Lesbian bed death?

Kobi · 01-30-2011, 03:12 PM

Lesbian bed death has been called a myth by some, and been experienced as a reality by others.

But what is it really and what causes us to lose sexual interest? I am not referring to the peaks and flows that occur in sex in relationships. I am asking what has a negative impact on our willingness to be sexual with someone while in a relationship with them.

In my experience, a deteriorating sexual relationship is mirroring a failing personal relationship. Hard to feel sexual when the relationship isnt working for you the way it used to. And sometimes it is hard to know if that is a correctable problem or an uncorrectable one.

Medical/physical problems, stress, and other things can contribute to the issue.

I'm wondering what others experiences might be.

girl_dee · 01-30-2011, 07:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kobi

Lesbian bed death has been called a myth by some, and been experienced as a reality by others.

But what is it really and what causes us to lose sexual interest? I am not referring to the peaks and flows that occur in sex in relationships. I am asking what has a negative impact on our willingness to be sexual with someone while in a relationship with them.

In my experience, a deteriorating sexual relationship is mirroring a failing personal relationship. Hard to feel sexual when the relationship isnt working for you the way it used to. And sometimes it is hard to know if that is a correctable problem or an uncorrectable one.

Medical/physical problems, stress, and other things can contribute to the issue.

I'm wondering what others experiences might be.

I guess I don't see the correlation with this *syndrome* and lesbianism...this could happen in any relationship.

Medical problems and stress are just the beginning, there are a host of other reasons why people lose interest, most of which I feel are personal between the two partners.

Once certain damage is done, the sex interest drops... I have to feel I am desired and more important than anything else in order to have interest. In this day and age, between addictions including the internet, and everything else being more important, intimacy and creativity in the bedroom go down the drain.

Gotta make each other a priority in life....

Just my .02 worth.

DapperButch · 01-30-2011, 08:36 PM

Most frequent to least frequent sex (many studies show)

1) male/male

2) female/male

3) female/female

The thought is testosterone = higher levels of sexual desire. The thought is that females need to have a positive emotional connection with their partner in order to desire sex ( or rather, females have more of a need for there to be no tension in the relationship in order to desire sex), more so than males. So, if you have two females together and there are difficulties in the relationship, less chance of sex happening than the other two couplings.

------------

My personal thoughts:

Lesbian bed death? = problem in relationship. Does it exist? Well, everyone's (all couplings) frequency in sexual relations decreases over time, so if female/female are having less sex to begin with, it makes sense that it could drop to zero, especially if there are problems in the relationship.

My opinion is that bed death could happen in any coupling if there are problems in the relationship.

Of course health impacts all this, as well.

waxnrope · 01-31-2011, 08:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DapperButch

Most frequent to least frequent sex (many studies show)

1) male/male

2) female/male

3) female/female

The thought is testosterone = higher levels of sexual desire. The thought is that females need to have a positive emotional connection with their partner in order to desire sex ( or rather, females have more of a need for there to be no tension in the relationship in order to desire sex), more so than males. So, if you have two females together and there are difficulties in the relationship, less chance of sex happening than the other two couplings.

------------

My personal thoughts:

Lesbian bed death? = problem in relationship. Does it exist? Well, everyone's (all couplings) frequency in sexual relations decreases over time, so if female/female are having less sex to begin with, it makes sense that it could drop to zero, especially if there are problems in the relationship.

My opinion is that bed death could happen in any coupling if there are problems in the relationship.

Of course health impacts all this, as well.

Hey Dapper, please cite the source of this. Thanks

The_Lady_Snow · 01-31-2011, 08:32 PM

I gotta be honest, the bed often looks like "death bed" when I'm on my period.

That count!?

DapperButch · 01-31-2011, 10:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by waxnrope

Hey Dapper, please cite the source of this. Thanks

http://www.webmd.com/sex/features/se...-women-compare

Not tough to find. The first one google came up with.

But, who cares, anyway? Meaning, it isn't a BAD thing if that is the case. It is ok if there truly is some differences between the sexes based on biology. I think that so many of us (me included), spend a lot of time trying to prove their is no differences, as if that is a bad thing.

And getting back to the topic, certainly not all women have a lower sex drive than all men. It is individual. But as a whole, yes... men tend to desire sex more often and have more sex than women do. Is this truly new for people?

Do you think that transmen are lying when they say that their sex drive went up after starting testosterone? Do you think this is just all in their heads or something?

BullDog · 01-31-2011, 10:17 PM

What's not new to me is all the perpetuation of myths about lesbians and women's sexuality.

citybutch · 01-31-2011, 11:45 PM

Perhaps I am too tired... but I see nothing in this article that indicates:

"Most frequent to least frequent sex (many studies show)

1) male/male

2) female/male

3) female/female "

What I do see is that mens libido's are more active than females and females sexuality is more fluid... neither of which indicates gay men have longer lasting sexual relationships (and more frequent) than lesbians.... It just says we express it differently...

What I found on Google... (which is by no means scientific)... is something more along the lines of:

"In biology and psychology, the Coolidge effect is a phenomenon—seen in nearly every mammalian species in which it has been tested—whereby both males and females exhibit continuous high sexual performance given the introduction of new receptive partners" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coolidge_effect

...that, in fact, reduced sexual activity is common with all types of couples.. The one study that I found that talked about Lesbian Bed Death and claimed the above "hierarchy" of sexual activity was highly criticized....

The fact is... no matter what kind of relationship one is in... intimacy is hard to maintain when so much of life such as work, career, school, stress, homeownership, children, family concerns, finances, etc etc etc... comes to the forefront. Any one of us can maintain a high level of sexual stimulation when we are in the initial first stages of knowing someone... Prolonged ongoing intimacy takes commitment... and yes, sometimes work... It means taking the relationship seriously enough to prioritize intimacy ... and discovering ways to express it.

Hollywood sells us a load of goods... "falling in love and living happily ever after.." You know, the story where the young couple is highly energized and magnetized towards each other... and then the movie ends with them walking into bliss... forever after. In fact, it really isn't that way at all... It takes focus, patience, strategy, respect, communication, love, and a mutual awareness that intimacy is important to both of you... and that you are both exactly where you want to be... Almost everyone I know in real time is in a long term relationship... and whether they are straight, gay, lesbian, or otherwise identified, we all talk about this the same way... and yes, we do discuss it with our gay male friends as well...

Quote:

Originally Posted by DapperButch

http://www.webmd.com/sex/features/se...-women-compare

Not tough to find. The first one google came up with.

But, who cares, anyway? Meaning, it isn't a BAD thing if that is the case. It is ok if there truly is some differences between the sexes based on biology. I think that so many of us (me included), spend a lot of time trying to prove their is no differences, as if that is a bad thing.

And getting back to the topic, certainly not all women have a lower sex drive than all men. It is individual. But as a whole, yes... men tend to desire sex more often and have more sex than women do. Is this truly new for people?

Do you think that transmen are lying when they say that their sex drive went up after starting testosterone? Do you think this is just all in their heads or something?

bigbutchmistie · 01-30-2011, 08:44 PM

First off let me say I have never experienced this for myelf. But have watched friends who are coupled do so...

For me, I believe sex is a part of intimacy with one's partner. I I cant make love with my partner, then for me I dont think I could be with someone.

I have watched a friend stay with a woman for years and years without any sex just cause she loved her. The woman stayed severely depressed and one day, my friend couldnt take it any more and left.

I think we are all different in what we will accept and what we wont. As I stated above, I cannot imagine not making love, no intimacy. Not expresssing that love.

Like Audrey Hepburn said, I was born with an incredible need for affection and an even greater need to give it.

If I was in a relationship if that was gone, so would I... I would still remain a friend. But, I would require more than just that.... Just my two cents

iamkeri1 · 01-30-2011, 11:09 PM

I never thought of it the way DapperButch explained it, but it does make sense.

I have wondered about this phenomonon for some time since I have a good friend who has been in a sex-free relationship for years. Also this phenomenon seems to have a more frequent occurrence among female-female relationships. (Or at least we are willling to talk about it while others are not.) One factor that I believe may be involved is this: we are exposed to a lot of negative input from society at large, our parents, our kids, our employers and coworkers etc. I think it is possible with some individuals that this negative input builds up over time and the resultant guilt makes it harder to feel good about having sex. Add to that the belief still lingering around in the world that women aren't supposed to like sex and that "good girls" are not sexually aggressive. Crap - when I think about it like that, its a wonder that ANY of us have sex. LOL.

Speaks well for our inner strength, doesn't it?

Smooches,
Keri

JustJo · 01-31-2011, 07:03 PM

Hello all

I was going to post last night, but was so tired that I doubted I could form a coherent sentence. As I lay in bed I thought...funny...I'm too exhausted for posting, but not for sex...so, at least for me, physical tiredness has nothing to do with it.

I've been interested to read the comments here...don't agree necessarily, but interested just the same.

Let's see...for me, intimacy and sex are totally different things. I can have one without the other. I generally don't...but I can.

It isn't a lack of testosterone....I'm definitely not flooded with that, but I have a stronger sex drive than "normal" (men included).

And it isn't about a negative image or disapproval from the larger culture, because I didn't get the normal "sex is bad/dirty" messaging that many women get growing up, and I don't care what anyone thinks...and, also, I've had the same phenomenon happen in relationships with bio-men as well.

So....what is it then, for me?

A few things can happen....if I am angry, or feel attacked, or undervalued...then I don't feel sexual. I feel defensive or hurt, and those don't lead to either sexual desire or the feeling of desirability, value and safety that I need to want sex. That's the most common...

I've heard of people in long-term (as in years) relationships without sex...not only lesbian relationships, but also hetero relationships. I was in one for almost 2 years, and the lack of sexual connection killed the relationship. For me, sex is a crucial part. No, I don't have a particular timetable or act or *fill in the blank* that must happen...I'm not that rigid...but there has to be a sexual connection and a spark. As I've said in these forums before....if our bed is only for sleeping, then I'm an unhappy woman.

Here's what happens in my head...I am intimate with my best friend. I love her. She loves me. We know everything (and I do mean every thing) about each other. I have held her hand in the hospital. She has clipped my toenails when I was pregnant and couldn't reach them anymore. I have helped her check the "what the hell is that?" in a place she couldn't see. We are closer than most sisters. We think alike. We even look a bit alike. But we do not have a sexual spark with each other.

If I am in a love relationship, and our sex life dies, then I start to feel about you (general you) the way I do about her. There may be love. There may be intimacy. But suddenly we are sisters or friends....and it isn't the same. I don't plan my future with my friend, as much as I love her. I don't want to spend every night wrapped in her arms, as much as she loves me.

For me, there has to be more than love...more than intimacy...more than companionship...more than shared values....more than a shared residence.

BullDog · 01-31-2011, 07:55 PM

I have known of plenty of heterosexual relationships (testosterone included) where there was little if any sex- "bed death." But there is no term called heterosexual bed death. There's no term called gay men bed death.

Women have lower sex drives than men- I think that's a huge myth. Not everyone needs testosterone or a penis to want or enjoy sex.

betenoire · 01-31-2011, 08:21 PM

I think that for queer women our sexuality is a bit more hard-won than for straight women. While, yes, being queer IS something that just happened - knowing it and what it means ISN'T something that just happens. There's work and there's thought there. Because of that I don't think that we buy into a lot of the myths and fake-rules about sex that people who haven't had to really fight/learn MAY often buy into.

Nobody is going to tell me that I have to have sex with my spouse. Nobody is going to tell me that it's my wifely duty to have sex with my spouse when I don't feel like it. Nobody is going to make me feel guilty for not having sex with my spouse when I am mad/hurt/annoyed/have a toothache/tired/whatever. My sexuality just comes with far too much self-awareness for me to fall for any of that bullshit.

So IF and ONLY IF female-female couples are fucking less often 5/10/15 years into the relationship than their male-female couple counterparts (and that's a big if, I don't know that I buy that) - that's the reason. Because we are fortunate enough to know that we are ALLOWED to not fuck.

Some women don't know that they have that choice.

Toughy · 01-31-2011, 08:21 PM

Quote:

Most frequent to least frequent sex (many studies show)

1) male/male

2) female/male

3) female/female

The thought is testosterone = higher levels of sexual desire. The thought is that females need to have a positive emotional connection with their partner in order to desire sex ( or rather, females have more of a need for there to be no tension in the relationship in order to desire sex), more so than males. So, if you have two females together and there are difficulties in the relationship, less chance of sex happening than the other two couplings.

Whose thoughts??

Did this come from The Onion?????

must be satire.......has to be satire.......

DapperButch · 01-31-2011, 10:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BullDog

I have known of plenty of heterosexual relationships (testosterone included) where there was little if any sex- "bed death." But there is no term called heterosexual bed death. There's no term called gay men bed death.

Women have lower sex drives than men- I think that's a huge myth. Not everyone needs testosterone or a penis to want or enjoy sex.

Red highlighted statement - Did someone say that here? Yes, I agree that this would be a bit ludicrous to think. After all, females do desire sex. Side note, females have testosterone, too, just less of it than males.

Sev · 12-25-2012, 02:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JustJo

Hello all

I was going to post last night, but was so tired that I doubted I could form a coherent sentence. As I lay in bed I thought...funny...I'm too exhausted for posting, but not for sex...so, at least for me, physical tiredness has nothing to do with it.

I've been interested to read the comments here...don't agree necessarily, but interested just the same.

Let's see...for me, intimacy and sex are totally different things. I can have one without the other. I generally don't...but I can.

It isn't a lack of testosterone....I'm definitely not flooded with that, but I have a stronger sex drive than "normal" (men included).

And it isn't about a negative image or disapproval from the larger culture, because I didn't get the normal "sex is bad/dirty" messaging that many women get growing up, and I don't care what anyone thinks...and, also, I've had the same phenomenon happen in relationships with bio-men as well.

So....what is it then, for me?

A few things can happen....if I am angry, or feel attacked, or undervalued...then I don't feel sexual. I feel defensive or hurt, and those don't lead to either sexual desire or the feeling of desirability, value and safety that I need to want sex. That's the most common...

I've heard of people in long-term (as in years) relationships without sex...not only lesbian relationships, but also hetero relationships. I was in one for almost 2 years, and the lack of sexual connection killed the relationship. For me, sex is a crucial part. No, I don't have a particular timetable or act or *fill in the blank* that must happen...I'm not that rigid...but there has to be a sexual connection and a spark. As I've said in these forums before....if our bed is only for sleeping, then I'm an unhappy woman.

Here's what happens in my head...I am intimate with my best friend. I love her. She loves me. We know everything (and I do mean every thing) about each other. I have held her hand in the hospital. She has clipped my toenails when I was pregnant and couldn't reach them anymore. I have helped her check the "what the hell is that?" in a place she couldn't see. We are closer than most sisters. We think alike. We even look a bit alike. But we do not have a sexual spark with each other.

If I am in a love relationship, and our sex life dies, then I start to feel about you (general you) the way I do about her. There may be love. There may be intimacy. But suddenly we are sisters or friends....and it isn't the same. I don't plan my future with my friend, as much as I love her. I don't want to spend every night wrapped in her arms, as much as she loves me.

For me, there has to be more than love...more than intimacy...more than companionship...more than shared values....more than a shared residence.

I totally agree with justjo.I found with my ex gf the more we disagreed on things the more rocky our relationship got. Also I think when I was stressed about work the last thing I did was to be intimate, and this was the start of our death-bed.

*Anya* · 12-25-2012, 01:28 PM

I have never experienced lesbian bed death.

During the first 7-years of my long-term relationship, we had sex virtually every night.

After I found out that she cheated on me, it did decrease for a while but did not die until the 19th year when I just could not deal with her final betrayal.

Until that last year though, there was just something between us that was so electric that all she had to do was touch me and I wanted her.

No matter what.

I would have a very hard time accepting the death of a great sex life. It would be a real loss.

Kobi · 02-01-2011, 12:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kobi

Lesbian bed death has been called a myth by some, and been experienced as a reality by others.

But what is it really and what causes us to lose sexual interest? I am not referring to the peaks and flows that occur in sex in relationships. I am asking what has a negative impact on our willingness to be sexual with someone while in a relationship with them.

In my experience, a deteriorating sexual relationship is mirroring a failing personal relationship. Hard to feel sexual when the relationship isnt working for you the way it used to. And sometimes it is hard to know if that is a correctable problem or an uncorrectable one.

Medical/physical problems, stress, and other things can contribute to the issue.

I'm wondering what others experiences might be.

Folks, as the OP, I am asking that you review the intent of the original question. I think it is very clear.

"Lesbian bed death has been called a myth by some, and been experienced as a reality by others.

But what is it really and what causes us to lose sexual interest?
I am not referring to the peaks and flows that occur in sex in
relationships. I am asking what has a negative impact on our
willingness to be sexual with someone while in a relationship with them."

This thread was meant to be a discussion of personal experiences
with the loss of the sexual aspect of a relationship. It was posted
in the Lesbian Zone because I was interested in other lesbians experiences.

Sticking to the original intent would be greatly appreciated.

DapperButch · 02-01-2011, 06:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kobi

Folks, as the OP, I am asking that you review the intent of the original question. I think it is very clear.

"Lesbian bed death has been called a myth by some, and been experienced as a reality by others.

But what is it really and what causes us to lose sexual interest?
I am not referring to the peaks and flows that occur in sex in
relationships. I am asking what has a negative impact on our
willingness to be sexual with someone while in a relationship with them."

This thread was meant to be a discussion of personal experiences
with the loss of the sexual aspect of a relationship. It was posted
in the Lesbian Zone because I was interested in other lesbians experiences.

Sticking to the original intent would be greatly appreciated.

I apologize if what I posted elicited the thread in getting off track in any way. I'll side step out of the thread, now.

P.S. to CityButch, just to clarify. #2 states gay men have more sex than lesbians. I did not say anything about men having longer lasting sexual relationships, I only spoke to what types of couplings were having the most sex.

P.S. To clarify what others may have thought I said: 1)I said nothing about gay male's relationships regarding monogamy.
2)I do not think that I was "telling lesbians what their sexuality is like". I spoke to frequency of sex in male and female couplings, based on my understanding through the course of study. The purpose was to give background to where my thought came from regarding lesbian bed death (or rather, why their may be less sex in female/female couplings than other couplings per research). It no doubt would have behooved me to seek out more academic studies to present, but honestly, did not want to take the time to do that. I would have skipped saying anything if I thought that was necessary to engage.
3)I also did not say that lesbian's relationships go sexless when they are having problems.

I would like to not return to this thread so that it may return to what Kobi wants it to be. I would like to be done with the topic, but will engage with PMs if someone really feels compelled to further discuss.

Thank you.

waxnrope · 02-01-2011, 07:22 AM

Kobi, thanks for restating the intent of your post. Since we are back on track, I want to say that the topic was something that I recall being discussed a lot in the late 70s/early 80s ... "Berkeley dykes" discussion groups.

Anyway, I did not experience this at the time, but individuals and couples who did, also seemed to have encountered a relationship death, too. A distancing, emotionally, between them. This is what I thought and it is only my opinion and observation.

In terms of my own experience, this situation happened once, later, and after the women's support groups, which discussed such topics, began to die down. In my/our case, this lack of sexual interest was not medically related. It was something else, something within our relationship, which became aware to me when the sex died (I was yet again in school at the time ...). Can I get a "duh"?

When I did become aware, I discussed this with my partner, we talked for days, and it did resolve, albeit, it took some time to reestablish trust and intimacy.

I post this in order to contribute a personal, and uncomfortable tidbit and am not comfortable doing so ... sometimes others misread one's posts, even from the personal perspective, so I'd appreciate if the reader understands why I do not go into great detail or find it necessary to either dismiss or criticize. I am simply offering MY experience and observation.

01-30-2011, 03:12 PM	#1
Kobi Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Biological female. Lesbian. Relationship Status: Happy Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Hanging out in the Atlantic. Posts: 9,234 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 9,840 Thanked 34,661 Times in 7,652 Posts Rep Power: 21474860	Lesbian bed death? Lesbian bed death has been called a myth by some, and been experienced as a reality by others. But what is it really and what causes us to lose sexual interest? I am not referring to the peaks and flows that occur in sex in relationships. I am asking what has a negative impact on our willingness to be sexual with someone while in a relationship with them. In my experience, a deteriorating sexual relationship is mirroring a failing personal relationship. Hard to feel sexual when the relationship isnt working for you the way it used to. And sometimes it is hard to know if that is a correctable problem or an uncorrectable one. Medical/physical problems, stress, and other things can contribute to the issue. I'm wondering what others experiences might be. __________________

01-30-2011, 08:36 PM	#3
DapperButch Roadster Guy How Do You Identify?: FTM, Stone Butch Preferred Pronoun?: He Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Northeast Posts: 7,745 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 26,545 Thanked 26,893 Times in 5,771 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	Most frequent to least frequent sex (many studies show) 1) male/male 2) female/male 3) female/female The thought is testosterone = higher levels of sexual desire. The thought is that females need to have a positive emotional connection with their partner in order to desire sex ( or rather, females have more of a need for there to be no tension in the relationship in order to desire sex), more so than males. So, if you have two females together and there are difficulties in the relationship, less chance of sex happening than the other two couplings. ------------ My personal thoughts: Lesbian bed death? = problem in relationship. Does it exist? Well, everyone's (all couplings) frequency in sexual relations decreases over time, so if female/female are having less sex to begin with, it makes sense that it could drop to zero, especially if there are problems in the relationship. My opinion is that bed death could happen in any coupling if there are problems in the relationship. Of course health impacts all this, as well. __________________ -Dapper Are you educated or indoctrinated?

01-31-2011, 08:32 PM	#5
The_Lady_Snow MILLION $$$ PUSSY How Do You Identify?: Kinky, Raw, Perverted, Uber Queer Alpha Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Iconic Ms. Relationship Status: Keeper of 3, only one has the map to my freckles Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: La Reina del Sur Posts: 22,488 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 32,231 Thanked 80,119 Times in 15,678 Posts Rep Power: 21474873	I gotta be honest, the bed often looks like "death bed" when I'm on my period. That count!? __________________ "If you’re going to play these dirty games of ours, then you might as well indulge completely. It’s all about turning back into an animal and that’s the beauty of it. Place your guilt on the sidewalk and take a blow torch to it (guilt is usually worthless anyway). Be perverted, be filthy, do things that mannered people shouldn’t do. If you’re going to be gross then go for it and don’t wimp out."---Master Aiden

01-31-2011, 10:17 PM	#7
BullDog Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Dominant Stone Butch Daddy Preferred Pronoun?: She Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: In A Healing Place Posts: 5,371 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 18,160 Thanked 22,783 Times in 4,470 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	What's not new to me is all the perpetuation of myths about lesbians and women's sexuality. __________________ Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other. - Rainer Maria Rilke

01-31-2011, 07:03 PM	#11
JustJo Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: pushy broad Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Follow your heart; it knows things your mind cannot explain. Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Southeast corner Posts: 5,633 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 24,417 Thanked 25,407 Times in 4,661 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	Hello all I was going to post last night, but was so tired that I doubted I could form a coherent sentence. As I lay in bed I thought...funny...I'm too exhausted for posting, but not for sex...so, at least for me, physical tiredness has nothing to do with it. I've been interested to read the comments here...don't agree necessarily, but interested just the same. Let's see...for me, intimacy and sex are totally different things. I can have one without the other. I generally don't...but I can. It isn't a lack of testosterone....I'm definitely not flooded with that, but I have a stronger sex drive than "normal" (men included). And it isn't about a negative image or disapproval from the larger culture, because I didn't get the normal "sex is bad/dirty" messaging that many women get growing up, and I don't care what anyone thinks...and, also, I've had the same phenomenon happen in relationships with bio-men as well. So....what is it then, for me? A few things can happen....if I am angry, or feel attacked, or undervalued...then I don't feel sexual. I feel defensive or hurt, and those don't lead to either sexual desire or the feeling of desirability, value and safety that I need to want sex. That's the most common... I've heard of people in long-term (as in years) relationships without sex...not only lesbian relationships, but also hetero relationships. I was in one for almost 2 years, and the lack of sexual connection killed the relationship. For me, sex is a crucial part. No, I don't have a particular timetable or act or fill in the blank that must happen...I'm not that rigid...but there has to be a sexual connection and a spark. As I've said in these forums before....if our bed is only for sleeping, then I'm an unhappy woman. Here's what happens in my head...I am intimate with my best friend. I love her. She loves me. We know everything (and I do mean every thing) about each other. I have held her hand in the hospital. She has clipped my toenails when I was pregnant and couldn't reach them anymore. I have helped her check the "what the hell is that?" in a place she couldn't see. We are closer than most sisters. We think alike. We even look a bit alike. But we do not have a sexual spark with each other. If I am in a love relationship, and our sex life dies, then I start to feel about you (general you) the way I do about her. There may be love. There may be intimacy. But suddenly we are sisters or friends....and it isn't the same. I don't plan my future with my friend, as much as I love her. I don't want to spend every night wrapped in her arms, as much as she loves me. For me, there has to be more than love...more than intimacy...more than companionship...more than shared values....more than a shared residence. __________________ I'm not tall enough to ride emotional roller coasters

01-30-2011, 08:44 PM	#9
bigbutchmistie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Since You Need A Label. Butch Relationship Status: Still Dreaming Of My Happily Ever After Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Arlington Texas Posts: 4,009 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,950 Thanked 5,364 Times in 1,941 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	First off let me say I have never experienced this for myelf. But have watched friends who are coupled do so... For me, I believe sex is a part of intimacy with one's partner. I I cant make love with my partner, then for me I dont think I could be with someone. I have watched a friend stay with a woman for years and years without any sex just cause she loved her. The woman stayed severely depressed and one day, my friend couldnt take it any more and left. I think we are all different in what we will accept and what we wont. As I stated above, I cannot imagine not making love, no intimacy. Not expresssing that love. Like Audrey Hepburn said, I was born with an incredible need for affection and an even greater need to give it. If I was in a relationship if that was gone, so would I... I would still remain a friend. But, I would require more than just that.... Just my two cents

01-30-2011, 11:09 PM	#10
iamkeri1 Member How Do You Identify?: femme woman Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: solo Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Central Florida Posts: 821 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 250 Thanked 1,944 Times in 584 Posts Rep Power: 14065934	I never thought of it the way DapperButch explained it, but it does make sense. I have wondered about this phenomonon for some time since I have a good friend who has been in a sex-free relationship for years. Also this phenomenon seems to have a more frequent occurrence among female-female relationships. (Or at least we are willling to talk about it while others are not.) One factor that I believe may be involved is this: we are exposed to a lot of negative input from society at large, our parents, our kids, our employers and coworkers etc. I think it is possible with some individuals that this negative input builds up over time and the resultant guilt makes it harder to feel good about having sex. Add to that the belief still lingering around in the world that women aren't supposed to like sex and that "good girls" are not sexually aggressive. Crap - when I think about it like that, its a wonder that ANY of us have sex. LOL. Speaks well for our inner strength, doesn't it? Smooches, Keri

01-31-2011, 07:55 PM	#12
BullDog Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Dominant Stone Butch Daddy Preferred Pronoun?: She Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: In A Healing Place Posts: 5,371 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 18,160 Thanked 22,783 Times in 4,470 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	I have known of plenty of heterosexual relationships (testosterone included) where there was little if any sex- "bed death." But there is no term called heterosexual bed death. There's no term called gay men bed death. Women have lower sex drives than men- I think that's a huge myth. Not everyone needs testosterone or a penis to want or enjoy sex. __________________ Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other. - Rainer Maria Rilke

01-31-2011, 08:21 PM	#13
betenoire Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Satan in a Sunday Hat Preferred Pronoun?: Maow Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: The Chemical Valley Posts: 4,086 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,312 Thanked 8,742 Times in 2,566 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	I think that for queer women our sexuality is a bit more hard-won than for straight women. While, yes, being queer IS something that just happened - knowing it and what it means ISN'T something that just happens. There's work and there's thought there. Because of that I don't think that we buy into a lot of the myths and fake-rules about sex that people who haven't had to really fight/learn MAY often buy into. Nobody is going to tell me that I have to have sex with my spouse. Nobody is going to tell me that it's my wifely duty to have sex with my spouse when I don't feel like it. Nobody is going to make me feel guilty for not having sex with my spouse when I am mad/hurt/annoyed/have a toothache/tired/whatever. My sexuality just comes with far too much self-awareness for me to fall for any of that bullshit. So IF and ONLY IF female-female couples are fucking less often 5/10/15 years into the relationship than their male-female couple counterparts (and that's a big if, I don't know that I buy that) - that's the reason. Because we are fortunate enough to know that we are ALLOWED to not fuck. Some women don't know that they have that choice. __________________ bête noire \bet-NWAHR\, noun: One that is particularly disliked or that is to be avoided.

12-25-2012, 01:28 PM	#17
Anya Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Lesbian non-stone femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, her Relationship Status: Committed to being good to myself Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: West Coast Posts: 8,258 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 39,306 Thanked 40,791 Times in 7,290 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	I have never experienced lesbian bed death. During the first 7-years of my long-term relationship, we had sex virtually every night. After I found out that she cheated on me, it did decrease for a while but did not die until the 19th year when I just could not deal with her final betrayal. Until that last year though, there was just something between us that was so electric that all she had to do was touch me and I wanted her. No matter what. I would have a very hard time accepting the death of a great sex life. It would be a real loss. __________________ ~Anya~ Democracy Dies in Darkness ~Washington Post "...I'm deeply concerned by recently adopted policies which punish children for their parents’ actions ... The thought that any State would seek to deter parents by inflicting such abuse on children is unconscionable." UN Human Rights commissioner

02-01-2011, 07:22 AM	#20
waxnrope Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Permanently Banned 5/27/2011 Preferred Pronoun?: hy ho, hy ho; he, she, it, whatever Relationship Status: Going slow ... Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: in her orifices ... la frontera Posts: 1,433 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6,414 Thanked 2,958 Times in 953 Posts Rep Power: 0	Kobi, thanks for restating the intent of your post. Since we are back on track, I want to say that the topic was something that I recall being discussed a lot in the late 70s/early 80s ... "Berkeley dykes" discussion groups. Anyway, I did not experience this at the time, but individuals and couples who did, also seemed to have encountered a relationship death, too. A distancing, emotionally, between them. This is what I thought and it is only my opinion and observation. In terms of my own experience, this situation happened once, later, and after the women's support groups, which discussed such topics, began to die down. In my/our case, this lack of sexual interest was not medically related. It was something else, something within our relationship, which became aware to me when the sex died (I was yet again in school at the time ...). Can I get a "duh"? When I did become aware, I discussed this with my partner, we talked for days, and it did resolve, albeit, it took some time to reestablish trust and intimacy. I post this in order to contribute a personal, and uncomfortable tidbit and am not comfortable doing so ... sometimes others misread one's posts, even from the personal perspective, so I'd appreciate if the reader understands why I do not go into great detail or find it necessary to either dismiss or criticize. I am simply offering MY experience and observation.