Crush or Love?

[Virago]

How would you define the difference between a crush and true love?

In general and as if you were going to explain it to a 15 year old

[Bubala]

Crush is like a good drug rush, it's crazy, happy, silly superficial thing... it might be highly flammable, but like every match it burns out fast.

True love... well that takes time....it's not for everyone... It's not all roses and butterflies, it's going to hurt no matter how it ends, but it just might be worth it.

A crush is a selfish thing, true love is a selfless thing.

[Blade]

I wouldn't even attempt to explain it to a 15 yr old, they have to make their mistakes in life love and money on their on and learn from their own experiences.

However a crush is someone you think you can't live without. It's like instant gradification you think you love everything about a person instantly and everything about them is perfect and they are all you ever wanted.

Love takes longer. It begins with building a foundation to work on. Building a relationship piece by piece. Working out the problems and differences. Finding you share ideas and goals, and agree on ways to get to wbere you want to be. It's hard work. It's after building on this foundation you realize you are with someone you don't want to live without, in a good way

[MasterfulButch]

Personally I'd be cautious about trying to differentiate the two by comparison with one another because when you do it's natural to end up positioning one as better than the other. I believe there's a considerable scope to both as well as an area where they overlap. Equally, I think they are both a valuable part of our experience and when society holds love in greater esteem it can leave the person with a crush feeling invalidated. It doesn't help that crushes are often attributed to feckless youth which can leave a person with very real emotions feeling patronised and isolated.

When talking to the fifteen year old, I'd approach it from a different angle. Instead of following the cultural narrative for defining the two, I'd instead say that they should focus on how it makes them feel.

Is it exciting, frustrating or both?
Does the thought of a future with that person feel like a daydream?
Do they feel valued by the other person as the individual they are without the need for change?
How do they feel about themselves when they're with that person? Do they like themselves more, less or the same?
Does it feel like they are empowered in the situation or more at the mercy of the actions of the other person?
Do they have an urge to justify the existence or significance of what they are feeling either to themselves or to others?

From my experience I have felt both sides to all the above for relationships I have defined for myself as crushes and those as love. I think learning to accurately quantify and label something is a lot less important than it is to prioritise what it means to you. If you put your focus on how it makes you feel then you can act on what is the truth for yourself which is a much more empowering position to be in.

As a side note, I'm only just starting to see some of the cultural messaging I've picked up over my life so far and it's made me realise how insidious this can be. I would always be cautious about saying that true love has challenges or relationships take work. While I agree that life can be challenging and sometimes that takes the form of situations partners find themselves in, I don't feel like my partner is the challenge. It feels like we're in it together, united as we face the external circumstance or difficult interaction between us, mutually prioritising love and respect for the other as we go. The point being that when people talk about relationships being hard, it can set up the message in your mind that if you want a good relationship you have to stick at something that may actually be damaging for you. This is why I would get the fifteen year old focused on how it feels to them rather that continuing to define things by external standards. It's their experience that matters, not anybody else's.

[MsTinkerbelly]

A crush is thinking you will die without that person...love is knowing you would die FOR that person.

[Virago]

Good thoughts Lorelai, Blade, MasterfulButch and MsTinkerbelly. Thank you.

I asked this question, not necessarily because a 15 year old has experienced this, but because I have been having some amazing conversations with some young people lately and since I have not had a lot of teens in my life prior, I found myself somewhat unprepared in my wording. So I'm thinking more not in the direction of appeasing a 15 year old in their experience, but more in the wonders of a back and forth conversation about the definition. You know how you explain something to a young person and they counter with, "But what if......" and your whole definition goes out the window. lol
But talking directly about an immediate experience is definitely part of the conversation.

So, what if you know someone and you've developed a crush on that person. Crush might turn to love with more knowledge of that person, right? Now, for whatever reason you just can't ever let that person know you're crushing. Time goes by and you get to know the person more. Is it still a crush or is it now love? Is love only defined by a back and forth relationship and a crush is one sided? Is that it?

Actually, I like that definition. lolol

[Blade]

Love in a relationship is 2 people each giving 100% all of the time

A crush could be and probably typically is one sided. Else you quickly learn that you are just friends and that is the best way to be for you both.

[Cin]

Originally Posted by Virago

So, what if you know someone and you've developed a crush on that person. Crush might turn to love with more knowledge of that person, right? Now, for whatever reason you just can't ever let that person know you're crushing. Time goes by and you get to know the person more. Is it still a crush or is it now love? Is love only defined by a back and forth relationship and a crush is one sided? Is that it?

It depends on your definition of love and what your expectation of loving someone is. If you are crushing on someone and you can't ever let them know how you feel then of course it is one sided...even if it isn't. And rather fruitless since nobody can talk about it, ever.

If you get to know them more and you feel love towards them, then you have to decide what you want from that love. Will you be satisfied loving someone who can't know how you feel? Are you okay with that? Could you change it even if you tried? Do you feel that love is only valid if it is reciprocated?

I think people everywhere, at one time or another, find that they love someone who doesn't, can't or won't love them back in the way they want. We have little control over who we feel love for. But we can control how that love is expressed. We tend to think of love as a noun, but it is really a verb and the action of loving is seen and felt in how we treat others we profess to love. We may not get exactly what we want but we can still exchange love if we are open to what a person is able to give instead of only what we want.

And I think love is the same emotion no matter who you feel it for. We just feel it at different degrees and levels and express it in different ways depending if it is a parent, a child or a partner. But the emotion is the same.

But the feelings tied up in crushes and also in the temporary condition known as falling in love is a totally different kind of thing. It's almost the antithesis of love. It can be a very selfish and self involved experience. It's all about the lowering of ego boundaries that occurs when you are around a person you have feelings for. It is this that makes you feel that rush. The feelings are then attributed to the other person. And then around and around you go. But the feelings you have for someone you really don't know that well yet has little to do with the person. It's all about how you believe they make you feel. Until you get to know them over time your feelings can't actually be about them yet. So with the person you are crushing on it is about an attraction and about your feelings when you are around the person or when you are thinking about them. The real experience of giving love isn't part of the equation yet. It can grow out of a crush of course. But one where the other person, for whatever reason, is not ever able to be involved seems like a very unbalanced kind of relationship. One has to wonder what is in it for anyone to pursue it. Is it fair to involve someone in something they actually can't even participate in? Would it not be better to walk away and cut your losses?

I suppose this isn't something you can really explain to a 15 year old. If I remember correctly being 15 is a roller coaster ride of emotion and hormones.

[imperfect_cupcake]

It's very rare I ever crush on anyone. I think I have had maybe three?

I know a few other folks that just don't crush on others. We've talked about how bizarre it looks and how intense it is for someone to feel those things for you without knowing you. It verges on disturbing. Because you know it's not *really* you they have all those feelings for. It's this huge mass of projection, dreams, desires, needs, all kind of flung at you like a mass of wet noodle.

And you disappear as a person and just become this giant screen. And they insist that they love you because of all the intense feels they swear they have never felt before.

But I tell people that feelings are lovely but ultimately it's about earning trust, not demanding it or flinging it at someone; it's about learning how someone behaves with you over time; it's about having shared expereinces and learning to work together.

A crush is someone that makes the world go away or become more so full of colour when you look at them. Love is wiping someone's arse because they are too sick to do it themselves and making them a romantic card to make them feel better even though they were a total shit to you when they got home from the ultra crap day they had - really, you'd like to throw them off a bridge. But you make the card/favourite desert and you do your very best.

Love is built over time in a shared expereince. Crush, from what I feel off of others, is massive hopes and expectations of daydreams. It's all Eros.

Yes, crushes can lead to love. Of course. Or it can burn out. Or it becomes obsessive. Who knows.