[Bootsandheels]

“So if your husband gave this to you would you like it?” He asked me…as he held the small diamond engagement set in his nervous rough skinned fingers.
I answered very sincerely…”I would be over the moon if he brought this home for me!” He smiled a little smirk of a smile and seemed visibly relieved and quite pleased with himself. I marveled how easy it was for me to answer like I was this straight woman that was waiting on him in my new holiday job at a retail jewelry store.

Ah…my invisibility cloak becomes useful and necessary once again!
I have learned over the years how to use it wisely now, when to bring it out to protect myself or my sexuality when I don’t feel like going through the long involved process of describing “Femme” to people when all they will really hear is “Lipstick Lesbian” or when I need to fit in like the chameleon I get to be as a very straight appearing queer femme as I like to call myself.

It used to be so painful and frustrating at first when I came out 14 years ago.
I wanted so badly to be SEEN by my own community and they just…couldn’t and sometimes even when they knew I was out…wouldn’t acknowledge me for who and what I had worked so damn hard to become and just be. Didn’t they know I what I had given up? My son, got divorced, lost a 9 year job, lost my dog…the list goes on but it was worth every single loss to find myself…and my true essence as FEMME.

It’s not so frustrating now because I get it…and I know exactly how to work it…this incredible gift I’ve been given as an invisible femme.
I can be anyone I damn well please. I can fit in when I need to, and I can surprise the hell out of cute butches that I may come across or work with and make them feel special by saying…”Wow it’s great to know family works here” or my personal favorite…”Nice to see a butch working here” as I sashay away knowing their mouth is hanging open behind me LOL.

I have also been able to protect my own butch when needed and soften a hard glare or two that is directed at us both. It’s a powerful gift and a tool that I do not take for granted or use lightly.

I thought what a great job…like a lot of femmes, I love sparkly things and I happen to know quite a bit about diamonds courtesy of my grandma Hallie who was married 3 or 4 times and from the time I was 6 taught me all about her many rings and things she had acquired all over the world. She loved them as if they were her kids.

I’ve been learning far more about diamonds and gems in my new job this past week and I am struck by the synchronicity of it all. I’ve always felt that we as humans are diamonds in the rough and that our life lessons, our experiences especially the most painful ones are often the facets that we endure to sparkle and shine. It’s the cuts that make us…the facets that shape us into the true brilliance, fire and sparkle that we have naturally within all of us, that show the true essence of who we REALLY are.

I rang the young man’s precious purchase up at the register and handed him the little bag with the tissue paper just so and placed it in his hands reverently. He gave me the biggest smile ever and I couldn’t help myself…I sparkled back at him. I gushed “Happy Holidays!” and covered my mouth with both hands and giggled…imagining him…imagining her…and their moment on Christmas morning. Love is love is LOVE. Sparkle on you beautiful diamond...