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Old 09-02-2019, 12:26 PM   #801
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I did go to the dungeon last night. It turned out great! The way the dungeon is set up there's two separate lounges with the main play space between them. I stayed in the middle lounge and he was smart enough to stay in the back. If I needed food or drink I had a submissive fetch it for me because the kitchen is back there too.

I didn't do my scene as originally planned but I had fun just cuddling and hanging out with my new play partner, and we had a group playing kinky Jenga at one point. I just ignored him and did my own thing and it worked out. I got into a "fuck him" mindset and I felt protected by my friends.

I'm glad you have a friend to sit with you in church. I hope it goes ok!!! Yes, if you come out of church crying hysterically it is definitely not worth it. You have to feel safe even if it, sadly, means removing yourself from that church. I will be thinking of you too and sending you good energies for tomorrow!
I could not bring myself to go....But, good news. I think he has been asked to leave the church and has gone. I sure hope so!

So glad you are OK and Dungeon went well!
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Old 09-02-2019, 12:36 PM   #802
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My eating disorder has been active the last couple of weeks. I had a couple of doctor appointments and i did not follow the protocol of turning my back to the scale while getting weighed.

(i know there is an ED thread but my ED is how my PTSD likes to manifest)

The number was far higher than i could handle. Since then i have been tempted daily to download the calorie counting app to my phone and "get the situation under control."

Also i didn't have a secretary for almost 2 months, so i was having to do my own catering orders, and the process of polling everyone for their box lunch preferences was too much, bc i hate talking about food with people. When it came time to proof the final order i came very close to just not doing it and approving it w/o looking. I forced myself to check it finally and there was an error on my boss's order.

ALSO we had a "benefits fair" at work when wellness-type vendors can come and set up booths. I could not read the sign on a table and approached too close and the vendor started trying to sell me weight-loss coaching and low-calorie snack bars, even though the dress i was wearing was showing all the bones in my decolletage. I left the building.

Anyway, yesterday morning i could not stand it and finally weighed myself and the number was my very favorite number.

Now Mr. Jenny is worried about THAT, and immediately cooked pancakes for breakfast-- and although I feel better, i still want to download the calorie counter app.

Also i am not looking forward to therapy on Thursday, as my therapist has already recommended a month in outpatient treatment-- and refusing that along with my continued refusal to take SSRIs is making me seem difficult.

Its the ED that won't let me take SSRIs. Even if they didn't cause weight gain, they cause constipation and that is super-triggering. I convinced the Dr. to just let me have Ativans instead, for rescue when situations get bad, but i won't take those either bc of the constipation. I've had the same bottle of 30 pills since April.
I am so sorry you are going through this. While my eating problems lie on the opposite end of the spectrum, I can relate. It is especially difficult when one's PTSD is continuously triggered at work.

I have tried at different times to do inpatient and outpatient, but for whatever reason, no matter how crazed I felt, including psychotic breaks, I did not give that appearance to the people in charge of who gets help. And insurance....

Sending light and love your way, I hope things calm for you.

Sending love and light your way!!
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Old 09-03-2019, 12:59 PM   #803
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I could not bring myself to go....But, good news. I think he has been asked to leave the church and has gone. I sure hope so!

So glad you are OK and Dungeon went well!
I will be sooooo glad if that guy leaves the church!!!! He needs to after what he did. Keep us posted. Sorry you didn't make it this week but it's totally understandable.

I am at my therapist's about to do some EMDR on a REALLY traumatic memory and I'm nervous. I feel strong today but it's still gonna be hard and draining. I will let you all k ow how it goes.
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Old 09-04-2019, 07:53 AM   #804
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I did my EMDR yesterday. I'm feeling exhausted and a little unsteady, which is normal. My therapist said I might be up and down for a couple days before I notice some positive effects of the EMDR. I've only done it once before this and I found that to be the case.

I'm trying to ground and use visualizations if my safe place to get through. It's helping. I'm going to do some painting as well. That session was fucking INTENSE. I didn't sleep well last night and I'm still tired. But. I get to see my baby niece today and I'm staying overnight so I will get lots of soothing girl time.
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Old 09-05-2019, 12:40 PM   #805
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I did my EMDR yesterday. I'm feeling exhausted and a little unsteady, which is normal. My therapist said I might be up and down for a couple days before I notice some positive effects of the EMDR. I've only done it once before this and I found that to be the case.

I'm trying to ground and use visualizations if my safe place to get through. It's helping. I'm going to do some painting as well. That session was fucking INTENSE. I didn't sleep well last night and I'm still tired. But. I get to see my baby niece today and I'm staying overnight so I will get lots of soothing girl time.
I have found EMDR very helpful, but yes, it does take everything out of me. I have to schedule it at the end of the day. Over time though, when I look back at the traumas I have had EMDR around, I can really tell that my memories are more smoothed out and blurred at the edges. Brain spotting is also very helpful. Have you had that? Its more for if you don't know what exactly is activating your PTSD. EMDR seems more event specific. I have found them both really useful.

I am glad that you went and I hope this gives you the relief you need. I am so thankful for these therapies that can help us function in the world.

Therapist has something new to try next time I go. I used to have this anger inside I could call on when I needed it. and its just gone now. Then dud groped me, I froze and my throat closed up. What the Hell? I used to be tough as nails and now I freaking freeze. Where is that girl? Where is Helga the Prison Guard? (my former nickname at work by my employees) I don't know where she is. We are going to try to find her.

From what I have been told, groper man is not longer at church and they are supposed to have a meeting after church this Sunday to discuss changes in personnel. So I plan to go and see what happens. I have good support I can sit with. I really hope I can get back to it being a safe place for me.

OK, and on the subject of safe places...it just seems daunting and impossible to remove PTSD trigger occurrences. As well as I try to be.

Anyways, love to all of you!
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Old 09-05-2019, 09:07 PM   #806
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Tonight, I had my first session of EMDR with my transgendered therapist. It was so intense that I was yelling and experiencing a wide range of emotions (anger, frustration, sadness, rage - in some cases). I feel safe with my new therapist, but that is largely due to working on lots of other issues with my previous therapist, over the past year.

I had a very rough day today at work, so my therapy session was timely.

I don't really have any expectations for the end result of utilizing EMDR. I just know if the few sessions we have scheduled will bring about some sort of desired result, then I will count it as success. The good news, is that we only do EMDR once a month, because it's very exhausting work.

I feel wiped out, tonight.

Thanks for holding space for me, as I continue the process of achieving some level of healing in my life.

Appreciatively, ~ K.
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Old 09-06-2019, 10:03 AM   #807
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Tonight, I had my first session of EMDR with my transgendered therapist. It was so intense that I was yelling and experiencing a wide range of emotions (anger, frustration, sadness, rage - in some cases). I feel safe with my new therapist, but that is largely due to working on lots of other issues with my previous therapist, over the past year.

I had a very rough day today at work, so my therapy session was timely.

I don't really have any expectations for the end result of utilizing EMDR. I just know if the few sessions we have scheduled will bring about some sort of desired result, then I will count it as success. The good news, is that we only do EMDR once a month, because it's very exhausting work.

I feel wiped out, tonight.

Thanks for holding space for me, as I continue the process of achieving some level of healing in my life.

Appreciatively, ~ K.
I am so glad you have a therapist you trust!

Over the years I have found EMDR very helpful, but it is intense and takes everything out of you. At first, I was not sure it helped, but over time I can tell that the traumas we have worked on blur in my memory. I still know they are there, but they do not hurt me like they did.

I am so proud of you for doing this work and hope it brings the results you need.

Love to you!!!
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Old 09-06-2019, 11:09 AM   #808
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I have found EMDR very helpful, but yes, it does take everything out of me. I have to schedule it at the end of the day. Over time though, when I look back at the traumas I have had EMDR around, I can really tell that my memories are more smoothed out and blurred at the edges. Brain spotting is also very helpful. Have you had that? Its more for if you don't know what exactly is activating your PTSD. EMDR seems more event specific. I have found them both really useful.

I am glad that you went and I hope this gives you the relief you need. I am so thankful for these therapies that can help us function in the world.

Therapist has something new to try next time I go. I used to have this anger inside I could call on when I needed it. and its just gone now. Then dud groped me, I froze and my throat closed up. What the Hell? I used to be tough as nails and now I freaking freeze. Where is that girl? Where is Helga the Prison Guard? (my former nickname at work by my employees) I don't know where she is. We are going to try to find her.

From what I have been told, groper man is not longer at church and they are supposed to have a meeting after church this Sunday to discuss changes in personnel. So I plan to go and see what happens. I have good support I can sit with. I really hope I can get back to it being a safe place for me.

OK, and on the subject of safe places...it just seems daunting and impossible to remove PTSD trigger occurrences. As well as I try to be.

Anyways, love to all of you!
Yeah, I'm still feeling beat from the EMDR. I was supposed to go to the dungeon tonight but I cancelled because I need to be in my own environment. Just quiet. I still feel like I need rest. The nights have been difficult with not a lot of sleep but my mood is generally ok. A little anxiety and the exhaustion but otherwise good.

Last time I did EMDR I did find it ultimately helpful.

I've never heard of brain spotting. I'm glad your therapist has something new that should help you get through this tough incident. I hate losing my anger and fire because of a trigger. I hope you get it back!!

And yes, thank Goddess for these therapist's that help us navigate the world. I really like and trust mine.

I'm so glad that asshole is leaving your church. And that there will be a meeting and that you have good support for it. Sounds like your church is taking this whole thing seriously which gives me heart.

Hope the meeting goes well. Love back to you!!!!

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Originally Posted by Kätzchen View Post
Tonight, I had my first session of EMDR with my transgendered therapist. It was so intense that I was yelling and experiencing a wide range of emotions (anger, frustration, sadness, rage - in some cases). I feel safe with my new therapist, but that is largely due to working on lots of other issues with my previous therapist, over the past year.

I had a very rough day today at work, so my therapy session was timely.

I don't really have any expectations for the end result of utilizing EMDR. I just know if the few sessions we have scheduled will bring about some sort of desired result, then I will count it as success. The good news, is that we only do EMDR once a month, because it's very exhausting work.

I feel wiped out, tonight.

Thanks for holding space for me, as I continue the process of achieving some level of healing in my life.

Appreciatively, ~ K.
Yes, I found my session of EMDR very intense as well. Lots of feelings came up for me and I'm still drained, like I said.

I'm glad you have a therapist you can trust to do this work with. I probably will not be doing EMDR every week either because it really is that intense.

Big sisterly femme hugs!

Oh! I wanted to mention I got a lot of emotions kind of "stuck," that I couldn't get out. Like, I really wanted a good crying jag but nothing would come out. So I'm working on a painting of my adult self with my child self in my safe space. It's going really well.
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Old 09-08-2019, 11:45 AM   #809
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This morning I was going to church, I was happy groper man would not be there. I was getting ready and something said....don't. I don't know if I can go back. UGH. I thought I had found a supportive home. I'm sad. And while I know I had nothing to do with groper's behavior, I feel ashamed and guilty. Well, Groper is back there. I am so glad I did not go today, that I listened to my gut.
Church has always failed me, but I thought maybe this one would be good for me. I may look for another, IDK. Maybe Unitarian.
I am exhausted from being so hyper alert.
Rambling.
Kinda lost. Vaca starts Weds for long weekend. Yay.
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Old 09-09-2019, 08:25 AM   #810
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Just for today, I will breathe calmly and steadily.
Just for today, I will get up and get a glass of water, when I start to feel anxious.
Just for today, I will do everything I can to make tomorrow a calm day too.

Love and

Jenny
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Old 09-09-2019, 09:40 AM   #811
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This morning I was going to church, I was happy groper man would not be there. I was getting ready and something said....don't. I don't know if I can go back. UGH. I thought I had found a supportive home. I'm sad. And while I know I had nothing to do with groper's behavior, I feel ashamed and guilty. Well, Groper is back there. I am so glad I did not go today, that I listened to my gut.
Church has always failed me, but I thought maybe this one would be good for me. I may look for another, IDK. Maybe Unitarian.
I am exhausted from being so hyper alert.
Rambling.
Kinda lost. Vaca starts Weds for long weekend. Yay.
I'm soooo glad you listened to your instincts and didn't go. Sometimes we really do know what's best for us. If the Groper Man is back at your church it is not the church for you. I'm sorry church has always failed you. That's sad.

And NO you did nothing wrong. But I understand how those feelings of guilt and shame crop up. I'm so sorry you're exhausted and feeling lost, too. Glad you have a vacation coming up!!! May you have some good times to take your mind off.

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Just for today, I will breathe calmly and steadily.
Just for today, I will get up and get a glass of water, when I start to feel anxious.
Just for today, I will do everything I can to make tomorrow a calm day too.

Love and

Jenny
I will do this too. I have been out of my anxiety meds over the weekend so I'm kinda losing my shit here. Deep breaths. I have the means to get them this afternoon. Other than that, I will do for myself what I can. Breathing and water are so basic yet we often forget them. <3
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Old 09-09-2019, 11:53 AM   #812
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I will do this too. I have been out of my anxiety meds over the weekend so I'm kinda losing my shit here. Deep breaths. I have the means to get them this afternoon. Other than that, I will do for myself what I can. Breathing and water are so basic yet we often forget them. <3
I hope you get your meds this afternoon. Its so difficult to be out. I know that feeling!

I often forget to breathe too when I am upset or triggered and to drink water...

The other night I was so anxious and a friend suggested I take a bubble bath. I only have a shower, so I showered and scrubbed with salt and lavender. I felt so much better after. I think I am going to make this a part of my routine at least once a week.

May today be peaceful CCB! xoxoxo
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Old 09-09-2019, 03:23 PM   #813
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I hope you get your meds this afternoon. Its so difficult to be out. I know that feeling!

I often forget to breathe too when I am upset or triggered and to drink water...

The other night I was so anxious and a friend suggested I take a bubble bath. I only have a shower, so I showered and scrubbed with salt and lavender. I felt so much better after. I think I am going to make this a part of my routine at least once a week.

May today be peaceful CCB! xoxoxo
I finally am home after errands and have my anxiety meds in me. I'm doing a lot better. I am remember to breathe and have some sage incense going.

I had a similar shower experience yesterday. I usually rush through them only when I need to because I find them incredibly triggering. But I recently decided to take back that space and redecorated and got some nice shower products. I took a shower for the first time I can remember in forever because I wanted the nice experience and not because I had to. I put music on and took my time with a nice exfoliating apricot soap and fancy shampoo and conditioner I treated myself to at the salon. I took my time and resisted the urge to just rush through the experience. It felt really good to take care of my body. I am definitely making a point of doing that more.

I hope you are having a peaceful day, too, ((((Apoc))))
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Old 09-09-2019, 03:26 PM   #814
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I know that everyone has problems. I knew that at least some of my friends here have had particularly bad ones. I hadn't realised, until looking to see what someone I know had posted here had said, that so many of you had had such intense personal traumas that affected you so badly. Such personal attacks on the self, I mean, as against the still bad and upsetting but more "diffuse" stuff that some of us have to cope with, like having the wrong mindset to fully comprehend the bureaucracy of the world, which can still be damned upsetting, but isn't aimed at the individual nor is it done by an individual.

I am so sorry to learn this of you, my adorable sisters, known to me or not! May deity grant you the strength to get through your bad times and reach a happier state!

Much love and hugs to you all,

Esme xxx
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Old 09-09-2019, 07:17 PM   #815
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I finally am home after errands and have my anxiety meds in me. I'm doing a lot better. I am remember to breathe and have some sage incense going.

I had a similar shower experience yesterday. I usually rush through them only when I need to because I find them incredibly triggering. But I recently decided to take back that space and redecorated and got some nice shower products. I took a shower for the first time I can remember in forever because I wanted the nice experience and not because I had to. I put music on and took my time with a nice exfoliating apricot soap and fancy shampoo and conditioner I treated myself to at the salon. I took my time and resisted the urge to just rush through the experience. It felt really good to take care of my body. I am definitely making a point of doing that more.

I hope you are having a peaceful day, too, ((((Apoc))))
What a great plan for taking back the shower! I think I will add music next time too

Maybe that's the key, to sometimes take back some of the things we fear. Maybe we even take them back with cute stuff we love. Hmmmmmm. something to think on.

Glad you got anxiety meds. I get anxious if I am low on them sometimes.
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Old 09-09-2019, 07:18 PM   #816
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I know that everyone has problems. I knew that at least some of my friends here have had particularly bad ones. I hadn't realised, until looking to see what someone I know had posted here had said, that so many of you had had such intense personal traumas that affected you so badly. Such personal attacks on the self, I mean, as against the still bad and upsetting but more "diffuse" stuff that some of us have to cope with, like having the wrong mindset to fully comprehend the bureaucracy of the world, which can still be damned upsetting, but isn't aimed at the individual nor is it done by an individual.

I am so sorry to learn this of you, my adorable sisters, known to me or not! May deity grant you the strength to get through your bad times and reach a happier state!

Much love and hugs to you all,

Esme xxx
Esme, you are a sweet darlink! Thank you so much for your support! xoxoxoxo
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Old 09-10-2019, 09:56 PM   #817
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I know that everyone has problems. I knew that at least some of my friends here have had particularly bad ones. I hadn't realised, until looking to see what someone I know had posted here had said, that so many of you had had such intense personal traumas that affected you so badly. Such personal attacks on the self, I mean, as against the still bad and upsetting but more "diffuse" stuff that some of us have to cope with, like having the wrong mindset to fully comprehend the bureaucracy of the world, which can still be damned upsetting, but isn't aimed at the individual nor is it done by an individual.

I am so sorry to learn this of you, my adorable sisters, known to me or not! May deity grant you the strength to get through your bad times and reach a happier state!

Much love and hugs to you all,

Esme xxx
Thank you for the support. ((((Esme)))))

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What a great plan for taking back the shower! I think I will add music next time too

Maybe that's the key, to sometimes take back some of the things we fear. Maybe we even take them back with cute stuff we love. Hmmmmmm. something to think on.

Glad you got anxiety meds. I get anxious if I am low on them sometimes.
**TRIGGER WARNING** Talk of medication and reference to childhood sexual abuse.




Yes, having the meds is as important as the other stuff. Sometimes i forget they even work because I have so much residual anxiety, but then I run out and I realize.

I took another shower with music today before therapy. It wasn't quite as good as Sunday's, because I felt I "had" to shower but it also wasn't triggering the way pre-bathroom-takeback showers were.

I redid the bathroom because I realized the tile in the shower was the EXACT same color as the tile in the bathroom I was systematically abused in as a child. I found I couldn't stop staring at the tile and having intrusive memories and flashbacks. I even picked out a shower curtain that matched the tile. I don't know why it took me so long to realize...

Anyway. I threw away that damn shower curtain and ordered a beautiful mermaid one, mermaid decals for the inside of the shower, bright blue beautiful towels that perfectly match the mermaid's hair, and an over the toilet storage unit. I also want to get some nice candles when I can. It made SUCH a difference to my life to reclaim that space.

I was avoiding showers, cleaning the bathroom, even using it. Id hold it until the last possible second. It was no way to live. It hasn't been magic but it, along with my work in therapy, has made a huge difference.

I had a good therapy session today and feel like I am doing good trauma work. I didn't do EMDR but did a very successful visualization. I like the way my therapist is letting me take the lead right now but is also a really good support.
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Old 09-12-2019, 05:13 AM   #818
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I had a choice of an EMDR therapist or a CBT one and i went with the one i had heard of.

I like my CBT therapist and i want to keep seeing her but i need her to lay off on me changing jobs.

She feels like my acceptance of homophobia at my job is a symptom of my trauma, but i kind of feel like her viewpoint is a little straight-privileged.

Like there are not enough non-homophobic jobs for every queer person to have one, I'm sorry. Homophobic workplaces are a daily reality for tons of us. I need her to help me live with that in a damage-controlled way. I do not need the victim-blaming that says my staying at my job is part of my illness.

Like, there are only 22 jobs in my field in the entire state. Only 16 of them are local to me. Only five of those are within sight of my level of experience, and all five of those would require pay cuts of 25-30%

Like, i am looking! I look every day! But it could be years before there is an appropriate opening for which i am the best candidate.

That is not me participating in my own trauma, that is me trying not to waste the very expensive education i am still paying for while existing in fucking Texas
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Old 09-12-2019, 10:10 PM   #819
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I dunno. I saw my new therapist tonight; second time I've seen my therapist (she's transgendered). I felt like we were quietly crossing swords, for lack of a better description. I don't like it when I feel like I'm having to 'cross swords' with anyone. I usually shut down. And I did. I feel pretty quiet tonight, but I will go next week, then take a couple of weeks off. I'm not quite sold on the idea of EMDR. One session, plus today's follow-up session of regular therapy is not exactly enough of an idea to know it's gonna help.

But I want to follow through with the commitment I've committed to for the next 12 weeks. I'll see if I can fairly assess if it's making a difference (in a positive direction) and if not, then I will discontinue this type of therapeutic treatment.

<<<<<<<<-- terribly tired tonight, emotionally exhausted. One shouldn't have to defend their self in therapy, is what I'm mulling over.
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Old 09-13-2019, 10:54 AM   #820
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I dunno. I saw my new therapist tonight; second time I've seen my therapist (she's transgendered). I felt like we were quietly crossing swords, for lack of a better description. I don't like it when I feel like I'm having to 'cross swords' with anyone. I usually shut down. And I did. I feel pretty quiet tonight, but I will go next week, then take a couple of weeks off. I'm not quite sold on the idea of EMDR. One session, plus today's follow-up session of regular therapy is not exactly enough of an idea to know it's gonna help.

But I want to follow through with the commitment I've committed to for the next 12 weeks. I'll see if I can fairly assess if it's making a difference (in a positive direction) and if not, then I will discontinue this type of therapeutic treatment.

<<<<<<<<-- terribly tired tonight, emotionally exhausted. One shouldn't have to defend their self in therapy, is what I'm mulling over.
You are absolutely right Katzchen! They should be there for you and listen/direct. You most definitely should not feel like you have to defend anything in therapy. I
I hope it turns around for you and if not just keep stepping. Apologies for the lack of dots over your “a”. (Umlaut)
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