My gorgeous femme bi tango instructor starts the lesson “It’s your connection...to the floor, to your body and to your partner…
I have always wanted to try tango and I finally did this spring with a queer tango class. I was bitten by the tango bug and signed up for more-this time a mixed class with fear and trepidation of having to dance with men.
It’s been a lonnnnng ass time since I’ve been in man space and I seriously was not sure how I would handle it, like it or how I would feel. Just the thought of having to be that close to them, smelling them, dancing virtually cheek to cheek…omg.
I was almost hyperventilating and looking for the ladies’ room.
Don’t get me wrong…I do like men, mostly gay men and they are whom I have spent most of my life dancing with as a former ballerina and teacher. It’s the straight ones I am not so sure I’d really like to be around much, but in the tango world everybody dances with everybody-at least in a tango class setting.
I realized that I wouldn’t be recognized as a FEMME. I would be seen as just another straight woman learning tango in the room because of how I look and present. I was not in the comfort of a queer tango class which Seattle is blessed to offer and where I can at least be seen for one hour a week by my community.
I was in the straight zone, learning and dancing with straight men AND women…and I had to get over myself right quick if I was going to be serious about learning this amazingly beautiful, intimate, sensuous dance called tango.
So besides loving the art form…loving dance and being a pretty good dancer, I asked myself what the "F" am I doing here anyway? To say I was uncomfortable was an understatement.
Connection? To whaaa? (floor…my body…my partner)
Oh…it gets better.
You see in tango…you start by looking at someone’s eyes as a check in to see if they WANT to dance with you…and you want to dance with them.
(ok…butch across a crowded room we spy each other… connection…check. I can relate… just hold that image!) Breathe…move!
Then the embrace…
You meet, a hand is offered and you decide on how close you will be dancing together…open embrace (arms wide holding forearms only), semi-open (hand on shoulder and waist but no close body embrace) or closed (full on embrace torso against torso) oh god just take me now…
“Tango is about the connection…to the floor, to yourself and to your partner” she says again.
After the first coed classes I realized this was why I was so damn uncomfortable. I had to dance heart to heart with most of the people in the class and it was not easy. Yet this was exactly why I needed to be here…to break open my heart and feel again after much heartbreak and disappointment.
I needed to touch and be touched and learn to open my heart again. I needed to let down the moat and break down the castle walls that I had built up over the past few years if I was ever going to love someone again…and make sure I could actually do it.
I would go home and cry after class and show up the next week and begin again…floor…myself…my partner…connection…connect…breathe…connect…MOVE…
Let go…relax…so he’s a straight guy…if you can do this you can do anything!
“Beautiful walk!” she complimented me…I thought it was just the fact that I got to wear heels and dance but I was…finally…finally getting it.
Connection…to the floor, (ground myself and feel it)
Connection…to myself (open my heart hear it beating and feel it)
Connection…to your partner (get ready to feel it again-a new partner is coming).
The walls have crumbled down revealing my beautiful femme heart is still alive and well and tango has given me a gift…Hope.