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Old 01-08-2016, 03:40 AM   #1
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Default Living Apart, Together (LAT) A Support Thread

This thread is for those in or interested in living apart, together only

"Living apart, together
0ver two million Canadians, many 45/50 plus, are saying no to cohabitation and marriage"

(there will be a much higher figure on the new long form census now that it's recognized as a valid romantic partnership commitment)


"For many couples, moving in together is the key step that transitions them from a dating relationship to a long-term committed partnership. However, a small but growing minority of long-term couples in countries like the Britain, Sweden, and Canada are forgoing cohabitation entirely, preferring to keep their separate homes. This phenomenon is referred to as "living apart together," or LAT."

This getting reported in quite ages articles these days, happily. As people over a certain age with adult kids or near adult kids comsider the hard work of re-establishing yourself after divorce, and wanting to keep your independance while committing to another.

I'm really glad this is being recognized as a valid, loving and committed partnership. And many of my friends are in long term LATs.

For those who *would* find it ideal, what would be the dream set up?

I have two in mind myself...

Last edited by nycfem; 01-09-2016 at 02:32 PM. Reason: Clarification
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Old 01-08-2016, 04:35 AM   #2
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I seem to have trouble getting past the term, 'booty call 'when discussing this. I know some elder people who were better living apart and still being married and committed to each other after being in the same house raising kids etc for years. To them it was more about keeping vows and not pulling out an axe like Jack in The Shining. The one benefit I can see to not moving in together is keeping that infant relationship feeling of always wanting to be together going longer. That lusting thing. But in my humble opinion, a relationship like that isn't capable of moving forward past a certain point. In the other case of having lived together first then deciding to Lat, to me that just cries we want the sex, but we don't like your living habits. Hence the term booty call. Which leads eventually to the friend zone if one or both parties decide they don't want the intimacy anymore. I guess maybe it depends on whether you are in the canoe with both feet or half in seeing if the other person will capsize you.
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Old 01-08-2016, 06:14 AM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake View Post
"Living apart, together
0ver two million Canadians, many 45/50 plus, are saying no to cohabitation and marriage"

(there will be a much higher figure on the new long form census now that it's recognized as a valid romantic partnership commitment)


"For many couples, moving in together is the key step that transitions them from a dating relationship to a long-term committed partnership. However, a small but growing minority of long-term couples in countries like the Britain, Sweden, and Canada are forgoing cohabitation entirely, preferring to keep their separate homes. This phenomenon is referred to as "living apart together," or LAT."

This getting reported in quite ages articles these days, happily. As people over a certain age with adult kids or near adult kids comsider the hard work of re-establishing yourself after divorce, and wanting to keep your independance while committing to another.

I'm really glad this is being recognized as a valid, loving and committed partnership. And many of my friends are in long term LATs.

For those who *would* find it ideal, what would be the dream set up?

I have two in mind myself...
My dad and stepmom did this for around 30 years before she passed. It was ideal for both of them. They each had their own space so there were no arguments about who was too neat or messy and they lived close to one another so she would cook for him and he'd fix her broken stuff. She didn't want any pets and my dad had a Chow, who are very possessive of one owner, so that worked out well too. They were very stereotypical except for the separate households.

I don't spend much time thinking about the 'ideal' set up but I do like this arrangement. At first, they lived a few blocks from one another and then they moved to an area where they could each have their own abode two doors down from one another. I think that might work best for me; within walking distance but not up my ass.
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Old 01-08-2016, 06:30 AM   #4
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I thought I was atypical in liking this living situation. Don't get me wrong, I don't like sleeping alone all the time. But having your own space has its merits...

I'm with the Canadians!
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Old 01-08-2016, 02:18 PM   #5
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Thanks for starting this thread, ICC.

I've decided living apart is the only way for me.

As I've written elsewhere on the planet, my dream scenario is for us to live on different sides of the park, lake, mountain, or city. I'm at my place for a few days, we're at hys place for a few days, then we're off on our own for a few days. Hy can keep some of hys things at my place to make things easier. This arrangement would be in a monogamous and exclusive relationship. We just wouldn't live together.

I've had one real-time relationship where this has worked well. A butch I was seeing lived down the street. We broke up for other reasons. I have also met people online who were not interested in meeting if living together wasn't an option at some point. I'm cool with that. I like people who know what will and will not work for them.

And for me, it has nothing to do with absence making the heart grow fonder. It's just what I need to feel good about myself.

I know this way of living isn't for everyone, but it works for me.
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Old 01-08-2016, 07:41 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by Triffid View Post
I seem to have trouble getting past the term, 'booty call 'when discussing this. I know some elder people who were better living apart and still being married and committed to each other after being in the same house raising kids etc for years. To them it was more about keeping vows and not pulling out an axe like Jack in The Shining. The one benefit I can see to not moving in together is keeping that infant relationship feeling of always wanting to be together going longer. That lusting thing. But in my humble opinion, a relationship like that isn't capable of moving forward past a certain point. In the other case of having lived together first then deciding to Lat, to me that just cries we want the sex, but we don't like your living habits. Hence the term booty call. Which leads eventually to the friend zone if one or both parties decide they don't want the intimacy anymore. I guess maybe it depends on whether you are in the canoe with both feet or half in seeing if the other person will capsize you.
Sorry you are having trouble... If you are someone INTO the dynamic, what would be your ideal set up?

If you aren't there are actually oodles of places to say that it's not a real committed relationship or there's something lacking. Maybe you can go have that particular conversation there?
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Old 01-08-2016, 08:43 PM   #7
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Personally, I like the idea. I have a lot of ocd tendencies and I like my stuff a certain way. Plus, let's face it, no matter how much you love someone, sometimes you need some time apart. When I was with my last girlfriend, I would leave for a week at a time just to get some destress time. Of course, she wasn't happy about it. I had suggested that we stop living together and she'd absolutely refused. I think if we had not lived together, we would have been much happier. We still would have split up, but I think it would have lasted longer and not had so much drama at the end.
Perfect scenario for me: A long term mostly monogamous relationship with someone who I would consider to be my best friend, living a few miles or so apart. (Mostly monogamous for me means monogamous with some negotiable freaky shit on the side. But, that's another subject.)
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Old 01-08-2016, 08:54 PM   #8
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Well, I've always enjoyed long term relationships in my 20s in the same neighbourhood as myself. I never had to live with anyone because they were within walking distance. I could see them every day if I wanted and often did. But never spent every night with them. I always had my own room in a shared house with friends to return to.

It was only when I moved to dyke reslationships that the expectation to live together no matter what came into play.

My flatmate now is married, has been for 8 years. Her wife lives within 20 min walking distance. They spend 5 out of seven nights together. Neither have a car.

Ideally, I'd like to live in the same apartment building, but different floor.
They have their place the way they like, set to it as they see fit. I do the same for mine. I'm not their house wife, they aren't responsible for fixing stuff in my flat or cooking for me.

But we are close enough to pop over for meals, sleep overs, coffee, and keeping seperate space isn't a pain of tracking back and forth. I'm not on the same floor so I don't have to worry I don't have me space where I can't go to the corner store withut her making a mental note of it or can ask me who my friend was at my door at 10pm last night. I like having my girl mates over for cocktails. I don't like people keeping tabs on me when I do or not. I like my me time to be mine and not for the scrutiny of partners. Way too many controlling partners in my past.

I also wouldn't mind if they had a house in the country, maybe up to 90 minutes away. That's way we both have a vacation home from our lives best lived. I have long weekends in the woods, she has long weekends of world cuisine, busy sidewalk cafes, burlesque, alternative markets, queer events, alternative cinema, museums and lectures. A city break of big urban fayre.
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Old 01-08-2016, 09:35 PM   #9
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I personally don't think it has anything to do with monogamy or not. I'm personally happy with monogamy (I was married monogamously), monogamish (negotiated exceptions - this has been the majority of my long term relationships), being in a polyfidelity triad (all sexually active with each other and no one else. Been in two of these and I enjoyed them), or being in a polyamorous relationship where I am the primary partner (bit tough for me but I think with the right person I could negotiate it).

What is important to me is my space. My feeling of having a place where I don't have to look after someone, I don't have to oblige anyone, my rules are what govern my space, no one watches my every move from brushing my teeth to what I eat for dinner, and I can ask anyone to leave. Or have a friend or family member over at any time. I don't have to ask if I can put a painting up.

Autonomy. It's so incredibly important to me. I cherish it. My space is a reflexion of this.

Last edited by imperfect_cupcake; 01-08-2016 at 09:38 PM.
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Old 01-08-2016, 09:55 PM   #10
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I love living with my wife, but should I ever be single I would never live with anyone again.

I love my alone time...love having everything in it's place...love eating whatever the heck I choose for my meals. I know that after so many years living with an adult partner I might be lonely at times, but oh how lovely to have silence when I want silence.

Living in the same town would be fine, but I would prefer next time for it to be 3-5 hours distance so time together would need to be planned.

I bet you're surprised!
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Old 01-09-2016, 01:50 AM   #11
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I would like to live in the same house but maintain different rooms. I think being able to have alone time regularly is healthy for me, but I don't want two different houses for financial and familial reasons. I'd rather us not maintain two different rents or mortgages in the same city. And the familial reason is that I might want kids in the future, so that necessitates living in the same home.
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Old 01-09-2016, 04:55 AM   #12
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Of course. If you are running a farm together or you both love raising and caring for rescue dogs or you want to raise kids (though my parents did it separately and most of my friends do as well) and cohabitation is wanted.

many people have their own room in a larger house. Their own den or craft room.

I can afford my own place. I'll share with flat mates till I can. All I want is a little apartment of my own. The mortgage for that is very reasonable where I live. I'll even be happy wth a studio apt if it's set up exactly as I like. My friends with kids who keep seperate homes have small two bedroom apartments, some with bunk beds.

If you want a four bedroom house, then no, two places isn't feasible.

But this is Living *Apart* in a committed relationship. Most of us who want LAT, have no desire to live in a big family home, nor any reason to. Or they are 65 and paid it off.

LAT sees being seperate as a non-negotiable. I'd rather pay an extra 300 a month for my own studio and be independant in a place I want to live than have a bigger house in a cheaper area and have to share my space.

These are not unreasonable for someone who *wants* and *desires* a LAT relationship.
And that's what I'm asking - for those who *want* an LAT - what kind of scenario would your ideal be.

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Old 01-09-2016, 06:07 AM   #13
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OK. I see maintaing separate living quarters within the same familial home as living apart but together, plus personally relevant to what I want as a 20-something looking to marry and have kids within a "spaced" relationship (as I call it.)

But I can see how that is different than what you are mentioning
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Old 01-09-2016, 07:00 AM   #14
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Like in the opening post, *most* (tho not all) people who desire LAT are 40+ and are not starting families. Most have been married once or have had at least one very long term committed live in relationship already. Many whom have kids, those kids are adults now or are at least past the point of baby sitter, and not looking for another parent for their kid.

Most people I know in their 20s and early 30s want to live with a partner. Most LATs that I personally know of are 40+, or they are 30+, don't want kids, and after trying to live with people romantically they find it doesn't work for them.

Living apart, together. Not living together with seperate personal space rooms. You still have most of the same issues LATs don't wish to deal with anymore.

So, back on topic...

If you do have an LAT, what things have you modified to help others take your relationship seriously? Public ceremony? Rings?

Or are you past giving a toss about what others may think although it's semi regularly annoying to explain.

What things about LAT that you are really happy and relieved abut that you think makes this kind of relationship more successful than previous ones with shared living?
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Old 01-09-2016, 07:03 AM   #15
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....My preference is living together based on the past...I loved the every day sharing , cuddling, being flirty and silly in the kitchen together ...though we had natural private times in the house as well...There is room enough when we could just be doing our own thing yet in the same dwelling....I have done both....Whatever works for people*S is the important thing....
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Old 01-09-2016, 07:06 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by Nattih View Post
OK. I see maintaing separate living quarters within the same familial home as living apart but together, plus personally relevant to what I want as a 20-something looking to marry and have kids within a "spaced" relationship (as I call it.)

But I can see how that is different than what you are mentioning
I may have misunderstood- you said room. But now you say living quarters...

If you lived in a seperate suite with your own kitchen and bathroom and entrance in a multi dwelling home, then yes, I would consider that LAT - you'd have you r own bills and your own address and your own taxes.

I miss took having your own rooms as in "I have my own bedroom" or some other personal space room. Please excuse if you meant seperate living quarters (seperate suite).
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Old 01-09-2016, 07:11 AM   #17
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Originally Posted by betruetoyoursoul View Post
....My preference is living together based on the past...I loved the every day sharing , cuddling, being flirty and silly in the kitchen together ...though we had natural private times in the house as well...There is room enough when we could just be doing our own thing yet in the same dwelling....I have done both....Whatever works for people*S is the important thing....

Thanks.

If you are interested in HAVING or HAVE an LAT, please join in.

If y u aren't, this thread will be swamped with the majority of non-LAT telling me their opinions on LAT and how it could never work for them. I didn't ask for people's opinions on LAT, I'm asking, very clearly for those interested to please chime in.

I'm just trying to find some like minded folk around LATs. thank you very much for understanding.
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Old 01-09-2016, 07:36 AM   #18
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Here is a new film, a documentary, being made by a friend of a friend.
It's called "Apartners" which I believe is also a new term for it. She says on her film site that 25% of all couples in North America have their own room (common) and that 10% of all couples in North America prefer to live apart (that's the old gayer stats no? Maybe more will come out!)

Anyway, here's a link to her film website

http://apartnersthemovie.com/HOME.html
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Old 01-09-2016, 09:26 AM   #19
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.... My humble apologies...

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Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake View Post
Thanks.

If you are interested in HAVING or HAVE an LAT, please join in.

If y u aren't, this thread will be swamped with the majority of non-LAT telling me their opinions on LAT and how it could never work for them. I didn't ask for people's opinions on LAT, I'm asking, very clearly for those interested to please chime in.

I'm just trying to find some like minded folk around LATs. thank you very much for understanding.
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Old 01-09-2016, 09:37 AM   #20
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I prefer living with my partner but while your dating rather it be the same town or Ldr's living apart is fine but at some point both people will want to take it to the next level at some point and living together just seems natural too me.
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