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Old 02-19-2014, 06:01 AM   #441
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Default my sister...at 5:30am...(while I'm sound asleep in "the front room" of open floor plan)

(HUGE crash in kitchen...sis yells AHH SHIT!! SHIT SHIT!!!)
me: What's wrong?!?! Can I help?!?! (Knowing she's trying to leave for 1.5 hour commute)
Her: no...dammit...SHIT

a little time passes, she steps to front door and announces "You ever have that moment when you're trying to shake a shaker jar but the lid isn't screwed on??

When she said that, I totally expected to see strawberry protein shake all over her military uniform!! Now I'm wondering if I shouldn't go to kitchen to make sure she got it all, instead of leaving it for mom to clean (like she does everything else) ...if she did...I'm gonna quietly sneak over to sleep on her neighbor's couch before all hell breaks lose.
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Old 02-20-2014, 12:29 AM   #442
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kenna View Post
(HUGE crash in kitchen...sis yells AHH SHIT!! SHIT SHIT!!!)
me: What's wrong?!?! Can I help?!?! (Knowing she's trying to leave for 1.5 hour commute)
Her: no...dammit...SHIT

a little time passes, she steps to front door and announces "You ever have that moment when you're trying to shake a shaker jar but the lid isn't screwed on??

When she said that, I totally expected to see strawberry protein shake all over her military uniform!! Now I'm wondering if I shouldn't go to kitchen to make sure she got it all, instead of leaving it for mom to clean (like she does everything else) ...if she did...I'm gonna quietly sneak over to sleep on her neighbor's couch before all hell breaks lose.
So around 3pm same day...Mom's in the kitchen and I'm upstairs..
Just as I slip into my bubble bath....I hear mom scream like she'd seen a snake...then cuss up a storm and say WHAT THE HELL IS THIS PINK GOOEY SHIT ALL OVER MY GAS BURNERS AND RANGE HOOD!!!? HOLY HELL...SHE EVEN GOT IT IN THE PILOT LIGHT!! IT LOOKS LIKE A PINK TELLA-TUBBY EXPLODED IN A PRESSURE COOKER!!!

I giggle to myself (I had actually dozed back off this morning and forgot all about it) ...slipped further down in my bubbles with big smile...and thought "good thing I WON'T be here when my sister gets home....mom will accuse her of torturing tella-tubbies!
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Old 05-21-2014, 09:27 PM   #443
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"My beard may smell like pussy, but at least my foot doesn't smell like butt crack!"
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Old 08-30-2014, 05:16 PM   #444
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Bloo stop using your sister's neck as a binkie.
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Old 09-06-2014, 01:57 AM   #445
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What I said: Want me to help with that?
What they said, in a sleepy voice: I don't think your hands are big enough to wrap around it.
My response: ohhhhh really?? (Laughing hard and naughty giggle) I wasn't talking about THAT kinda help!
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Old 11-24-2014, 06:13 PM   #446
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From the radio..Would you date someone who didn't like the same sports team as you? As my roomie and I were riding down the road.

Me...HELL NO, I sure wouldn't date a Gamecock fan

Roomie..laughing really?

Me...yeah all my girls have been Tigers

Rommie...belly laughing with the exception of one
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Old 11-24-2014, 08:44 PM   #447
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"Stalker."

"Of you, yes. I'm going to stuff you and keep you after you die. I'll do your make up and change your outfits."

"That is so disturbing. I would never let you do my make up--alive or dead."
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Old 11-25-2014, 12:42 AM   #448
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My 13 year old while we were talking about music: I really liked Skillet until I found out it was a christian band.
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Old 02-18-2015, 08:17 PM   #449
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"Oh snaps!", "Seriously?", "That's ridonkulous!" are heard very, very often in this household.
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Old 02-18-2015, 11:28 PM   #450
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"I loved it when you punched me in the head. That was AWESOME!"
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Old 03-27-2015, 09:36 PM   #451
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"Oooh... You turned my butt on!"
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Old 04-17-2015, 08:21 PM   #452
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Default from a local buddy who was repairing the porch light

As he was describing his spine surgery gone wrong...
"They chipped a bone and had to wheel me into the MRI to find it. But they couldn't find it and left it in there!! Later I told my doc that my BALLS GO NUMB!!!...doc said that chip is pinching the nerve but he won't remove it. So I told him my wife is fixed and I don't want kids so CUT MY BALLS OFF! I heard Duke [medical college] will give $800 per ball so cut them off and send them to Duke! I don't need them!!... I need the money and it's better than going numb! ...

Then his doctor said (thru a thick accent)..'dat won't help. It be like cutting off arm...will feel phantom pain"...



Shit heard 'round this house!!
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Old 05-02-2015, 10:29 PM   #453
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All in the course of one day.....


A chihuahua fart!!
(We all laughed till we cried!!)
Me: Skippy!! You rotten little fart! I didn't squeeze you that hard!!
Skippy's Daddy: sounded like you squeezed the shit outa him!!
(OMG!! MORE LAUGHTER AND TEARS)

*******************later....

Friend 1 about buddy 2: Look...I think hy wants a threesome!!
Friend 3: (looking at buddy 2 with a cocky grin) I only do two and you ain't one of the two.

*********************

Them: Get that thang off my foot!
Me: What thang!
Them: THAT thang!
Me: it's just a string on your pants.
Them: NOT THAT THANG! THE OTHER THANG!
Me: there's noTHANG on your foot!
Them: look there....
Me: oh? That tiny little thang? *chuckles* give me the flashlight, who gave you warts on your foot?
Them: I was born with it...maybe when I was a little boy I stepped on frog poop?
Me: (cracked up laughing)

**************

While watching a very descriptive commercial for treatment (Osphena) of post menopausal dryness .....
Friend 1: OH MY GOD...at dinnertime they play commercials about Viagra...then at night they play this before little kids go to bed?
Friend 2: .....(looked at Friend 1 with a cocky grin then looked at the TV and declared....) Ohhh baby! If you were with me, you wouldn't have that problem... GLIDE INNNN....glide out...
Friend 1: YOU ARE SOOOOO BAD!!
Friend 2: Well? My woman wouldn't need lube...
Friend 1: *rolling eyes and laughing * LOOK!! *pointing at Buddy 3* Hy just winked at me!!

*****************
Them:
Me: OH NO YOU DIDN'T!! YOU'RE GROSS!! THANK GOD YOU ROLLED OVER TO FACE ME BEFORE YOU DID THAT!!
Them: (laughing hard) What did you think of that?
Me: it sounded like your ass cheeks flapped together!!
Them: HAHA...Told you I'm all boy!!
Me: I've known that forever but daymmmm you!!
Me: looked over at Buddy 3...are you ok??
Buddy 3: winked at me then hid hys face under the pillow
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Old 05-06-2015, 08:57 PM   #454
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As I'm watching TV, I hear...

GIVE ME THAT FROG!! I'M GONNA KNOCK YOU OUT!! .



Poor WooBear doesn't understand the frog is FILTHY, and is in the laundry for a reason.
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Old 05-06-2015, 09:08 PM   #455
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"Oh, Ace. I can't get enough of you!"
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Old 11-26-2015, 06:48 PM   #456
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what's burning?


Something you don't want to hear on your first Thanksgiving together cooking..lol
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Old 11-26-2015, 07:51 PM   #457
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Do WHAT with my giblets?
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Old 12-05-2015, 09:53 PM   #458
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Don't break those balls! (we're decorating the tree)
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Old 01-07-2016, 02:05 AM   #459
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My nephew to his mom, who is in the restroom...

"You should think of happy things while you go mom, to make it go faster, like I do. I think about Ice Cream, Kittens and You!."
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Old 04-25-2016, 09:06 PM   #460
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I'm the happiest when I'm picking on someone.

Really? Like who? ???

You, the cats, it doesn't matter.

You crack me up! !!
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