Quote:
Originally Posted by *Anya*
The past is never dead. It's not even past.”
― William Faulkner, Requiem for a Nun
I was not going to post in this thread as it is open to the public and I do have a tendency to be a little too open at times. It works for me in the listening to each other thread but perhaps not a public one.
I will say that I have no idea how to set the bar high or, even, how to set it too low.
The premise of the thread is "...does setting the bar high help one to have a healthy, lasting, romantic relationship" (if I read it correctly).
I have not ever had one, so how could I know?
I think that my picker is broken and, in spite of long-term therapy and a great deal of insight gained: I still do not pick someone that is good for me.
Next month it will be a year that I gathered my courage to walk out of an emotionally abusive relationship that was one month shy of 4 years. I still have tapes in my head of all of the things that she would tell me that she did not like about me or my person.
It had taken years to finally turn off the tapes from my parents but then I picked someone just as good at it as they were.
My 19 year relationship was not like that but it was negative in a different way.
No need to rehash that.
I used to blame both of my exes after the relationships were over for a multitudes of issues that caused us to fail as couples; but I don't do that anymore.
I picked them. My deficits drew me to them. That is not their fault. They were who and what they are.
What is my bar? I have no idea. I truly fear that I would not know or be attracted to a healthy relationship if I fell over it.
Here I go being brutally honest again.
|
<3 I hear you. I was terrified my picker was busted. I did not trust my judgement at all after my last "it's complicated" r'ship ran off with a friendly acquaintance and married them. My exwife had a drink issue and run off with someone else. The long term before her was a serious pot addict. The long term before her had a gambling problem and even though we had an open r'ship, she had two other *girlfriends* I wasn't aware of, not shags, the entire 2 years I was seeing her. I won't go back further than that, it gets embarrassing.
All of my dates subsequent to my last r'ship did not understand how much pressure I was under in a 3000 hour 2.5 year program (a bachelor's degree here is usually about 1500 hours over 4 years).
So school forced me to put dating on hold. I tried finding casual sex partners (not one night stands, but someone who wanted a 2 times a month shag) but that was *impossible* at my age in lesboland here. Maybe I could get one night stands if I was dishonest about it, but I'm not that person, and I'm not into one night stands, really. Casual sex, sure. One night stands, no.
So, no choice but to not pick anyone at all. And spend 3 years just on school, building a practice, career, and finding secure housing. Getting a cat. re-settling back into vancouver after 11 years abroad. Three years went by *very* fast. Thought a LOT about my picker.
My picker was based on chemistry. Love, chemistry, and hard work solves all.
No, it doesn't.
And that I thought good things made up for bad things. Well they have this red flag/shitty habit, but they do this nice thing so they cancel each other out.
No, it doesn't.
I think that's where "the bar" comes in (aka in my case, I call the bar a mixture of boundaries and basic understanding of necessities I personally need in companionship).
I had to find this book... I think it was about "establishing trust" after being betrayed in relationships. And it talked about lists. making lists. it was brilliant. It helped me make all these lists. And those lists were the start of me being able to make boundaries instead of trusting my picker, which is most definitely broken. I have *amazing* chemistry with really inappropriate people that I have smeary dysfunctional relationships with. Like off the charts chemistry. Pretty sure that's because of my own history.
So, no, can't trust my picker either. So I have to make boundaries and have a basic understanding of what I need for myself independently for my own mental health, so I know I can keep that in having a relationship. And that means having someone respect my independence and my self knowledge from the get go. And I found it so difficult to be accepted, that it basically cut out all the people who would be insecure, impatient, and controlling right away.
no need for a picker lol.
But I'm still out of the dating pool till this post grad stuff is over with in Feb. Even then, I highly doubt there's anyone who'll date me. Not because I'm shit lol I'm ok, I'm not bad. I just don't want a "normal" relationship.
Be where you are. I think not trusting your picker is perfectly valid.