[Nat]

I'm a compulsive overeater and I've been attending OA since March. There was also a time when purging became part of my cycle. It was when a diet began falling apart, and every time I went over-calorie, I'd just try to find an isolated bathroom and get rid of it. It was hugely satisfying and a bit addictive in itself. However, I was able to quit doing that part after a while. It wasn't a life-long habit - but it was a strangely addictive one. It was awesome to just kinda hit the undo button on what I'd eaten, and it left me feeling very physically at peace and in control. It was a pretty hard habit for me to hide though, and I think the main reason it didn't become a more permanent habit.

I listen to a lot of 12 step podcasts - most geared more toward alcohol and drug recovery. But food is a drug for me - it numbs me, it comforts me, it entertains me. I think so much of my life has revolved around thoughts about what and when I will get to eat next. Abstinence is hard, but over time I've had more "days of grace" - this is what I call the days that are relatively easy to get through without overeating. The OA groups in my area don't seem to have the same solidity to them as the AA groups - at least the members who have also spent a long time in AA seem to have a better grasp of the full experience of 12 step. It seems many alcoholics find themselves addicted to sugar/simple carbs once alcohol has been cut out. At least I run into a relatively large number who successfully got sober, but turned to food.

I know there are a lot of different kinds of abstinence, but I use an app on my iphone called "lose it." It allows me to record anything I eat. It has programs for maintenance and also for losing weight. Really, my main goal is to heal my insides. I have spent much of my life learning to embrace my weight. One of the sayings I've heard is "Come for the vanity, stay for the sanity." I'm one of very few who came for the sanity. The steps are intimidating for me, but I'm hoping I can find a workable way through them.

The first part of gaining sanity for me is keeping a record of what I eat - and the lose-it program allows me to do that relatively easily. I have not been honest with myself about how much I eat - often I'm totally unconscious of it and I tend to rationalize the times I eat enough for 3-4 people. So putting my info in the program before I can take a bite has really been helpful. I'm not so concerned about whether I go over the limit every once in a while. Right now my abstinence consists mostly of writing down everything I eat.

I have a sponsor, but she's not available a lot, and I'm beginning to think I need to switch. I would like to have a stronger support system and feel that I need one. However, I'm thankful to have the one I've got. It's been hard being what I believe to be the only non-Christian in the room at those meetings, but I do try to do some sort of prayer in the morning. Sometimes it's to the Universe, sometimes to the Tao, sometimes to specific deities, sometimes to Nature. Whatever/Whomever I pray to, I try to imagine it's benevolent. I haven't really found a sweet spot that works for me on the days when I'm feeling cynical, but whatever I'm doing, it seems to be working. More and more days where food isn't the thought of most of my moments. I want to heal as much as I can, and the more I am part of a community focused on healing compulsive food behaviors, the more helpful it is to me Our world gives us such strong mixed messages about food and physical aesthetics regarding weight. It's nice to go to a meeting or listen to OA podcasts as well as other recovery podcasts.

There was a woman recently at a meeting who was talking about how she'd had an argument with her significant other - and she left the house for the night. Before she left, she packed up her food because she knew it would be dangerous for her if she did not. She said she liked coming to the group because people in the rest of the world would never get what a triumph it was for her to take the time to make sure she had her healthy food to eat before leaving, but that when she comes to OA, there are people there "from her planet." I think that's part of it for me too. I know lots of other compulsive overeaters, but few are attempting to recover. It feels good to have community with others who share some of my weird behaviors about food - like eating before I go to dinner, eating in secret, hiding how much I eat, etc. And lying to myself even about how much I eat. It feels good to feel balanced about food. Sometimes I look into the future and think about foods I may never get to eat again, but I just try to remind myself that I'm not eating those foods today. Looking into the future and saying "never again" upsets me. So I just do that one day at a time thing. And sometimes that's just one moment at a time. I try to ask myself more and more, "what's the next right action?" when i'm tempted to do things that would sabotage me. If a day is too much to face, I just try to focus on the next right action.

Anyway, that's my ramble for the night. Thanks for starting this thread!