[sylvie]

Originally Posted by DressyFemme

Hi all,

I've posted on various bf sites regarding my weight loss/eating disorder journey thus far. But I wanted to post and recap a little before going into what's going on now.

I've been a COE since age 7 1/2 but it really started when I was 27 and in a dysfunctional relationship - my ex used to COE and I followed what she was doing. I went up to 185 pounds from 133 and found it very difficult to admit I was in need of recovery.

My Al-Anon sponsor led me to the rooms of OA. I remained in OA for thirteen *years*, having varied successes and failures at abstinence from binge foods (mostly relapses). I just couldn't hold onto abstinence for very long, and the resulting guilt and shame did a real number on my self-esteem. I eventually gave up on OA altogether because all I was getting was misery vs. progress. I must have relapsed hundreds of times in that time period! I also tried outpatient treatment and lots of therapy. No luck.

Last fall my best friend encouraged me to seek inpatient residential treatment for my eating disorder. From 2005 to 2008 I had went from 145 to 310 pounds and kept gaining, despite diabetes type 2, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and high liver fat levels. I was out of control and despondent.

I found a facility in the MidWest for women that met my needs (lesbian friendly, 12-step, Christian friendly) and entered treatment in May 2011. What I learned turned my world upside down! According to their dietician staff what I had been doing without knowing it was called "dieting restriction". I was introduced to the idea of intuitive normalized eating, which differs from OA in that there are no binge foods.... one eats what one wants to in limited amounts whilst listening to one's inner hunger and fullness cues with mindfulness. It's much more complicated than that (I'm following a food plan from a nutritionist), but suffice it to say once I let go physically, emotionally and spiritually, and tried it the weight started coming off.

But, more importantly, I stopped focusing on LOSING WEIGHT and started focusing instead on the issues BEHIND the eating disorder behaviors, which turned out to be family and coming out oriented. I had 10 weeks of intensive family therapy with my dad and with my partner and got a lot of things out on the table and resolved. Things continued to go well and I was discharged in late July. I don't know how much I have lost since, but I don't want to know it and there are no scales in my house.

Since coming home I've continued my efforts and joined EDA (www.eatingdisordersanonymous.org) where I am looking for a sponsor. I am feeling freer and more ME than I have in years, and I am starting an exercise regimen every other day. Happy, Joyous and Free indeed!

I've read everyone's posts. There are some incredibly brave people on this thread! Keep up the great work everybody!

Glad to be here.

Peace in Recovery,

DressyFemme

i need to say a huge thank you to you, first of all.. i really appreciate the share, and the information as well.. This journey is very new to me still, i am learning everyday new tools and i still have so many struggles to work through .. Some days are better than others - but i'm gaining knowledge and learning to accept this as it is and be as open as i can about it, because in turn being accountable is helping me to seek more help i need.. Though i've known for years and years that i ate too much, that would purge when i knew i overate, that i craved sugars and certain foods and had no control on them but i was very ignorant to the fact that i had a really BIG problem and needed help.. So, admitting my own truths, putting it out there & seeking help has been .. well..some days it's been like a breath of fresh air and other days it's overwhelming, chaotic & uncontrollable.. i feel the most fragile i have ever felt in my entire life.

my strength *then*, stemmed from my silence & hiding from everyone. (But today i realize my strength is in helping myself and being as honest as i possibly can).. i currently attend OA meetings, almost daily.. Some face to face and some online - i have not sought out a sponsor, i had a very hard time admitting i couldnt do this on my own, until a few weeks ago.. Even still, i procrastinate it.. Last night, i was in an OA meeting and one lady used her time to speak to stress on her experience of being a sponsor and how needed that part of recovery is ..Her words clicked with me - and so this will be my next goal. my struggle right now is that i know i need counselling for the eating disorder, but we have a serious lack of resources here, it's sad. The only way i can do it is by paying for each session which is costly, and as a mother of 2 teenagers who struggles , it's just not do-able.. my work benefits do not cover for this, unless my doctor could of course push for it, and she doesn't seem interested enough.. i need a new doctor, she's more about cramming as many people into her day than she is about quality time and working with her patients.. We have very few meetings for OA, i have managed to find a dietician to work with - but otherwise there is just nothing around to take advantage of.. i feel roadblocked and so i set off on a researching adventure online to find something, anything!

Your post & your journey are so motivating for me. The steps you took for yourself, wow.. i have many similarities in the things you have had to work through, and you give me so much hope, thank you for that.. Sincerely!
And thank you for posting that link, i will be visiting it today along with the ones i have for OA and researching lots more. Much, much appreciated!