Breaking it down - describe the Femme that you are

[FemmeTastic]

I always knew I wasn't like the other girls when I grew up.

At age 6 I already knew I wasn't getting married ever, and never wanted to have children either, of course, at the time I believed that marrying is something I could only do with men. Things in my perception have changed since then, and I was very happy to say yes to my handsome butch love of my life last year As a little girl, against all hopes of my mother to not raise me stereotypically female, I preferred the dolls, the glitter and the dresses over the toy train, balls and pants. She had been raised to be a girly girl and hated it, and promised herself to not do that to her own daughter one day, but I ended up being the girliest girl you could imagine, entirely voluntarily.

At age 12 I happened to watch my first movie with Butch-Femme-dynamics, (Bound - has been a favorite ever since. You might wonder, how did I get my hands on that movie at age 12, well, I grew up in Colombia and went to visit my uncle, he and I wanted to watch a movie so we went to rent one. Medellín being the criminal city it was back then, all the video rentals were closed with bars, so you had to ask for a particular movie or a genre, and they would go and find it for you and hand it to you through the bars. We asked for a mafia or thief movie hahaha, and they gave us Bound) and not even knowing of the existence of the word lesbian, at the sight of the Femme I felt admiration and a feeling of "I want to be as beautiful as her" and at the sight of the Butch, I got red glowing cheeks and for the first time felt something like arousal.

At age 17 I bravely went to lesbian parties all by myself, dolled up and wearing high heels, only to be called hetty by the other guests. Over and over again. Sometimes being refused entrance to parties with the words "Sorry this is a lesbian party". At age 18 I made the decision to never change who I am, despite the exclusion within the lesbian community; I decided to be true to myself, which is being as feminine as it gets! I proudly continued to wear my dresses amongst the feminists who would condemn me for it, accusing me of "emulating the heteronormative ideal of beauty". And despite their judgment, I continued to be an active feminist, and didn't allow my sense of beauty to be manipulated, not from straight folks and certainly not from my own ranks.

I get a lump in my throat when someone speaks disparagingly of Butches and female masculinity, when the kind of humans that happens to be one of the most beautiful to me, is under attack, I hurt. I defend Butches in their absence when that happens, although I wouldn't have to, although I get offered a bitter pill of recognition, in the form of a "compliment": "You don't look gay at all, that's really cool, I mean, not like those masculine lesbians, that's so unattractive, who wants to walk around like that."

I'm the femme who despite the looks of men which I find to be encroaching and uncomfortable, doesn't downgrade how she styles herself. My makeup, my clothes, my hair, my gestures, my movements, they are all what the masses think is some sort of act to enchant men, when it is, in fact, the absolute opposite ... I do not like men, because Femme is my identity. Woman, in the traditional sense, is to me a female that sees herself in any way in relation and contrast to man. I don't. Men as a sex don't play a role in my life. I have a few male friends, but they aren't an energy I need. My sexuality, my lifestyle, my identity, my feelings, my acts and my thinking, do not incorporate men.
Genderwise I see myself not as the counterpart to man, but to Butch.
Therefore, to me, being Femme means to remain childless. I have a different form of femininity, motherhood does not belong to me. Please understand that I'm trying to explain my gender here, I am by no means saying that a mother can't be a Femme and viceversa. Not. at. all.

I see other Femmes as my sisters, as allies rather than competitors. I can rarely have friendships with Butches because they touch/move me on a sexual, intimate level. I naturally keep a distance from Butches with whom I'm not in a relationship, affair or flirting. I can recognize a Butch with just a glance. It's the way we look at each other when we meet by chance, it is a look that says everything, and makes me feel, even if only for a moment, at home. Such moments can nourish me for years, can comfort, soothe and heal me when once again I am being marginalized on a lesbian party with words such as "what is the barbie doing here? She lost?". Or if macho lesbians grab my butt. Or grab me against my will and press their body onto mine. These moments with Butches that are marked by so much appreciation and respect, help me to remember that we exist. Although we are rare.

I am a self-sufficient, strong person. I am emotionally, financially and mentally able to provide for myself. I don't need anybody to organize my move or to screw my shelves to the wall, or to work on my tax return or to make decisions for me. Only for the cruelty free removal of spiders, that's where I take all the help I can get
My appearance is at odds with the perception people outside the B/F-community have of me. I come out in an endless loop. Again and again and again do I have to explain why I don't want to have a husband, why is my partner so masculine, why do I not at least have a girlfriend as feminine as I am...
In a world that doesn't understand any of that, I continue to follow my own heart, my own core. Undeterred by all which is thrown in my face.
Being Latina doesn't help. I have literally no Latinx community left. Being a VERY feminine woman in Colombia is expected. When I show up with my Butch partner, the looks are unbearable and make me ashamed of my community, so I want to spare my partner their bigotry.
I like my Butch to be very masculine in the way she carries herself, I love a deep voice, and a very masculine clothing style. I love the contrast between her and me. I'm very territorial when it comes to my femininity and I love how my partner doesn't show the slightest interest in any of my girly things. Not my make-up, not my perfume, not my clothes, not my jewelry.
Before coming out to myself as a Femme in relation to Butch, I used to identify as lesbian and dated lesbian women, who were sometimes only slightly less feminine than I am. It always felt wrong, it often felt like I was doing something unnatural. For ages I believed I had a severe case of internalized homophobia, until I finally understood that I wasn't feeling natural, because I just simply hadn't allowed myself to really go for the kind of person that made my knees weak and took my breath away: Butches. Ever since I stopped dating androgynous and more feminine lesbians a couple of years ago, I feel like my inside and my outside finally match. I feel like the budding flower of my soul finally bloomed.

Other than that, I'm of course packed with a thousand different qualities good and bad, but they have little to do with the Femme aspects of me, and are more about the human aspects of me. So I'll save those for another thread and another occasion, especially given the length of this post.

Thank you beautiful Femmes, for sharing your stories, your emotions and experiences here, you're such a beautiful bunch of people, reading all those entries has made me feel so proud to be a part of the Femme tribe, has made me feel honored to be amongst such gorgeous human beings.

[gotoseagrl]

It's strange to see that in 6 years, not much has changed. A few things have evolved. The older I get, the more I am humbled by life and able to see what matters and what doesn't.

I have definitely grown even more into my femininity, as far as what it means to me. My hair is the longest it's been in almost 20 years, and while it can be a mess sometimes, I like how it feels. I enjoy wearing just enough makeup to feel "pretty" without overdoing it. I literally feel much better when my nails are painted. I live and breathe my passions, and always will. I can't survive when they are stifled. I'm even more of a painful, pathetic romantic than I was before.

I like to draw swirls and other doodles. I love floral patterns, lace, pearls and vintage colors & designs, in general. I am even more obsessed with vintage and bygone eras than I was before, and I didn't think that was possible. I guess this passion has also contributed to shaping my huge passion for homemaking and old school, old-fashioned values & dynamics, which only seems to grow stronger with time.

I've also had to accept that I have a darker side, that loves Halloween & spooky things, and a lighter side that still loves many things I did as a child - from crafts to games to Disneyland. There are many things I will never outgrow. I've also learned that I don't just love nature, I need it, in whichever way I can have it. Being at the beach or by water, taking a walk in the breeze near dusk.

I love the dichotomy of complementaries. I feel less inadequate about the fact that I am stone. It hasn't been easy to reach this point. And I have a special respect and admiration for those who are unwavering with this as well. Much like my admiration for butch, male ID and trans. Anya wrote beautifully about being a harbor, and I feel the same way.

Originally Posted by *Anya*

I am the femme that is a port in the storm for the butch that has the courage to go out into an unaccepting, unforgiving world to be exactly who and what they are

Originally Posted by gotoseagrl

good thread.

hmm. i am an old spirit and always have been. there is a sensitive place in my soul for things of the past. i am attracted to people older than myself. i consider myself very femme and am fiercely attracted to butches. i am very shy (writing this is a bit difficult, but i love the topic), reserved and introverted, though i will always find a way to be direct when i feel so compelled (see quote below). i am always very polite. i warm up easily to those with whom i effortlessly connect. i am usually "the quiet one." it is easier for me to express myself through writing or touching. in a bad situation i tend to draw into my shell at first. not a chatty type, but with the right people can spend endless hours going on and on. i am a homebody, but do love traveling. i am an over-thinker. i do believe in that space between self and thought. i am extremely passionate, but am generally not an extremist. i tend to admire passions of others whether i agree with them or not. i'm deeply moved when people are simply or unexpectedly kind and thoughtful. i am open to truth and exploration. i cannot do without honesty. i love learning. i embrace diversity. i think individuality is hot and blind conformity is not. i don't believe propriety is always necessary. i find it gratifying aligning to grids, but more aesthetically pleasing when they are broken (think David Carson & April Greiman). i am a hopeless romantic who has tried fighting it as a curse (lol). i am a marshmallow. i am very submissive and i like a clearly defined dynamic in a relationship. i love intimacy. i love partnership. i love exchanging "that glance" no matter the place. subtlety can be hot. so can raw straightforwardness. music and nature are my solace. beaches (any place with water), libraries and museums are my sanctuaries. i'm a nerd. i am hypersensitive to my environment. generally don't like big crowds or loud noises for an extreme amount of time. i love minimalism over extravagance. i love simple pleasures. i love laughing to tears. i tend to find extraordinary joy or peace in the smallest or most overlooked aspects of life. sometimes i just love darkness, silence and stillness. i am not a clothing label type of person. i'd rather shop for books or art over clothes. i don't wear fake nails, mine grow naturally. i stopped wearing makeup a few years ago but shaping eyebrows and keeping lips soft are a routine. i dress casually most of the time, but do enjoy dressing up whenever i have to. love boho style clothing and jewelry, though the only particular fashion i tend to adhere to is comfort. i love wearing long, comfy skirts, especially while treading on the shore or relaxing somewhere. i love dressing for fall & winter. i don't think i'll ever let my hair grow past my shoulders again. i prefer alternatives to fancy purses. i can be ready in less than an hour. i generally despise materialistic fluff. i don't like facades. i am a realist who loves to escape. i feel as though there are uncharted parts of my soul and can strongly sense things & places i've never truly experienced before. i am sincere.

[FemmeTastic]

Originally Posted by FemmeTastic

... I do not like men, because Femme is my identity.

Ugh, I have a typo here, and can't go back to edit my post. I meant to say:
"I do not want to make men like me, because Femme ist my identity."

I blame it on the almost full moon. Probably some sort of freudian slip...

[Kätzchen]

Originally Posted by Kätzchen

I am Femme

My femme identity is marked by death-defying logic that embraces a kaleidoscope of many social constructions.

I revel in all that I am able to learn about: by either listening to or reading up on a plethora of subjects.

The more I know, the better I feel. I learn in different ways – mostly I learn by observation – noticing complexity in the way people choose to behave or communicate and because of my ardent desire to understand as fully as possible, I’ve spent most of my life in the background – not desiring foreground recognition.

I don’t need anyone to validate who I am.

I am also a mother to two sons and while it would seem that the male side of the population longs to oppress and dress down female bodied human beings, I will abandon my love for being in the background and will come out of the woodwork, with an undeniable force, and return your egregious soul to the place it belongs.

I’m a lover.

I’m a fighter.

I’m quiet; yet when I have something to say, I make sure I am heard.

I’m loyal, but when I discover non-reciprocal, inequitable relationship processes, I will cut you out of my life.

I am a survivor of many forms of abuse. I believe in checking up on my own boundary systems – because I tend to welcome exploration and discovery of things I have no knowledge of. Mostly, I feel that the wiggle room I allow for my boundaries is managed judiciously.

If I choose to share my power with you, I expect you to honor my power, as I will yours.

I like to pamper myself - my indulgences, proclivities include: wearing makeup (or not), keeping my hair coiffed beautifully, keeping my hands and feet well taken care of, and sleeping as long as I feel led to do so because I do tend to require lots of sleep – especially if I have had to stay up for long periods of time to get my duties accomplished.

I am sensual. My appetite for having sex still exists – I crave closeness, reciprocal levels of intimacy – before my sexual fire can be lit and rage out of control. My Femme being is of a Queer orientation.

I desire and require your full attention.

I am intelligent and my range of intelligence will surprise you.

I have been my best friend and confidante for years now and I care deeply for myself and how I am treated.

I am sensitive.

I can also be heartless, cold, insensitive and unfeeling, when the occasion calls for me to be this way.

I am passionate.

I am filled with compassion.

I am filled with humility by my lack of perfection and ability to be perfect.

My Femme perfection is a potent elixir. Not everyone is able to tolerate the taste of me.

But I am loved. I do love. I am liked for who I am. I am also disliked and I am okay with that.

I’m an assessor and I evaluate and process at a relentless pace. I’m also known to shut down and wall out distraction, noise that keeps me from hearing what I need to hear.

I’m fearless.

I’m not afraid to die. I have died on numerous occasions. I choose to live in the present moment.

I am known to wonder and revel in that which is deliciously intoxicating.

I am artistic – I love to draw, sing, play music, listen to music, paint, create sculpture – I appreciate art in all the forms I have discovered and enjoyed.

I love to cook foods and prepare sumptuous meals.

I am reserved, sometimes shy. I am highly expressive under the right conditions. I am very communicative. I am expert in my field of communication.

I surprise myself and others.

I am a precious gift, unwrap me with care.

Adore me, cherish me, and recognize me as the Goddess I am, for I am: Femme.

Seven years ago, on May 28th @ approximately 4:30 in the afternoon, I wrote about the Femme in me. Everything I wrote about describes me in ways that still hold true today.

[Femmewench]

Casual mainly - I can dress up, but prefer that to mean lingerie rather than heels and hose. I don't like heels. I'm sandals or crocs or a pair of dancing ankle boots.
I'm a true Taurus - stubborn. I have an easier time saying "you're right" than "I'm wrong."
I'm a high school drop out which you'd never guess.
I'm an introvert for my energy and still somewhat shy. Much less so now than 20-30 years ago.
I can make myself blush completely unintentionally. Sometimes I truly don't hear the double entendre until after I've said it.
I blush fairly easily for 58. I used to think you outgrew blushing.
I'm not big on makeup. I've never used foundation as I'm just fine with my blemishes.
I have a very good memory. Being told to suck in my tummy when I was 10. Being told someone had a good dermatologist who could deal with the blotch near my eye in my 40s. Self image is a struggle, but not enough of one that I didn't ask the woman with the dermatologist why she thought I'd go to one.
I find confrontation uncomfortable (thanks mom.) To my detriment, I'd rather ignore some things for the sake of my comfort level. But there is a limit.
I'm unwilling to go to sleep angry.
I overanalyze.
I take people at face value and haven't been burned for it.
I've never wanted children and have had none, but I'm very nurturing.
I'm a masochist who has a low pain threshold, until I'm flying on endorphins.
I've fought my submissive side most of my life, but now am more open to it.
I bought Variations magazine in my teens and knew I was not nilla.
I knew at 14 I liked girls and knew that wasn't safe.
I'm the world's best represser as I rediscovered liking girls at 37.
I thought I was asexual in between which made no sense to me.
I actually asked a therapist if there was anything wrong with being happy I was a lesbian.
My first 4th of July with a beach picnic put on by a dyke motorcycle group I was told I wouldn't have been picked up to be taken to the beach (had to park far away) as I didn't look like a lesbian. Stupid woman - her, not me.
As soon as I came out, I went to the gay bookstore and bought them out. Persistent Desire was a godsend.
There are shiny things and squirrels in my world on a fairly frequent basis.
I love painted toenails and fingernails.
I'm adopted and pro-choice. Had I ever become pregnant, abortion would have been my option.
I have only ever been attracted to those on the butch end of the scale. It's the required energy to make parts of me come to life - and that's my grey matter which controls other parts as well.
I enjoy having the door held open for me and have no problem holding the door open for others. If I don't get an acknowledgment for doing so, I'm prone to telling them "you're welcome" in a loud tone of voice.
I said thank you to the man who stole my wallet because he let me go ahead of him in a turn style. Manners count.
I can swear and do, but mostly not where I can be overheard.
I kill spiders without hesitation and can kill cockroaches but prefer to let someone else do that if possible.
I'm learning to change the oil on my generator.
I love to cook for friends. and lovers. I love the sense of community that can generate. I love taking care of you and being taken care of.
There's more of course, but some things should be left to discover.
Oh - I don't have femme friends in r/t. They're few and far between. I'd like some though.

[girl_dee]

i am simple but complex (like a daisy)
i am wiser- learning from past mistakes
i love deeply when i do love
i love to take care of those i love
i don't trust easily
i don't always feel that i am enough "femme"
i adore my femme sisters
i appreciate the struggle of butches
i despise feeling like an invisible femme
i am an introvert, but once i am out there i tend to have a good time
i have learned to embrace my submissiveness as part of me rather than try to make it fit to someone else's idea of what i should be.

[Licious]

This is a great question.

I am casual usually, some of that is just practical, due to health issues. Always was a jeans and knit top kind of a gal anyway.

Prefer flat sandals to heels. Like tennies if doing a lot of walking. Heels very limited, again health is part of that. But only part.

I am a casual femme, a practical femme.

But in relationships, I am aware of feeling "girly" whatever that is.

I love my lipstick, eye makeup, I love perfume, I love my toenail polish.

Hands, short nails, clear polish, practical.

I admire a strong butch who can fix things. Sometimes I can fix something and it gives me satisfaction. But that's not so much my thing.

I like to pamper a sweetheart. Fuss over them a little, and make them feel comfortable.

I am not rigid on roles, but I knew early on that maybe I wasn't a typical androgynous gay woman. That was so popular when I came out. But I got tired of plaid, and in private I kept putting on makeup and sparkly toenail polish.

I was attracted to women who were decidedly more tomboyish than I was.

I do like the occasional dress and lingerie and when I date someone who appreciates my makeup and girly ways, it makes me so happy.

I was pleased when I ran across some sites for butch/femme people in the 2000s. I thought I was some kind of bizarre anomaly for a long time.

So, not a high femme, not a tomboy femme...I made up my own name for it.

Humorously: Suburban Housewife Femme. Yup.

[Nat]

I think maybe these days I don't feel like a femme anymore. I felt so solidly femme for a long while - even with my gender stuff which is sort of dual. But I cut my hair off a year ago and I feel weird lately if I wear something that feels too girly and I just kind of feel like that part of me has died. Every once in a while maybe I can still access that part of me, but less and less often. It's like one day I walked through a doorway and that part of me stayed behind.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to see how people identify like every 5 years. How static is identity, especially if you are lgbtq+? How often do people who identify as butch or femme find that one day they no longer are? I don't know. I only came back to post this because sometimes people like other things I have posted here and it makes me feel odd now, feeling less and less that femme is an identity I can rightly claim.

Maybe one day I will walk through some other doorway and find that part of me eagerly waiting. I do not know.

[Femmewench]

Originally Posted by Nat

I think maybe these days I don't feel like a femme anymore. I felt so solidly femme for a long while - even with my gender stuff which is sort of dual. But I cut my hair off a year ago and I feel weird lately if I wear something that feels too girly and I just kind of feel like that part of me has died. Every once in a while maybe I can still access that part of me, but less and less often. It's like one day I walked through a doorway and that part of me stayed behind.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to see how people identify like every 5 years. How static is identity, especially if you are lgbtq+? How often do people who identify as butch or femme find that one day they no longer are? I don't know. I only came back to post this because sometimes people like other things I have posted here and it makes me feel odd now, feeling less and less that femme is an Identity I can rightly claim.

Maybe one day I will walk through some other doorway and find that part of me eagerly waiting. I do not know.

A thoughtful question given the spectrum. Moving within the femme end and moving within the butch end are probably both expected to a certain degree. Moving to a different side of the spectrum may be less common, but uncommon can be a wonderful thing. As long as it feels right to you enjoy you.

[Esme nha Maire]

Originally Posted by Nat

I think maybe these days I don't feel like a femme anymore. I felt so solidly femme for a long while - even with my gender stuff which is sort of dual. But I cut my hair off a year ago and I feel weird lately if I wear something that feels too girly and I just kind of feel like that part of me has died. Every once in a while maybe I can still access that part of me, but less and less often. It's like one day I walked through a doorway and that part of me stayed behind.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to see how people identify like every 5 years. How static is identity, especially if you are lgbtq+? How often do people who identify as butch or femme find that one day they no longer are? I don't know. I only came back to post this because sometimes people like other things I have posted here and it makes me feel odd now, feeling less and less that femme is an identity I can rightly claim.

Maybe one day I will walk through some other doorway and find that part of me eagerly waiting. I do not know.

That sounds somewhat similar to my experience. Earlier today, I found my photo album, which had been AWOL for several months, which includes one of the best photos ever taken of me, nearly thirty years ago. In it, I have permed hair, gold earrings and a gold writswatch with a thin strap, and I'm wearing a simple strapless red dress that ended at the knee, and 1.5in heel court shoes, and I'm holding a maroon clutch bag. My nails back then were still extremely strong, and they were long, perfect ovals, and painted, and my face made up. I looked very much the femme, and felt perfectly happy so, although back then I was also very nervous, lacking the self confidence that I have today. Back then, at work I wore a nice grey skirt-suit from Long Tall Sally, with slightly flatter court shoes, and a white blouse. I was a size (UK) 14. 38-28-38 and 5ft 11 (175cm) tall.

Contrast today. I'm sat at my PC wearing camo leggings and a camo shirt/jacket (over a 'Strangers in Paradise' T-shirt), no makeup because I havent left the flat today, but if I do apply any makeup, it's foundation and lippy only. My most common attire is walking boots, black jeans, black tank-top and often a large, long thick grey buttonless waistcoat with deep pockets, topped off with a black brimmed hat. I do occasionally still wear skirts, but I don't do femme the way I used to partly because I haven't a good figure and it's hard to look good in form-fitting skirts or dresses if you have a bit of a pot belly (I went up to a size 22 at one point - down to an 18 now), partly because I can no longer see well enough without glasses to do more elaborate makeup, and partly because I can't be bothered to try to achieve a femme look when I can far more easily achieve a reasonable and distinctive tomboy look. (It's good enough that I still get straight guys making passes at me every few weeks. Sigh... - but hey it's still a compliment, right? :-})

I realised at some point that what matters to me most is not what my appearance is, but that I look reasonably good at whatever style I'm wearing. Also, I have lost that slight sense of otherness compared to cis-women that bedeviled me for many years, and no longer think of myself as trans-anything, my primary identity being, simply, lesbian. Being introvert, I've been a natural wallflower, but that was fiercely reinforced by a lot of personal paranoia due to life experiences. Recently, I've got over most of those, partially aided by chatting with a therapist. And I positively want to chase women and chat them up, I've just had few opportunities to do so since gaining the level of confidence I now have.

So what does that make me? Durned if I know - but I don't actually care except insofar as it's good to be both self-aware and aware of how others perceive onself. I've tried, just for the fun of it, comparing myself to lesbians on film or on YouTube. Am I more/less femme/butch than her? Who makes me swoon/melt? Would I be the butch to her femme or the femme to her butch or would we be kinda equals even if somewhat different? What I don't do is try to nail myself down with labels, because that way can lie madness if there is no label that clearly fits you well.

So yeah, I've had the startling experience of being thought to be butch when I started off as femme. But as well as my appearance having changed, so too have some of my attitudes, whilst others always were tomboyish. I'm not as pretty as I once was, but I still cry at the drop of a hat if something moves me sufficiently, and i love cats and bunnies and pretty stuff - and beautiful machinery, military history, etc. I can bake cakes and, at a pinch, fix stuff. IF I managed to regain something like a decent figure, I'd quite happily see if I could carry off a 'glamourous gran' look occasionally, just for the fun of seeing the reaction of folk who've seen me only looking tomboyish this last couple of years and a bit of a drab for several years previous. But I think the only label that approximates what I am now is tomboy.

All I know for certain is I'm being the best me I can be. If anyone doesn't like that, tough. Their problem, not mine! :-}

(added in edit - I've just remembered- the second best photo taken of me was at the end of 2016, one of only four ever taken of me on skates in my derby gear - despite which, with my hair falling forward across my shoulders, I look quite girly as well as slightly menacing!)