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Old 10-13-2012, 01:52 PM   #1
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Default Dating other femmes exes: what do you think?

I have a friend- not on this site-that had a recent experience that got me thinking about this topic. I could not find an existing thread about it.

Her ex-girlfriend and my friend ran in the same real life circle as another woman that they both knew. They were not friends but did know each other to say hi and to chat about superficial things and happened to frequently attend the same activities and parties.

My friend and her girlfriend broke up after a one-year relationship. My friend started going out again a couple of months after the break-up and the woman that she knew and her ex blatantly flirted in front of her at a party. My friend was truly crushed.

I honestly did not know what to say to her (other than to empathize with her feelings) as it would never have been something that I personally would have done. I avoid a friend's (even an acquaintance's) ex out of respect for, lack of a better phrase: femme sisterhood. It just does not feel right to me personally.

What do you feel about this? Is it OK because the couple were broken up? Is there a respectable amount of time that should pass before you, as a femme, flirt with or date a friend's ex in front of another femme sister-even if not you are not close friends?

Does it matter?

Is it different online vs. real life?

Your thoughts?
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Last edited by *Anya*; 10-13-2012 at 02:14 PM. Reason: Typo
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Old 10-13-2012, 02:08 PM   #2
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Back when I was "straight", I had a rule that I didn't date anyone connected with a friend (unless it was some kind of fix-up). That included siblings and exes. I think the same rule applies to me now. Friends come before dates.
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Old 10-13-2012, 02:22 PM   #3
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Lightbulb Thoughts, I may be back with more

I personally wouldn't date Medusa's ex or Julie's ex or Pinkie Pie's ex because I have a particular kind of relationship with them and other women in my life that ties them to me via my mushy parts. That's an off limits clear boundary that I have for myself.



I don't think it's wrong if you flirt with X who broke up with U and then it happens to be you run into X at Whole Pay checks and there's some flirtation and cruising. Flirting is just that.

I feel we (general) know what is right or wrong and if it feels odd or off then it probably is.


It's a code of ethics a person has to have, ethics vary by person so my ethics aren't going to be the same as X, Y & Z's but they WILL be similar to June's, Julie's, Pancho's, Crystal's or Kens..
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Old 10-13-2012, 02:57 PM   #4
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As typical for me, I am going against the grain...

Riley and I met because of a mutual friend. They were dating; she and I were friends. He and I barely spoke b/c we do not live in the same city/state-actually none of us did. Their relationship ended and she moved on to a new relationship. He and I became better friends and eventually ended up together.

I am not saying it is right or wrong. But, love happens. And I believe that the further we are from the mainstream, the harder it is for us to find someone. If those in my local community had an absolute hands-off rule regarding an ex, we would all be single. It is unreal how hard it is to find a partner who is gay AND into D/s. One or the other is not easy but add the two and you really increase the difficulty.

We have yet to run into his ex. She is no longer friends with her, by her choice, and I am not taking away from her right to feel betrayed.

I think that there are a huge amount of variables that come into play...

~How long were they together? One month is a lot different from one year.

~Who broke up with who and why? If things ended b/c they just simply did not mesh that is one thing.

~How long have they been apart? Again, one month is a lot different from one year.

~How close were the separate friendships? If Femme W and Femme X were childhood friends that is much different than Femme Y and Femme Z who do not have an extensive history.

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Old 10-13-2012, 03:00 PM   #5
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I should amend my answer that one possible exception would be if my friend went out on one or two dates with someone, and they didn't hit it off and decided to remain friends. Then it might not be so awkward, especially if friend says "I think you and Date might be great together". But an ex from a long term relationship? That falls under the "don't" category.

And as usually happens, there's a lot of "it depends" situations as LaneyDoll points out. So it's a situational thing.
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Old 10-13-2012, 03:04 PM   #6
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way back when i was stupid (i still can't believe how stupid i was. and the worst mistake i've ever made in regards to relationships.), i had a relationship with a friends girlfriend. they had broken up, but still, don't do it. i told my friend that i was talking to her ex, ... she said it was ok, but it wasn't. if you want to keep that persons voice in your life, a friendly voice, ... don't go with their ex. i regret it. i was wrong. i was stupid.

this may be a different topic all together, but i think ego causes us to be stupid lol.

and i might add, online is no different from in person. not in my used-to-be stupid opinion.
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Old 10-13-2012, 03:09 PM   #7
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Quote:
I avoid a friend's (even an acquaintance's) ex out of respect for, lack of a better phrase: femme sisterhood. It just does not feel right to me personally.

What do you feel about this? Is it OK because the couple were broken up? Is there a respectable amount of time that should pass before you, as a femme, flirt with or date a friend's ex in front of another femme sister-even if not you are not close friends?

Does it matter?
If this feeling is prevalent, perhaps this is the reason so many femmes say they can't find a butch to date. Also why a butch can't find a femme to date. This is a small community.
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Old 10-13-2012, 03:12 PM   #8
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Arrow Online

I think online it's a bit different if sally and Susie were hot and heavy for 3 months, and then they "break" up then Suzie start chatting up Sunny why should there be an issue?

That kind of drama is odd to me, if Suzie and Sunny meet in r/t and start "dating" Sally should just move on/ use ignore feature.
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Old 10-13-2012, 03:15 PM   #9
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In terms of "close" friends of mine I would not date their exes EVER....and that would be to count those femme's in my top 10 or so.

On the flip side of this.....if we honored the sister code for everyone then there would be so many single butches and femme's out there and that would just seem a little bit silly.

I personally have seen in my community largely due to the fact that it is small.....so and so dated roughly 200 people ( i know exaggerating a bit, well maybe not lol) in any case my point being why is it not ok to date and or flirt?

Online vs real life ? is there a difference? we are all real people online, at least i would like to think so anyway.

over the years it happens more often than not.......people you may know dating an ex of yours and or you dating an ex of an ex of an ex ....

*you* as in a general statement and not anyone specific.

this is a *sticky* situation one in which I believe may actually cut people off from someone they connect with.
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Old 10-13-2012, 03:15 PM   #10
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Nope, wouldn't do it.

My femme sister's relationship is way more important to me than dating. Of course i mean IF i were single.

Just as other's have said, when it's a close bonding of friendship, that is a boundary i would never cross.

No right or wrong answer. Just personal preference.


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Old 10-13-2012, 03:15 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by *Anya* View Post
... They were not friends but did know each other to say hi and to chat about superficial things and happened to frequently attend the same activities and parties...
A few month's after someone's breakup, if I know the person well enough to even know about their relationship, then no, I probably wouldn't blatently flirt with their ex in front of them if they were going to be bothered by it.

As far as dating goes - everyone has a different opinion on what is a "respectable" amount of time, and details are important and should be taken into consideration. If someone is a mere acquaintance, we happen to hang in the same circle, but we're not friends, then I likely don't feel a "sisterhood" with that person, so that isn't going to be taken into consideration. Maybe she's a raving lunatic that doesn't deserve so much care and concern about her breakup, who knows. I'm not saying this is the case with your friend, I'm merely saying that most people behave based on all of the information they know at the time. So, without knowing all the details, I'm not 100% sure what I would do, but I can tell you that if I avoided dating every ex of every acquaintance online or in real life, then virtually everyone would be off limits. We're a small community, and at my age (mid-40's), we've all been around the block a few times. I think I probably have acquaintances via all of my exes. Perhaps we're defining "acquaintance" differently. :: shrug ::

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Old 10-13-2012, 03:17 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gaea View Post

this is a *sticky* situation one in which I believe may actually cut people off from someone they connect with.
Exactly. Riley and I have been together for almost a year. Yes, we met b/c of her. But, I would not trade this past year for anything.

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Old 10-13-2012, 03:26 PM   #13
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Also id like to say .....as femme's

Who are we to begrudge an "ex" a possible connection and or "date" and or "flirting"

I would not want to be denied that ability Im sure as heck not going to deny anyone else that especially an "ex", people become exe's for various reasons and what not's, does that mean then that NEITHER one should ever date just because they may know someone who knows someone who knows someone else?

I guess Im just living in reality as well as a very small B/F community.
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Old 10-13-2012, 03:28 PM   #14
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have i ever told you all that i do not read the directions. ooo gosh, it's the femme zone! my bad.

still, don't do it.
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Old 10-13-2012, 03:33 PM   #15
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have i ever told you all that i do not read the directions. ooo gosh, it's the femme zone! my bad.

still, don't do it.
although it is the femme zone yes, personally i see nothing wrong with those of the butch persuasion responding here.
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Old 10-13-2012, 03:35 PM   #16
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I have very mixed feelings on this one. As others have said, this is a small community. If we don't date each other's exes we won't be dating much of anyone.

For me personally, I wouldn't date the ex of a very close friend, but I would date the ex of an acquaintance in real life or someone I know in a cursory way from online only.

Having said that, I think it's essential to keep other people's feelings in mind. We wouldn't want our ex doing the "wave it in your face" thing to us....so let's not do it to each other. Honestly, I don't put the responsibility for that on the new partner or prospect though...I put that responsibility on the ex.
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Old 10-13-2012, 03:56 PM   #17
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I think.... just say NO...especially if you value the friendship. There is an unspoken friend code...it exists in the straight world too.....
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Old 10-13-2012, 03:56 PM   #18
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Forgive me for snipping some parts of your posts but I think these parts highlight how I look at it and many of your feelings.

Length of time counts- together a month online and not in real life? Very different than a long-term one in real life.

Blatantly flirting and "rubbing it in the nose" of the ex who so clearly was not over him or her? Different than being gentle with someone's feelings and showing some discretion.

Clearly deciding if the new relationship worth the loss of an actual friend.

Someone that has a habit of dating 200 people- that was not the case of my friend but do not think that is relevant as much as the length of time of the serious relationship-not casual and very monogamous!

Bottom line, it sounds, if I am reading all of you correctly-everyone has their own boundaries and what is right for them.

I still never would. But that is me. I treat other femmes exactly as I would like to be treated, regardless if they live by another code or not.

Quote:
Originally Posted by June View Post
I would never EVER date the ex of a Heart/Sister Friend. Not unless they were dead of natural causes. I told her I was dating H, and she just fell apart. She wasn't mad at me, but she wasn't over him either.

So, my point here is, be gentle with the feelings of others as well. If there hasn't been a lot of time go by, I wouldn't do a lot of PDA, etc. Not all exes are bad people, they just didn't work out.
Quote:
Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow View Post
I personally wouldn't date Medusa's ex or Julie's ex or Pinkie Pie's ex because I have a particular kind of relationship with them and other women in my life that ties them to me via my mushy parts. That's an off limits clear boundary that I have for

I feel we (general) know what is right or wrong and if it feels odd or off then it probably is.


It's a code of ethics a person has to have, ethics vary by person so my ethics aren't going to be the same as X, Y & Z's but they WILL be similar to June's, Julie's, Pancho's, Crystal's or Kens..
Quote:
Originally Posted by LaneyDoll View Post


We have yet to run into his ex. She is no longer friends with her, by her choice, and I am not taking away from her right to feel betrayed.

I think that there are a huge amount of variables that come into play...

~How long were they together? One month is a lot different from one year.

~Who broke up with who and why? If things ended b/c they just simply did not mesh that is one thing.

~How long have they been apart? Again, one month is a lot different from one year.

Quote:
Originally Posted by guihong View Post
I should amend my answer that one possible exception would be if my friend went out on one or two dates with someone, and they didn't hit it off and decided to remain friends. Then it might not be so awkward, especially if friend says "I think you and Date might be great together". But an ex from a long term relationship? That falls under the "don't" category.

And as usually happens, there's a lot of "it depends" situations as LaneyDoll points out. So it's a situational thing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by macele View Post
way back when i was stupid (i still can't believe how stupid i was. and the worst mistake i've ever made in regards to relations, they had broken up, but still, don't do it. i told my friend that i was talking to her ex, ... she said it was ok, but it wasn't. if you want to keep that persons voice in your life, a friendly voice, ... don't go with their ex. i regret it. i was wrong.

and i might add, online is no different from in person. not in my used-to-be stupid opinion.
Quote:
Originally Posted by gaea View Post
In terms of "close" friends of mine I would not date their exes EVER....and that would be to count those femme's in my top 10 or so.

Online vs real life ? is there a difference? we are all real people online, at least i would like to think so
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Old 10-13-2012, 03:57 PM   #19
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I had a relationship end a few years ago. It was in October/November. She began seeing someone else in November/December. The person was someone I was friends with.

Yes, I was hurt. Yes, I felt betrayed.

But, as time passed, I realized that what they had was far more suiting then what the ex and I had. They were really happy together-moreso than the ex and I were able to be.

Sometimes who we are with is right for us at that moment. Then the moment ends and both people have to move on. I would hate to feel that I was the person standing in the way of someone else's happiness-especially as a "friend."

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Old 10-13-2012, 03:59 PM   #20
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I don't run into these issues in real life, if my ex is on here I'm going to assume they're gonna be grown and self edit and not involve all of BFP. It's unfair to drag your (general) community through muck cause your (general) ex has moved on.

In real life stuff like this doesn't come up for me, unless it's the ex husbrat and even then I can call the law.
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