[sylvie]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

I have never identified for myself as having an eating disorder but if I am totally honest with myself, I guess do.

It has taken varied forms through the years.

As a kid, my abusive parents were strange about food. My father, a Marine, had me standing up straight and yelling at me to suck my stomach in from the time I was 7-8. We never had sweets in the house unless they had bridge parties and then I would sneak whatever they had.

When I was a teen, I always felt fatter than my girlfriends, even though at just under 5'4, I never weighed more than 115.

When I got pregnant with my 1st, I gained 40lbs. For some reason, I thought it gave me free rein to eat (I was 19). I had the baby, weighed 157. My husband would not have sex with me-told me I looked like a fat cow.

I lost 20lbs, we had sex and 21 months later after having baby number one-had baby #2.

Joined weight watchers and in 4-months, lost all the weight. Had zero trouble maintaining. Kept zero sweets in the house.

Stayed at around 120. Divorce ensued, met my ex-butch who was overweight. She started bringing sweets over all the time. Begged her not to but she never listened. I think she wanted me to get fat so other women would not want me.

I resisted for a very long time. Got up to 130. Then as I got older, it seemed like the control I had for so long got lost.

I gained, all-together around 60 lbs. I lost 50 over the last couple of years but then gained back 15. The last few months, I have made a concerted effort to get my shit together and have had a couple of backslides when I am feeling emotionally low or lonely ( the butch that liked to feed me is long gone).

I have control again. I follow no diet or plan. I keep my daily calories around 1500 or I gain. I do not eat anything over 10 grams of fat total and I buy no sweets. I just can not-whether psychological or physical, sweets trigger me to want more and more.

I want to have the sense of total control that I had over the two years that I lost 50lbs. I still need to lose these stubborn 15. It seems my body is fighting to hold on now but I am two years older and it is much harder as you age. When I was young, I could drop 5 lbs. in a week- now that I am older, it can take me a month.

I will never be 110 or 115 again. I know that. The funny thing is that I thought I was fat @ those weights so have no idea if I ever will feel thin, regardless of weight! I try now, to focus on health and to not develop any obesity-related diseases. My cholesterol is too high and my goal is to get that down.

I also try to focus on clothing sizes rather than weight. Each 10 lbs. Is another size. I never, ever admit to my clothing sizes but will do it here. I was up to sizes 22 almost 3 years ago. I can't even believe ut to write it-remember I am just under 5'4.

When I lost weight, I was in size 12. Not the 7's of my teens. When I gained the 15, I ate myself out of my 12's into 14, where I am today.
I am aiming for my 12's again.

I can't get fatter because when I lost the weight, I gave every size from 16 up to Goodwill and the vets, except for one pair each of sizes 20 and 22, to remind me of where I never want to be ever again.

Thanks for listening/reading.

i can relate Anya, my past is where my eating disorder began.. i didn't know this , but not too long ago, i had an intake appointment at Mental Health and looking back in my files, i was bulemic.. It's very puzzling to me, that i was bulemic even as a young child, because no one ever said anything about it to me through life.. When i brought this up with my mother, she claims she had no idea - *shrugs* But, in knowing that, everything makes complete sense to me.. i do remember my purging through teenage years, however & right through early adulthood..And on to my situation today, the binging & purging...Looking back over time, i can see the progression.

i am bulemic - that's very hard for me to say.. i usually say i'm a binger & a purger, that's easier for me.. Everyday i am dealing more & more with accepting that word, bulemia.. i still have a hard time believing it.. i find the word very overwhelming - like i have something bigger to gain control on, and it's like i'll never get there.. Same with my weight loss, i tend to lose by setting goals of 10 lbs, rather than setting a big goal of losing a whole lotta lbs.. That makes me fall off track, because i get overwhelmed like i'll never get there..

my father is an alcoholic, & my mother was caught up in her own drinking & partying along with him & friends.. As a child, i remember as early as 5 & 6 years old, having to fend for myself.. i made my own meals, i got myself ready for school days, and i learned the importance of responsibility very early in life.. At the age of 8, i had my own key to the house and stayed home alone, tending to house the best way i knew how at that age.. my meals were of course pretty basic, and early in life learned my love of quick unhealthy meals, sugary treats and junkfood.. i don't remember purging as a child, though they have it filed that i did.. But i do remember the poor eating habits developping, overeating portions, that food hangover afterwards and sadly, through life as time went on, it got worse until recently...

my parents were never supportive, i started with mild weight issues as a teenager, but fell into that negative headspace i have fought most of my life from early childhood - and when i look back to then, my teenager years, my pregnancies, past relationships, etc i realize now why i have/had so much inner stuff to get a handle on before even taking on this journey i am walking today.. Though my weight never went up & down like you, i have continued to gain through life, and am now a food & sugar addict on top of everything... i have just learned recently my food addiction is separate from my eating disorder, and so i am developping tools to work through it all appropriately.. But, digging through the past is such a must in getting myself to the right headspace to take all of this on.. Until i was ready mentally, weight loss was not an option for me.. i tried endlessly to commit to helping myself (weighloss-wise) and there was just no way.. i would lose some and gain more back..

So i definitely understand the struggle of getting oneself there mentally.. thank you so much for sharing , the more each of you share, it opens me up to sharing.. i only just recently recognized i had to do something to help myself, and only just VERY recently have admitted i need help further than helping myself, by reaching out, whether by meetings, counselling (which i STILL cant get no matter how hard i try, sighs at the lack of resources here), and will be reaching out for a sponsor soon.. But also this thread, and reaching out to friends and being vocal about this, it's very hard yet very helpful to me overall..

Thank you for sharing Anya!♥ (((hugggz)))