Butch Femme Planet - View Single Post - Sexual Abuse: Coping, Recovery and Survival

JinxdGirl · 08-01-2010, 09:14 PM

I am a survivor. This is my story, or at least part of it.

Running to my parents' room, age 3, the thunder scared me. My father pulled me into the bed, I expected comforting, he slid his hand in my panties.

Happy 9th Birthday, he steals my virginity and my hope.

I'm 10 and begin cutting myself. The relief is unexplainable.

I'm 12 and in a house alone with my father and brother-in-law. Most of my siblings (his children) are much older; married with their own children. I learn all about sharing and I feel myself breaking from the inside out.

Still 12, I am awakened by sounds of my sister (5 years older than me) screaming. He is strangling her. Holding her by the throat against the wall and forcing himself upon her. I run, barefoot in my nightgown, to the convenience store 3 blocks away and call the police. My sister is sent away, nothing happens to him. My sister later tells me she hates me for being born. Had I not been born he would not be in her life. She is wrong, but I won't have the strength to tell her this for nearly 20 years.

I'm 13 and the state of Texas has finally gotten involved after my second suicide attempt. The caseworker gives my mother a choice "your husband or your child", she sends me to Georgia to live with her sister whom I don't know. After a month I am back in Texas and told to never tell anyone that my father still lives in the same house as me. I also spend 29 days in a locked ward for adolescents, I feel safe for the first time.

I'm 15, mom rents an apartment. She lives with my father, I live alone in an apartment. She pays the bills and I keep her secrets. It's the life I've been conditioned to accept.

I'm 18 and without a place to live, stay with mom and him. He rapes me for the last time. I hold a knife to his throat and tell him that if he ever so much as brushes against me I will kill him and get away with it.

I'm 21, he dies. I don't cry. He suddenly becomes a saint and I am finally, officially disowned by everyone except my mother. I wish that she was included.

I'm 31, I still have some contact with my mother. I try to cope. I go to therapy and take medication to help with the flashbacks. I have survived. I am surviving. I am reclaiming what was taken and leaving as much as I can in the past.

I wish now only to be heard by the family I was born into. Just hear me and maybe, finally, realize I was deserving of love. I was deserving of much better than I received. I do not hate them, but I have ceased to care about them. Their rejection no longer hurts my soul.

I'm learning, dealing, growing. They will not win. I will live and live well. No one can take that from me.

08-01-2010, 09:14 PM	#33
JinxdGirl Member How Do You Identify?: Tomyboy Femme Preferred Pronoun?: The girl ones, please! Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Greensboro, NC Posts: 123 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 293 Thanked 168 Times in 48 Posts Rep Power: 215552	possibly triggering, though i tried to leave out the gory details I am a survivor. This is my story, or at least part of it. Running to my parents' room, age 3, the thunder scared me. My father pulled me into the bed, I expected comforting, he slid his hand in my panties. Happy 9th Birthday, he steals my virginity and my hope. I'm 10 and begin cutting myself. The relief is unexplainable. I'm 12 and in a house alone with my father and brother-in-law. Most of my siblings (his children) are much older; married with their own children. I learn all about sharing and I feel myself breaking from the inside out. Still 12, I am awakened by sounds of my sister (5 years older than me) screaming. He is strangling her. Holding her by the throat against the wall and forcing himself upon her. I run, barefoot in my nightgown, to the convenience store 3 blocks away and call the police. My sister is sent away, nothing happens to him. My sister later tells me she hates me for being born. Had I not been born he would not be in her life. She is wrong, but I won't have the strength to tell her this for nearly 20 years. I'm 13 and the state of Texas has finally gotten involved after my second suicide attempt. The caseworker gives my mother a choice "your husband or your child", she sends me to Georgia to live with her sister whom I don't know. After a month I am back in Texas and told to never tell anyone that my father still lives in the same house as me. I also spend 29 days in a locked ward for adolescents, I feel safe for the first time. I'm 15, mom rents an apartment. She lives with my father, I live alone in an apartment. She pays the bills and I keep her secrets. It's the life I've been conditioned to accept. I'm 18 and without a place to live, stay with mom and him. He rapes me for the last time. I hold a knife to his throat and tell him that if he ever so much as brushes against me I will kill him and get away with it. I'm 21, he dies. I don't cry. He suddenly becomes a saint and I am finally, officially disowned by everyone except my mother. I wish that she was included. I'm 31, I still have some contact with my mother. I try to cope. I go to therapy and take medication to help with the flashbacks. I have survived. I am surviving. I am reclaiming what was taken and leaving as much as I can in the past. I wish now only to be heard by the family I was born into. Just hear me and maybe, finally, realize I was deserving of love. I was deserving of much better than I received. I do not hate them, but I have ceased to care about them. Their rejection no longer hurts my soul. I'm learning, dealing, growing. They will not win. I will live and live well. No one can take that from me.