[Miss Scarlett]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

it was very safe....infinitely predictable. now i feel like life is really chaotic and i go back and forth on whether that's a good thing

(((((dark_crystal))))) Going back and forth is pretty "normal" in any recovery...i do the same thing about smoking. At the moment i am pondering whether or not to start back up which is nothing new for me. It has happened several times a year since i quit back in 1988.

i don't know where you are with this or how long you've been on your recovery journey. mine began 25 years ago and over those years i had to learn to accept this is a day by day thing, at times it will be moment by moment and sometimes even bite by bite.

i confess that at the moment there are 2 bottles of recently purchased ipecac on the counter in my kitchen...also nothing new for me. From time to time (when stressed, struggling or going through some sort of dark times) i pick up a bottle or so. They will sit there until i feel that i no longer need them and then i will throw them away - unopened (well, unopened is the goal).

We are by no means weak, oh no no no! We need to learn to rechannel the tremendous strength and self control/regulation that enable us to maintain those destructive behaviours. It doesn't happen overnight and takes a lot of work but it is possible.