Friends of Bill W.

[LeftWriteFemme]

April 11



The Key You See


The key you see is letting you, accept me. Oh, how I hide from that, run from that, flee from that. I must be in control of what you think of me. I curtain off the view of me I don’t wish to share with you. Add to that the unusual choices of what I hide. I will strip down with all the lights blazing long before I would let you see me drop the ball, be confused, misunderstand. What I truly fail to realize is that in the process of trying to hide my faux pas and fumbles; what I show you is my controlling ass. Backside bare I moon you with my freak show trying to hide my humanity. Your compassion and tolerant waiting for me to calm down and open my eyes is the key I fail to see about you.





Learn the difference between area and circumference


*

RANK

I took an area level service position
And my sponsor laughed herself off her chair

What is your motivation for this? she asked
I want to move up through the service structure, my reply

Are you trying to make rank?
Problem with that? I ask

Ever heard of self-fulfilling prophecy
You will become what you desire

You will become rank
And you will stink

The triangle is inverted to help you clean up your act
Don’t get washed away in a tide of ego

I put down my swim fins
And removed my epilates

[nanners]

Originally Posted by LeftWriteFemme

April 11



The Key You See


The key you see is letting you, accept me. Oh, how I hide from that, run from that, flee from that. I must be in control of what you think of me. I curtain off the view of me I don’t wish to share with you. Add to that the unusual choices of what I hide. I will strip down with all the lights blazing long before I would let you see me drop the ball, be confused, misunderstand. What I truly fail to realize is that in the process of trying to hide my faux pas and fumbles; what I show you is my controlling ass. Backside bare I moon you with my freak show trying to hide my humanity. Your compassion and tolerant waiting for me to calm down and open my eyes is the key I fail to see about you.

Wow, thank you Sherrie! This one really resonated with me. Especially about someone I am trying to let go of in my life (and actually doing pretty well with currently).

In other news, yesterday was a struggle for me with working a 10 hour day and being so tired, literally exhausted at the end of the day and I had obsessive thoughts about eating sweet things. My HP works in great way though, I have to say! I got a text from someone else in my home meeting telling me she had a good day and stayed away from sugar! We text back and forth until I felt better and was actually laughing. I had a healthy dinner and went right to bed....my 5th sugar free day completed!

Thank you for being here my friends!Today will be better!

Originally Posted by nanners

Wow, thank you Sherrie! This one really resonated with me. Especially about someone I am trying to let go of in my life (and actually doing pretty well with currently).

In other news, yesterday was a struggle for me with working a 10 hour day and being so tired, literally exhausted at the end of the day and I had obsessive thoughts about eating sweet things. My HP works in great way though, I have to say! I got a text from someone else in my home meeting telling me she had a good day and stayed away from sugar! We text back and forth until I felt better and was actually laughing. I had a healthy dinner and went right to bed....my 5th sugar free day completed!

Thank you for being here my friends!Today will be better!

I'm with you on our wonderful Sherrie words today nanners. These are the couple of sentences that do it for me

"What I truly fail to realize is that in the process of trying to hide my faux pas and fumbles; what I show you is my controlling ass. Backside bare I moon you with my freak show trying to hide my humanity."

Yay! on your 5th day abstinent.

I've been working hard on remaining surrendered in the way I need to remain surrendered to the programme. It's sure paying off. Although I'm waiting on a call from my sponsor so we can talk about the feelings that bubbled up at last night's meeting...........oh noooo feelings

Looking forward to taking a young member up to an 'illness in recovery' meeting tonight. Having flagged up to the chair that we'd be coming along, I got roped in to share. Oh dear. It can only be better than last week's birthday drivel.

“A new idea cannot be grafted onto a closed mind... Open-mindedness leads us to the very insights that have eluded us during our lives.” basic text p.96

[LeftWriteFemme]

April 12

My Experiences with Tennis

I have held the racket, I have hit the ball, but I have never played with a partner. I have slammed the fuzzy orb against the wall for long years now, but I have never had a mate. There were times when I had opponents; yes I’ve had a couple of those, a collaborator though, that I have never had. I have learned to overcome opposition either through wile or guile. Slugged my way toward some inevitable outcome, I never expected you on my court. The game we play is for keeps and the muscles required I have never used, I ache from the pain of ending an atrophy imposed on me by isolation and misunderstanding. Often I don’t know how to stand, don’t know how to act; don’t know how to be the equal to your service. I play chase, running after the thing I didn’t see and only faintly felt. I have come to the place where I know, you and I are a team; you will not be leaving looking for someone better equipped or with greater experience. It is time for me to lay out in front of you my host of tendencies and inclinations. I’m in the habit of overwhelming with my strength to hide my weakness; I must expose this all to you, the strength and the weakness, and work together for the resolution. I will no longer pretend that I know what is right and wrong in this un-played game. I fear that I will lose the old game by making this change, all that is familiar put up for grabs to the uncertain outcome of paired sports. All I truly know is that with you by my side I can never lose and I will learn to do whatever it takes to be your wife.


Dream with an open mind
*

SOLIDITY

Apprehension stands in the archaeological site
Which is my life -----listening
Listening for the rumble of a cement truck to come
And help solidify the shifting and tenuous nature of my existence

A wet and sloppy solution
A solution to be raked and smoothed, covered and cured
Something to build a monument on
Or a place to park my car

The nearby grass looks lush and green
But I dare not leave apprehension alone or it spreads
I stand with it on bad days
And against it on good ones

I pray for the mixer to arrive
Or at least the gravel spreader
I need to fill this hole so it can be a life
And stop being a grave.

[nanners]

Once again, Sherrie, you did it. You touched my very inner self that I do not share easily with anyone with today's post. Thank you so much for sharing with all of us.

There is a reason why all this time since I've been registered I was not really reading/posting on the planet, and all of a sudden I started up about a month ago...in that time I have joined two 12 step programs, worked most of the steps, become a much better woman, and actually feel so much better about my life in general. I was not ready to be here when I registered, but I am now. This thread is where I feel good, and have friends who get it, get me.

To those that read this thread, thank you for being here. I feel so blessed.

[LeftWriteFemme]

April 13




Neither Frog nor Fish

I was falling and my Higher Power caught me in a net called AA, all of which was a pretty neat trick, but the strangest consequence of this is now I somehow think it shouldn’t be possible for me to drown. Defying gravity 24 hours at a time doesn’t make me aquatic or even amphibious for that matter. I still have all the corollary restrictions of anyone who is me. I still need sleep and water, food and warmth just like a mere mortal. How silly I am. I dodge a bullet and suddenly I think I am waterproof.



Don’t exchange your trinkets for your tools


*


WHAMMO

I have been hopping on one foot
With a ball of hope shoved under one arm
And a ball of hysteria under the other

I wish I could tell from the outside of the ball
Which one is hope- I worry I will put down the wrong one
So I hold onto both

My life is sorely limited by the baggage
And I fear I am losing life with every hop
A lack of information is my problem

I don't adequately know the properties of either
And suspect my every interpretation
Finally I stand before my sponsor

To ask the question of my life- That's easy Honey
Hope is the one that bounces back
Is all she had to say

[LeftWriteFemme]

April 14




Who to Ask

“You ask good questions and you ask the right people,” said my sponsor.
“I ask questions because I need answers,” my reply.
“Do you know how many people need answers and never ask?” she quipped.
“I ask my friends, no stroke of genius there,” I continue.
“You ask your playmates, you ask the people you trust enough to have fun with. You don’t realize how clever that is. You know lots of folks who work hard and you could ask your questions of these, but instead you save them for those diligent ones who still know how to play and that, Sweetie Pie is proof that you are no dummy.”





You may mute your horn, but don’t soap your bow


*


CRUMPLED PETALS IN MY POCKET

I can't bring back the bloom
Cohesion, lost ripeness
Is left only to memory

I carry home the parts
Folded, petite, fragrant bedding
For my wistful desires

I put these colored remnants into a jar of salt
I make an aromatic rub
For the sweetest wounds

Transforming the parts to useful duty
Doesn't restore the flower
It doesn't pay tribute to the past, it is survival

I have a mind filled with roses but I must make hay
Today I live, today the rose is dead
Its pieces in my pocket

I don't die with the blossom
Though my head blows in the wind
The rose runs its course, I run mine.

I gots me some spiritual malady all over the place today.

Uncomfortable feelings up the wazoo!

Feeling nuts!

[nanners]

Originally Posted by Daktari

I gots me some spiritual malady all over the place today.

Uncomfortable feelings up the wazoo!

Feeling nuts!

(((Daktari)))
I hope your day gets better. Maybe a call to your sponsor, or a little reading in the big book? Please be gentle with yourself.

Originally Posted by nanners

(((Daktari)))
I hope your day gets better. Maybe a call to your sponsor, or a little reading in the big book? Please be gentle with yourself.

Thanks ever so for responding nanners.

I've been phoning addicts today but it's a family day for many and no-one's free as yet. M'sponsor will be free to speak a little later this evening thankfully.

So, to make m'self feel better I'm gonna get outta these four maddening walls at home and go try write my journal and do some step writing whilst enjoying a fancy schmancy coffee in town.

Reading some recovery literature would be good too, thanks for reminding me.

It's that being gentle with ourselves that's so hard to do when all we/I want to do is punish myself for being such a numpty and so selfish.

[KCBUTCH]

Originally Posted by Daktari

I gots me some spiritual malady all over the place today.

Uncomfortable feelings up the wazoo!

Feeling nuts!

Just hold on- they will pass try a mtg or calling a newcomer
it always helps me
maybe some writing to let some of what is on your mind go

[KCBUTCH]

finally doing a 4th step on my break up I've put it off for months using sexual seeking as a pleasant distraction, but now I have to come to terms with the fact that the distraction is more harmful than the the step work
I need to face myself so I can move forward without risking anymore serenity or my recovery
crying a lot of course
pausing in between columns
this is tough
having listed everything has been hurt or threatened
so it goes
was a memorial yesterday and saw an ex
seemed to catapult the loss into a place that needs addressing
was at least able to be of service that helped
woke up feeling sick- probably emotional hangover
Help me be willing to be willing to heal so I can be of greater service to you and my fellows

[SuddenlyWestFemme]

Originally Posted by KCBUTCH

finally doing a 4th step on my break up

Yes, that was the hardest for me. Years ago, I was told that if you do a daily 10, you won't have to do another 4. I've done quite a few 4's since being told that... because I have so many memory lapses about 10. Ugh. lol.

And my most recent 4th (on my ex) was necessary but not fun. I suggest lots of meetings while going through it. And the great news is that it really did make most of the resentments ago away. And I got to look at what I really want in a future partner which gave me a sense of hope and joy.

Good luck. And hopefully you won't have to do as many 4th steps as I've had to. And thanks for your post. It made me realize that I have to get back to my daily 10.

[KCBUTCH]

Originally Posted by SuddenlyWestFemme

Yes, that was the hardest for me. Years ago, I was told that if you do a daily 10, you won't have to do another 4. I've done quite a few 4's since being told that... because I have so many memory lapses about 10. Ugh. lol.

And my most recent 4th (on my ex) was necessary but not fun. I suggest lots of meetings while going through it. And the great news is that it really did make most of the resentments ago away. And I got to look at what I really want in a future partner which gave me a sense of hope and joy.

Good luck. And hopefully you won't have to do as many 4th steps as I've had to. And thanks for your post. It made me realize that I have to get back to my daily 10.

OH yes I have done many of 4th's myself
needed ones to many one the relationship now gone long before it was gone
thanks for your honesty about the resentments- I need to know the truth.

but more importantly I know too if i dont begin to look at my part- I cannot make room to heal those parts to be a better me and now what I will want in the future in a partner and as a partner

I have increased my mtgs over the last 4 months since the relationship ended thanks for the reminder though
-KC

[nanners]

I've been thinking...when I am ready to start dating, I will make it a point to try to date someone who is in recovery and doing at least fairly well. I think knowing and following the 12 step program is such a healthy thing to do, and would always help a relationship. At least next time I start dating someone, I will be able to see the red flags much, much sooner having at least a year's recovery time or more. I am excited about the person I have become, and am becoming thru the power of the program and my own hard work. It's certainly not easy, but it is worthwhile, and life saving work.

Happy Monday my friends!

[LeftWriteFemme]

April 15


Chickens and Eggs


Who is more sober the early riser or the long-timer? How do we get here and what does it mean. It all starts with a day, which is good because this is more than we had hoped for, sometimes more than we could do. Then it moved into an ever escalating game of can you beat this, each day an improvement over what had been accomplished the day before. For years the standard bearer is the pain or relief of the very first in this string, orbs of 24, yet here stands the question, “Is the essence the last pearl you touch or the total of the strand, which makes it real?” I don’t know for sure. Sobriety is like light; is light made up of waves or is it made up of particles and the answer is invariably yes, for it is. And what you need and how you look at it seems to make the determination, scientific method or no, the watched is affected by the watcher and vice versa. The end is a day round and imperfect as any and what is strung between the beginning and the end is what you’ve made of it.




Never underestimate bitterness

*

ESCAPING THROUGH THE CEILING

Up and away is my motto
Upwardly mobile is my goal

If I can flee without leaving a track
I'm clean

No heart wrenching walk down the isle or lane
No dust on my shoes, no possibility of stumbling

Grace at all cost
Empowerment through elevation

If I must leave my human plane to attain this, so be it
Give up my natural rights, such is life

But yet, if I lose my bonds to earth
What did the leaving gain me?

I arise, to appear better
As a result, I appear not at all

<<<doesn't wanna date another recovery nutter

Thanks for your suggestions Kc; I did those things - reaching out to other addicts, journal writing, a long chat with the ever patient Ms.Sponse., and made a start on step 4 writings...one question completed is better than no questions completed.

Wouldn't ya know it, all that action helped

It became apparent through doing step three writings that action, and the discipline to act, is the key to it all. A simple notion that took so long for this complicated being to 'get it'.

SuddenlyWestFemme ..memory lapses about step 10

I'm so grateful that folks are coming here and sharing. I sometimes feel so alone in my area as there are precisely 4 other gay folks...none of whom ID as queer and none of whom seem to have any concept at all of butch/femme dynamics...not that they need to but it just contributes to the notion that there's no-one like me in my area. A little identification with folks who really are like me makes a whole load of difference.

Thanks y'all

[SuddenlyWestFemme]

Originally Posted by Daktari

SuddenlyWestFemme ..memory lapses about step 10

I have those same lapses on 11 as well. I will be going along with daily meditation and then suddenly one day I wake up and realize it's been over a month since I meditated and no recollection of how that happened. Hence, I still need meetings after 20 years.

Originally Posted by SuddenlyWestFemme

I have those same lapses on 11 as well. I will be going along with daily meditation and then suddenly one day I wake up and realize it's been over a month since I meditated and no recollection of how that happened. Hence, I still need meetings after 20 years.

It's always good to hear that folks with much time in the programme have the same struggles as those of us in our first couple of years.

I like finding out that folks with 20 and 30yrs clean/sober still do step work. What comes after Step 12?...Step one of course

Complacency is a killer isn't it? If we don't keep actively working on our programme then we're buggered!

Feeling all powered up from tonight's meeting. I don't think it was any con-incidence that on this gloriously sunny evening it was a small meeting No matter though, it was a wonderful small meeting.

It was fabbalus to acknowledge our lovely treasurer G's 6yr and new dood M's 30 day clean times during our clean-time countdown tonight.

It was awesome to see just how stoked young M was with himself at not only reaching 30 days but managing to get through a few really dark days of the soul in this last week without using.
I love it when ya see newcomers 'get it'

[LeftWriteFemme]

April 16




Not Fur but Fin

You can’t delay the river, I’ve tried, all it does is distort. I block the flow and swamp ensues, mighty oaks waist deep in water. The current is strong and I fear being swept away, not realizing I was born to swim. Dreading the swim back for spawn I try to stay too close to my origins, never make it to open water, never to live the life I was intended for. I’ve heard it said, “Don’t push the river it flows by itself,” but I can’t stall it either.









Line up the little endearments offered you


*

FEEDING THE MONSTER

Who will feed the monster, once they’ve made her?
Her hunger burns in her like a beacon
Should I let her starve?
Should I put her on rations of old crust and tepid water?

Rebuke her as if she were her own idea
Possibly bind her hands and cover her eyes
Stand her in line with the good girls and fit her in
Turn her visage from her desire and tell her to forget?

Hold her hand and tell her that’s enough?
When I stand in the face of her yawning hunger
What do I say---It's for your own good?
Well that's what THEY said too.