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Old 08-18-2012, 06:33 PM   #41
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Originally Posted by yotlyolqualli View Post
I too hesitated to post on a poly thread... for the following reason. When I realized that being with a partner who was poly, was NOT for me... I was accused of being.. immature, jealous, insecure, weak, didn't love myself or my partner, ... the list goes on and on.

I am not poly, I have tried being monogamous with a partner who was poly and it did NOT work for me. That didn't make me any of the above mentioned things... it simply made me... me. Monogamous and wanting the same in a partner.


That's great that you allowed yourself the freedom to explore that option, now you know it's just not going to work for your relationships.
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Old 08-18-2012, 08:55 PM   #42
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I too hesitated to post on a poly thread... for the following reason. When I realized that being with a partner who was poly, was NOT for me... I was accused of being.. immature, jealous, insecure, weak, didn't love myself or my partner, ... the list goes on and on.

I am not poly, I have tried being monogamous with a partner who was poly and it did NOT work for me. That didn't make me any of the above mentioned things... it simply made me... me. Monogamous and wanting the same in a partner.
Well, I'm sorry to say, the person/people who accused you of all of those things is/are probably not worth having in your life. You know yourself. That's more than most people can say. Stay true to yourself.
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Old 08-19-2012, 12:14 PM   #43
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i'm a bit confused about this. Many people are committed to more than one person and it's just as solid and true as a mono relationship. Is your *primary* relationship with someone who is mono your only commitment? What are ya sayin here besides the fact that you are committed to someone who is mono?
I understood the thread to be asking can a poly- have a relationship with a mono and 'it work' My primary is mono, I am poly, the relaionship is at 15 years and counting.... I have had relationships (with in that 15 years) with others who are also mono... the longest so far has been about a year and a 1/2... we are still friends and talk several times a week.

I like to build relationships, I do not like just screwing around. I don't mind being the 'experiment' for someone who is curious, or the 'special friend' of a married woman or is or isn't out... I am a safe date for woman who are not out. but I don't have sex just because its offered. ... but I will if I want to.
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Old 08-19-2012, 12:40 PM   #44
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Originally Posted by boobookitty View Post
I like to build relationships, I do not like just screwing around. I don't mind being the 'experiment' for someone who is curious, or the 'special friend' of a married woman or is or isn't out... I am a safe date for woman who are not out. but I don't have sex just because its offered. ... but I will if I want to.
This is not polyamory for *me* if ALL parties are NOT aware (this includes current husbands, wives, girlfriends, lovers, boi/boyfriends or partners) then in *my* book it's cheating. That's not polyamory and it can be really irritating and tiring when poly threads and conversations are started that this example is thrown into the mix when clearly it's not.


That's why polyamory can be so wonderful not because it's leaving someone in the dark it's BECAUSE everyone knows what they are in for and there are no down low scenarios.
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Old 08-19-2012, 09:10 PM   #45
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Yeah, I don't even do the don't ask, don't tell thing. We all have to know and at least respect one another. I haven't fucked someone who was cheating since I was in my twenties.

There's a tv show called polyamory or something. I caught a few minutes of a couple of episodes. I couldn't take more. I recall that someone told a guy that they didn't want another person in the relationship, and he said, I don't think THAT's poly. He clearly thinks poly is having as many sexual partners and additional relationships as at least HE wants.

There was one woman who was not into it much. Her husband said he was partly into poly because his wife wanted sex less than he did. So she is involved in the new relationship too -- with another couple. She looks sad, teary almost, and is trying to say something -- this is as a sexual encounter is beginning. The other woman says what's wrong, honey, do you want ME? She doesn't listen to the answer and initiates sex with the other woman. It was hard to watch. Clicked away at that point.

Sad that that is what is being represented on TV.

If people knew how much work it is, . . . .
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Old 08-19-2012, 11:46 PM   #46
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This is not polyamory for *me* if ALL parties are NOT aware (this includes current husbands, wives, girlfriends, lovers, boi/boyfriends or partners) then in *my* book it's cheating. That's not polyamory and it can be really irritating and tiring when poly threads and conversations are started that this example is thrown into the mix when clearly it's not.


That's why polyamory can be so wonderful not because it's leaving someone in the dark it's BECAUSE everyone knows what they are in for and there are no down low scenarios.
Ditto.. Hell, i don't even do one time hook ups if the other is leaving their partner in the dark or "experimenting" *shrugs* Just how I work.. But then, that is for me, other's may disagree.

*goes back to reading quietly*
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Old 08-20-2012, 07:11 AM   #47
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This is not polyamory for *me* if ALL parties are NOT aware (this includes current husbands, wives, girlfriends, lovers, boi/boyfriends or partners) then in *my* book it's cheating. That's not polyamory and it can be really irritating and tiring when poly threads and conversations are started that this example is thrown into the mix when clearly it's not.


That's why polyamory can be so wonderful not because it's leaving someone in the dark it's BECAUSE everyone knows what they are in for and there are no down low scenarios.


Where do you get off suggesting everyone is not fully informed????
You quote me AND THEN post that is not poloyamory for YOU!!!

I DO NOT CHEAT... EVER ON ANY ONE!!!

I DO NOT LIE >>EVEN TO GET TO HOLD SOMEONES HAND!!!!

I take four to six months gettiing to know someone, before a sexual relationship is even possible

You have no right to accuse me of such a thing or use my post as an example of cheating.
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Old 08-20-2012, 07:36 AM   #48
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Originally Posted by boobookitty View Post
Where do you get off suggesting everyone is not fully informed????
You quote me AND THEN post that is not poloyamory for YOU!!!

I DO NOT CHEAT... EVER ON ANY ONE!!!

I DO NOT LIE >>EVEN TO GET TO HOLD SOMEONES HAND!!!!

I take four to six months gettiing to know someone, before a sexual relationship is even possible

You have no right to accuse me of such a thing or use my post as an example of cheating.

Excuse me I was speaking from me space about what I expect in poly. Your example which I happened to quote in our household would be cheating. I even preferanced it in "me" space. There is no need to chastise me for discussing polyamory in a polyamory thread.
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Old 08-20-2012, 07:57 AM   #49
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Originally Posted by yotlyolqualli View Post
I too hesitated to post on a poly thread... for the following reason. When I realized that being with a partner who was poly, was NOT for me... I was accused of being.. immature, jealous, insecure, weak, didn't love myself or my partner, ... the list goes on and on.

I am not poly, I have tried being monogamous with a partner who was poly and it did NOT work for me. That didn't make me any of the above mentioned things... it simply made me... me. Monogamous and wanting the same in a partner.
See this is what i mean by *could that ever work*

People often think or try to be with someone who is Poly, but when the time comes that they take another lover, they realize they are just not cut out for it.
Nothing wrong with that. Can't blame someone for exploring and not living something that they are not OK with.
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Old 08-20-2012, 08:11 AM   #50
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Yeah, I don't even do the don't ask, don't tell thing. We all have to know and at least respect one another. I haven't fucked someone who was cheating since I was in my twenties.

There's a tv show called polyamory or something. I caught a few minutes of a couple of episodes. I couldn't take more. I recall that someone told a guy that they didn't want another person in the relationship, and he said, I don't think THAT's poly. He clearly thinks poly is having as many sexual partners and additional relationships as at least HE wants.

There was one woman who was not into it much. Her husband said he was partly into poly because his wife wanted sex less than he did. So she is involved in the new relationship too -- with another couple. She looks sad, teary almost, and is trying to say something -- this is as a sexual encounter is beginning. The other woman says what's wrong, honey, do you want ME? She doesn't listen to the answer and initiates sex with the other woman. It was hard to watch. Clicked away at that point.

Sad that that is what is being represented on TV.

If people knew how much work it is, . . . .
THAT is exactly what i feel. Those of us who live it don't usually have an as exciting life as they portray on TV. We don't have orgies every night and the Dominant is not orchestrating play parties on a regular basis, so yah, rather boring for ratings. Last activity we did together was probably cleaning the shit out of the barn or maybe watching a sunset. *Yawn* right?

It is work. People want to look right passed all the hard work that is done and see *WOW lots of sex going on there* The emotions and situations that come up are beyond explanation.

And when did lack of sex become the free pass to screw around? Not happy? Leave someone, cheating and sneaky behavior is NEVER ok, i don't care how *sex starved* you are. It's always excused when a man cheats on his wife because she wasn't putting out enough. MAYBE if he stopped being an asshole she would want to have sex with him.

Also, i feel MONO means two people and no one else, period.

i would not consider myself mono if i entered into a relationship where my partner had other lovers. Am i wrong here?



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Old 08-20-2012, 08:12 AM   #51
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I too hesitated to post on a poly thread... for the following reason. When I realized that being with a partner who was poly, was NOT for me... I was accused of being.. immature, jealous, insecure, weak, didn't love myself or my partner, ... the list goes on and on.

I am not poly, I have tried being monogamous with a partner who was poly and it did NOT work for me. That didn't make me any of the above mentioned things... it simply made me... me. Monogamous and wanting the same in a partner.
ditto. yaay poly happiness for anyone else. not so much for me.

i had a similar experience decades ago. only difference was that i was jealous and immature and insecure. the person making the accusation was a cheating asshat of the gold medal Olympian variety but that didnt make it any less true that i was also jealous and immature and insecure. i think a poly/mono relationship can work because there's no way *i* can say that they cant. blanket statements make my eyebrows go all twitchy. with that on the record, i know that *i* still dont have the emotional maturity it takes to be poly or to be in a relationship with someone who is.
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Old 08-20-2012, 08:17 AM   #52
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I understood the thread to be asking can a poly- have a relationship with a mono and 'it work' My primary is mono, I am poly, the relaionship is at 15 years and counting.... I have had relationships (with in that 15 years) with others who are also mono... the longest so far has been about a year and a 1/2... we are still friends and talk several times a week.

I like to build relationships, I do not like just screwing around. I don't mind being the 'experiment' for someone who is curious, or the 'special friend' of a married woman or is or isn't out... I am a safe date for woman who are not out. but I don't have sex just because its offered. ... but I will if I want to.


Question...

So the married woman's partner would know that you, the special friend, are the experiment of their curious, not out partner? if i were the partner i would be crushed to find out my partner and her *special friend* were experimenting behind my back. I'd probably incite a riot. I'd feel like a fool.

Just wondering, it sounds like sneaky stuff to me.., not what "i "consider poly.
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Old 08-20-2012, 08:18 AM   #53
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Originally Posted by boobookitty View Post
Where do you get off suggesting everyone is not fully informed????
You quote me AND THEN post that is not poloyamory for YOU!!!

I DO NOT CHEAT... EVER ON ANY ONE!!!

I DO NOT LIE >>EVEN TO GET TO HOLD SOMEONES HAND!!!!

I take four to six months gettiing to know someone, before a sexual relationship is even possible

You have no right to accuse me of such a thing or use my post as an example of cheating.
Boobookitty, with all due respect, this line in your previous post is what I'm sure most people got snagged on: "...or the 'special friend' of a married woman or[who] is or isn't out... ". Being the "special friend" of a married woman who isn't out would mean to most people that you are having a sexual relationship with a woman who isn't out, which would mean it's a secret, which to most people does not fall under the definition of "polyamory" (to love more than one person in an open and honest way) and would constitute "cheating" in such a relationship, however, if we really want to nitpick, the thread is not called "polyamory", it's just "poly" which means "more than one". So, I can see where things went astray. I think the implication behind the responses to your post is that by you being the "special friend' of someone who is married and not out, that implies that that person's spouse is being kept in the dark about your relationship. Maybe that isn't what you meant, but that's how it came across.

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Old 08-20-2012, 10:39 AM   #54
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Originally Posted by QueenofSmirks View Post
Boobookitty, with all due respect, this line in your previous post is what I'm sure most people got snagged on: "...or the 'special friend' of a married woman or[who] is or isn't out... ". Being the "special friend" of a married woman who isn't out would mean to most people that you are having a sexual relationship with a woman who isn't out, which would mean it's a secret, which to most people does not fall under the definition of "polyamory" (to love more than one person in an open and honest way) and would constitute "cheating" in such a relationship, however, if we really want to nitpick, the thread is not called "polyamory", it's just "poly" which means "more than one". So, I can see where things went astray. I think the implication behind the responses to your post is that by you being the "special friend' of someone who is married and not out, that implies that that person's spouse is being kept in the dark about your relationship. Maybe that isn't what you meant, but that's how it came across.


I do NOT agree, if there was a lack of clarity, the question of that should have been asked, ... instead a judgemnt of my behavior, by someone who what to look down her nose at me, was posted on an open forum.

I did not say her husband was in the dark!!!!

That was a made up accusation!!!

I wrote, "I like to build relationships, I do not like just screwing around."

I hang out and played pool with her husband, he was fully informed, BEFORE any sexual contact took place... IF a woman is single and does not want her co workers or her mother to know she is gay then she has that right... I respect the terms agreed to between each person I am involved with!

If her rules of relationship with someone else, is such that SHE may be with whom she pleases when she pleases.... that is a call for those who are exchanging body fluids.... NOT judgemntal people on the internet who are not part of the relationship.

Poly is a short hand for polyamorus, I did not nitpick a meaning out of context and make a slangerous accusation toward anyone on this thread.

I am not dishonest! I do not cheat!

In my comments back>> because I was quoted, are not chastisement for discussing polyamory in a polyamory thread. IT is chastisement for quoteing me and makeing comment that suggest I am dishonest and deceatful...

>>Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow -- "That's not polyamory and it can be really irritating and tiring when poly threads and conversations are started that this example is thrown into the mix when clearly it's not."<<

"this example" refering to my post, is the statment shows the intent to defame me, and say I am not honest in my actions,

For the record this IS My code of conduct : http://polyamorysociety.org/tools.html
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Old 08-20-2012, 10:54 AM   #55
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I didn't think anything needed clarification, there wasn't any judgement nor was it personal. I was talking about "my" views on poly relationships. Your poly, my poly, Joe the Plumbers poly will all be different my bad if you're upset over my wording.
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Old 08-20-2012, 12:56 PM   #56
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Originally Posted by Cajun_dee View Post
And when did lack of sex become the free pass to screw around? Not happy? Leave someone, cheating and sneaky behavior is NEVER ok, i don't care how *sex starved* you are. It's always excused when a man cheats on his wife because she wasn't putting out enough. MAYBE if he stopped being an asshole she would want to have sex with him.

Also, i feel MONO means two people and no one else, period.

i would not consider myself mono if i entered into a relationship where my partner had other lovers. Am i wrong here?
i agree with the lack of sex stupidity...however both of my partners definitely consider themselves monogamous. everyone i've ever dated who considered themselves monogamous still did after we started dating. (i consider this akin to the whole question of "does who you date change your id" - i.e. if a lesbian dates a transman does that mean she's not a lesbian - and my opinion is that your id is your id. it's different for everyone i guess.)
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Old 08-20-2012, 01:06 PM   #57
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I do NOT agree, if there was a lack of clarity, the question of that should have been asked, ... instead a judgemnt of my behavior, by someone who what to look down her nose at me, was posted on an open forum.

I did not say her husband was in the dark!!!!

That was a made up accusation!!!

I wrote, "I like to build relationships, I do not like just screwing around."

I hang out and played pool with her husband, he was fully informed, BEFORE any sexual contact took place... IF a woman is single and does not want her co workers or her mother to know she is gay then she has that right... I respect the terms agreed to between each person I am involved with!

If her rules of relationship with someone else, is such that SHE may be with whom she pleases when she pleases.... that is a call for those who are exchanging body fluids.... NOT judgemntal people on the internet who are not part of the relationship.

Poly is a short hand for polyamorus, I did not nitpick a meaning out of context and make a slangerous accusation toward anyone on this thread.

I am not dishonest! I do not cheat!

In my comments back>> because I was quoted, are not chastisement for discussing polyamory in a polyamory thread. IT is chastisement for quoteing me and makeing comment that suggest I am dishonest and deceatful...

>>Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow -- "That's not polyamory and it can be really irritating and tiring when poly threads and conversations are started that this example is thrown into the mix when clearly it's not."<<

"this example" refering to my post, is the statment shows the intent to defame me, and say I am not honest in my actions,

For the record this IS My code of conduct : http://polyamorysociety.org/tools.html
My statement about the definition of "poly" ...which could be short for polyfidelitous, or polyamorous, or polygamy... was not a slam toward you or an accusation. It was meant to open up the conversation wider than the single term polyamory, but fuck it - I will just sit back and enjoy the show.
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Old 08-20-2012, 02:18 PM   #58
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Question...

So the married woman's partner would know that you, the special friend, are the experiment of their curious, not out partner? if i were the partner i would be crushed to find out my partner and her *special friend* were experimenting behind my back. I'd probably incite a riot. I'd feel like a fool.

Just wondering, it sounds like sneaky stuff to me.., not what "i "consider poly.
So the married woman's partner would know that you, the special friend, are the experiment of their curious, not out partner?

YES!!! .... he was fully aware!!! EVERYONE who needs to know is fully aware.

If you where her partner you would have known everything.... because I meet and talk with everyone or it doesn't happen. We all talk, visit each others homes and meet family members (even children and pets) and have meals to getther before it ever gets that far....

As well... my primary meets them ... we all get to know and trust each other.. how else is a relationship built?

>>it sounds like sneaky stuff to me.., not what "i "consider poly.<<

how the h#ll is it being sneaky??? we are out in public having dinner-- openly talking about issues of our lives-- every one reads every else email etc--

(sarcasim)-- I am supposed to sent you a note too???--

How high an mighty can people get-- judgeing other with what they "consider poly" or not...

and I don't give a flip what peopel on the internet think is "correct' poly' or not...
the woman I spend time with... she matters... I care that her needs are met and if that means we act like straight girlfriends out in public...so be it...
I do NOTHING behind any partners back. Mine or hers.
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Old 08-20-2012, 03:59 PM   #59
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Back to the question of if poly/mono can work - in my experience it can. Sometimes it did, othertimes it didn't. I've had both types of relationships go up in purple polkadotted flames. I've been on both sides of each equation.

I have taken away many things from the experiences, most importantly (for me) is I realized neither is "better" just different. I can appreciate the uniqueness of each situation and also that what works for each person and couple, triad etc. is different.

Your mileage will certainly vary..
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Old 08-20-2012, 04:10 PM   #60
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Default *AHEM* since the thread is intended for opinions...

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Also, i feel MONO means two people and no one else, period.

i would not consider myself mono if i entered into a relationship where my partner had other lovers. Am i wrong here?
I think if person A enters in a relationship with person B who has other lovers, person A can consider this monogamous if person B is their only mate / sexual partner. As someone else mentioned, person A has the right to self-identify and that identity may or may not fit in with what other people think.
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