Warning Signs of Abusive Relationships

[Katniss]

I've been fortunate to have never been involved in an abusive or violent relationship (manipulative/mean/batsh*tcrazy mothers are a different matter.) I did volunteer for many years at an emergency shelter for battered women and children and much of the advice above is spot on. Two things I do want to stress;

1. If you are coming to harm in any way reach out to someone. Many towns have shelters that are not advertised and you would never know they existed. A phone call to a hot line and they can arrange a safe place for you and any minor children. I can't speak for all shelters but many may also have resources you are unaware of including being able to fill prescription drugs. Some abusers hold on to the victim's medication/inhaler/insulin as a form of control. No one is there to judge and help is available but you have to make that call. Which brings me to...

2. The most powerful weapon you can give your abuser is silence. They are banking on your fear/shame/guilt/whatever to keep you quiet. Don't give them that weapon. There was one client I remember who had a warrant out for her arrest, something small and I think it was "theft by taking." She was so afraid of being turned in that she stayed with an extremely abusive partner for three years. She finally showed up at the shelter and explained after a particularly bad scenario she confided to a friend who told her "I had rather go to trial with a fair judge, do my time and have a release date than serve a life sentence with an abuser." If people don't know, they can't help you, so use your voice.


I realize the OP wanted warning signs so I will re-iterate the litmus test for me....when someone swoops in and wants to "rescue" you...from poverty/a previous bad relationship/ill health/depression/etc. and they are almost more invested in the trials of your life than you are and they take charge of your finances/healthcare/therapy/whatever, and they push you to commit to them sooner than you want...they will indeed rescue you, from everyone but themselves.

Katniss~~

[Sweet Bliss]

Katniss you are a freaking genius. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

holey socks.

[Girl_On_Fire]

Thank you for the list of awesome resources, The_Lady_Snow. It's appreciated.

One of things that I have learned from abusive relationships is this:

Abusers will attack their targets but the most skilled abuser will convince their targets to attack themselves. Like a carnivore smells prey, the experienced abuser will be able to "sniff out" your greatest weaknesses, insecurities, and doubts and use them against you. It's terrifying and degrading and take years to fully sort out and recover from because for so long, there are no clear-cut lines. Your partner isn't coming home and beating you senseless while you cower in a corner. He (or she) is systematically breaking you down until you eventually don't even know which end is up or what is appropriate anymore. It's a very emotionally scarring experience.

I appreciate all of the warning signs being posted here. I think the key in all of this is that most (not all) but most people who miss what would be considered warning signs come from some sort of abuse or neglect as a child. I honestly believe most people who grew up in loving, healthy, nurturing homes will be able to spot these signs much more quickly than someone who grew up in an abusive home because it will look alien, dangerous, and foreign. And also, most serial abusers are drawn to this type of person because they give off a certain 'vibe' that says they may make an easy/unsuspecting target.

If you've ever asked yourself, "Do I have a sign that says, Abusers Apply Here"? Yes, you do. I've been reading a fascinating book called "The Wisdom of Psychopaths" which delves into the minds of people who have been diagnosed as psychopathic. When tested by being asked to watch say, a dozen different people walk by them, were able to easily pick out someone who was once victimized by a mugging or other attack in their past. It was in their body language and something they just couldn't hide.

Do people who have never been abused still become the targets of abusers? Yes, absolutely but I think it's a bit easier for someone who has already been "softened up" so-to-speak to make an ideal target.

I think that one of the best ways to break the pattern of continually being drawn to or attracting abusers is to learn the true meaning of healthy behavior. It's important to surround yourself with friends and family who respect you and treat you in a healthy, supportive, nurturing way. The more healthy platonic behavior you're exposed to, the more confidence you build up, and the more likely you are to attract this same healthiness in a romantic partnership.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I've been in a few.

But the thing that stands out the most for me is, well, me.

I am so willing to please my partner and my self esteem rests on ensuring that I make them really see how much they want me or need me so they won't leave. This gives controlling people the idea they can become more controlling in order to fix my life and sort me out.

Because most abusers don't really know they are abusive. And their intention is to control and fix and keep things low anxiety for themselves. And try to have others behave in the way they think is proper, right and for the best.

People who push me to act like a lady (their version) by slowly devaluing my own form of morals. This can't happen without my agreement though. I have to devalue my own opinion in favour of theirs.

They don't like my friends. They tell me why my friends are really bad for me and the manipulative things/wrong/unhealthy things my friends do. I slowly choose to stop seeing my friends. I get praise the more I do this.

They believe do it out of love, support and because they know best and just want to care for me and ensure I do the right things.

They start to suggest how I should interact with my mom and dad.

They tell me the best times I should study even though they have never been to uni.

I start to lose it during arguments because they are not making sense and confusing me. I feel when I'm arguing with them, there is no right answer and I feel trapped. I can't move in the discussion. So I shut up. I say nothing.

Slowly I start to get anxious about doing things just so. She used to be so appreciative and I really want praise from her again. If it do this perfectly, then she'll notice...

I start to crave the absent praise I start going way over my own boundaries and doing things like screwing over other relationships or work.

She starts accusing me of strange things that don't make sense. I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding. And I try to clear it up but it happens again. That weird stuck.... Can't say anything right without insulting her or being accused of something else. I'm just not explaining myself properly...

This shit happens. It's happened to me a few times. But it was also very much about me and my lack of trust in myself, my lack of self esteem, my need to have praise, to be with someone I really admire and want praise from, rather than real intimacy.

I slipped and did it again when I wasn't well after my ex wife left. I can have empathy for myself when I did that. I just wanted to feel valuable again after being left and I fell into very old habits. I wanted to be needed and praised.

I've now not seen anyone seriously for almost a year. I haven't dated in six months. I am taking time to really notice what I want to change about my fears. I'm actually totally fine on my own and I can get praise from school and friends and feeling good about what I do - praise from me to me.

I have stopped trying to impress someone. Or anyone. It's hard. But in doing so I have turned down two people that would have fallen into old patters of me care taking and pleasing. I have a sense of peace, just for me.

And if I do ever get involved again, I want someone a bit more sorted out, someone emotionally stable and someone who likes me to be independant, but knows I can be much different in bed

A friend again. I won't date people again. I'll be friends though. And the trust and sexual compatibility test drives will cme from that.

[Soft*Silver]

I really love this thread and am finding some very sage folks in here. I am impressed with how careful everyone is with not putting anyone on the defense. In a room full of people who might have been victims themselves, and while talking about abuse, the last thing a sensitive non abusive non threatening person would want to do, would discredit something someone said, pick apart someone's words or make them feel small for something they said...

[Words]

Passive aggressiveness. HUGE red flag (for me), reason being that a person who constantly resorts to passive aggressiveness is likely to have problems with owning their own shit, preferring instead to stick it on to others and force them to do all the work whilst considering themselves exempt.

Words

[Soft*Silver]

ok, words, I TRIED to be TACTFUL but if you read it as PA, then oh well. Are you REALLY starting a war with me in a thread about abuse? Over gender issues? Seriously?

Rather than fight with you, I will leave this thread. I came here to talk about abuse, not get triggered nor abused.

So, you win..ok? Enjoy the thread and make sure everyone else uses the right pronouns..wouldnt want anyone to make YOU feel uncomfortable...

Originally Posted by Words

Passive aggressiveness. HUGE red flag (for me), reason being that a person who constantly resorts to passive aggressiveness is likely to have problems with owning their own shit, preferring instead to stick it on to others and force them to do all the work whilst considering themselves exempt.

Words

[Nic]

Originally Posted by Soft*Silver

you asked for signs...

a remarkable sign that most people miss, or disregard, is their account of their exes. If every ex did him/her wrong (I am going to use the pronoun HE for the abuser from this point on...but as was already said, SHE can be the abuser as well), was a dog; screwed everyone; ran to someone else; didnt take care of the house, the kids; was mouthy and disrespected him in front of his family and friends; etc....if the exes were ALWAYS the problem, we have transference going on here.

There is relatively new theory of transference called AMT...Abusive Multiple Transference, where the abuser not only transfer negative feelings of their abuser to their victims, but also transfers the power and dominance of their own abuser to themselves.*

In simple-ese?
... if the abuser felt they were always shit on, they will always believe they will get shit on, and they themselves will also always shit on others....


(*I found a really good explaination of transference and projection that relates it to domestic violence! http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_tr...ection#slide72)

Been doing a lot of self education recently. Can't tell you how many times I've heard this in the last few months. Every group of survivors I meet has had to do battle with an ex who spouted the "She/he done me wrong" and "I was so misunderstood" story. There are a lot of people who tell that story but they seem to fall into a couple of predictable categories: folks who are really wounded and can't seem to move on from that pain and folks who need you to see them as worthy of sympathy in order to gain access to you.

I'm in no way blaming people for being victims of emotional or physical violence but there's another distinction that needs to be made here. A couple of others have touched on it. Just want to suss it out a bit more and say that one of the things that strikes me as insidious in the abuse/abuser/onlooker triangle is the expectation (by onlookers) that abuse victims never engage in any passive aggressive or manipulative behavior in order to be deserving of support from outside the abusive relationship. That holier than thou POV penalizes the abused person and generally works to the abuser's advantage. It's as if the victims are required to show twice as much restraint or have double the healthy, emotional outlook when compared to their abuser or anyone else for that matter. Example: it's not uncommon for folks who are being or have been abused to be passive aggressive or manipulative because they have no relationship with having their needs met any other way. Constantly being belittled and shamed somehow will make a person stop (or never start) asking for what they need in a straightforward way. If you're taught that your voice doesn't matter or your needs don't mean anything you're eventually going stop walking the healthy line from A to B and use more circuitous route to get your needs seen to. Inevitably an onlooker sees that behavior and wrongly attributes negative intention to it rather than labeling it the survival behavior that it is. Suddenly it's the abused person who's the "bad" one in the relationship and the abuser starts to benefit from that opinion, even counts on it to reinforce the idea that they're working hard and just trying their best to keep things together under the "burden" of their victim's passive aggressive behavior. You see evidence that it works in the sympathy they gain from friends and family members. Even more powerful than what they gain from others is the way they can use the victim's survivor dysfunction against them to further undermine that person's self esteem and create more self doubt. The victim gets cast in the "emotionally unstable" role making the abuser the one who's "worthy" of sympathy from onlookers and even from the victim him/herself! Of course the abuser has temper outbursts! Just look at what the poor guy/gal has to deal with! Pretty neat trick.

We participate in reinforcing the facade of abusers if we spend any time shaking our heads at victims who "dare" to choose anything but completely straightforward, healthy, well adjusted, even tempered behavior in order to get their needs met or the work of a relationship done. We add insult to injury by shaking our heads over them when we discover that they didn't leave at the very first sign of abuse. We pretty much demand that they be better than the abuser and, sometimes, better than we are ourselves. Everyone is passive aggressive or manipulative at one time or another. Difference between abusive behavior and survivor behavior is how and why manipulation is used. Tactics that undermine another person's sense of self or self respect falls into the abuse category to me.

Originally Posted by Words

Sorry, but I have a bit of an issue with this. Why use 'he'? Given that this is a queer website and that the majority of the members here identify as women, wouldn't 'she' be more appropriate (or, better still, the non-gender specific 'they')?

I appreciate that this probably wasn't your intention, but it just feels to me like men, butches, and FtMs always get a bid of a raw deal when it comes to the language we default to when discussing abuse.

Words

Fairly said. Growing up in Panama reinforced my cultural and emotional attachment to "abuser" = "male" despite knowing that there certainly are female abusers. For ease, I understand a person's decision to declare the use of a pronoun for time saving sake but in the case of such a sensitive issue maybe we need to go ahead and take the time to type out the extra pronoun. I'll keep that in mind myself.

Originally Posted by Girl_On_Fire

The more healthy platonic behavior you're exposed to, the more confidence you build up, and the more likely you are to attract this same healthiness in a romantic partnership.

To bad we don't culturally value platonic relationships the way we do partnered ones. Hardly ever see a Disney movie about friendship being given a higher position on the value scale than partnered relationships. (Thinking mostly "classics" here because I'm old. Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Lady and the Tramp, Aristocats, Aladdin, Little Mermaid, etc.) Usually the main character (usually female) must somehow be rescued by someone in order for the story to progress. Even when a strong female character is sketched out she somehow has to be saved by someone else eventually.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Lesbian Partner Violence Fact Sheet

Suzana Rose, Ph.D.
National Violence Against Women Prevention Research Center
University of Missouri at St. Louis

What is lesbian partner violence?

Partner violence in lesbian (and gay) relationships recently has been identified as an important social problem. Partner or domestic violence among lesbians has been defined as including physical, sexual and psychological abuse, although researchers have most often studied physical violence.

How common is lesbian partner violence?

About 17-45% of lesbians report having been the victim of a least one act of physical violence perpetrated by a lesbian partner (1,5,6,13). Types of physical abuse named by more than 10% of participants in one study included:

Disrupting other’s eating or sleeping habits

Pushing or shoving, driving recklessly to punish, and slapping, kicking, hitting, or biting (11).

Sexual abuse by a woman partner has been reported by up to 50% of lesbians (12).

Psychological abuse has been reported as occurring at least one time by 24% to 90% of lesbians (1,5,6,11,14).

The research usually has been done with mostly white, middle-class lesbians who are sufficiently open about their sexual orientation to have met researchers seeking participants in the lesbian community. Subsequently, these findings may not apply to women who are less open, less educated, or of other ethnic backgrounds. [/CENTER]


Why would a lesbian batter another woman?

Lesbians who abuse another women may do so for reasons similar to those that motivate heterosexual male batterers. Lesbians abuse their partners to gain and maintain control . Lesbian batterers are motivated to avoid feelings of loss and abandonment. Therefore, many violent incidents occur during threatened separations. Many lesbian batterers grew up in violent households and were physically, sexually, or verbally abused and/or witnessed their mothers being abused by fathers or stepfathers.

How is lesbian partner violence different from heterosexual partner violence?

There are several similarities between lesbian and heterosexual partner violence. Violence appears to be about as common among lesbian couples as among heterosexual couples. In addition, the cycle of violence occurs in both types of relationships. However, there also are several differences.

In lesbian relationships, the "butch" (physically stronger, more masculine or wage-earning) member of the couple may be as likely to be the victim as the batterer, whereas in heterosexual relationships, the male partner (usually the stronger, more masculine, and wage-earning member) is most often the batterer. Some lesbians in abusive relationships report fighting back in their relationship.

In addition, a unique element for lesbians is the homophobic environment that surrounds them . This enables the abusive partner to exert "heterosexist control" over the victim by threatening to "out" the victim to friends, family, or employer or threatening to make reports to authorities that would jeopardize child custody, immigration, or legal status. The homophobic environment also makes it difficult for the victim to seek help from the police, victim service agencies, and battered women's shelters.


What legal rights do battered lesbians have?

In some states, police are required to treat cases of lesbian domestic violence the same way as they do heterosexual domestic violence. Many states have mandatory arrest laws that require the police to arrest the batterer in certain situations; this applies to lesbian and heterosexual batterers alike. Batterers can be prosecuted in a criminal court. Survivors may be entitled to an order of protection, a court order that prohibits a batterer from talking to or approaching the victim.

Same-sex couples are always excluded from obtaining a protective order in seven states (Arizona, Delaware, Louisiana, Montana, New York, South Carolina, and Virginia) and often excluded in three states (Florida, Maryland, and Mississippi). These states either limit protective orders to opposite-sex couples or usually interpret the law to apply only to opposite-sex couples.

How often is lesbian partner violence reported to the police?

There are significant barriers to lesbians seeking help. Lesbian victims seldom report violent incidents to the police because many fear prejudicial treatment, and many state domestic violence laws fail to protect same-sex partners. Also, in cases of same-sex violence, police often assume the abuse is mutual (or believe an abuser’s claim that the abuse is mutual) and are more likely to arrest both members of the couple. Battered women’s agencies also may not be open to serving lesbians.

How can you help a lesbian who is the victim of partner violence?

To support a lesbian who is the target of partner violence:
Let her know that she can call you for help. Help her develop a safety plan concerning how she will get out if she needs to leave quickly, including having a bag prepared and easily accessible with essential documents (including identification, money, and anything else that might be needed), and arranging a place to stay in an emergency. Give her the keys to your house. Don’t give up and don’t criticize her or turn her away because she doesn’t leave right away.

If you are in a city that has an Anti-Violence Project connected to the National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs (http://www.avp.org), tell her about the services of your local AVP. Many AVPs provide counseling, advocacy with the police and criminal justice system and support groups. Some therapists specialize in lesbian partner abuse, as well.


>sources<

[Medusa]

Originally Posted by Soft*Silver

ok, words, I TRIED to be TACTFUL but if you read it as PA, then oh well. Are you REALLY starting a war with me in a thread about abuse? Over gender issues? Seriously?

Rather than fight with you, I will leave this thread. I came here to talk about abuse, not get triggered nor abused.

So, you win..ok? Enjoy the thread and make sure everyone else uses the right pronouns..wouldnt want anyone to make YOU feel uncomfortable...

SoftSilver-

Your post was reported for drama, rudeness, and Golden Flounce. Please DO NOT engage with other members in this way.

You have the opportunity to report a post that you find offensive and let the Moderators handle it but it is never acceptable to resort to this type of posting when you are frustrated.

Take a few days away from this thread if you need to and put members on ignore who irritate you but leave the drama and ugly posting off of the threads.

Thanks,
Medusa

[The_Lady_Snow]

Heterosexism, homophobia and transphobia are likely to be the primary social oppressions faced by white lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender (LGBT) victims;these interact with racism to complicate the situation for victims of color. LGBT people may encounter homophobia/transphobia in situations that are supposed to be safe for people of color and, racism in places that are supposed to be safe for LGBT people.

Triple Jeopardy

LGBT victims of color encounter a kind of triple-jeopardy:

RACISM among DV advocates and in LGBT community

HETEROSEXISM in community of color

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE involving additional abusive tactics

Racism among service providers and authorities
LGBT survivors of color are usually not in policiy-making or leadership positions
in DV service agencies, so advocates may not consider their perspectivies, or may not be aware of, important parts of their experience, including:

--Their experience of encountering helpers (even in shelters or support groups that are promoted as safe for victims) and authorities who make stereotypical assumptions:

That the partner of color in a racially mixed relationship is likely to be the abuser

That People of Color are more aggressive and more likely to fight back than white victims (making it particularly unlikely that authorities will recognize the fact that they are being abused

--The reluctance of victims of color to report their partners to the criminal justice system, because:

Police and courts respond more strongly to violence by
people of color than to violence against them

They don't want their partner to be exposed to racist attacks in jail (and abusers may use this to keep their partners from calling the police

--The conflicting loyalties that can trap LGBT victims of color in relationships with abusers:

For instance,"...many lesbians of color who are experiencing relationship violence express a need to protect both their communities and themselves from the retaliation of the dominant White and heterosexual society that would use lesbian battering to further stigmatize and oppress them"

The need to protect their community of color can affect an LGBT victim of color's choices about whether to seek services

Racism in LGBT Communities
Primarily White LGBT agencies may view the concerns of people of color as divisionary or irrelevant to LGBT work, leading people of color to feel excluded from LGBT spaces and organizations. Again, they may not be included in policy-making and leadership positions. LGBT victims of color may feel pressure to "choose" which identity is most central to them (either you're black/latina/asian/Puerto Rican or you're gay).

Homophobia and transphobia in communities of color
Some communities of color may not want to recognize that LGBT people of color exist, much less affirm them. They may try to "protect themselves from further racist attack by dissociating themselves from 'social deviants'[LGBT people] that not even White people want in the midst." Communities of color may see LGBT people of color as betraying their community by choosing to live their sexual identity rather than perpetuate the community by marrying and having children. (This is an example of how a stereotype of LGBT people--that they don't have children--interacts with racism, which makes the community feel that its existence is threatened).

Race related tactics

-Using racial epithets & negative racial stereotypes

-Using partner's reluctance to involve police and knowledge of history of police abuse of people of color to discourage them from seeking help

Victim is a person of color

The abuser my battery by:

Using white or light skin privilege.

Using master/slave S/M scenes.

Exploiting partner's internalized racism.

Outing or threatening to out partner to family, or others in community of
color.



Abuser if person of color
If the victim is white, the abuser may batter by:

Blaming own abusiveness on partner's use of white privilege.

Dismissing partner's objection to violence as white uptightness.

Labeling partner as racist for accusing them of abuse.

Excusing own abusiveness as "culturally appropriate" communication or
behavior.

Insisting that abuser would be subjected to racist responses if partner
sought help. (For instance, telling them that their calling the police would
expose partner to racist attacks in jail.)



Difficulty finding help
Victims and perpetrators do encounter racist responses from helpers and authorities; the knowledge that this may happen can also be used by abusers to confuse and immobilize their partners. Victims of color frequently encounter service providers and authorities who:

Are both racist and homophobic/transphobic.

Believe that it's normal for people of color to live with abuse.

Are not sensitive to DV, and racism, and homophobia and transphobia.

Have a history of hostile response to both LGBT people and people of color (
treating victims as perpetrators, seeing violence as mutual, etc.)

Locate services only in white communities.

Apply a one-size-fits-all approach to domestic violence.





























>source<

[Rockinonahigh]

We have spoken about spousal abuse and family abuse,but there is another kind that so often we may not see till we finely beleve it's happening.It comes from the people we keep in our friendship circle,it happends in small amounts when someone starts to nit pick about one thing or the other so we give them the benefit of doubt cause they may be having a bad day for whatever reason so it may not be so noticeable till it raises it's ugly head.I have had to drop people out of my circle of friends because of the icky feeling and down right being tired of the attitude that is causing the problem.At the moment I have a so called friend who is carying a big grudge over something that could have been avoided if she had included the whole team in the trip planing for us to to to Vegas for the nationals pool championships.So far the effects of what she did has been far reaching because of her actions.Being around her has become toxic so many of us on the teams have either droped her from the team list or left the teams we all have played on with her,she is also talking smack about every one who she thinks have done her wrong when no one has done a thing but get away from the trouble then move on.Personaly I will be so glad to not have to deal with her nasty comments plus bad behavior.Yes,I have spoken to her about this with no good out come.

[TruTexan]

What I want to say is this........ I hope no one else ever gets accused of being the abuser when they are the victim. It can cost you greatly....emotionally, mentally, physically and financially and socially. It's a fucked up thing to happen to anyone. And it can silence you as well, as it's silenced me until today.

[Rockinonahigh]

TruTexan,my friend I am proud of you as well as anyone who is no longer silent,the abuser shouldn't ever get away with what they have done,silence is the way they can keep doing the dastardly deed's they do...It'also a way for use to heal by voicing what they did.

[Teddybear]

Originally Posted by TruTexan

What I want to say is this........ I hope no one else ever gets accused of being the abuser when they are the victim. It can cost you greatly....emotionally, mentally, physically and financially and socially. It's a fucked up thing to happen to anyone. And it can silence you as well, as it's silenced me until today.

This is a form of abuse. I know where the abuser to have power over their victim. It can ruin a persons reputation, their livelihood and cause a boat load of problems for them.

Its hard when ur the victim and the abuser keeps threatening to cause problems for you by reporting falsley to the police or to other ppl that you they are the victim when in fact they are the abuser.

They is also the fact where the abuser will set out to ruin the other person for leaving them, standing up for themselves.

I have had everything but my clothing stolen and I believe if they had the chance they would have done something to them also. I have lost to abusers my freedom also. What i have lost to them of worldly possessions doesnt equal what I have lost in me.

I can replace in time what worldly possessions I have lost if i choose to but what I have lost of ME I dont know if I will get back. IM working on it and in time I will see and until then I refuse to allow anyone to have that power over me

Im stepping off my soap box now

[Girl_On_Fire]

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

I've been in a few.

But the thing that stands out the most for me is, well, me.

I am so willing to please my partner and my self esteem rests on ensuring that I make them really see how much they want me or need me so they won't leave. This gives controlling people the idea they can become more controlling in order to fix my life and sort me out.

Because most abusers don't really know they are abusive. And their intention is to control and fix and keep things low anxiety for themselves. And try to have others behave in the way they think is proper, right and for the best.

People who push me to act like a lady (their version) by slowly devaluing my own form of morals. This can't happen without my agreement though. I have to devalue my own opinion in favour of theirs.

They don't like my friends. They tell me why my friends are really bad for me and the manipulative things/wrong/unhealthy things my friends do. I slowly choose to stop seeing my friends. I get praise the more I do this.

They believe do it out of love, support and because they know best and just want to care for me and ensure I do the right things.

They start to suggest how I should interact with my mom and dad.

They tell me the best times I should study even though they have never been to uni.

I start to lose it during arguments because they are not making sense and confusing me. I feel when I'm arguing with them, there is no right answer and I feel trapped. I can't move in the discussion. So I shut up. I say nothing.

Slowly I start to get anxious about doing things just so. She used to be so appreciative and I really want praise from her again. If it do this perfectly, then she'll notice...

I start to crave the absent praise I start going way over my own boundaries and doing things like screwing over other relationships or work.

She starts accusing me of strange things that don't make sense. I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding. And I try to clear it up but it happens again. That weird stuck.... Can't say anything right without insulting her or being accused of something else. I'm just not explaining myself properly...

This shit happens. It's happened to me a few times. But it was also very much about me and my lack of trust in myself, my lack of self esteem, my need to have praise, to be with someone I really admire and want praise from, rather than real intimacy.

I slipped and did it again when I wasn't well after my ex wife left. I can have empathy for myself when I did that. I just wanted to feel valuable again after being left and I fell into very old habits. I wanted to be needed and praised.

I've now not seen anyone seriously for almost a year. I haven't dated in six months. I am taking time to really notice what I want to change about my fears. I'm actually totally fine on my own and I can get praise from school and friends and feeling good about what I do - praise from me to me.

I have stopped trying to impress someone. Or anyone. It's hard. But in doing so I have turned down two people that would have fallen into old patters of me care taking and pleasing. I have a sense of peace, just for me.

And if I do ever get involved again, I want someone a bit more sorted out, someone emotionally stable and someone who likes me to be independant, but knows I can be much different in bed

A friend again. I won't date people again. I'll be friends though. And the trust and sexual compatibility test drives will cme from that.

This post really touched me, the way you broke down the systematic behavior and subsequent doubt. I'm somebody who is always questioning whether or not I'm misunderstanding something.

I often miss "the obvious" (whatever that is) and don't see that someone is trying to mess with my head, be subtle or be passive aggressive at all. It simply doesn't register with me. I take everything said to me and in front of me literally. When you're a literal person, I know this is going to sound weird, I'm sure it's frustrating for the abuser.

I mean, think about it from their point of view. You're trying to really "get someone's goat" by being subtle and it's going over their and they're still staring at you with stars in their eyes. (I can't even imagine how disgusted my ex partner was by this). She had no choice but to up the ante. That's sick I know but I really believe that was a source of frustration for her.

I firmly believe when someone has limited social understanding or is simply very literal and trusting, they can be at risk for not only being targeted by abusers and may be in danger of honestly believing that they are the problem no matter how ridiculous the accusation. I know I definitely fell for this over and over again.

My ex was distinctly aware of my social confusion and lack of experience and took full advantage. Eventually, my only means of escape was to completely deny I had any needs and never ask for anything for fear of "rocking the boat". No matter what I did or how hard I tried, nothing was ever right. The sad thing is, I didn't figure out it wasn't me until it was very close to the end.

It's amazing how that can happen. It's almost like a type of brainwashing.

[gotoseagrl]

Yikes, this is a lot to read. This is so touchy, and not easy for me to step forward with. But I felt the need to say something. I wanted to address emotional/psychological aspect of abuse specifically. The kind that is harder to see from the outside because the wounds & scars are all internal and behind closed doors. The worst kind is sometimes that which develops over time, and has a subtlety to it that is hard to describe. It can keep you in a constant state of severe confusion, even after it's over. Sometimes this can be the most difficult to fully recognize, escape & recover from. It might take you 10+ times trying. That alone is a big sign.

Everyone's situation, limitations & ability to cope & be healthy before something becomes abusive to that particular person, varies. Things I have learned to be possible warning signs, speaking from a combination of personal experience, observation of others, and research (I am making up the examples):

- A lot of times things are amazing in the beginning. But that's only the good side of the passion. Little hostilities start to happen, sometimes very small ... such as "You were away 3 hours instead of 2?" At first it might seem like a really small discrepancy, *but it doesn't sit right with you*. You feel a heavy, negative feeling inside. But your connection with this person is otherwise amazing & you already formed the attachment. So, it passes & you move on.

- Questioning becomes more intense. "Where were you? What were you doing? With who? Why that person? What did they say?" or "You went to the store? Why at this hour? What did you get? What are you going to do with it? But you never usually get that kind." Excessive questioning & speculation feels more like probing than just normal conversation or curiosity. You end up dreading going anywhere or doing anything because you know 20 questions will immediately follow.

- You start having arguments or fights. They are emotionally vicious. That person might not use foul language or even raise a voice. But what they say or ask (and usually repeatedly) feels like a cut from a knife. You notice you are always having to feel defensive whenever there is a conflict. And then you feel extremely hurt after. If you already had trust issues, it might take you a significant amount of time to even be able to bring yourself close to them again. So, you start to really dread having conflicts - or even conversations that could potentially lead to a conflict - with this person, because you know how it will go, how bad it will hurt, how high your anxiety/stress levels will rise.

- You might start to notice that after having such an intense relationship with this person, and a formed emotional dependency, that you start to develop some of their same bad habits. Such as wondering where they are after so many hours, why they are doing x,y,z ... etc. You start questioning a lot yourself.

- You start feeling overwhelmingly that the conflicts & super high stress levels are way too frequent, way too extreme & way too repetitive. You start feeling the need to leave and break it off. You might even do that. But you might either always end up going back - after a lot of harassment and persuasion - or you can't find the courage to actually leave because in your mind & heart you desperately try to rationalize by clinging to the good moments & good qualities of this person. Those little bits are all you have to hang onto in order to survive a lot of times. Memories that come & go quickly, future fantasies (the life you two have planned out), not-yet-fulfilled promises, unachieved goals. Those become like your air to breathe.

There is so, so much I can say. But to try to sum it up, it might be wise to keep in mind that any of the following could possibly indicate that something is wrong:

- If you have any old relationships to compare this one to, think about it. Were the old ones generally pretty good & felt "normal", even if they didn't work out for some non-abusive reason ... did not damage or decrease your health?

- In the relationship, do you notice you do or say or feel things that you know you normally don't with others, or didn't in past relationships? Do you feel the conflicts bring out behaviors in you that aren't healthy or weren't there before? Do they bring out the worst in you? This can only contribute to the cycle of abuse. And your partner can also use these weaknesses of yours against you, which also fuels the cycle.

- Do the conflicts *always* (99.9% of the time) have the same cycle: let's say something has hurt you, you either withdraw from fear & avoid confrontation, or you get the courage to bring it up to your partner. An argument starts because your partner, of course, disagrees/denies/minimizes your feelings. You react, you are upset. They use your reaction against you and quickly assume the victim role. And if they have any kind of reaction of their own, that gets blamed on you too.

** I'd like to note here that sometimes the type of person who tries to claim they are always the calm one, they rarely call you names, etc... this can be one of the most long-lasting abusive tactics, because this person can & will always try to use this as a weapon ... as a reason to prosecute you for any real true emotional reactions you have to the pain. They will always say you are the one overreacting, you are the irrational one, always question why you
are so upset, etc. And that in turn makes you even more upset and/or need to withdraw. It can be a true mind game.

- Do they build you up and then break you down in a contradicting way? When things are fine and on their terms, they might acknowledge that they know you'd never do x,y,z or that you're not that type of person, that they trust you 100% ... that it's just "old relationship baggage" (which no one should have to eternally suffer for). But as soon as the switch flips, they are accusing you of that very thing, calling you out of your character. Or if you did find the courage to leave, do they say and do anything to try to come after you, tear you down, attack, suffocate, harass, violate you? But you know if you gave into them, 5 minutes later they'd be telling you how much they love you & you're the only one for them, how they only want what's best for you (which is always them, according to them) etc. This is like *conditional* "love", where you will only be truly "loved" if you agree to what their primary need is (which is their attachment to you), otherwise you are unfaithful, dishonest, sleezy, a fake, heartless, etc. etc. etc. anything else they can think of that is the furthest from true.

- When it comes to important things, always saying they will, yet rarely ever actually do. Lack of consistency.

- Do they use parts of your own most personal, sensitive past against you, as a weapon when you are fighting or they are hurt? In a conflict or random moment of paranoia, you notice they always resort to bringing up some painful part of your life & throw it in your face, especially when it has nothing to do with the current situation.

- How do they treat you about your exes or new people who have come into your life? Do they ban you from having any contact with an ex because they insist that just because you were with someone in the past, you are bound to want to be with them again or vice versa, even if you & that person are genuinely just friends. If you happen to make a new non-threatening friend, do you immediately get the 3rd degree about what that friend's intentions are, what are their secret motives for wanting to be your friend, etc?

- Double standards ... is it always ok that they do x,y,z, and usually frequently, and you're expected to have no negative reaction to it, yet if you ever did even once by mistake or once in a blue moon, that is not acceptable and you endure hell for it?

- Do you develop new fears you didn't have in relationships before? Do you find that you can't do things or go places (even online) that you used to enjoy because you know they will immediately have something negative to say or ask? You know you will be accused, suspected, and that every little detail will be picked apart. This isn't normal. I believe you should have the trust from your partner that you give in return .. to go and do freely the simple things that bring you positivity and be part of a community as the individual you are without fear, even within a power exchange relationship.

- Do they use guilt or bribes to try to get you to stay? They might say that someone who really loved them would stay forever at any cost, no matter what ... that longevity of a relationship is above all. Or they might constantly dangle in your face promises of the future ... but what about this .. or if you just stay you will have that, what you always wanted. This is called tantalizing, and it can really confuse you as to whether you should stay or not.

- It's true that what someone else thinks isn't always everything, but do you notice that you been warned or even begged by trusted family or a friend more often than not, not to continue in this relationship? Have these people seriously feared for your safety? It's not easy to listen to or even see, but there is a reason for these alerts.

- This one is really important: How are things whenever there is an emergency? Is this someone you feel safe turning to without 2nd thought? Do stress levels increase or max out on top of what is already going on? Do you always end up arguing or feeling even worse during this time of distress? Do they demand personal attention or promptness over whatever else is going on? Do you feel completely alone, emotionally?

- This one is really important too: No one is perfect or without some way they could be working on being a better person or partner in a relationship. You might know that if you have some issues you are working through yourself, then you've done whatever you needed to do to address that ... therapy, some resource, whatever. Has this person done the same? Do they always promise they will get help, if only you stay with them, and they either make weak attempts, dont follow through, or refuse to at all? This isn't fair. And it only means the cycle will continue. Until you have hit rock bottom.

- If you notice that issues you already struggled with (anxiety or depression for example) are only made worse and brought to the lowest points while with this person, or if their questioning or tactics have brought you to your knees in emotional suffering or a breakdown, and this happens over and over ... and over again, then things are far too extreme.

The bottom line is: Love is about visible actions, not just words. Someone who truly cares about you & loves you, will always respect & comply with whatever it is you truly need in order to be a healthy person - not only on their terms, but on yours, because no one knows what you need better than you do. Even if this means the two of you are not working out. They should have concerns about their own health & well-being too and should be proactive about that along with you. Someone with a better grip on reality wouldn't let this type of situation continue either. Leaving doesn't mean you didn't love them and give every ounce you had. The fact that there is abuse doesn't mean they don't have a good side or that you are "misjudging" them. It's true relationships take some work sometimes, but shouldn't be at the harmful sacrifice of your being or health til it's depleted & you are left a shell. Being in a relationship of any kind of lifestyle or dynamic is *always* your own consent & everyone has the right to true love, peace and personal boundaries to be respected. No is no. Enough is enough. Goodbye is goodbye. This was way more than I intended to say, but couldn't find a way to leave out any of these points. I really hope anyone out there who is currently in one of these situations will reach their moment of true and lasting clarity, once and for all... asap. It's never too late.

[*Anya*]

Originally Posted by gotoseagrl

Yikes, this is a lot to read. This is so touchy, and not easy for me to step forward with. But I felt the need to say something. I wanted to address emotional/psychological aspect of abuse specifically. The kind that is harder to see from the outside because the wounds & scars are all internal and behind closed doors. The worst kind is sometimes that which develops over time, and has a subtlety to it that is hard to describe. It can keep you in a constant state of severe confusion, even after it's over. Sometimes this can be the most difficult to fully recognize, escape & recover from. It might take you 10+ times trying. That alone is a big sign.

Everyone's situation, limitations & ability to cope & be healthy before something becomes abusive to that particular person, varies. Things I have learned to be possible warning signs, speaking from a combination of personal experience, observation of others, and research (I am making up the examples):

- A lot of times things are amazing in the beginning. But that's only the good side of the passion. Little hostilities start to happen, sometimes very small ... such as "You were away 3 hours instead of 2?" At first it might seem like a really small discrepancy, *but it doesn't sit right with you*. You feel a heavy, negative feeling inside. But your connection with this person is otherwise amazing & you already formed the attachment. So, it passes & you move on.

- Questioning becomes more intense. "Where were you? What were you doing? With who? Why that person? What did they say?" or "You went to the store? Why at this hour? What did you get? What are you going to do with it? But you never usually get that kind." Excessive questioning & speculation feels more like probing than just normal conversation or curiosity. You end up dreading going anywhere or doing anything because you know 20 questions will immediately follow.

- You start having arguments or fights. They are emotionally vicious. That person might not use foul language or even raise a voice. But what they say or ask (and usually repeatedly) feels like a cut from a knife. You notice you are always having to feel defensive whenever there is a conflict. And then you feel extremely hurt after. If you already had trust issues, it might take you a significant amount of time to even be able to bring yourself close to them again. So, you start to really dread having conflicts - or even conversations that could potentially lead to a conflict - with this person, because you know how it will go, how bad it will hurt, how high your anxiety/stress levels will rise.

- You might start to notice that after having such an intense relationship with this person, and a formed emotional dependency, that you start to develop some of their same bad habits. Such as wondering where they are after so many hours, why they are doing x,y,z ... etc. You start questioning a lot yourself.

- You start feeling overwhelmingly that the conflicts & super high stress levels are way too frequent, way too extreme & way too repetitive. You start feeling the need to leave and break it off. You might even do that. But you might either always end up going back - after a lot of harassment and persuasion - or you can't find the courage to actually leave because in your mind & heart you desperately try to rationalize by clinging to the good moments & good qualities of this person. Those little bits are all you have to hang onto in order to survive a lot of times. Memories that come & go quickly, future fantasies (the life you two have planned out), not-yet-fulfilled promises, unachieved goals. Those become like your air to breathe.

There is so, so much I can say. But to try to sum it up, it might be wise to keep in mind that any of the following could possibly indicate that something is wrong:

- If you have any old relationships to compare this one to, think about it. Were the old ones generally pretty good & felt "normal", even if they didn't work out for some non-abusive reason ... did not damage or decrease your health?

- In the relationship, do you notice you do or say or feel things that you know you normally don't with others, or didn't in past relationships? Do you feel the conflicts bring out behaviors in you that aren't healthy or weren't there before? Do they bring out the worst in you? This can only contribute to the cycle of abuse. And your partner can also use these weaknesses of yours against you, which also fuels the cycle.

- Do the conflicts *always* (99.9% of the time) have the same cycle: let's say something has hurt you, you either withdraw from fear & avoid confrontation, or you get the courage to bring it up to your partner. An argument starts because your partner, of course, disagrees/denies/minimizes your feelings. You react, you are upset. They use your reaction against you and quickly assume the victim role. And if they have any kind of reaction of their own, that gets blamed on you too.

** I'd like to note here that sometimes the type of person who tries to claim they are always the calm one, they rarely call you names, etc... this can be one of the most long-lasting abusive tactics, because this person can & will always try to use this as a weapon ... as a reason to prosecute you for any real true emotional reactions you have to the pain. They will always say you are the one overreacting, you are the irrational one, always question why you
are so upset, etc. And that in turn makes you even more upset and/or need to withdraw. It can be a true mind game.

- Do they build you up and then break you down in a contradicting way? When things are fine and on their terms, they might acknowledge that they know you'd never do x,y,z or that you're not that type of person, that they trust you 100% ... that it's just "old relationship baggage" (which no one should have to eternally suffer for). But as soon as the switch flips, they are accusing you of that very thing, calling you out of your character. Or if you did find the courage to leave, do they say and do anything to try to come after you, tear you down, attack, suffocate, harass, violate you? But you know if you gave into them, 5 minutes later they'd be telling you how much they love you & you're the only one for them, how they only want what's best for you (which is always them, according to them) etc. This is like *conditional* "love", where you will only be truly "loved" if you agree to what their primary need is (which is their attachment to you), otherwise you are unfaithful, dishonest, sleezy, a fake, heartless, etc. etc. etc. anything else they can think of that is the furthest from true.

- When it comes to important things, always saying they will, yet rarely ever actually do. Lack of consistency.

- Do they use parts of your own most personal, sensitive past against you, as a weapon when you are fighting or they are hurt? In a conflict or random moment of paranoia, you notice they always resort to bringing up some painful part of your life & throw it in your face, especially when it has nothing to do with the current situation.

- How do they treat you about your exes or new people who have come into your life? Do they ban you from having any contact with an ex because they insist that just because you were with someone in the past, you are bound to want to be with them again or vice versa, even if you & that person are genuinely just friends. If you happen to make a new non-threatening friend, do you immediately get the 3rd degree about what that friend's intentions are, what are their secret motives for wanting to be your friend, etc?

- Double standards ... is it always ok that they do x,y,z, and usually frequently, and you're expected to have no negative reaction to it, yet if you ever did even once by mistake or once in a blue moon, that is not acceptable and you endure hell for it?

- Do you develop new fears you didn't have in relationships before? Do you find that you can't do things or go places (even online) that you used to enjoy because you know they will immediately have something negative to say or ask? You know you will be accused, suspected, and that every little detail will be picked apart. This isn't normal. I believe you should have the trust from your partner that you give in return .. to go and do freely the simple things that bring you positivity and be part of a community as the individual you are without fear, even within a power exchange relationship.

- Do they use guilt or bribes to try to get you to stay? They might say that someone who really loved them would stay forever at any cost, no matter what ... that longevity of a relationship is above all. Or they might constantly dangle in your face promises of the future ... but what about this .. or if you just stay you will have that, what you always wanted. This is called tantalizing, and it can really confuse you as to whether you should stay or not.

- It's true that what someone else thinks isn't always everything, but do you notice that you been warned or even begged by trusted family or a friend more often than not, not to continue in this relationship? Have these people seriously feared for your safety? It's not easy to listen to or even see, but there is a reason for these alerts.

- This one is really important: How are things whenever there is an emergency? Is this someone you feel safe turning to without 2nd thought? Do stress levels increase or max out on top of what is already going on? Do you always end up arguing or feeling even worse during this time of distress? Do they demand personal attention or promptness over whatever else is going on? Do you feel completely alone, emotionally?

- This one is really important too: No one is perfect or without some way they could be working on being a better person or partner in a relationship. You might know that if you have some issues you are working through yourself, then you've done whatever you needed to do to address that ... therapy, some resource, whatever. Has this person done the same? Do they always promise they will get help, if only you stay with them, and they either make weak attempts, dont follow through, or refuse to at all? This isn't fair. And it only means the cycle will continue. Until you have hit rock bottom.

- If you notice that issues you already struggled with (anxiety or depression for example) are only made worse and brought to the lowest points while with this person, or if their questioning or tactics have brought you to your knees in emotional suffering or a breakdown, and this happens over and over ... and over again, then things are far too extreme.

The bottom line is: Love is about visible actions, not just words. Someone who truly cares about you & loves you, will always respect & comply with whatever it is you truly need in order to be a healthy person - not only on their terms, but on yours, because no one knows what you need better than you do. Even if this means the two of you are not working out. They should have concerns about their own health & well-being too and should be proactive about that along with you. Someone with a better grip on reality wouldn't let this type of situation continue either. Leaving doesn't mean you didn't love them and give every ounce you had. The fact that there is abuse doesn't mean they don't have a good side or that you are "misjudging" them. It's true relationships take some work sometimes, but shouldn't be at the harmful sacrifice of your being or health til it's depleted & you are left a shell. Being in a relationship of any kind of lifestyle or dynamic is *always* your own consent & everyone has the right to true love, peace and personal boundaries to be respected. No is no. Enough is enough. Goodbye is goodbye. This was way more than I intended to say, but couldn't find a way to leave out any of these points. I really hope anyone out there who is currently in one of these situations will reach their moment of true and lasting clarity, once and for all... asap. It's never too late.

Wow, just wow.

Brilliant.

Thank you.

[Girl_On_Fire]

Originally Posted by gotoseagrl

Yikes, this is a lot to read. This is so touchy, and not easy for me to step forward with. But I felt the need to say something. I wanted to address emotional/psychological aspect of abuse specifically. The kind that is harder to see from the outside because the wounds & scars are all internal and behind closed doors. The worst kind is sometimes that which develops over time, and has a subtlety to it that is hard to describe. It can keep you in a constant state of severe confusion, even after it's over. Sometimes this can be the most difficult to fully recognize, escape & recover from. It might take you 10+ times trying. That alone is a big sign.

Everyone's situation, limitations & ability to cope & be healthy before something becomes abusive to that particular person, varies. Things I have learned to be possible warning signs, speaking from a combination of personal experience, observation of others, and research (I am making up the examples):

- A lot of times things are amazing in the beginning. But that's only the good side of the passion. Little hostilities start to happen, sometimes very small ... such as "You were away 3 hours instead of 2?" At first it might seem like a really small discrepancy, *but it doesn't sit right with you*. You feel a heavy, negative feeling inside. But your connection with this person is otherwise amazing & you already formed the attachment. So, it passes & you move on.

- Questioning becomes more intense. "Where were you? What were you doing? With who? Why that person? What did they say?" or "You went to the store? Why at this hour? What did you get? What are you going to do with it? But you never usually get that kind." Excessive questioning & speculation feels more like probing than just normal conversation or curiosity. You end up dreading going anywhere or doing anything because you know 20 questions will immediately follow.

- You start having arguments or fights. They are emotionally vicious. That person might not use foul language or even raise a voice. But what they say or ask (and usually repeatedly) feels like a cut from a knife. You notice you are always having to feel defensive whenever there is a conflict. And then you feel extremely hurt after. If you already had trust issues, it might take you a significant amount of time to even be able to bring yourself close to them again. So, you start to really dread having conflicts - or even conversations that could potentially lead to a conflict - with this person, because you know how it will go, how bad it will hurt, how high your anxiety/stress levels will rise.

- You might start to notice that after having such an intense relationship with this person, and a formed emotional dependency, that you start to develop some of their same bad habits. Such as wondering where they are after so many hours, why they are doing x,y,z ... etc. You start questioning a lot yourself.

- You start feeling overwhelmingly that the conflicts & super high stress levels are way too frequent, way too extreme & way too repetitive. You start feeling the need to leave and break it off. You might even do that. But you might either always end up going back - after a lot of harassment and persuasion - or you can't find the courage to actually leave because in your mind & heart you desperately try to rationalize by clinging to the good moments & good qualities of this person. Those little bits are all you have to hang onto in order to survive a lot of times. Memories that come & go quickly, future fantasies (the life you two have planned out), not-yet-fulfilled promises, unachieved goals. Those become like your air to breathe.

There is so, so much I can say. But to try to sum it up, it might be wise to keep in mind that any of the following could possibly indicate that something is wrong:

- If you have any old relationships to compare this one to, think about it. Were the old ones generally pretty good & felt "normal", even if they didn't work out for some non-abusive reason ... did not damage or decrease your health?

- In the relationship, do you notice you do or say or feel things that you know you normally don't with others, or didn't in past relationships? Do you feel the conflicts bring out behaviors in you that aren't healthy or weren't there before? Do they bring out the worst in you? This can only contribute to the cycle of abuse. And your partner can also use these weaknesses of yours against you, which also fuels the cycle.

- Do the conflicts *always* (99.9% of the time) have the same cycle: let's say something has hurt you, you either withdraw from fear & avoid confrontation, or you get the courage to bring it up to your partner. An argument starts because your partner, of course, disagrees/denies/minimizes your feelings. You react, you are upset. They use your reaction against you and quickly assume the victim role. And if they have any kind of reaction of their own, that gets blamed on you too.

** I'd like to note here that sometimes the type of person who tries to claim they are always the calm one, they rarely call you names, etc... this can be one of the most long-lasting abusive tactics, because this person can & will always try to use this as a weapon ... as a reason to prosecute you for any real true emotional reactions you have to the pain. They will always say you are the one overreacting, you are the irrational one, always question why you
are so upset, etc. And that in turn makes you even more upset and/or need to withdraw. It can be a true mind game.

- Do they build you up and then break you down in a contradicting way? When things are fine and on their terms, they might acknowledge that they know you'd never do x,y,z or that you're not that type of person, that they trust you 100% ... that it's just "old relationship baggage" (which no one should have to eternally suffer for). But as soon as the switch flips, they are accusing you of that very thing, calling you out of your character. Or if you did find the courage to leave, do they say and do anything to try to come after you, tear you down, attack, suffocate, harass, violate you? But you know if you gave into them, 5 minutes later they'd be telling you how much they love you & you're the only one for them, how they only want what's best for you (which is always them, according to them) etc. This is like *conditional* "love", where you will only be truly "loved" if you agree to what their primary need is (which is their attachment to you), otherwise you are unfaithful, dishonest, sleezy, a fake, heartless, etc. etc. etc. anything else they can think of that is the furthest from true.

- When it comes to important things, always saying they will, yet rarely ever actually do. Lack of consistency.

- Do they use parts of your own most personal, sensitive past against you, as a weapon when you are fighting or they are hurt? In a conflict or random moment of paranoia, you notice they always resort to bringing up some painful part of your life & throw it in your face, especially when it has nothing to do with the current situation.

- How do they treat you about your exes or new people who have come into your life? Do they ban you from having any contact with an ex because they insist that just because you were with someone in the past, you are bound to want to be with them again or vice versa, even if you & that person are genuinely just friends. If you happen to make a new non-threatening friend, do you immediately get the 3rd degree about what that friend's intentions are, what are their secret motives for wanting to be your friend, etc?

- Double standards ... is it always ok that they do x,y,z, and usually frequently, and you're expected to have no negative reaction to it, yet if you ever did even once by mistake or once in a blue moon, that is not acceptable and you endure hell for it?

- Do you develop new fears you didn't have in relationships before? Do you find that you can't do things or go places (even online) that you used to enjoy because you know they will immediately have something negative to say or ask? You know you will be accused, suspected, and that every little detail will be picked apart. This isn't normal. I believe you should have the trust from your partner that you give in return .. to go and do freely the simple things that bring you positivity and be part of a community as the individual you are without fear, even within a power exchange relationship.

- Do they use guilt or bribes to try to get you to stay? They might say that someone who really loved them would stay forever at any cost, no matter what ... that longevity of a relationship is above all. Or they might constantly dangle in your face promises of the future ... but what about this .. or if you just stay you will have that, what you always wanted. This is called tantalizing, and it can really confuse you as to whether you should stay or not.

- It's true that what someone else thinks isn't always everything, but do you notice that you been warned or even begged by trusted family or a friend more often than not, not to continue in this relationship? Have these people seriously feared for your safety? It's not easy to listen to or even see, but there is a reason for these alerts.

- This one is really important: How are things whenever there is an emergency? Is this someone you feel safe turning to without 2nd thought? Do stress levels increase or max out on top of what is already going on? Do you always end up arguing or feeling even worse during this time of distress? Do they demand personal attention or promptness over whatever else is going on? Do you feel completely alone, emotionally?

- This one is really important too: No one is perfect or without some way they could be working on being a better person or partner in a relationship. You might know that if you have some issues you are working through yourself, then you've done whatever you needed to do to address that ... therapy, some resource, whatever. Has this person done the same? Do they always promise they will get help, if only you stay with them, and they either make weak attempts, dont follow through, or refuse to at all? This isn't fair. And it only means the cycle will continue. Until you have hit rock bottom.

- If you notice that issues you already struggled with (anxiety or depression for example) are only made worse and brought to the lowest points while with this person, or if their questioning or tactics have brought you to your knees in emotional suffering or a breakdown, and this happens over and over ... and over again, then things are far too extreme.

The bottom line is: Love is about visible actions, not just words. Someone who truly cares about you & loves you, will always respect & comply with whatever it is you truly need in order to be a healthy person - not only on their terms, but on yours, because no one knows what you need better than you do. Even if this means the two of you are not working out. They should have concerns about their own health & well-being too and should be proactive about that along with you. Someone with a better grip on reality wouldn't let this type of situation continue either. Leaving doesn't mean you didn't love them and give every ounce you had. The fact that there is abuse doesn't mean they don't have a good side or that you are "misjudging" them. It's true relationships take some work sometimes, but shouldn't be at the harmful sacrifice of your being or health til it's depleted & you are left a shell. Being in a relationship of any kind of lifestyle or dynamic is *always* your own consent & everyone has the right to true love, peace and personal boundaries to be respected. No is no. Enough is enough. Goodbye is goodbye. This was way more than I intended to say, but couldn't find a way to leave out any of these points. I really hope anyone out there who is currently in one of these situations will reach their moment of true and lasting clarity, once and for all... asap. It's never too late.

I second the "Wow". This is incredible. It breaks the warning signs of an emotionally abusive relationship down so clearly. Thank you so much for this.

[TruTexan]

Thank you Gotoseagrl, I appreciate your post very much. I sat and read it several times lastnight and have had much to ponder about. It hit me hard in my thought processes in many many ways. Thanks for your post and comments.