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Miss Scarlett · 08-31-2011, 04:59 AM

sylvie, i totally understand about a parent being a trigger. Mom was my trigger. All my life she ragged me about my weight with statements like: "Nobody wants a fat ______" , "My friends all say 'Your daughter has such a pretty face. It's a shame she's so fat.' Do you know how embarassing that is for me? Their daughters are all thin and pretty and look at you!" and "I am so ashamed of you."

Eventually my middle brother joined that chorus and my parents did nothing about his ugly words. Is it any wonder that i came to equate my value/acceptance/self-worth with my weight?

BTW when i was growing up i wasn't severely overweight...maybe a few pounds but nothing more. i was very much into sports, especially softball and swimming. i'd like to blame my eating disorder on pressure from a coach but that's not the case. When i was swimming fulltime my body was muscular and tight - i was in the best physical shape of my life but that was not good enough. It was the same when i was running.

It wasn't until the mid-80s when i was at the height of my bulimarexia and destroying my health that she considered me pretty.

All i ever wanted was to be thin enough to please my Mom so she would love me and i would no longer make her ashamed or embarassed. Rejection by Mom or anyone was because i wasn't thin...and i still struggle with that though it's not as strong.

After my recovery from being so dangerously thin i became dangerously obese...also part of my bulimarexia. That confuses many people because there is this misconception that you cannot gain weight with that disorder.

Mom's death in 2007 was devastating for me. We'd worked together for over 10 years and had become very close. But it was also liberating for me. my motivation for losing weight had nothing to do with her and everything to do with me. It is also easier to overcome the desire to binge because most of the triggers are not as strong.

Counseling has been a godsend for me. Changing jobs from one city to another has helped and next month i am moving to another city which will further my healing.

Geez, i've been rambling this morning. i gotta get ready for work...

Wishing everyone here a wonderful day!

Remember to be gentle with yourself today...

08-31-2011, 04:59 AM	#35
Miss Scarlett Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Relationship Status: . Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: . Posts: 5,530 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,478 Thanked 12,949 Times in 3,419 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	sylvie, i totally understand about a parent being a trigger. Mom was my trigger. All my life she ragged me about my weight with statements like: "Nobody wants a fat ______" , "My friends all say 'Your daughter has such a pretty face. It's a shame she's so fat.' Do you know how embarassing that is for me? Their daughters are all thin and pretty and look at you!" and "I am so ashamed of you." Eventually my middle brother joined that chorus and my parents did nothing about his ugly words. Is it any wonder that i came to equate my value/acceptance/self-worth with my weight? BTW when i was growing up i wasn't severely overweight...maybe a few pounds but nothing more. i was very much into sports, especially softball and swimming. i'd like to blame my eating disorder on pressure from a coach but that's not the case. When i was swimming fulltime my body was muscular and tight - i was in the best physical shape of my life but that was not good enough. It was the same when i was running. It wasn't until the mid-80s when i was at the height of my bulimarexia and destroying my health that she considered me pretty. All i ever wanted was to be thin enough to please my Mom so she would love me and i would no longer make her ashamed or embarassed. Rejection by Mom or anyone was because i wasn't thin...and i still struggle with that though it's not as strong. After my recovery from being so dangerously thin i became dangerously obese...also part of my bulimarexia. That confuses many people because there is this misconception that you cannot gain weight with that disorder. Mom's death in 2007 was devastating for me. We'd worked together for over 10 years and had become very close. But it was also liberating for me. my motivation for losing weight had nothing to do with her and everything to do with me. It is also easier to overcome the desire to binge because most of the triggers are not as strong. Counseling has been a godsend for me. Changing jobs from one city to another has helped and next month i am moving to another city which will further my healing. Geez, i've been rambling this morning. i gotta get ready for work... Wishing everyone here a wonderful day! Remember to be gentle with yourself today...