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Old 09-16-2012, 12:41 PM   #1
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Default Showing scars: what are your relationship fears?

This thread is intended for self-reflection and thinking about relationships.

What scars do you have from old relationships that play out in your newer ones?

Do you have any insecurities from things that have happened in your past that you have to work to overcome now?

How do you deal with these issues to make sure they don't wreak havoc on your current or future relationships? How do you make your [potential or real] partner aware of your baggage?

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Old 09-16-2012, 12:47 PM   #2
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[nomedia="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLjNzwEULG8"]Jaws (6/10) Movie CLIP - Scars (1975) HD - YouTube[/nomedia]
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Old 09-16-2012, 01:07 PM   #3
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Over and over ... I fall for women who seem completely engaged, talk about marriage, how where we are "going" seems inevitable ... I hold back a little but go ahead and discuss it. I fall head over heels - then I sense them pulling away and get freaked out, anxious. They sense this anxiety, and pull away or break up based on it. All this after I have *never* brought up or allowed us to fixate on a future that's fun to think about but way too early to plan - after she is talking about how I'll "of course, end up baby X's step-dad" - and "well, you have to stop smoking near the house now so it will be okay by fall" -

I realize they are probably on the rebound, not in control of their own mouth ... or I'm supposed to pull away rather than stay present. But it's a drag. The last one I truly believe was a genuine match, we were so compatible - but she assumed a lot, plugged in her own doubts with her own answers rather than talk to me. I would have been happy to stop seeing each other every day. There are lots of adjustments I would have made to keep a promising future alive.

So - my scars are abandonment issues. I am self-contained, solid, my feet on the ground - until I start to feel slippage. Maybe she's not slipping away at all, but when I sense it, my own steadiness, part of who I am, begins to slip and it's palpable, thus creating even more doubt.
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Old 09-16-2012, 01:24 PM   #4
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I'm pretty secure in the front side of the relationship. I tend to attract the type of person I am attracted to, so I think that means I'm putting the right things out into the world.

I can fall fast, but I don't think there's anything wrong with that. As long as I don't act fast! (learned that one the hard way)

I have trusted the wrong people, but I'm lucky in that it doesn't keep me from trusting new ones. I just learned not to ignore that gut feeling I have when something just isn't right. And I start to scrutinize a lot sooner than I used to.

My relationships have typically been relatively long and stable, but my marriage scarred me a lot. My trust was broken over and over. My wife didn't love me, and I had to be the one to point that out; realistically, it was probably years after she actually stopped, if she ever did in the first place. It made me feel like an object of convenience - why would you stay with someone you don't love?

I heard a song today that reminded me of how that place felt. I am glad I'm out, and I hope it won't affect my love life in the future. But that's my scar.
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Old 09-16-2012, 01:12 PM   #5
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I've been fortunate that I've had relatively healthy partners, save a couple. I think overall, I've become much healthier and thus more able to attract someone healthy, too. So that's the good news.

The "bad" news: I worry about losing my independence and my ability to think for myself. I worked so hard to get that back, that I'm afraid to get into another relationship and lose that. I don't think I compromise well.

I'm afraid of becoming somone's "half", like "Someone and partner", instead of a full person on my own. I'm afraid of always being referred to in context to my partner.

I'm also afraid of being found lacking in the intimacy department (I mean physical, as well as emotional). I don't enjoy a lot of activities that are somewhat "standard" (if that's the right word). An intimate relationship might just be too much. I hope not, though.
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Old 09-16-2012, 01:35 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by guihong View Post
I've been fortunate that I've had relatively healthy partners, save a couple. I think overall, I've become much healthier and thus more able to attract someone healthy, too. So that's the good news.

The "bad" news: I worry about losing my independence and my ability to think for myself. I worked so hard to get that back, that I'm afraid to get into another relationship and lose that. I don't think I compromise well.

I'm afraid of becoming somone's "half", like "Someone and partner", instead of a full person on my own. I'm afraid of always being referred to in context to my partner.

I'm also afraid of being found lacking in the intimacy department (I mean physical, as well as emotional). I don't enjoy a lot of activities that are somewhat "standard" (if that's the right word). An intimate relationship might just be too much. I hope not, though.
It sounds to me like you are afraid of losing your identity, of compromising too much. Why do you think that is?

I'm a believer that there is someone out there for everyone. You just have to be open, have realistic expectations, accept and love yourself. Maybe I'm an optimist, but I think that being realistic, but positively so, is what makes successful people. So keep up your hope. You deserve someone who is just right for you.
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Old 09-16-2012, 02:07 PM   #7
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My biggest fear is losing my independence and that's hard for me to swallow. I lost so much of who I am in my last relationship and didn't realize it until it was over. I have never let myself do that in any relationship. I was always the strong independent one that had a hard time with change, but learned to compromise. I just don't know what happened to me in the last relationship.

Cleaning out my head and moving on has taken a few years, but I've done it. I know the next step would be dating again, but it scares me. I think someone would have to show an interest in me before I did them in order for me to open up a little more. I do know should there ever be a next relationship that it will be my last. I will take it slow and really get to know the person. If they can't move slowly then I'm not the person for them.

Also, I have one more move to make, to make yet another change in my life and it'll be my last move. So, if someone doesn't want to be in my space, I'm not the person for them. I can be stubborn because I've bent so much in the past for others. This time around, it'll be about where I want to be and whoever wants to travel with me.

Lastly, I know I have triggers that set me off, but would tell someone if they've touched on one of them, so it wouldn't happen again. I know my feelings seem to get hurt more easily nowadays.

Caring around old baggage is also a fear. What if a person interested in me, can't let go of old baggage and continues to bring it up? I've tried to work through all of my old baggage and just would like a fresh start.

So much to consider when relationships scare you or perhaps it's failure that's scary.
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Old 09-17-2012, 01:37 PM   #8
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As long as everyone is honest about what they want from the beginning then nobody is wrong. Maintaining is a little distance is probably the healthiest way to go anyway. Logically I know that's true but as long as we're being honest, my emotions usually win out over logic and I would not stop wishing for more if I cared about someone who held me at a distance emotionally.
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Old 09-17-2012, 02:00 PM   #9
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I'm another one who's scared of losing herself completely in someone else. I've done it before, don't want to do it again.

I don't want to give up my space anymore. I moved to another country (OK, Canada, but still...) to be with someone, gave up my my whole life in San Francisco, and moved into a tiny one bedroom apartment with another person. We didn't go out very often, I had a hard time making friends here, and my whole life basically became about her. Never again.
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Old 09-17-2012, 02:40 PM   #10
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i love this thread idea. it's making me think really hard.

my biggest issue is that i suck at dealing with conflict and am a complete people pleaser. i'm also terrified of abandonment. (more because of childhood things than former relationships.) i can't deal with people being angry with me because i'm afraid they'll hurt me or they'll abandon me.

it's funny because c. has some anger issues and so we've definitely had to meet in the middle on this one. he's actively working on his anger stuff and i'm actively working on not avoiding conflict or trying to walk on eggshells/anticipate his moods, and not freaking out and panicking when there is anger or conflict.

on the upside, as i learn to communicate better and be more honest instead of avoidant, it has led to really healthy and awesome things in relationships because i'd rather talk about a problem than fight about it - that's just my personality. so we don't do the explosive fighting thing. i tease him about needing to have maintenance fights because we fight so little.

i struggle with other things that are not as huge of a deal for me...like, i definitely love my own space and my independence. and i have a tendency to fall hard and fast and get super wrapped up in new relationship energy. i also have a tendency to fall for people who are not as into me as i am into them, but i'm much better at letting go of those situations now than i used to be.
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Old 04-01-2018, 10:29 AM   #11
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after my last relationship, i realized for the first time in my life that i deserve better. I realized my self worth. It was so scary for me to say " I deserve better" I realized that im a good person, im honest, caring and compassionate and strong. For me it was hard to look at the good, it had always been easier and safer to look at the bad. I guess it made it easier to go through crappy relationships if you didnt think you deserved better. Well, now i know with the greatest clarity what i deserve and want. It has brought an immense sense of peace and fullness in my life.
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Old 04-01-2018, 01:23 PM   #12
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I just want to say it takes two, rarely is it ever just one person in a relationship which screws it up. I think lack of taking responsiblity for one's (own) actions makes things worse. It took me a while to figure out it wasn't only his fault, more important it was mine too. I've learned from my mistakes and it's better now.
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Old 04-04-2018, 03:14 PM   #13
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I think I'm probably done for this lifetime. I haven't been choosing well. Each relationship, (I almost wrote 'failed relationship'), has taught me a great deal about myself, but they've done nothing to alleviate my fears about the painful reality of becoming entangled with another person. They might have serious mental illness, or die on me, or turn out to be a consummate liar, or a thousand other possible negative outcomes which I haven't yet experienced, unlike the above mentioned negative possibilities which I have experienced.

I suppose that means I'm no longer afraid of what might happen in a relationship because I'm no longer interested in involving myself in another one. Do I fear the likelihood that I will not ever be in another romantic relationship? Perhaps. And I feel slightly relieved about it, too.
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Old 04-04-2018, 03:55 PM   #14
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i have a huge fear of letting go completely, and becoming completely happy, living the dream, and truly seeing my happy ever after with the butch of my dreams, only to have the rug pulled out from under me for reasons beyond my control. *shudders*
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Old 04-04-2018, 04:55 PM   #15
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i have a huge fear of letting go completely, and becoming completely happy, living the dream, and truly seeing my happy ever after with the butch of my dreams, only to have the rug pulled out from under me for reasons beyond my control. *shudders*
Yes I know this feeling.

Except the butch of my dreams part
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Old 04-04-2018, 07:05 PM   #16
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i have a huge fear of letting go completely, and becoming completely happy, living the dream, and truly seeing my happy ever after with the butch of my dreams, only to have the rug pulled out from under me for reasons beyond my control. *shudders*

That's how it's going to be for me. The rug is over there somewhere~~~~~~》
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Old 04-18-2018, 07:16 PM   #17
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i have a huge fear of letting go completely, and becoming completely happy, living the dream, and truly seeing my happy ever after with the butch of my dreams, only to have the rug pulled out from under me for reasons beyond my control. *shudders*


This. This is my fear exactly.
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Old 09-09-2018, 06:05 PM   #18
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Originally Posted by girl_dee View Post
i have a huge fear of letting go completely, and becoming completely happy, living the dream, and truly seeing my happy ever after with the butch of my dreams, only to have the rug pulled out from under me for reasons beyond my control. *shudders*
You know what? I gotta say...this happened. It happened and I'm still here. I'm still breathing and living my life, day in and day out. Is it what I thought it would be at this point? Nope. But the life that was advertised and I bought into wasn't what showed up. I just couldn't see it for the fancy packaging. And that's not on me. I refuse to victim shame myself. That's absolutely 100% on them.

I had to take a look at the BIIIIIG picture and see it for what it was. I got hoodwinked. Hook, line and sinker. And that was a HUUUUGE fear for me all these years but it's kind of like going to the dentist or getting a shot or doing something that you have built up in your mind over and over to the point where it's some mountainous obstacle instead of the mole hill that it really is. The fear was worse than the event itself, really.

It happened. I survived. I have more scars for it, but nothing that I think will hurt the next person to be brave enough to approach me. I have learned....and re-learned....some lessons that I will absolutely adhere to going forward. That's a good thing, I think. Having healthy and reasonable boundaries is good. Patrolling and policing those boundaries is better. Not having to address any attempts to walk over or bulldoze those boundaries is best.

I feel a little surprised at how okay I am, actually. It was a hard lesson but I suppose I had to have it hard because I'm stubborn and bullheaded and very thick sometimes. Now, I've got it. I'm good.

*eyeballs Universe*

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Old 04-05-2018, 12:28 PM   #19
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i just wanted to say..reading your comments has taught me some things about myself..there is truth here and much bravery..i truly appreciate you. thank you
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Old 04-05-2018, 02:10 PM   #20
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hooking up with a self-centered liar and all the behaviors that go along with that ... I used to be such a truster and believer ... I keep my distance "safe" now. I choose this because I enjoy my life so much better this way ... I would describe it as a type of calm happiness.
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