[dark_crystal]

i have noticed lately that the whole episode of my illness seems really unreal to me now, and that scares me because i am afraid if i forget how miserable it was, i run the risk of relapse

but when i think about all of the desparate things i did it's like my mind shies away from it

i thought coming to this thread and describing it would help me remember

i don't want to trigger anyone do i will type in white

this time two years ago i would have made a list of every holiday party and gathering, along with an estimate of the calories i might eat at each one

then i would add up the party calories

Then i would count the days between today and New year's and multiple the number of days by the maximum allowable amount of calories per day

then i would take the total maximum allowable calories, and subtract the party calories

then i would take what was left over and divide that by the number of non-party days. This would give me the amount of calories i could eat on non-party days

usually this number was under 500

but, if i kept under 500 on non-party days, i could eat normally at parties and no one would think i might be anorexic AND the calories would average out with the non-party days and i wouldn't gain any weight

i would print a calendar from the computer and write each day's allowed calories on it and carry the calendar with me in my purse.

at the end of each day i would write down everything i had eaten down to the last Altoid (3.33 calories each, rounded to 5 to be safe) and check it against my calendar

it was miserable!

thanks for being here {{{{eating disorders thread}}}}