Dating other femmes exes: what do you think?

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by June

And as I said to Martina, I am speaking from a personal place of how I do friendships. I get to do that.

Of course you do. But it's also a forum and I can say "weirdo." :P

cause I actually can't wrap my head around the "femme sistah" thing. Eve I love dearly and gets me to the ends of the earth. she's bi with no ID. I don't grasp the concept of her sexuality or ID having anything to do with the friendship. And she gets me way more than many of my friends who happen to ID as femme.

This could be, though, because I don't live in a community that forces my ID into a place that I feel I should take pride in my ID and therefore my ID and what communities I have around it become very important for feelings of being understood. I think local politics may play a big huge role in that, possible. Cause I don't feel misunderstood as a "femme" where I am. So I don't feel any particular "sistahood" to my femme mates. I mean I'm bloody glad for them, but it's not like they corner any particular form of understanding. Whereas, at home, I know I felt quite differently about that. SO it may be our local community access to acceptance in who we are that influences this.

[Words]

Originally Posted by June

Barb -- I CANNOT wait to be on the same Continent with you again because I am totally going to flirt your socks off.

I think it could be anyone. My best friend here in town, E. We have known each other since High School. She's straight and has been married to J, who I also love deeply. If they get a divorce, I'm not going after J. Ever. Even if he won the lottery and offered me a private island and a full staff. E is TOO important to me to lose.

But June....Why are you assuming that you'd lose E? Perhaps you wouldn't. Perhaps she cares about you as much as you care about her and would trust you enough to know that your reason for going after J was an honorable one? I guess a lot depends on the circumstances, but is it totally beyond the realm of possibility that you wouldn't lose you friend?

[Mike]

i need a spread sheet to keep up!

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by Mike

i need a spread sheet to keep up!

Here's a good example!


Sweet is dead, gone, we no longer get to kick it.. I love Mike, he's not hard to look at, but my juices don't flow.

Not cause he's not dateable but because he's my family.


If mike was Sally's ex and I knew Sally from seeing her at The 616 I'd maybe ask him for a date. I doubt sexy time would happen cause I'd end up kicking it like we do now.


Comparability is a must for more than just knucke bump moments.

[Words]

Originally Posted by June

This is an interesting hypothetical:

If E doesn't want J anymore, there's probably, after all this time a really good reason, so why would I want the same hot mess?

Or

If J left E, then why would I risk him having the same behavior with me?

I think I'm too pragmatic for this.

Ah...But say they broke up by mutual agreement because they'd simply grown apart

Just kidding June. Honest.

[aishah]

When I say "Femme Sister" it is not a blanket term for ALL Femmes. I am referring to someone that I trust implicitly. I also have family of choice who are Butch and male, as well as straight. Not everyone in my orbit is even Gay.

But here, in this space, for this topic, I am speaking of women with whom I have more than a passing relationship with. The ones that know me beyond screen name and understand how I operate, the good and the not so cute.

I think the difference here is that many of us have been able to develop deep, personal and important relationships with other Femmes and some haven't.

If you're not friends with Medusa and she and Jack break up, I can see why it would feel just fine to move in on that.

I'm sure that road could go a number of ways, another Butch goes after Jack, a Femme goes after Medusa. Some errant Bear steals a car from Yellowstone and drives to Arkansas to woo Medusa back to his OR her cave. But here, in the Femme Zone, I'm talking about Femmes, friendship and loyalty.

i don't think the difference is that some of us have best femme friends/chosen family and some of us don't.

i've been family with my best femme friend since fourth grade and would fly across the country to bail her crazy ass out of jail. i've been with my partner for seven years and known him for over half my life.

if he and i had a messy breakup tomorrow and they started dating next week and i knew nothing about it, to me, that would indicate some serious communication issues that needed to be dealt with immediately (on all sides).

if, after three months or six months, we were actually having good communication and sarah talked to me about it first and they wanted to date, i'd be just fine with that. i'd probably warn them both about what they were getting into first with each other :P i'd still care deeply about them both. i'd still fly across the country to help either of them in a heartbeat. if i had some feelings of jealousy, i'd handle them.

i don't feel that that's morally wrong. or disloyal. or against any code of friendship. or "choosing sexytimes over friendship." or any of the other things people have said in this thread. i don't necessarily think that i have to agree with everyone who is a part of my chosen family on that in order for them to be in my chosen family. i don't think there's any sort of unwritten mutual agreement we need to have about it.

if the situation were reversed, i'd do the same thing - i would talk to that person - whether it was someone i'd known for over half my life or someone i met just this year on the planet or an acquaintance. and if i valued their role in my life and they had super strong feelings about it, i would probably choose not to pursue a relationship with their ex unless they became comfortable with it. but i don't assume they'll react one way or another.

[aishah]

Originally Posted by June

Aishah -- I'm fine with whatever floats your boat. Really. I just don't operate like that, and the people I'm close to don't either. And if they started to get real messy and wreak havoc with a lot of peoples lives, we'd be having a come to Jesus.

I don't like messy. And I don't think there's just one person for anyone. I don't think that any of my close friends partners are my potential soul mate that I can't live without. I don't think any of my Butch or Male friends are my potential soul mate that I can't live without.

I don't care what goes on after I'm dead. Even June has to give up control at some point.

amen! especially to the "just one soul mate." and the giving up control. that sort of thinking even -i- think is weird, LOL.