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Old 09-16-2012, 12:41 PM   #1
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Default Showing scars: what are your relationship fears?

This thread is intended for self-reflection and thinking about relationships.

What scars do you have from old relationships that play out in your newer ones?

Do you have any insecurities from things that have happened in your past that you have to work to overcome now?

How do you deal with these issues to make sure they don't wreak havoc on your current or future relationships? How do you make your [potential or real] partner aware of your baggage?

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Old 09-16-2012, 12:47 PM   #2
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Old 09-16-2012, 01:07 PM   #3
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Over and over ... I fall for women who seem completely engaged, talk about marriage, how where we are "going" seems inevitable ... I hold back a little but go ahead and discuss it. I fall head over heels - then I sense them pulling away and get freaked out, anxious. They sense this anxiety, and pull away or break up based on it. All this after I have *never* brought up or allowed us to fixate on a future that's fun to think about but way too early to plan - after she is talking about how I'll "of course, end up baby X's step-dad" - and "well, you have to stop smoking near the house now so it will be okay by fall" -

I realize they are probably on the rebound, not in control of their own mouth ... or I'm supposed to pull away rather than stay present. But it's a drag. The last one I truly believe was a genuine match, we were so compatible - but she assumed a lot, plugged in her own doubts with her own answers rather than talk to me. I would have been happy to stop seeing each other every day. There are lots of adjustments I would have made to keep a promising future alive.

So - my scars are abandonment issues. I am self-contained, solid, my feet on the ground - until I start to feel slippage. Maybe she's not slipping away at all, but when I sense it, my own steadiness, part of who I am, begins to slip and it's palpable, thus creating even more doubt.
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Old 09-16-2012, 01:12 PM   #4
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I've been fortunate that I've had relatively healthy partners, save a couple. I think overall, I've become much healthier and thus more able to attract someone healthy, too. So that's the good news.

The "bad" news: I worry about losing my independence and my ability to think for myself. I worked so hard to get that back, that I'm afraid to get into another relationship and lose that. I don't think I compromise well.

I'm afraid of becoming somone's "half", like "Someone and partner", instead of a full person on my own. I'm afraid of always being referred to in context to my partner.

I'm also afraid of being found lacking in the intimacy department (I mean physical, as well as emotional). I don't enjoy a lot of activities that are somewhat "standard" (if that's the right word). An intimate relationship might just be too much. I hope not, though.
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Old 09-16-2012, 01:24 PM   #5
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I'm pretty secure in the front side of the relationship. I tend to attract the type of person I am attracted to, so I think that means I'm putting the right things out into the world.

I can fall fast, but I don't think there's anything wrong with that. As long as I don't act fast! (learned that one the hard way)

I have trusted the wrong people, but I'm lucky in that it doesn't keep me from trusting new ones. I just learned not to ignore that gut feeling I have when something just isn't right. And I start to scrutinize a lot sooner than I used to.

My relationships have typically been relatively long and stable, but my marriage scarred me a lot. My trust was broken over and over. My wife didn't love me, and I had to be the one to point that out; realistically, it was probably years after she actually stopped, if she ever did in the first place. It made me feel like an object of convenience - why would you stay with someone you don't love?

I heard a song today that reminded me of how that place felt. I am glad I'm out, and I hope it won't affect my love life in the future. But that's my scar.
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Old 09-16-2012, 01:35 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by guihong View Post
I've been fortunate that I've had relatively healthy partners, save a couple. I think overall, I've become much healthier and thus more able to attract someone healthy, too. So that's the good news.

The "bad" news: I worry about losing my independence and my ability to think for myself. I worked so hard to get that back, that I'm afraid to get into another relationship and lose that. I don't think I compromise well.

I'm afraid of becoming somone's "half", like "Someone and partner", instead of a full person on my own. I'm afraid of always being referred to in context to my partner.

I'm also afraid of being found lacking in the intimacy department (I mean physical, as well as emotional). I don't enjoy a lot of activities that are somewhat "standard" (if that's the right word). An intimate relationship might just be too much. I hope not, though.
It sounds to me like you are afraid of losing your identity, of compromising too much. Why do you think that is?

I'm a believer that there is someone out there for everyone. You just have to be open, have realistic expectations, accept and love yourself. Maybe I'm an optimist, but I think that being realistic, but positively so, is what makes successful people. So keep up your hope. You deserve someone who is just right for you.
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Old 09-16-2012, 01:52 PM   #7
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Wow, that's hard. Makes me kinda of glad I was an ugly kid.

I do think that's a problem a lot of feminine women face. Society teaches us that our worth increases as people are attracted to us physically. It's bullshit, and I hope mothers aren't putting that crap in their daughter's heads these days. Too bad about the ones on Toddlers & Tiaras.
I was actually going to delete my comment because I think it came across wrong. You're right about Toddlers and Tiaras and the way parents sexualize and objectify their own daughters is sad.
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Old 09-16-2012, 02:07 PM   #8
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My biggest fear is losing my independence and that's hard for me to swallow. I lost so much of who I am in my last relationship and didn't realize it until it was over. I have never let myself do that in any relationship. I was always the strong independent one that had a hard time with change, but learned to compromise. I just don't know what happened to me in the last relationship.

Cleaning out my head and moving on has taken a few years, but I've done it. I know the next step would be dating again, but it scares me. I think someone would have to show an interest in me before I did them in order for me to open up a little more. I do know should there ever be a next relationship that it will be my last. I will take it slow and really get to know the person. If they can't move slowly then I'm not the person for them.

Also, I have one more move to make, to make yet another change in my life and it'll be my last move. So, if someone doesn't want to be in my space, I'm not the person for them. I can be stubborn because I've bent so much in the past for others. This time around, it'll be about where I want to be and whoever wants to travel with me.

Lastly, I know I have triggers that set me off, but would tell someone if they've touched on one of them, so it wouldn't happen again. I know my feelings seem to get hurt more easily nowadays.

Caring around old baggage is also a fear. What if a person interested in me, can't let go of old baggage and continues to bring it up? I've tried to work through all of my old baggage and just would like a fresh start.

So much to consider when relationships scare you or perhaps it's failure that's scary.
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Old 09-16-2012, 02:09 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Angeltoes View Post
I was actually going to delete my comment because I think it came across wrong. You're right about Toddlers and Tiaras and the way parents sexualize and objectify their own daughters is sad.
I don't know how you meant it, but I think it's a very valid point, especially for femmes.

I was reading another thread about attraction and a butch talked about how much they liked a femme's long hair, and I'm thinking I used to be a short-haired femme when I was younger. In the last few years I grew it out just to see how I'd look with it. People would try to tell me I wasn't really femme. My short hair didn't match their idea of "femme". I was just as feminine (maybe more so) then as I am now, but my attractiveness was minimized in their eyes because they consider long hair "feminine". My short hair was super cute, but it was hard not to internalize that sense of being unattractive.

I see a lot of femmes and hetero women who, particularly as they age, strive for their younger or skinnier looks to the point of taking extreme measures, and it makes me sad. Because these are strong, smart, beautiful women who are measuring themselves against someone else's standard. I with there was a way to help people see their own beauty.
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Old 09-17-2012, 02:23 AM   #10
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My scar use to be distrust in people. But I have grown better at trusting others.
I Am Blessed to be good friends with my exes, If that helps to shed some light on my growth.

My scar now is expectation of proper actions in an acceptable time period.
Good old impatience.
Not in the woman wanting to be with me Or in moving in with me.
That doesnt happen right away, I always try to pick femmes who dont want to move in until a year has passed by at least.

My insecurity is not wanting to have my time wasted.
The way that I try not to let that interfere with my relationships, Is combined with how I let any femme interested in me know about my insecurities.
I had such a military attitude about code of conduct and how a person should act and behave in the manner that they say that they do, And not portray characters to me, Or pretend to be someone that they are not.

I was hurting myself alot then, and making myself weaker and less desireable with by becoming full of distrust, anger and impatience.
And in turn I wasnt respecting the woman that I was with.
We were just two good people who shouldnt be together. Not evil or mean women.

I ask a tremendous amount of questions to a woman that has interest in me, or I in her. That is part of my growth.

I was attracting the wrong type of femme for me.
So, In order to break that cycle,

I made a list of what is acceptable and what isnt acceptable for My life.
And then I ask those questions right away.
And if something doesnt match,
I stop myself Or I stop her from the pursuit of romantic interest.

I also did this so that I would not have the baggage of anger or distrust by Me, carrying over into my new relationship.

So, I make sure that Im honest with any femme that likes me romantically.
I keep the communication going by letting her ask me any question that she wants.
And then she decides if she can handle my baggage of impatience.
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Old 09-17-2012, 05:18 AM   #11
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Smile I don't trust myself...

I don't trust myself, and I'm terrified of being publicly embarrassed. These issues are holdover from high school and university/grad school. I had a few bad relationships and false friendships, plus I was intelligent, but people skills?...Not so much. I called it the foot in mouth syndrome... I also still had no clue about my sexuality.

When I meet someone I start double guessing myself, did that sound stupid? Was that silly to say? Was it rude? Am I boring them? What do I say next?? Will they think my interest in X is weird? Am I talking too much about myself? They are probably not interested anyway... I get so wrapped up in these doubts, I end up sabotaging myself. Or running away.

I've been working on this, and I have gotten better. A few more years, and working in jobs where I have to talk with various people have helped. But still, when I meet someone I'm really attracted to my old foot in mouth syndrome tends to come back... and the doubts. It's still a work in progress.
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Old 09-17-2012, 07:36 AM   #12
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I always feel like running from relationships.
My problem is I want so much from it and get so disappointed when not even
half of it comes true.
Yes; people start by being attentive and loving and you feel the intimacy growing.
Then I become their caregiver. The one to wake them for work, cook the meals, clean the house, push sexual intimacy, and take care of all of their needs and not getting the same in return.
I have been told I give what I am wanting for myself and get disappointed when the partner doesn't come through for me and then blame them when most likely it is me and my expetations of what a relationship should be.
I do take most of the blame in a break up I am not someone who says it is all the other persons fault. Maybe I am looking for something that just can't be in a long run of a partnership.

I think I should try to stay on a friendship level and if there are benefits that would be a plus.
I may be too needy for most.
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Old 09-17-2012, 09:17 AM   #13
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So, how do you keep these things from impacting your current or future relationships?

What do you work on to make sure you aren't painting someone with someone else's brush? (bad metaphor, but I can't think of any good way to say it)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For me, my scar equates more to a fear I have, which probably affects my behavior in ways I don't realize. Maybe I am always waiting for that moment when the other shoe drops. I know I am more cautious than I used to be.

I can be needy sometimes and push people away at others. I often wonder what it is that makes me react differently at different times. I don't trust other people to be able to handle my worst emotions or my pain, so I don't often share those things (but I'm working on it). I have no idea where that scar lies, but I'm sure there must be one there.


So these days, I work hard to be more rational. It's not always easy. I recognize that if someone stops loving me, there's probably nothing I can do to prevent that from happening, so I just have to enjoy the moments where I know I am loved. We never know what the future holds. Que sera, sera... right?

Sometimes easier said than done.
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Old 09-17-2012, 09:32 AM   #14
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fear of .......

abandonment
dis respectfulness on our relationship
lack of honesty
hidden agendas
lack of communication
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If you get a chance take it... if it changes your life let it.
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Old 09-17-2012, 10:03 AM   #15
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Years ago I hired an emotional baggage porter and that has helped a lot. I let him do the heavy lifting so I'm free to do me.

I don't know that I can call my issue a scar, really, but I think it might scar and scare others. When I speak about it, perhaps because I'm femme, or particularly because I'm femme, I've actually had people say things akin to, "Wow, that's such a guy thing to say, think, feel, act." The simple truth is, I don't think I'm wired for the long haul. I don't foster fantasies about finding my one and only and spending the rest of our lives together. I don't think I want that. I'm okay with falling in love with someone even as I understand that it will likely be a finite thing. I learn from every relationship I have, each adds its threads to my tapestry and then I move on. I don't mean that to sound as scavengeresque as it might. Yes, growing with someone is a lovely thing. It can strenghten and deepen the relationship. I just don't want to do it for years and years with the same person. At least at this point in my life, that idea bores the fuck out of me. Does that make me seem callous, heartless, pity worthy? I don't know. While I think there's definitely something to be said for the whole "leave 'em wanting more" philosophy, it's neither my ambition or intent to leave forlorn lovers in my wake. I'm always up front about my feelings and were they to be honest about it, none of my exes would ever be able to say they didn't know my feelings on the topic. I truly believe I am a serial monogamist. After each parting I take time for myself because I also really dig being single for stretches.

Perhaps this will change in years to come, but right now I cannot imagine it.
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Old 09-17-2012, 10:42 AM   #16
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Years ago I hired an emotional baggage porter and that has helped a lot. I let him do the heavy lifting so I'm free to do me.

I don't know that I can call my issue a scar, really, but I think it might scar and scare others. When I speak about it, perhaps because I'm femme, or particularly because I'm femme, I've actually had people say things akin to, "Wow, that's such a guy thing to say, think, feel, act." The simple truth is, I don't think I'm wired for the long haul. I don't foster fantasies about finding my one and only and spending the rest of our lives together. I don't think I want that. I'm okay with falling in love with someone even as I understand that it will likely be a finite thing. I learn from every relationship I have, each adds its threads to my tapestry and then I move on. I don't mean that to sound as scavengeresque as it might. Yes, growing with someone is a lovely thing. It can strenghten and deepen the relationship. I just don't want to do it for years and years with the same person. At least at this point in my life, that idea bores the fuck out of me. Does that make me seem callous, heartless, pity worthy? I don't know. While I think there's definitely something to be said for the whole "leave 'em wanting more" philosophy, it's neither my ambition or intent to leave forlorn lovers in my wake. I'm always up front about my feelings and were they to be honest about it, none of my exes would ever be able to say they didn't know my feelings on the topic. I truly believe I am a serial monogamist. After each parting I take time for myself because I also really dig being single for stretches.

Perhaps this will change in years to come, but right now I cannot imagine it.
I really appreciate that you're honest and upfront because your comment brings to mind one of my fears which is feeling unwanted, as if I'm an intrusion or as if I'm just temporary in hys life and hy knows it. As others have said, I too am needy – no joking. I think even a few people here can attest to that, but I'm also painfully upfront about myself. I don't want to hear, 'you have your friends and I have mine' or 'I need lots of space' because I don't and I don't want to be left wanting more unless it's in the bedroom and just for a little while. I want as much as hy is capable giving and that has to mean sweeping me off my feet and making me feel like the center of hys world. Or at least that our relationship is leading that way. It's much too much for some. I'm intense, ridiculously romantic and very sensitive and if ever someone wants to be with me that person is going to have to welcome that. I'm sure there is a scar that causes me to be the way I am but I'm not aware of it's origin.

Part of me wishes I could be tougher, mentally. I think I'd be much happier if I could not need so much. But it's not going to happen because I'm just not wired that way.
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Old 09-17-2012, 10:44 AM   #17
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Relationship fears?

None. If I had fears I wouldn't get into a relationship.

What I have learned over the years is this : not all people are compatibile.
If it smells like shit, guess what...

There is no point in bringing past crap into your current relationship, everyone suffers.
Let go and let live.
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Old 09-17-2012, 12:13 PM   #18
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I don't feel I have any real relationship fears other than the normal doubts when one first is still getting to know one another

BUT

What I do have and need to continue to work on is that I sometimes don't like to share my personal space and self. It's odd. I am selfish with my space and time. It isn't that I don't want to or can't be open to sharing that space it is just a conscious effort to get there. Something that took me a very long time to become aware of. It was a lot easier to just blame it on being busy with my family or business but the fact is that is BS I am an amazing multi tasker and have plenty of time IF I choose to make the time.
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Old 09-17-2012, 12:20 PM   #19
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I don't feel I have any real relationship fears other than the normal doubts when one first is still getting to know one another

BUT

What I do have and need to continue to work on is that I sometimes don't like to share my personal space and self. It's odd. I am selfish with my space and time. It isn't that I don't want to or can't be open to sharing that space it is just a conscious effort to get there. Something that took me a very long time to become aware of. It was a lot easier to just blame it on being busy with my family or business but the fact is that is BS I am an amazing multi tasker and have plenty of time IF I choose to make the time.
I think that's what a lot of my stuff is about, too. I want my space, I want my life the way I want my life and if you can fit into that, great. If not, well, we'll have an issue. I very much come from a place of believing we should each have our own friends with whom we do things separately some times. It makes the time we spend together sweeter. I think it's healthy to have whole lives that can be brought to the table. I don't want to merge with you. We can amalgamize from time to time, but I still want to retain my own properties. I guess I'm mercurial.
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Old 09-17-2012, 12:29 PM   #20
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I think that's what a lot of my stuff is about, too. I want my space, I want my life the way I want my life and if you can fit into that, great. If not, well, we'll have an issue. I very much come from a place of believing we should each have our own friends with whom we do things separately some times. It makes the time we spend together sweeter. I think it's healthy to have whole lives that can be brought to the table. I don't want to merge with you. We can amalgamize from time to time, but I still want to retain my own properties. I guess I'm mercurial.
Beautifully put! I just don't feel the need to mesh spaces either. I want to maintain my own sense of self and space. I do believe this is possible with a like minded individual but definitely have grown and come to the point where I am absolutely not willing to accept anything but what I know I want and need. That might seem unreasonable to some and perhaps it is but it is one of my non negotiables.
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