What is Forgiveness?

[MrSunshine]

It's just letting shit go. Either you can or you can't.

[BarbaraRyan]

I think it's about choice, empowerment, and moving forward. It's the part in the process where we can stand up, acknowledge what's happened, and how it's affected us. Then, we choose to say "Okay, I can forgive that - now it's time for me to make my life and to no longer let the event or person have any control."

And it's easier said than done.

[Jess]

I think it revolves around remembering that it is not really about ME. It is about the actions of another and how great or small it may have affected me directly is what gives me grief. When I can remember that someone else's actions are not a reflection upon me, it is easier to "forgive" ( as if it is even my place to do so).

It's more of an acknowledging that they have different views/ reasons for what they do/ say/ are than I do. It's ( for me) more of just letting go.

I don't like saying " I forgive" someone as it feels like then I had some control or bearing on their action. What another choses to do/ say/ behave like has very little to do with ME and much more to do with their own stage of their journey. Who am I to forgive anyone but myself? The best I can do to make peace in my heart for any transgressions is to accept that where they are is "where they are". No forgiveness. No judgement. Just acceptance and a move toward safer waters for myself.

[Talon]

Forgiveness is freedom for you...as long as you've taken the lesson from it.

[Ginger]

I don't think forgiveness is always necessary or even beneficial.

Indifference and letting go is where I find peace, when a relationship ends and the dynamic can't be fixed in order for the relationship to morph into something else.

And I also want to say, indifference isn't the same as wishing someone harm, or hating them. It's what happens when letting go reaches a certain ultimate point. It isn't cold or mean, it just is.

On the other hand, if I want to continue in a relationship with a person who has transgressed against me in some egregious way, forgiveness might open the door to trust. It's a way of saying, "I'm not mad at you anymore" but also there is this tacit agreement: "and I trust you not to do that harmful thing again."

If I want to be friends with someone who did something hurtful to me, I can sometimes just avoid the situations in which that might happen again. With family, for example, I avoid certain conversational topics, and don't ask for what I know I won't get, emotionally.

Is that forgiveness? No, I don't think so. It's protecting myself from toxins in order to continue having contact with that person or persons. It's a kind of trade-off, one I've decided is worth the effort.

I guess I just don't like the whole vibe happening around the term "forgiveness." It sounds religious to me, and I'll admit anything with a religious tone turns me off so take that with a grain of salt.

Here's part of what Wiki says:

"Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution."

So I guess they're saying forgiveness is the letting go of "resentment, indignation or anger," which I'm all for—(it erodes your health, for one thing, to stay mad), but that doesn't mean, the relationship has to pick up where it left off. It can end, continue, whatever, after forgiveness happens.

Here's what I just realized; forgiveness often implies that the forgiver is somehow morally superior to the person being forgiven. That just bugs me.

[Nat]

I grew up not really knowing what forgiveness was. My mom hasn't been much of a forgiver - she holds grudges for so long only the sands of time can wear them away. Or she'll find an excuse for a person's behavior and just rationalize it away. Which has been my main way of avoiding forgiveness too. Or, I'll blame myself for whatever was done.

I'm stuck on my 4th step in OA because I seriously don't like thinking that I resent anybody. I'd rather excuse people for their behavior and anesthetize myself in various ways. Or take the blame for bad behavior of others.

For a long time, I thought forgiveness was something you gave to another person, like bequeathed to them like a gift. But there's a guided meditation I do sometimes regarding debt, and the person recommends that if you want to get rid of your debt, you need to look at the people you see as owing you, and just imagine them being absorbed in white light and disappearing. A friend laughed when I told her this and said, "I'd rather visualize pushing them down the stairs!" Anyway, it may sound cheesy, but whether or not you visualize a person disappearing into white light, I think it's good to remember we are all human and it's helpful sometimes to just write off the debt instead of carrying it around in the books forever. I don't think forgiveness has to come with trust or even renewed friendship. It *can* but I don't think it has to.

[UofMfan]

This article, for the most part, expresses how I feel about forgiveness.

Don't Ask Me for Forgiveness!

[1QuirkyKiwi]

The way I was taught about forgiveness… Mauri Ora – Wellbeing. Kia Mauritau – Be peaceful.

I was taught that forgiveness is not always necessary because not every person that hurts us can be forgiven. We are not responsible for another’s motives. A person’s actions say more about them, than it does about us.

I was taught that each of us holds the ability to find peace within ourselves for what that person(s) have done to us. I was taught to own my own feelings and emotions and work through them to the best of my abilities; this does not mean take revenge for my pain, but, if I feel the need to cry from hurting, then I do and let the anger out by punching a pillow. Also, to accept or a least acknowledge that feeling stupid for a day or two because I didn’t see it coming, isn’t a bad thing.

I was taught to let Karma take its course. The Maori have a saying: “So, let the user be responsible; not to me; or you; or other mortal beings, but to one mightier then the user; so by all means, do what you wish.”

[Glenn]

Forgive everything And forget Nothing.

[~ocean]

when u learn to accept forgiveness follows

[Darbonaire]

[nomedia="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3D4VMZb8wLY&feature=related"]Forgiveness and the Freedom of Letting go - YouTube[/nomedia]

This helped me a lot.....maybe it will help another......I think it is beautiful !

[Julien]

I find it easier to forgive others than it is to forgive myself for things I have done. No one is harder on me than I am on myself.

[princessbelle]

I doubt this will be a majority of the views in this thread. Could be many don't agree with how i personally deal with forgiveness. But, it is what it is and it is how i handle it.

I've heard the phrases and beautiful statements and sentiments regarding forgiveness all over the place, in which to forgive someone is a gift to yourself and all that. That's wonderful if that is how peeps want to view it. Truly i'm not dissing it, i just see things differently sometimes...not always.

If someone has hurt me, F that. I don't have to forgive them, i don't want to forgive them and i don't forgive them. It is my decision and i'm in control of that, not them. Sometimes people don't deserve forgiveness and i'm really good with that. It doesn't make me feel bitter or whatever, again it's my decision and i don't see how this could be hard on me at all.

Forgive and forget? Sometimes, for me, it's both and sometimes it's latter. What i CAN do however is forget them.The feeling in my mind is equal, because it is closure.

IMO you don't have to forgive everyone to be happy with yourself. Standing up for yourself and protecting yourself from mental/physical harm without forgiving someone is sometimes an ok thing to do.

[Venus007]

For me the hardest part about forgiveness is forgiving myself.
I should have seen...
I should have known...
I should have done X differently...
How could I have X, am I completely blind? ....

The reality is that I didn't see, I didn't know and I did the best I could with the information and situation I had before me.

To continually berate myself or feel that sick gut drop when I think about my actions actually is counter productive. By obsessing on what I did wrong and what is wrong with me instead of focusing on moving forward and how I can do the right thing, well, this only reinforces the unfortunate behavior and creates a stronger neural path to the error of my ways.

This is the hard part, to let go and practice acceptance, to just be and breathe with it, to sit with it and say that even though I make mistakes, it doesn't mean I have to make them in the future, and it certainly doesn't mean that I deserve to carry that hateful burden longer than is necessary for me to learn.

I have to practice acceptance for myself, to forgive myself, and to let go and move on. Whether I like it or not sometimes.

[Silverseastar]

For me the hardest part about forgiveness is forgiving myself

So true Venus007. Forgiveness for ourselves first and then it can come for others. If we hold onto being angry at the self we struggle to forgive others. Whatever we can offer ourselves first makes us more capable of offering the same to another- compassion, love, forgiveness, gentleness.

Sometimes this is so much harder than at other times and we even need to be kind to ourselves around the fact that it may just take time.

[Julien]

Originally Posted by Venus007

For me the hardest part about forgiveness is forgiving myself.
I should have seen...
I should have known...
I should have done X differently...
How could I have X, am I completely blind? ....

The reality is that I didn't see, I didn't know and I did the best I could with the information and situation I had before me.

To continually berate myself or feel that sick gut drop when I think about my actions actually is counter productive. By obsessing on what I did wrong and what is wrong with me instead of focusing on moving forward and how I can do the right thing, well, this only reinforces the unfortunate behavior and creates a stronger neural path to the error of my ways.

This is the hard part, to let go and practice acceptance, to just be and breathe with it, to sit with it and say that even though I make mistakes, it doesn't mean I have to make them in the future, and it certainly doesn't mean that I deserve to carry that hateful burden longer than is necessary for me to learn.

I have to practice acceptance for myself, to forgive myself, and to let go and move on. Whether I like it or not sometimes.

What you wrote is wisdom that I can look to for comfort in my own work on self forgiveness and acceptance. Thank you for your thoughtful post. I just wanted to highlight it for it speaks volumes to me at this moment in time. For I too do not deserve to "carry that hateful burden" any longer than I need to. I believe we carry all sorts of burdens that impede our growth and acceptance. It is up to us to, as you wrote, let it go and move on to interact and grow to become the best we can be in our lives.

[deedarino]

Originally Posted by UofMfan

This article, for the most part, expresses how I feel about forgiveness.

Don't Ask Me for Forgiveness!

I love this article...I have always called it forgiveness but sometimes that word just sticks in my throat.

I know acceptance. I can accept that others are just who they are. That they have their own road to travel and how they touch others along their path is their journey, not mine. I can also accept that this person isn't right for my path and move on.

Forgiveness is saved for those who seek it out, who truly work to find it. Who seek true amends.

[Raven.]

when i find the answers in me, then I will think about what sits as a very secondary process. Forgiveness is the wrong language. My relationship with this word sits largely with religious practice and I link the expectation of forgiveness to a patriotic construct. History says women should forgive and move on.. blame sits with them for not "letting go" of what for many can only be described as horrendous atrocities. The prognosis of my life story and my desire for normalcy comes at a cost that many would not understand. Personally,whilst I bare such cost at the expense of another, I will never forgive.

You cannot be forgiven until you learn to forgive.

[*Anya*]

Originally Posted by UofMfan

This article, for the most part, expresses how I feel about forgiveness.

Don't Ask Me for Forgiveness!

Yes, this.

Acceptance is different than forgiveness.

It is what it is.

I can not change the outcome. I so wish that it were different but do not have the power to change it.

I accept.