Pronouns

[MissGentleman]

Does it offend you when someone calls you by your former or an unwanted pronoun?

It doesn't really offend me if I get called "him", but it does seem a bit strange. I'm much more comfortable with "her" and other female pronouns. I still have a bit of trouble remembering that my MTF friend, who started transitioning at the time I met her, is a "she", whereas my other friend who came out as FTM after I'd known him for a bit, is pretty easy to remember.

So to answer my question, how do you react to when someone calls you by a different pronoun than you prefer? Do you acknowledge that sometimes someone can make a mistake, especially in the early days?

[Massive]

I pretty much get called 'sir' all the time now, but I don't have a problem with it, and I've noticed that some people just can't get their heads around calling me "Hy" which is my personal preferred pronoun, but, at the end of the day, I don't mind, as long as whatever I'm referred to with or called is respectful and not "Oy lesbian!" ...
(But that's just me and my lack of desire to be called a lesbian, cos I'm not one)
I think pronouns are a very personal thing, and it depends on the culture and/or where you're from, the UK's slowly catching up, and I mean slowly, but I'm still waiting for the day when I don't have to explain GenderQueer in words of three syllables or less

[JustBeingMe]

Nope, I don't get "offended" by anyone calling me the incorrect pronoun that I prefer, which is SHE. However I don't like the assumption that because I am butch that I use the HE pronoun. To each their own I suppose.

[Andrew, Jr.]

I require male pronouns. I find the female pronouns as a sign of disrespect and the person using them as being really rude.

[Just_G]

I am just to the point that I don't care who calls me what. People don't know how I identify in my own head, so how are they supposed to know how to address me? So, call me he/she or whatever..hell, call me a he-she, I don't care...just be nice to me is all I ask.

[Jet]

Originally Posted by MissGentleman

Does it offend you when someone calls you by your former or an unwanted pronoun?

It doesn't really offend me if I get called "him", but it does seem a bit strange. I'm much more comfortable with "her" and other female pronouns. I still have a bit of trouble remembering that my MTF friend, who started transitioning at the time I met her, is a "she", whereas my other friend who came out as FTM after I'd known him for a bit, is pretty easy to remember.

So to answer my question, how do you react to when someone calls you by a different pronoun than you prefer? Do you acknowledge that sometimes someone can make a mistake, especially in the early days?

It offends me only when the male pronouns are not used in the LGBT community. i expect the community to have a grip but it doesn't. I'm not transitioned yet, so I can't expect the general the public to use male pronouns—but it's funny, because i look more male now than ever.

I live in the south and a friend pointed out that the reason southerners may be using female pronouns with me is because they're afraid using male pronouns that may offend me. ha!

I like male pronouns and nothing spelled with a "y".
I'm not a lesbian and have NEVER ID'd as one. I'm transgered/male and male ID'd because that's how I am wired. I cannot be with a female partner as a woman. I am male dominate (not meant in the BDSM context)

[Nat]

I went to a Queer Conference in Austin about 3 years ago, and there was a place by the entrance where they would hand you a nametag with your preferred pronoun already on it. I declined without thinking - since I'm relatively girly, live in a female-designated body and am cool with "she/her" pronouns.

In one of the workshops, it was pointed out that those who declined the pronoun-tag were most likely uknowingly exercising privilege.

That was an epiphany for me. I have the confidence that nobody would question which pronoun to use with me based on my gender presentation - and having that confidence is indeed a privilege.

My own experience of my gender is complex - or maybe simple - and I don't really feel like "she" applies to my insides as well as it applies to my outsides. "He" doesn't really cover everything in there either. I'm cool with "she" - it covers my outsides just fine and it corresponds with my lived experience too.

I've experienced so much stress trying to keep track of other people's pronouns, memorizing who will get offended by which - even people I barely know at all. It's not the pronoun that stresses me - it's the risk of offense. Mostly, I find the stress of possibly angering or disrespecting people with an inadvertant incorrect pronoun to be very exhausting.

Also, I have struggled when dating people with male pronouns - struggled with how to refer to them when speaking to others. Struggled with whether to respect the pronoun - effectively closeting myself - or to respect my own identity as an out lesbian by altering that pronoun when referring to my mate - or to give the quick run-down of the gender of the person I'm dating so as to try to respect both (and that ends up feeling the opposite of respectful). Or, I go back to the pronoun game - that closet game where you avoid all pronouns completely. I find it exhausting. I'd manage it if my gf decided she'd rather be my bf, but in the meantime, I am somewhat relieved to have some time and space where I don't feel stuck between the disrespecting-my-partner's-id rock and the disrespecting-my-own-id hard place.

I think the greater issue with all that (for me) might boil down to femme invisibility and just not having been out of the closet for that long. It's like I'm still afraid I could be shoved back in there. If I were a butch, I could call my partner anything I wanted, and it wouldn't put me in the closet so easily. I feel like often femmes are expected to always put the feelings of those of the more masculine persuasions ahead of our own. But then, that may be my own internalized misogyny I'm responding to.

Because of all that (above), I have pretty much decided to accept all pronouns. I might not know whom you're talking about if you refer to me as "he" or "zie" but I'm down with whatever. I want to live in the impossible-to-offend-with-pronouns zone and I'm happy to do my best to memorize and respect others' pronoun choices as long as I can be relatively assured to be left in peace if I occasionally screw it up.

[Thinker]

Originally Posted by MissGentleman

Does it offend you when someone calls you by your former or an unwanted pronoun?

It doesn't really offend me if I get called "him", but it does seem a bit strange. I'm much more comfortable with "her" and other female pronouns. I still have a bit of trouble remembering that my MTF friend, who started transitioning at the time I met her, is a "she", whereas my other friend who came out as FTM after I'd known him for a bit, is pretty easy to remember.

So to answer my question, how do you react to when someone calls you by a different pronoun than you prefer? Do you acknowledge that sometimes someone can make a mistake, especially in the early days?

I wouldn't be offended if it happened with someone who has not yet had enough time with me since transitioning......someone learning to be with me as I am now versus how they knew me before. I get that for some it could be more of a "habit" thing and not that they don't *truly* see me.

I think, too, if we lower the wall some and really look at what is happening with the person, we might be less inclined to get offended and act in a defensive manner. There really are a whole lot of people out there who mean no harm.

Experience has shown me that the folks who f*ck with you via pronouns are few and far between. The rest of them, in my opinion, are really doing the best they can with a situation that is very foreign to them.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Thinker,

I am tired of being flexable. I am tired of changing and always turning to my other cheek when other people are stuck in their ways. I think we are around the same age (I'm 46 yo). It has been my experience that if someone has a nasty disposition 2, 3, or 6 years ago, then I can pretty much bet that they will still have the same disposition today unless they are in therapy and something happens. I just say we both agree to disagree on this one, buddy.

[AtLast]

I tend to be called male pronouns often and I prefer female. I don't really get upset with this unless someone as Thinker points out, is fu**ing with me. Which does happen. I just correct people in a courteous manner if they use male pronouns with me.

On the other side of this, I make an effort to find out what another person prefers. Outward appearance just doesn't work well with this and I feel that it is just as important for me to use the pronouns someone else prefers as it is to learn their name or pronounce it correctly.

It's interesting to me that on the site, even with my stating I prefer she, her, etc., a lot of people will use male pronouns. I was glad to see that the Planet made room for this designation in the profile structure, so this does kind of disappoint me. I look at what members state in that box all of the time because I do think it's important and the respectful thing to do. I appreciate it when someone asks me about this lets say when I have asked them out. It isn’t just about me, it’s about honoring the fact that gender has evolved away from the traditional binary and that people do have personal preferences. Gender has become more fluid within and outside of our community.

I have at times felt annoyed when someone calls me him or he and can understand why someone that is male-identified or a FtM can feel annoyed and there have been times when I have not felt like being flexible because being referred to as such happens so much within the B-F community. And I am amazed at this sometimes, because it just seems like we ought to be more sensitive about this.

Looks to me like all butches, no matter how they identify have problems with this!

[Thinker]

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

Thinker,

I am tired of being flexable. I am tired of changing and always turning to my other cheek when other people are stuck in their ways. I think we are around the same age (I'm 46 yo). It has been my experience that if someone has a nasty disposition 2, 3, or 6 years ago, then I can pretty much bet that they will still have the same disposition today unless they are in therapy and something happens. I just say we both agree to disagree on this one, buddy.

Hey Andrew...

My post wasn't intended to disagree with anything you said. It was my response to the OP's question based on my personal experiences.

In the years I've known you and read you online, it is evident to me that you and I have had vastly different experiences. I can't even begin to understand what you've been through, so I certainly wouldn't deny you your feelings when it comes to this and so many other topics.

I'm sorry if there was confusion. I did not respond to draw contrast to what you had written. I just wanted to throw in my two cents since it seems the OP is interested in hearing different takes on the subject.

Respectfully,
Thinker

[Andrew, Jr.]

Thinker,

We have a good relationship. I value that. I know your heart and soul, and you know mine.

I think the problem is that I struggle with oral communication. And those who dislike me for whatever reason use it against me. The one thing that gets my goat is the use of pronouns as a weapon.

Peace,
Andrew

[Bad_boi]

Pronouns are silly, just treat me well and I am happy.

[redrose]

for me, "she" definitely
for my butch, she wanted a "she" pronoun

[StoneFinn]

Originally Posted by Nat

Also, I have struggled when dating people with male pronouns - struggled with how to refer to them when speaking to others. Struggled with whether to respect the pronoun - effectively closeting myself - or to respect my own identity as an out lesbian by altering that pronoun when referring to my mate - or to give the quick run-down of the gender of the person I'm dating so as to try to respect both (and that ends up feeling the opposite of respectful). Or, I go back to the pronoun game - that closet game where you avoid all pronouns completely. I find it exhausting. I'd manage it if my gf decided she'd rather be my bf, but in the meantime, I am somewhat relieved to have some time and space where I don't feel stuck between the disrespecting-my-partner's-id rock and the disrespecting-my-own-id hard place.

Nat-- I snipped down your wonderful post because I want to address directly the above point you made. Thank you for the overall post-- but for now, my thoughts on this part...

I prefer male pronouns-- as I ID trans-male. My partner, when she refers to me in the "introductory phases" of situations such as a new role (work), or similar situations, will use "she". This does NOT bother me.

Why should it? She is my partner, and for her, referring to me as "she" in the beginning is a good way for her to not be closeted. There will be people who become either a close acquaintance or a friend, and they start to know me as "he". To me, I am not hung up about it.

In these situations-- I do not ever meet the majority of these people, but my partner works with them on a daily basis. For me, what is important is her comfort, and her freedom to be herself, which includes not being closeted- intentionally or incidentally, and that will win out over a pronoun.

For me, I don't see this as being "disrespectful" of me, my identity, or anything else along those lines. We are partners-- it is a give and take, and we support each other. She supports me in so many subtle ways, and so many not so subtle ways and I do my very best to show her the same support and respect in turn.



Otherwise-- I am older now than I was before... things that seemed oh so very important and oh so very needed of me to huff and puff about... now... now they just don't seem so important. I have mellowed. If someone calls me "Ma'am" I am not going to flip. It rarely happens.

The nice woman down at the Vinnies store calls my partner and I "ladies". I am not going to get upset-- she is a very Christian woman, who happens to adore my partner and I and has no issue with us as a queer couple what-so-ever... nor me in how I physically present, and we consider a friend and part of our extended family.

I don't think she would really be able to call me anything different, but I know she would try, and it would bring a stress of struggling to not mess up on her part into the dynamics of our friendship... that to me just isn't worth it.

The couple down at the Garden Center.. who we also consider friends and call Mr and Mrs Pants... have always referred to me in male terms-- and I never had to address this with them...

To me-- these are just part of the balances of life, and every single one of them makes me smile.

[Diavolo]

Just don't call me late for dinner and I'm good.

[Kobi]

Pronouns never meant much to me until I started being mistaken for a male both on the phone and in person. Buying a new lift and separate bra didnt help either!

I appreciate when people acknowledge me as a woman cuz I am! And I like when they ask what I prefer rather than assuming I identify as something I am not.

[waxnrope]

Every since I was a teen, I was frequently addressed as sir. I think that this is partly because I am uncommonly tall for a woman, and some people, not entirely conscious, will see tall and put 2 and 5 together and come up with 4.
As I've matured, I think that I'm kinda proud that people address me as sir. It doesn't really matter too much what I'm called in terms of gender ... I know who I am.

[lisa93]

It's offensive if they purposely use incorrect pronouns

[Steele]

Idk I never really got bothered by pronouns. Although I really hated being she'd for the longest time. I recently switched back to she after realizing that it wasn't the pronoun itself bothering me but the perception of femininity it often gives people. I really feel uncomfortable being seen as feminine.