[Rook]

Rape is almost 95% Power + Control...
It's very seldom about getting Pleasure by force...

That being said, I still cope with events that occurred in my childhood, and within a disastrous relationship as an Adult..

I endured a lot between the age of 8 and 11, far more than I did previously..
Physical wounds heal, but the emotional ones are for Life.
I could deal with my Fathers emotional/physical abuse..
Took me years to convince myself to say anything about the rest, let alone accept the term "Survivor".

My mother hired my brothers best friends Mother to take care of us, since she worked 2 Jobs, and my father was Frequently "away", he was in the Marine Corp., at this point we were used to babysitters..Especially babysitters from Hell.
I had already endured 2 previous babysitters being "Nice" to me...
At first everything was alright, but then the Divorce process for some reason hit my mother like a ton of Bricks {she filed for it, which is why it's baffling}
She wound up hospitalized from the mental breakdown, and the babysitter said she'd watch us..
That's pretty much when my "hell on earth" started.
Her quiet, distant, oldest son evidently took an interest.
Quite the disciplinarian, when I refused to do something, I was almost guaranteed an ass-whoopin after being dragged to a bedroom while he had a fistfull of Hair..
I vividly recall the first night he approached me.
Typical autumn night, I'm sleeping on the floor in the baby room{we weren't allowed on the beds}, he rested by my side, and yeah in my innocence I figured "maybe he argued with his mom and needs a quiet place to rest"
He placed his hand over my mouth, and all I could think was his body weighed a Ton, I couldn't breathe..
And of course, inexplicable, astonishing, nauseating pain..
When it was over, he said something, I couldnt understand it {I didnt have hearing aids at this time, and I relied heavily on seeing Lips}, so I got a hard slap, and he clarified "yes or no", considering my logic said "yes = satisfying answer" I said yes, and he left.
These nightly visits continued often, one night I figured if I made some kind of unpleasant noise, his parents would catch him..
So, I would frequently yank the baby's lullaby toy to play it.
Not once did they pop up.
I can't listen to the song nowadays.
The beatings got worse, he got more Brazen I suppose is the word for it..
It spilled into Daytime, I was forced to "dress up" often, frequently he'd bring in some portable camera box, that I later realized was a camcorder of those days, if I didn't walk down the basement stairs, he would drag me, or throw me...

My behavior changed drastically, often my professors would send me to the Principals office, baffled at my moods, in detention I'd get into fights frequently, or stayed by myself..
Only 1 person in the entire school building had suspicions, the school nurse..when she asked though, I denied anything, after all my mother was sick, and I felt I'd be in grave danger if I said anything...
2 times a social worker came by to my babysitters house, Both times they didn't see anything that raised alarms...
He started to tell me if I didn't do some things he wanted, he'd simply find my brother.
The first time he said this, I snapped, I started throwing plates, cups, silverware at him.
Yeah, brainfart..but -shrug-
I won't get into much "lurid" details here for my own reasons...
Oftentimes their Minister would pop up, they'd wake me and I'd receive ice cream..for awhile, I was in hog-heaven whenever the Minister came by, it was one of those rare times I was pampered and treated like a lil prince...
I later realized the times I didn't comply, or successfully made things difficult, there was no ice cream.
Once, I was fed up, and I ran out of the house...in a long t-shirt and panties, I kept running like there was a pack of hyenas behind me..
He did catch up, and pushed me, I ate gravel, and he picked me up..I screamed, I mean..really screamed..y'know how kids scream when pitching a tantrum? Folks usually investigate.
Not one neighbor peeped out their door or window..I latched on to a rusty car, and kicked a lot..he punched my nape and took me back inside, bloody hands, irritated throat..
Another event that still puzzles is, one night he woke me, after his parents were "gone to Church", I was introduced to 'water sports', he wanted me to pee, and I couldn't..Soo, he hit me a few times, in my state of mind I managed a little..
He was a bit mad, shoved me back to bed.
His mother woke me violently dragging me by the arm to the clothes hamper, and in addition to cursing me out as a filthy waste of spic sperm, she 'educated' me in the art of actually wearing Panties to bed.
How she knew I didn't have panties on that night was beyond me for a very long time.
That nightmare ended when my mother was released from the Hospital, I swear, I saw her as the closest thing to an Angel...
She packed our stuff that same night, the next day she bought us a lot of kiddie fun stuff{water guns, plushie animals, silly putty, hot wheels, gingerbread cookies etc}, and purchased a pair of Cockatoo's, by 11 pm, we were on our way to Puerto Rico, I looked out the plane window and gave Missouri "the Bird"..
I was 9 at the time, he was 19