[AtLast]

Originally Posted by Rockinonahigh

This strike a hard cord in me...When mom had her last stroke I was faced with this choice weather to leave her bed ridden in a highly vegetated state...as in zero brain waves of any kind,no eye reaction or response at all.Just machines keeping her breathig.For several days the docs and I did everthing possable to help her get pass this,but nothing worked.Mom and I had talked about what to do if and when this may happen to either of us and what to do.This was the hardest thing for me to do to make the choice she ask me to make.AFter talking to more doctors than u can emagine I made he call to let her go as she wished.I know I did the right thing but it nearly put me into a breakdown wich I wonder if ive ever gotten over the pain and loss of haveing to do what I did.She passed at 3am and for years I woke up at 3am..wide awake expecting to hear beeps of the machines and hearing nothing.Im ok, my son is ok but its something thats very hard to do.

I was in the exact same place with my Mom, post a second heart valve replacement surgery with a stroke complication. 12 years later, I still go over it in my mind and it broke me, too. And she was a woman that was very direct with her wishes, did not fear death and never was one to guilt-trip her children. An independent, kick-ass 81 year old that always had her say. She would not have wanted to be bed-ridden (her ride was a 4WD sports model that she could still drive to Reno to gamble with a car full of her crones!) and without the sharp mind she had right up until this happened. Yet, I struggled.

The problem was even with a DNR, she was not on a respirator, but given IV nourishment and fluids as well as medicines that literally kept her damaged heart beating. My decision was about taking nourishment (starving) from the woman that gave me life. Not pulling a plug knowing her heart would stop immediately. Also, there had been countless battles with docs during the 5 weeks she was hospitalized.

All I could do was just think of her words in life about how the quality was what was important to her. Still, this was my wild and crazy 103 pound tell it like it is Mom that had deepest maternal sensibility I have ever known. Then I realized, I was still struggling with my fear of life without her. That unknown, yet life's passage we do have to face. My Dad had already died and I had lost a sister and my brother within a couple years of her death. I watched my Mom lose 2 of her children and my Dad. She did it with remarkable strength, grace and selflessness. Her worst fears come true as a parent. And she did lose the love of her life, my Dad and Mom indeed had it goin' on for 47 years. I know this did knock some of her piss and vinegar out afterwards, but, I think she knew she had to make sure she booted my butt enough to survive after the loss of my siblings. Her role as mother, as strong as ever, she had her youngest (me) to prepare for what life simply brings us. I had a child to raise I had recently took charge of due to my brother's death. She still had work to do!

Thankfully, she died within a short time after the meds and IV nourishment was withheld. I just crawled in bed with her, held her, and felt a sharp tug/pain near my navel when her heart stopped. Yes, this really happened and I did crack a window for her soul to leave. Molecules travel in mysterious ways as far as I'm concerned.

I don't care how direct we are about these things, there are emotional elements we never see coming and it hurts. DNR's etc. do help immensely, yet, there is questioning, wondering about what this is going to feel like later and if I am crossing into a decision tree that just is not mine to be in. All the preparation in the world doesn't mean a thing at certain moments. It does, however, help afterwards. It does lighten the burden of being in this position later.