Quote:
Originally Posted by Kätzchen
Does anyone mind if a new member wanders in on the ongoing conversation here?
Some of you might know me here - others might not.... and I've written some about my past history with sexual abuse. I'll try to not repeat myself tonight, but I wanted to come here and write a bit about my experience.
*It's complicated*
I have a love/hate relationship with my family... because my father and my eldest brother were my sexual perpetrators - in the beginning - and later on, as I grew up to be the young woman that I was (and still am to a certain degree), I discovered that my mother was complicit throughout the whole process - it was "tit for tat" like mental game that pervaded in my family life.
It's complicated because ... on one hand my abusers violated me; and on the other hand my abusers taught me everthing that I know - it's strange/wierd to me that, even after much therapy over the past years, persons capable of committing such treacherous behaviors against another human being, could be loved at all.
I loved my father. I was daddy's girl. I looked up to my eldest brother too - but that all ended when sets of abuse were exacted against me - repeatedly - randomly - no holds barred "war" and I never knew when the next assault would happen.
My father was a service man - his whole family served in the military. He served in the Navy - while some of his brothers and sisters served in other branches of service. My father's twin brother took his life (he and his wife were childless by choice) - and in what I think is the flip side of his twin brothers' situation, my father was always trying to take my life from me. Repeatedly. Over and over again. He even socialized and taught my brother the finer art of doing it because if he didn't - I'm pretty sure my eldest brother might not be around. He is, but he has own hell to live in.
Anyway, the reason that drew me to write about it tonight was because I was just watching a video clip and something occurred to me (because the man in the clip lived through catastrophic war scenarios during WW2) about how he was being memorialized for not giving up.
My father was rigid man. Our household family dynamics are classified as "Protective" - that's a specialized term in Human Communication processes. We didn't have open communication- it wasn't allowed. But somehow, the potent mixture/combination of dynamics in our family served me well because I never just took it. I always fought with my abusers. I know that (in my case) my will to not be treated like that, saved my life.
I know that my experience is not unique at all.... I used to attend a private group and most of us who attended in this group all shared similar stories.
I know that what saved my life was my sheer will to not give up and to fight back and simultaneously walk away.... sometimes, I ran for hours on adrenaline surges, just to get away.
Anyway, thanks for letting me share a bit tonight.
~ALK
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I know my post was posted years ago, but what happened to me in my growing up years has always played a big role in my pursuit of not letting past sexual abuse rule my life.
It's not like I can ever forget. It's also important for me too, to remember that what happened to me has been an integral part in how I process hurts in my life.
While letting go of the pain it has caused me, I also mindfully remember that I am strong and that I chose to care about me, at any very early age in life.
Being my own protector and believing in my own self worth, and trusting myself, has been an important years long effort in my own personal recovery.