[*Anya*]

I have never identified for myself as having an eating disorder but if I am totally honest with myself, I guess do.

It has taken varied forms through the years.

As a kid, my abusive parents were strange about food. My father, a Marine, had me standing up straight and yelling at me to suck my stomach in from the time I was 7-8. We never had sweets in the house unless they had bridge parties and then I would sneak whatever they had.

When I was a teen, I always felt fatter than my girlfriends, even though at just under 5'4, I never weighed more than 115.

When I got pregnant with my 1st, I gained 40lbs. For some reason, I thought it gave me free rein to eat (I was 19). I had the baby, weighed 157. My husband would not have sex with me-told me I looked like a fat cow.

I lost 20lbs, we had sex and 21 months later after having baby number one-had baby #2.

Joined weight watchers and in 4-months, lost all the weight. Had zero trouble maintaining. Kept zero sweets in the house.

Stayed at around 120. Divorce ensued, met my ex-butch who was overweight. She started bringing sweets over all the time. Begged her not to but she never listened. I think she wanted me to get fat so other women would not want me.

I resisted for a very long time. Got up to 130. Then as I got older, it seemed like the control I had for so long got lost.

I gained, all-together around 60 lbs. I lost 50 over the last couple of years but then gained back 15. The last few months, I have made a concerted effort to get my shit together and have had a couple of backslides when I am feeling emotionally low or lonely ( the butch that liked to feed me is long gone).

I have control again. I follow no diet or plan. I keep my daily calories around 1500 or I gain. I do not eat anything over 10 grams of fat total and I buy no sweets. I just can not-whether psychological or physical, sweets trigger me to want more and more.

I want to have the sense of total control that I had over the two years that I lost 50lbs. I still need to lose these stubborn 15. It seems my body is fighting to hold on now but I am two years older and it is much harder as you age. When I was young, I could drop 5 lbs. in a week- now that I am older, it can take me a month.

I will never be 110 or 115 again. I know that. The funny thing is that I thought I was fat @ those weights so have no idea if I ever will feel thin, regardless of weight! I try now, to focus on health and to not develop any obesity-related diseases. My cholesterol is too high and my goal is to get that down.

I also try to focus on clothing sizes rather than weight. Each 10 lbs. Is another size. I never, ever admit to my clothing sizes but will do it here. I was up to sizes 22 almost 3 years ago. I can't even believe ut to write it-remember I am just under 5'4.

When I lost weight, I was in size 12. Not the 7's of my teens. When I gained the 15, I ate myself out of my 12's into 14, where I am today.
I am aiming for my 12's again.

I can't get fatter because when I lost the weight, I gave every size from 16 up to Goodwill and the vets, except for one pair each of sizes 20 and 22, to remind me of where I never want to be ever again.

Thanks for listening/reading.