[Kobi]

The info in this thread has stuck with me all day. It points out how complex communication can be.....what is said or not said, what is asked or avoided, what is said and what is heard, how emotion complicates communication, how people pushing our buttons affect how we react, what can happen when words and behavior don't mesh etc.

One thing I always try and keep in mind, aside from the complexities of interpersonal stuff, is that the only thing I really have control over is me, what I say and how I say it, saying what I mean, being clear and concise, being willing to listen, compromise, negotiate etc.

I can't control what is heard or how one reacts to what I might say or do. I cant control their motives or intentions. If it is important to me, I might ask questions and try to get clarification. But, I try real hard not to let other peoples stuff become my stuff.

This reality has helped me to not take others folks stuff personally, to keep things in perspective, to lessen the potentially harmful emotions, and to be less attached to a specific outcome.

It has also helped me to keep the focus on the "issue" rather than the style, tone, volume, and other distracting things that occur in communications or that are used to hamper communication. There is nothing more empowering than to face something on ones own terms rather than on someone else's terms.

I have also learned that people having the same experience, can interpret it very differently. I can only control my experience. I cannot control different expectations, needs, assessments, beliefs, feelings etc.

One of the most important things I have learned is people always tell us stuff if we pay attention. What is said, not said, done, not done, shared, not shared are all very important messages if we are paying attention to the clues. What we choose to do with these messages is up to us....but ignoring them is never wise.

I have also learned, for the most part, I can choose what and who I allow in my life.... the people, the issues, the potential problems, the communication styles, the way I allow others to treat me etc. Sometimes I cant i.e. family, co-workers etc. But it is to my advantage and well being to be very careful as to who and what I allow in my life when I have the choice.

Sometimes people think this is a very self serving way to live, to basically orchestrate one's life for ones own benefit. Some even call it controlling.

To me, this seems to be a very self respecting way to live ones life. To live ones life on ones own terms, as much as possible...isnt that what it is all about? This doesnt mean one doesnt struggle with things. It does mean, to me, the difference between dealing with something head on versus the back door. And accepting whatever the outcome is.

Communication doesnt take place in a vaccum. It is the product of our experiences, our learning, our beings, perspectives, beliefs, values etc. Somethings make us feel comfortable, some make us feel uncomfortable. Sometimes we have to step out of our comfort zone to get to foster communication and gets answers. And sometimes those answers arent to our liking. This doesnt mean the other person isnt communicating well, it means they are saying something we might not want to hear.

I find it helps to listen to the many different ways people say things to us, even if they are saying something we dont like. if we do, we can make decisions and move along rather than get mired in the muck.