Quote:
Originally Posted by Ender
Ugh...I hate this feeling! I hate feeling like half-trans, half-butch! I don't know how to transition feeling like this. Do I change my name? Do I medically transition? If I medically transition, will I regret it? It's beating me up and I don't know what to do. I wish I had a more androgynous name or even a masculine version of my name would be great, but no.
How did/do you butches go about this? Do you still have your given name? Did you change your name? Did you choose to medically transition, even part-way?
I'm also wondering when I do tell someone irl about all this, will they even take me seriously? Or will they think I'm making it up because LGBT+ people are so openly talked about now-a-days?
I remember my dad saying a few years ago, that he loves me no matter what as long as I'm happy, but I'm still terrified I might be going down the wrong path, and end up regretting it in the future.   |
I want to start with the parts I bolded. The short answer is; you don't.
The rest of your post shows that you are still in the discovery phase of decision making and that is a good thing. You are identifying the things that you will have to be completely comfortable with before taking any irreversible actions. It's okay! Relax. Breathe.
I'm an old dog and these options were not available when I was your age. I think that today there is a lot of peer pressure to transition or not, right now. It doesn't have to be that way. Take your time to get comfortable with each of these aspects, start with the small pieces and do what feels right until you have gotten to the point that feels right for YOU.
You said you want a masculine or less feminine name, maybe you could adopt a nickname for a while and if it fits make it legal later. I did this 30 years ago. If you aren't already dressing the part, try it. How does that work for you walking down a regular street, not a gay or trans neighborhood, or college campus, just a "rest of the world" place. Are you comfortable? Do you get stared at? Are you okay with that? Does it feel like you are finally in your right skin?
How much time have you spent living/working in cis male space and is that the comfortable spot for you socially?
Just my opinion, but I think that if you go ahead and try some the things you can reverse if you find it isn't right would be a good starting point. It will be a lot easier than jumping straight into things you can't undo since you are still in a conflicted space. Do your own research your own way until you know in your gut that you are doing what is right for you, there is no rush.
Now that I re-read this, pretty much what Esme x said, lol.