Quote:
Originally Posted by Nomad
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i thought the intention was to return the flirtation with equal interest and to check to see whether it was ok to take things one step further - i.e.: a cup of coffee. is that not so? i feel like i'm being slow here. sorry. "shot down" is just a phrase. i use it for all sorts of things that have nothing to do with me trying to get my groove on with someone. is it not ok for me to have thought "awww. that's sweet." when Reader offered to pay for coffee during a mutually engaged flirtation? i want to understand both sides but at this point the only one i "get" is Reader's. i understand that it wasnt an altruistic act, thus eliminating the random act of kindness thing. but is it necessarily a "wrong" act? I don't recall reading where it was said that it was wrong, what I have issue with is the assumption that had she said yes she must have been flirting, but because she said no, Reader was shot down. cant it just be an act that is interpreted differently based on individual circumstances? Of course it can. It is evident right in the responses in this thread.
if someone had done it for me i wouldnt have automatically thought "quit trying to buy me buster." i would have thought either "no thanks, not interested and dont want to lead you on" or "cool! the flirt is working!" now if the person standing in line next to me at the grocery store was flirting with me and offered to pay my $60 grocery bill i'd have thought "uhm. no. creepy." but we're talking $2 here. See, we differ here because I would never knowingly accept something from someone that I knew was flirting with me and i had no interest in, but accepted the offer cause shit, it's only 2 bucks. That to me is leading someone on. Okay, I am rereading and I misread what you said, sorry (I am leaving my original response so it makes sense to those who have read this already) Anyway, creep factor to me doesn't equate to the dollar amount, it has to do with the person's presentation of the offer. for the price of a cup of coffee my dignity cannot be bought. anyone assuming so would find themselves picking the pieces of their ego up off the floor when i was done with them. but for the price of a cup of coffee i might get the hint that someone was flirting with me. (i'm the 2 x 4 type meself)
i would sincerely appreciate further explanation/discussion. (small words, type slowly)
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Bear with me, this will probably be all over the place.
Above Blue - Nomads text Red - My response
"Return the flirtation" and "mutually engaged flirtation" is assuming the woman was flirting back. Why is someone talking to someone else automatically flirting? Reader stated that she looked like she could be a femme lesbian. What does that even mean?
I talk to everyone. I will start a conversation with a stranger on the street, I say hello to anyone who makes eye contact, I chat up people in grocery lines, gas stations, coffee shops. Does that mean I am flirting? Nope, because I'm not. I am just a very friendly person. And I am also very conscious of cues that I get back from that person. And by that I mean if I feel that the person is misinterpreting my friendliness, I stop, nicely.
I personally have never had a stranger, out of the blue, want to buy something for me where I didn't feel like there was something more behind it. Am I jaded? Maybe. I like to think of myself as cautious. My experience has been with men wanting to buy me xyz with the intention that I will now give them more of my time, etc. (Now don't get me wrong, I like men. In my area of work I work mostly with men and most of them are the nicest guys. I say this because I don't want to convey the idea that I assume all men are out to get something.)
I find it easier to be consistent in politely saying no thank you then trying to interpret each situation. Don't have the desire and I just keep it moving under the assumption that it was a nice gesture.
And you can't compare being a line at a coffee shop with being in a bar. Two totally different environments; two totally different worlds. (I bartended for years in my twenties, so I have lots of experience with people buying other people drinks in bars).