StepMonsters and other scary second parenting issues

[Arwen]

I'm starting this for those of us who have or will step into the role of "the next parental unit". It's not easy. It can feel like you are stepping into a live mine field full of "so and so didn't do that" and "you're not my mom/dad" and "those are my kids!".

How do you navigate that? What are the rules/tips/tricks you've found for being a good stepparent?

Let's talk about the wins and the losses. I've had both.

One of my wins is my beloved son, KC. He's not mine by birth, but he's mine by love. He's 21 now and we are very close.

One of my losses is his eldest sister, Dv. We talk a bit but the relationship will never be more than that of casual acquaintances. KC is our link to one another.

Their mom and I do not speak except about the kids. We do not have a friendship at all due to choices we both made and behaviours we both exhibited. I regret that on many levels.

So, how about you? Who's a stepmonster out there?

*KC introduces me as his stepmonster. I love it.

[Gemme]

I am not a stepmonster, but I have one. I've had several step "dads" too. In general, the guys failed miserabley, one way or another and my one stepmom has been pretty decent.

Some of the things she did/does that doesn't irk and/or alienate me and makes her quite tolerable:

She tries, but not too hard.
She never tried to 'replace' my mom.
She's always been very thoughtful towards me (cards, gifts, writing letters).
She's always had open arms for me when I wanted to talk but never tried to push or pull me towards her.
She has always treated me like another person, not talking down to me or treating me like an object to be lobbed back and forth during custody issues.
She makes suck ass, hard as a rock and heavy as a stone biscuits but her bacon is usually right on and her gravy doesn't have lumps.

[nycfem]

I'm cross-posting what I just posted on Junie's thread. I never had anyone to talk to about this stuff and suddenly there are two threads for me to post on. I'm sure not complaining

I've often felt alone with this issue so it's great to have this thread and see I'm not.

When I came into the relationship with my husbutch, hy had two sons, one 12 and the other 17. Hys ex-wife of 18 years, M, is the biological mother of both children. M and BB are great parents in their own ways (as much as it kills me to say this about M due to my jealousy), so the co-parenting relationship is tight and very present. This is tough for me, as I often felt like a "ghost," an invisible member of the family. I wasn't exactly a real parent, and I wasn't a kid. I was the one who whispered my ideas to BB but didn't make the decisions. It's a really unusual role, with some benefits as well as frustrating aspects.

Now the boys are 18 and 23, so the intensity of step-parenting is lessened. The younger one, Jacob (lots of "Jacobs" on this thread!), reminds me of me. He is artsty, very emotional, strong willed, and a non-conformist. He has four women (i.e. two couples) with whom he splits his time when not at art school. He calls us "the mother network" and is open with his friends about us.

This is such an expansive and important topic so I'm not sure what else to say because there is just so much to say!

Here are a few of the harder parts of step-parenting that I've encountered:

1) BB will be on the phone with M (Jacob's other mother), and she will be difficult, and BB will put up with it, but then get off the phone, implode, and have the expectation of getting support from me. I will in turn get resentful of being put in this role, become tearful, and thus neither of us receives the support we are craving.

2) BB will ask me to discipline, and while occasionally I fill this role, I almost always say no. I strongly feel that when coming into the life of a child who is 13 or older, it's not good for the step-parent/ step-child relationship for the step-parent to be a disciplinarian. I think this is especially true when the child only resides with the step-parent part-time. My stance on this (not really all that relevant anymore now that Jacob is 18) was a frustration to BB, who felt exhausted by the need to always be the one who disciplined.

3) I always struggled with how affectionate to be. Jacob and BB are super physical, cuddly, back rub types, so in a sense it seems it would be easy to just jump in there with them. However, I felt that it was a bond they shared that I didn't want to interrupt. Also, since I was taking much more of a friend role with Jacob, I think I felt it seemed cooler not to go all huggy on him. In retrospect I don't know if it was the right way to go. Maybe it felt like a rejection, and we still aren't too physically affectionate. It's so hard to balance giving him space while showing how much I care.

Here are a few of the wonderful aspects of step-parenting that I've experienced:

1) Jacob's other 3 moms have raised the boys since they were young children and are also nearly 20 years older than me. They are used to disciplining and worrying and planning, etc. I, on the other hand, am closer in age to Jacob and don't have the more stressful parts of parenting within my role. Thus Jacob and I get to have a lot of fun together, and BB has said that at times he opens up to me in a way that he does not with his other mothers. This sure feels good to hear.

2) It's a fun family dynamic how Jacob and I have so much in common that BB and Jacob do not. Jacob and I are much more artsy, wild, and eccentric than BB, so there's a lot of playful teasing amongst us with Jacob and I unified in our commonalities. It's hard to explain but I love feeling that we have shared interests and ways of being, even though I did not raise him from birth. It's lucky, I guess.

3) Moments like this: One year Jacob gave me a very cute, touching birthday card. On the outside it said "Ever notice how in every family there's usually one person who's shockingly normal?" and then inside the card it said, "We should get ourselves one of those. Happy birthday!" Jacob wrote, "This is EXACTLY what our family is like!! But it is those quirks that I Iove most about you! You are a fun, funny, obsessive, artistic, queer femme social worker and that makes for some amazing cards in the mail and some 'on the spot' questions."

[Starbuck]

I've been a step mom for 12 years now and let me tell you, I have learned a lot!

I learned:
1. I found that as the step parent, I was more strict on my step child than I was my biological son and the bad thing was, they both noticed it. Not cool.

2. You can't change your territorial child's behavior, they're only doing what comes natural to them...loving their parent whom you are now involved with.

3. Patience truly is a virtue and is a great step toward winning their heart to you.

4. Praise your step child for EVERY positive thing you notice or good thing they tell you that they did in school, even for the little things. This will boost their self esteem and their opinion of you You will find this WILL bring you closer.

5. Outlandish grounding for more than a day or two (depending on the age - time out may be more beneficial) is worthless because they forget what they've been grounded for! Seriously! Now if they are teens, taking away a cell phone for just a day sends them into orbit and gets your point across nicely.

6. You have to be willing to say you are sorry when you wrong them. It makes you look more human in their eyes and it teaches them to apologize when they have wronged someone as well.

[sylvie]

i am not, nor have i been a step-parent..
i have , however, had step-parents, AND have been in relationships where they've been a step-parent to my 2 children.. so i can relate with a lot in this thread..

i truly didn't understand how difficult it was for someone to enter a relationship with someone who already has children. it's taken some eye opening experiences to really get the giste.. i have never been a great disciplinarian, and now that my children are teenagers, it shows .. it's something i've been working on, as i'm too soft and have spent years of letting things go.. but, things have been much better this new year, it's been small steps with my children and tons of love to get things back to normal with some respect & lotsa love and just a better situation overall.. so once i am ready to get back into a relationship (which will be awhile yet) - things will be on a much healthier note..i can totally understand the pressures & stresses of being a stepparent - and will always be more mindful of it..

my parents separated when i was 8 years old.. i lived with my mother and seems i was always with a babysitter, day & night.. when she met my step a-hole (we don't get along) he moved right in.. she immediately took his side no matter how mean he was to me.. i was scared to even talk to him because of his outbursts, usually.. he woke up grumpy and was a bear right to the moment he went to sleep at night.. the emotional scars far surpass any physical scars he gave me.. eventually, my mother alienated me, i went to my father's when i was the age of 12.. my mother & i have never been close - and she has become so much like him, it's scary & quite sad, even.

i do have a stepmother , however that is very much like a mother to me, moreso than my own.. i've always known i wasnt 'as' important as her own two children, and i tend to not get included when they do their things, still.. but it's okay, now because i have a better understanding what its like taking on someone else's child.. and the love she does show me, is something i'm so appreciative of to this day.. i could always depend on her, i know this...

[JustJo]

I was raised by a single mom, but never had a step-parent....lots of boyfriends who hung around or lived in at various time, but no one with the title.

I also never exposed my son to a step-parent until now....and never was one myself.

Now I'm both...and it's incredibly challenging. I'm not ready to post yet, but I'm reading.

[JustJo]

Just coming back to bump this thread...

...we're having significant issues in this area, and I'd love to hear more about how people have successfully blended families without tearing their relationship apart.

[Arwen]

Originally Posted by JustJo

Just coming back to bump this thread...

...we're having significant issues in this area, and I'd love to hear more about how people have successfully blended families without tearing their relationship apart.

Communication that involves everyone.

I found that we had issues around what was appropriate behaviour and what was correctable behaviour. If I felt a kid needed correction, I did NOT do that myself. I told my partner who would then do the correction.

TO be honest, my steps were 14 and up and REALLY good kids. There was not much needed in that area. I was more the teacher in that I taught both the young ones how to drive and also did a lot of cooking with them.

It might be helpful if you shared what your struggles are.

[jelli]

"Happy T Day to my Tina. Almost 9 years ago I tried to tell her to run away and just when she thought it might be safe to stop running - run faster and further.

T: Well how many kids do you have?
Me: 5
T: (laughing)
Me: No, seriously. (It's hard to believe she took the role for better or for worse).

There's not a holiday that celebrates certain roles. I have this amazing partner in my life that 9 years ago accepted such a huge challenge of me and 5 kids. I don't really have the words for Tina. She has evolved ad continues to impress me.

The judge asked "who will support this woman and her children?" T stood up and firmly stated "I will Your Honor" Every day since she has done everything she said she would do. She works her butt off to support the kids and I.

Sure we have our moments like everyone else. We've had to compromise, change, and really dig deep for a better understanding of how certain families and relationships come together and in some cases not so much.

My T - I can not thank you for what you've done and for what you've also endured in the name of loving me. My children have not always been accepting, forgiving, understanding, and/or appreciative... and yet you are still there. There is great joy and yet sadness when I don't feel as if you're given enough respect for ALL that you DO. I wish I had words to tell you what YOU mean to me. ♥

I AM SO PROUD TO LOVE YOU!

I can't imagine loving and supporting kids that if push came to shove you have no laws to uphold any rights. You can't claim them as dependents for tax purposes even though you support more than 50%, and still have paid(when the law allows) to provide insurance. I could go on because I feel as if I am rambling trying to get my point across. I guess my point is I am thank for you on more days than this one."

[jelli]

Things we have learned over the years:

~You're either going to California or you're not. All in or all out.
~Changes and compromise are going to take place.
~ You have to give to get and even sometimes then you get the short end of the stick. Just make sure you're intention is coming from the right spot so you don't build up a lot of resentment.
~When it comes to older kids/teens - leave the discipline up to the biological parent.
~Mistakes are going to happen and here again is where hopefully you will learn and choose to make changes or compromise for the betterment of the family unit.
~Practice forgiveness.
~Don't forget to be an individual.
~Don't forget to be a couple.

[bright_arrow]

In a little less than a year, I will be entering the role as a stepmother, of sorts, I think

As it is now, I leave any disciplining to my partner. I don't feel it is my place at ALL, to discipline or even have a firm word. I am more of a de-stresser.. when things are tense, the kiddo is full of energy, and my partner is tired and just wants some breathing time, I take over. I find something that will turn Abby's attention to me, whether it be Sims or watching National Geographic or showing her how to make roses out of play-dough.

I grew up with both of my biological parents, so I don't have any experience with being a step- anything. I admit, this worries me. I don't know how to be a parent, especially when we only have her daughter twice a month for only a weekend.. We tend to let the little things slide, because we want our weekend together to be a good time.

So, I don't know I'll keep reading though - thank you for this thread!

[Bard]

Ok this is a Hard topic for me but sharing is healing..

My Bio Mother and my Dad split when I was 3 and my mom remarried to a man named Spike he brought two boys with him older then I and I just became in the way more so then normal Spike was just mean I had always wondered why my dad had stopped getting me and when I was older I found out. there was a day when my dad brought me home and I had a melt down I wanted my Daddy and Spike backhanded me across the room and my Dad almost drew his service weapon.
After my mother had died I was reunited with my Dad and his wife and neither was prepared to deal with the issues I had as a result of my mothers death and abuse I had suffered in my dad's absence. now Sandy did not want kids and it showed one time for a infraction her method of punishing me was to take a horse whip to me. Also while she taught me to ride and show horses I was never good enough EVER and if I failed to meet her standards I was belittled or worse. in the end I was shipped to a grandparents then to a foster home..

on a good note my dad divorced Sandy and met a wonderful woman who became my step-mom she healed my dad and with out realizing it our family
Jen has been more of a mother to me then I had ever known but she never pushed it She listens to me and let me come to her BUT by the time she came into my life I was 17 and most of our relationship has been with me as a adult but I see Jenn with my daughter and I know I wish I would have let her in sooner.

OK now my daughter who is the product of a broken home now as her mother and I have split. and now Desd is in the position of being a step-mom and that title was giver to her by Abby with out any encouragement it is just how Abby sees her
Abby knows no one can or will replace mer mother or I but she is gaining more family and she loves it
the rest we will take as it comes with communication I don't expect dead to have to discipline Abby but if it needs to be done and I am not there well I trust Desd
As always we will talk it all out and love each other I have seen examples of how and WHAT I don't want to be or ever expose Abby to so I won't
Sorry I have been long here
unfortunately there is much more to my story I glossed over parts btu again it showed me how I will never be to my child or should Desd and I be blessed children

[Puplove]

I can post in this thread now -- after a few years of pain, things have come full, happy circle!
I raised my daughter from 4 years old on. Legally adopted her when she was 8. Her mother and I were in a long, sad co-dependent relationship for 14 years. I was stuck in the caretaker role, always working for the "if only she knew how much I loved her...."

My ex was repeating the cycle of her mother and generations before her (where children take care of their addict mothers and live for them). but had to work MUCH harder at destroying things since I was in her life and kept staying.

I was always blocked from true parenting with the "you aren't her mother, you don't understand her" gig. But, I maintained the "sane, no-strings, consistent rules, love without condition and always be the one who believes in the child" stance my parents taught me. They gave love unconditionally and never made me feel I owed or had to take care of them; they were also great role models as foster parents for the most unlovable, difficult and unwanted children in the state system, and staunchly kept the "they have to have someone who will brag on them and love them for who they are" rule.

When my ex finally committed egregious enough offenses to force me to break the co-dependent relationship (actually a gift to me in retrospect), my daughter at 18 kicked me out of her life, saying "you aren't really my mom." I understood then that she HAD to take care of her mother, I was the bad guy for refusing to continue. I always hoped she'd come back, and always left the door open but did not push it or expect to see her again. It was a very painful, but secret loss.

Joy of joys -- she contacted me a few weeks ago. Asked if we could have a relationship again. She missed having a stable parent. So, my past presence made enough difference in her life that she could break the cycle finally and say "this isn't the way it should be."

From our first get-together a couple weeks ago, I started by saying "I completely understand, you don't need to explain anything. Let's pick up from here and celebrate." She did tell me how angry she was at me a few years ago because I wasn't stopping her mother from destroying her life -- for once, I wasn't stepping in and making everything right. She felt I destroyed her world -- she had to take care of her mother because I wouldn't. Luckily, she also knew from my years of influence that it wasn't right; after a couple years she broke free, moved into her own place, started therapy and then reached out to me.

Now, we can focus purely on enjoying our relationship. I'm still her mother. But, she is not a child or dependent, I am not responsible for her. And she's not responsible for me (what freedom for her!). It is wonderful to have an adult child who still wants advice but is responsible for herself. We don't need to feed each other. We can appreciate and love each other.

For years, I was the evil parent because I didn't play the guilt and co-dependent game with her, no matter how unhealthy I allowed my relationship with her mother to be. And, now I am rewarded.

Happy day! To me, I'm not a Stepmonster, I'm a lucky parent who gets to enjoy a person I had a role in shaping, who I can feel proud of, after all the rocks and woes and struggles with walking into a non-bio parent role. Hearing "you aren't her mother, you don't really know her" hurts. It hurts more to hear it from the child. But, in the long run, stable, unconditional love proves that "real" doesn't have to mean "biological."

[jelli]

Originally Posted by desdansmoncoeur

I don't know how to be a parent, especially when we only have her daughter twice a month for only a weekend.. We tend to let the little things slide, because we want our weekend together to be a good time.

It is definitely a game of choose your battle. A lot of things T & I find ourselves asking "in the grand scheme of things how important is this current situation?". We look at what is going on, how serious is it, who is being affected, what we can learn from this, or perhaps if it is just better to leave it alone. With the facts that we know to be true at the time(and yes there will be tons of times you may not have all or even half the facts you need) we make the best decisions possible.

A motto that I have come to stand by: "Sometimes you make the right decision, sometimes you make the decision right." It's so important for everyone to see where they have been ineffective and/or wrong, take responsibility for that, and if need be make amends. Sometimes we learn from the kids too.

Some "wknd" parents will want their time together to be so much fun and will go above and beyond. It's important to find that balance. Don't strive to be the "good or fun" parent. Be the best possible parent you can be while raising a younger person to be the best person they can be.

Parenting really is the only job I know that gives you as much pleasure as it can heartache. I wish you tons of luck!!!!

[jelli]

Originally Posted by Bard

Ok this is a Hard topic for me but sharing is healing..

My Bio Mother and my Dad split when I was 3 and my mom remarried to a man named Spike he brought two boys with him older then I and I just became in the way more so then normal Spike was just mean I had always wondered why my dad had stopped getting me and when I was older I found out. there was a day when my dad brought me home and I had a melt down I wanted my Daddy and Spike backhanded me across the room and my Dad almost drew his service weapon.
After my mother had died I was reunited with my Dad and his wife and neither was prepared to deal with the issues I had as a result of my mothers death and abuse I had suffered in my dad's absence. now Sandy did not want kids and it showed one time for a infraction her method of punishing me was to take a horse whip to me. Also while she taught me to ride and show horses I was never good enough EVER and if I failed to meet her standards I was belittled or worse. in the end I was shipped to a grandparents then to a foster home..

on a good note my dad divorced Sandy and met a wonderful woman who became my step-mom she healed my dad and with out realizing it our family
Jen has been more of a mother to me then I had ever known but she never pushed it She listens to me and let me come to her BUT by the time she came into my life I was 17 and most of our relationship has been with me as a adult but I see Jenn with my daughter and I know I wish I would have let her in sooner.

OK now my daughter who is the product of a broken home now as her mother and I have split. and now Desd is in the position of being a step-mom and that title was giver to her by Abby with out any encouragement it is just how Abby sees her
Abby knows no one can or will replace mer mother or I but she is gaining more family and she loves it
the rest we will take as it comes with communication I don't expect dead to have to discipline Abby but if it needs to be done and I am not there well I trust Desd
As always we will talk it all out and love each other I have seen examples of how and WHAT I don't want to be or ever expose Abby to so I won't
Sorry I have been long here
unfortunately there is much more to my story I glossed over parts btu again it showed me how I will never be to my child or should Desd and I be blessed children

Let me first say this: I am so sorry you were ever mistreated. Nobody(child or adult) deserves that type of abuse.

It warmed my heart to read a good(read: healthier) woman came int your father and your life when she did and you took a chance on letting her love you. Now you have another good woman to love you and your Abby. Props to Desd for taking on such a role.

I don't know if you will ever experience it, but also be prepared for Abby to make attempts at putting you and Desd against each other. T and I thought we were solid, but have had many times where the rascals snuck in on us.

Communication is key. Sometimes we believe we have talk about everything possible and think we have a game plan... kids are crafty let me tell you. HAHAHA

Which brings me to another point - keep a good sense of humor.

[justkim]

What a great thread!

[theoddz]

My parents divorced when I was 13 and my mother has never dated or remarried. I asked her why once, and she told me that she was "too busy raising children, going back to school (at age 40+) and working". I always remember Mother working and teaching adult ed night school. She was constantly busy and yet always made time to be a pretty good, loving and supportive parent. In that way, I can honestly say that I never missed having a stepfather or anything like that. Mother was "the package deal" and she was good at it!! My parents, though divorced, did a wonderful job co-parenting my sister and me and even with the bitterness they held towards each other, never let that leak through to their love and responsibilities to my sister and myself.

My dad, on the other hand, has dated several different women over the years and has had some pretty good luck with finding good ones!! He has never officially remarried, but the woman I call my "Stepmom" has been by his side and lived with him for nearly 20 years now, so if that doesn't constitute being his "wife" and our "stepmom", I don't know what does. She's very much a part of our family and she has been there 150% for both my sister and myself when Mother wasn't or couldn't be. Betty is a gem of a Lady (I have some pics of her in my gallery)!!! I can't say enough about how kind, loving, supportive and dear she is. Of course, by the time she and Pop got together, my sister and I were grown adults, so Betty has never had to fill the role of "parental unit" to us in a parent/child relationship. Before Pop, she'd been married 3 times and never had any children of her own. I just know that, when certain situations have arisen that have been "touchy" and maybe have inched over that line into a sort of parent/child dynamic with Mother and Pop, Betty steps back and doesn't "interfere", as she calls it. Now, if there's something that comes up with Pop, or if my sister or I have trouble reasoning with him, or bringing something up that's difficult, Betty will *very* gently "run interference", and have both appreciated her for that. She has never...ever, ever, ever said or even indicated any sort of hostility, anger, jealousy or animosity, or made any sort of foul comments about or towards my mother. In fact, my mother and Betty are friends, and when Mother comes to Las Vegas for a visit, she and Betty always manage to have lunch together, exchange little gifts back and forth, they send each other birthday and Christmas cards, etc. It's really a nice relationship that we all enjoy as a family unit. Betty is a true Lady and I've always called her a total "Class Act". I love her like a second mother and I'm very very happy that Pop has such a good woman by his side....and she makes him happy. She's a classic Lady of The Greatest Generation.

Recently, Betty has been battling throat cancer. She was diagnosed last fall when a nodule appeared on her neck and it was found to be malignant. This shook our family to its core and we've all rallied behind her. I can't imagine Betty not being a part of our family and we've all stood with her, as her family, to take care of her and get her through this ordeal. She's 87 now and her health is fragile, and I think that the fact that she's had to undergo something like this has brought it to all of our attention just how much we love and adore this good Lady.

Incidentally, Betty has completed her course of radiation and chemotherapy and has been deemed officially cancer free!!! She's still weak and tires easily and is still having to use the PEG (stomach) tube for most of her nutrition as her throat heals from the effects of the radiation, but she's on the upswing now and that's what counts!! Pop stands steadfastly beside her, doing her tube feedings for her every 2 hours during the day and scheduling his life around her schedule. He's so devoted, patient and loving with her, and couldn't be any more so, had she been his "legal" wife.

So, yes, I've got a stepmother in my life and she's a wonderful person and Lady. I couldn't be luckier.....or more thankful to G-d for having this lovely stepmom in my life.

~Theo~

[Medusa]

I have had a step-mother and 4 step-fathers.

One of my step-fathers is still in my life. Here's why:
* When my Mom married him, I was 4. He got in the floor and played Barbies with me and took me to museums. He showed an interest in me having a good childhood. Even as a child, I could feel that. He cared!

* When he disciplined me, it was firm and fair. I rarely screwed up with him because I loved him so much and respected what he asked of me. He never spanked me, hit me, or called me names.

* He refused to argue with my Mom in front of me. That made me feel safe.

* He hugged! A lot! And it wasn't creepy!

* Even after they divorced, he made an effort to be in my life. He is my Brother's Dad so when he would come pick my Brother up for visitation, he would ask my Mom if he could take me too so that "the kids can be together". She never allowed it but he did try. He also sent gifts to me at Christmas. When I was old enough to drive, I would go to see him about once a month and he was always overjoyed to see me.

I think it takes a lot of courage and patience to co-parent a child who isn't yours and applaud those who are doing it (and doing it WELL!)

[MsTinkerbelly]

I had both a step-dad and a step-mom beginning at the age of 15; both are no longer in my life.

My Step-dad died in 2007 after he and my Mom had a love/hate releationship for 32 years. He was AMAZING to my sister and I, and loved my daughter like his own. Unfortunately he was a bastard to my Mom, and that colors my memories of him.

My Step-mom was WONDERFUL until my Dad died in 2000; then it was as if she never knew us. They were married 21 years. While I understand the pain she felt when she saw us, my child couldn't understand why she lost both of them....and THAT I cannot forget; although for myself I forgave her long ago.

After finding me on Facebook, she has tried to "get together" a couple of times. Ummmm, no.

My Kasey is a great step-parent to my child...one more reason to love her!

[jelli]

One day our son, G, got really angry about something and stormed off saying, "I hate being here!"

Cruel responded, "I know you're angry, I still want you here and I'm still going to love you."

Always a lesson to be learned or shown...