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04-15-2012, 09:23 PM | #1 |
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Struggling to come to terms......
I was wondering if we as a community could help others out that are new and or are discovering themselves in the coming to terms with coming out or that they are wondering if they would even label themselves gay, bi or lesbian. Some may not even consider those labels because they feel its the person they are attracted to. Can you tell a story of what types of struggles you encountered. Such as; were you single at the time, dating men, married to a man... etc. Also did you have struggles with coming to terms with whether or not you even thought of yourself as gay, bi or lesbian in that process.
I was reading an article the other day. I was shocked to be so blind to the struggles that some people have gone through. Some were married to men and some were single and dating men. All their struggles shocked me. I was so blind to the struggles that they had gone through. Because I knew at an early age and a lot of these women were much older (35-50) coming to terms with it. Some had been married for 10 to 25yrs. Some had married 2 and 3 times and never understood why they weren't fully happy. I'm hoping you all could help some new people out. I know that there are many people that come on to this site and other sites searching for some answers. I think the Planet is a good place for those people lurking in the back ground to find a safe place to know that they are NOT A LONE! |
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04-15-2012, 09:32 PM | #2 |
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I love the idea, Strappie! I personally have been on an incredible journey of self discovery all of my life. I have labeled myself many things, and each time I grew into familiarity with the label I owned, I stretched further and found another. I am a lesbian but who is now with a male who was born male but desires to be female. I once was sure, completely sure, I could not be with a femme, yet the man (his choice of term) I am with is a femme. We are not heterosexual. We are in a Femme Lead lifestyle. I am so completely different than the heterosexual girl my parents assumed I was! And I am older...at 55 I have seen many changes in the LGBT community. The most significant change being the internet, and how it has greatly influenced us individuals and as a community in coming out and being comfortable with who we are. So yes, here on the Planet IS a wonderful place to start or join in, on the path of discovery and acceptance
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04-15-2012, 09:34 PM | #3 |
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As in a late-bloomer thread? Awesome!
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04-15-2012, 09:41 PM | #4 |
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So some things are that I think some would like to know is...
At what age did you start to come to terms with things (meaning started to think things were different and needed possibly a lifestyle change?)..... What was your situation at that time.... married or single What gender were you with at that time... What were some of the hard thought struggles... |
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04-15-2012, 09:47 PM | #5 | |
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04-15-2012, 09:51 PM | #6 |
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What I also discovered in this article is that for the most part there is so much research and books about butch and transgenders but very little about feminine women. I guess I took it for granted. Again I was shocked to have read some of the struggles that they had gone through.
I know personally I have dated many fem women that came out late in life. I took it for granted that it was just natural for them to "come out" because it was easier for fem's then say a butch. I admit I am totally wrong. |
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04-16-2012, 08:57 AM | #7 | |
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This one is two-fold for me. When i first knew and when i decided to do something about it.... I first thought something was different around age 6 when a little boy that girls just "swooned over" put his arm around me and i remember thinking "i wish you were a girl". I knew i was different then. I hid it and pushed it back and denied those feelings for a long, long time. I married a bio male at 18 because that is what was expected. Shortly after had kids and lived a seemingly hetero life but i was just miserable. Spring forward 15 years....i put myself through school, worked full time doing so and took care of my boys. Six months after graduating college, i filed for divorce. He didn't really seem to mind cause we had turned into just a friendship for many years anyway. I knew i could no longer hide who i was at least to myself and i knew i deserved happiness like other people had. I wanted it, and i went for it. There were some really dark times in that 15 years of hiding and many nights i went to sleep on the couch so lost crying into a pillow with little hope...so alone and so devastated that i couldn't find the strength to pull myself out of this situation that i knew was wrong for me. This song, in particular, got me through it a LOT of days and nights. It was my anthem and gave me such strength. I would play it over and over and even sing it in the shower.... Major hugs to anyone going through bad times in their lives...please reach out to someone. MANY of us have been there...take a breath and HOLD ON!!!!!!
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04-16-2012, 09:55 AM | #8 |
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It was stories such as these that made me realize that I was gay, so I'm so thankful for this thread and I'll share .
I remember loving girls as early as kindergarten, but of course not in a sexual way. I first realized something was different at about 12 when all my friends went boy-crazy and I went girl-crazy, in a most non-platonic way! Instead of caring about getting a boyfriend, I developed serious crushes on one girl after another and wondered what it would be like to kiss them. I know I went through times when I was a boy in my core, and thought they were so lucky because they got to kiss girls. I realize I sound really bad, but I used to subtly watch girls change in gym, just thinking their bodies were so beautiful. Boys-naah! However, in that time and place, it never occurred to me to actually be gay. I remember in 1975, on a trip to San Francisco, my mother not allowing me to go to Haight-Ashbury because "that's where all the homosexuals live". I was quite literally growing up in the next suburb over from Leave It To Beaver Mayfield, Ohio. That's what happened for a long, long time. When my friends asked who I "liked", I couldn't very well say, "You!" I had to brush it off, somehow, that I didn't really know anyone (true). I didn't have a boyfriend until college, all the while I was in love with a high school classmate who just happened to go to the same college I did. At one point, I was in love with yet another friend and became an evangelical Christian! I'd heard a sermon that if you just prayed hard enough and turned your sins over to Jesus/God, then they would be taken off of you and forgiven. Well, I figured what I felt for women wasn't "right", so I prayed and prayed. I taught in China on what was really a missionary trip, but came back more of a Buddhist than a stronger Christian. I married my fiance', while my friend whom I was in love with gave a reading at our wedding. I knew I didn't feel the same passion for my husband as I did my friend, but chalked that up to God keeping me chaste, virtuous, strong, and mature. I swear, that was my thinking at the time. Over 14 years, we somehow had our children but evolved into a sexless friendship for 8 of those years. At 40 I was a moderator on a forum that didn't have anything to do with sexuality, but happened to have many lesbians on it. As we became close friends, and hearing their stories and feelings, I suddenly realized, "Shit! I'm supposed to be gay!" I immediately came out to my husband, who wasn't all that angry or even surprised. I think he'd suspected from day 1, and in fact had his own issues about sexuality. I came out to my best (platonic) friend, who said "I knew you were going to say that". Most of my life, and all of my unsatisfying to terrible sex life suddenly made sense. It was more than just sleeping with someone; it changed how I approach all of life. I'm much more sensual now. I feel more comfortable in my skin. My home changed; even my faith changed (to Judaism with a splash of Buddhist). And that's about it! I dated a woman I met on a website and she was the "first" time, which only confirmed my suspicions . I worried about the effect on my kids, but I think kids are more open about things now, and not naive. I haven't come right out and said "Mom's gay", preferring to leave it as a need-to-know thing, but sometimes I think they pick up on it and they are respectful in their language (no "That's so gay!") I consider myself a work in progress and I'm not done "coming out". One day I'll find the right partner for me . Until then, I'm working on myself.
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08-24-2013, 01:49 AM | #9 | |
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Anyway, the next fall, I found myself crushing on a whole new butch coworker and I realized the first one wasn't a fluke. I remember having dinner with my husband that fall for our anniversary and I felt physically ill because I just knew I couldn't hold up my end of the marriage. Within a few weeks I came out to him - told him I thought I was gay and not bi and that I had to leave him. That was a hard time - the first time I left didn't take. It took me until May of 2005 to leave him. And I think it was September of that year that I finally kissed a girl for the first time. I was terrified. I don't know why I was so terrified. Some time between leaving my ex-husband and kissing my first woman - I looked into a mirror one day and saw a dyke looking back at me. I didn't think I had internalized homophobia - heck I loved gay people and felt left out around them. But when I saw myself in the mirror and actually saw myself that way - it was hard. When I identified as bisexual, the world was my oyster. I felt like everything was a choice. But, in that moment the world shifted - and I realized I didn't have the power to *choose* my sexuality and the sexuality I was born with was one that seemed to silence and invalidate me. I don't feel like that anymore, but in that moment I think I just felt the shift from straight privilege to not having it anymore. Maybe I would have figured it out sooner if I'd been braver. Or if I'd known butches earlier. I guess things have turned out just fine. Coming out was fine. My parents have been quiet but supportive. I stumbled - am still stumbling around - in the romance department since coming out. And even since that day with the mirror, I've had a long debate with myself regarding my orientation and how I identify. Those questions are pretty well settled for me now. I'm so glad I don't have to go back and live those years over again, and I'm so glad I got out of my "straight" life. Things haven't been perfect since then, but I'm still happier than I was in that little prison I'd made for myself way back in that old life of mine. ps. I wrote this during that time:
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08-24-2013, 10:25 PM | #10 |
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Nat I could read anything you write. So well thought out and so well written. And the video ... AMAZING!!!
Thank you for sharing!! |
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08-25-2013, 12:31 AM | #11 |
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04-15-2012, 09:47 PM | #12 |
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Not to be a buzz kill, as I do agree it's nice to find other people "like you" when you are first trying to come out or find your way. But honestly, sometimes the path of self discovery and acceptance is not easy for some and it can take years and years of baby steps. Because of the world we live in--I'm sure we've all seen a lot of brothers and sisters suffering with self-hate, living in fear of family members, friends, employers finding out they are gay, bi, trans, queer, whatever/however they i.d. moreover, sometimes because of the journey and what it entails people get depressed, angry, withdrawn, and even worse. The online community is important. I just feel like sometimes people who are struggling need more and many of the answers they are looking for can't be found in the frivolity of surfing around online. Advice found online could be like a band-aid for someone who has a bullet wound.
Giving our perspectives and sharing our stories is great but I don't know what kind of answers it could give anyone who is really lost.
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04-15-2012, 09:57 PM | #13 | |
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If this thread saves one LIFE because they feel like they have no place else to go but 6 feet under... then THANK YOU ALL FOR stepping forward and telling your story!!! I personally have known many people that came online to research and read stories of others to take that journey of DISCOVERING who they are... The answers this can give someone may lie in ONE post... |
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04-15-2012, 10:00 PM | #14 | |
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04-15-2012, 10:27 PM | #15 | ||
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Very good point Blush.
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04-15-2012, 10:32 PM | #16 |
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^5 my friend!
Excellent thread, Strappie!! I have started mine, but my eyes are tired...I am "old"...lol..so have cut n pasted mine to save and will be back later to post it..thanks, my friend..we can always learn...no matter what our ages or lot in life or place we are at, right? I know I can, and do!!! Daily!!!
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04-15-2012, 10:36 PM | #17 | |
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I don't disagree with you about additional help. You said it your self... Baby steps... this thread could be a baby step in their discovery. Some people may not have the resources or funds to get the help they would like to get. Not everyone is fortunate like us to have a job and insurance to pay for those resources. |
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04-15-2012, 10:32 PM | #18 | |
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I was on active duty in the Army and stationed in Germany for a few years. Searching for and finding answers to questions I had any place other than the internet simply wasn't an option for me. I happened upon the dash site and reading people's experiences and struggles, some so very much like my own, gave me hope. Hope that I wasn't alone, hope that there were others like me. Hope that I might find someone who would love me for who I am, and who I could love in return. I could go on, but I think I'll save that for another time. I'll come back later and share my experiences in the hope that it may help someone else, in the way those older posts helped me. |
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04-15-2012, 10:51 PM | #19 | |
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I do remember you from the old days. However, I didn't know the struggles you went through. We all have a story to tell and I think it's good to express them. |
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04-15-2012, 11:00 PM | #20 |
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I'm off to bed for tonight... thank you all for all that you do for each other here on the Planet. You have no idea what this place has meant to me and so many others too! Education is a huge part of this community.
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