Friends of Bill W.

[tomboystud]

May 30
Loneliness vs. being alone
“Sharing with others keeps us from feeling isolated and alone.”
Basic Text, p. 85
––––=––––
There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Being lonely is a state of the heart, an emptiness that makes us feel sad and sometimes hopeless. Loneliness is not always alleviated when we enter into relationships or surround ourselves with others. Some of us are lonely even in a room full of people.
Many of us came to Narcotics Anonymous out of the desperate loneliness of our addiction. After coming to meetings, we begin to make new friends, and often our feelings of loneliness ease. But many of us must contend with loneliness throughout our recovery.
What is the cure for loneliness? The best cure is to begin a relationship with a Higher Power that can help fill the emptiness of our heart. We find that when we have a belief in a Higher Power, we never have to feel lonely. We can be alone more comfortably when we have a conscious contact with a God of our understanding.
We often find deep fulfillment in our interactions with others as we progress in our recovery. Yet we also find that, the closer we draw to our Higher Power, the less we need to surround ourselves with others. We begin to find a spirit within us that is our constant companion as we continue to explore and deepen our connection with a Power greater than ourselves. We realize we are spiritually connected with something bigger than we are.
––––=––––
Just for today: I will take comfort in my conscious contact with a Higher Power. I am never alone.

Copyright © 1991-2013 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved

[tomboystud]

We know "family values" very well. We preserve them.
Malcolm Boyd

We've discovered, as members of our communities, how much love and loyalty we have to share with other lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender friends and with people in recovery. Whatever our needs or problems, there is someone willing to share his or her wisdom and expertise with us; however lonely we feel, there is someone we can call who will try to understand what we're going through. When we have the willingness to reach out for support, we will find it.
We have much to give others in our communities. We have held out a hand to newcomers, listened to those in pain, helped care for the sick, and shared our talents and visions. We've been staunch in our support of one another and of our shared values. We've protested and celebrated together. We've held each other's hands in healing circles. We know that we can continue to count on others and be counted on. As the message on a pin worn at gay and lesbian rights marches says, "Love makes a family."

Today, I cherish my chosen family.

[LeftWriteFemme]

May 31



Black & Dedication


The brand of equipment endorsed by my Higher Power is built so that my hand is clasped inside lest I feel alone or unaided. A closed mouth and an open mind work very well when I can manage either of them and Step 10 works when I can’t. I am usually the problem in my life but I am always the solution. Others may change and contribute; I am the one and only one, responsible for my happiness. Dropping blame from my vocabulary and adding responsibility, learning to differentiate between what is mine and what is yours; these tools are keys and they open worlds of possibility to me. Also they shut out the demons of wrong thinking, wrong acting and desperation, which used to plague me. There are still greater tools I yearn for but like everything I must be patient and build my muscles to handle the heavier machinery.



Dine with hope


*

GULPING

The plug that lodges in my throat
From too much, too fast
Causes the anxiety to rise in me.

The panic fills my contracting muscles
Into rock solid revolt.
I can’t live, is the predictable result

Gulping attention, acclaim, excitement, sex,
Does the same thing
My heart clots and my personality stops in mid-flow

Everything in carefully chosen, well chewed bites
Makes the process proceed
My life works along workable paths

If I stay away from oversized freight
I can never swallow myself whole
Why would I keep trying to imbibe giants like desire?

[tomboystud]

May 31
Keep it simple
“We live a day at a time but also from moment to moment. When we stop living in the here and now, our problems become magnified unreasonably.”
Basic Text, p. 99
––––=––––
Life often seems too complicated to understand, especially for those of us who’ve dodged it for so long. When we stopped using drugs, many of us came face to face with a world that was confusing, even terrifying. Looking at life and all its details, all at once, may be overwhelming. We think that maybe we can’t handle life after all and that it’s useless to try. These thoughts feed themselves, and pretty soon we’re paralyzed by the imagined complexity of life.
Happily, we don’t have to fix everything at once. Solving a single problem seems possible, so we take them one at a time. We take care of each moment as it comes, and then take care of the next moment as it comes. We learn to stay clean just for today, and we approach our problems the same way. When we live life in each moment, it’s not such a terrifying prospect. One breath at a time, we can stay clean and learn to live.
––––=––––
Just for today: I will keep it simple by living in this moment only. Today, I will tackle only today’s problems; I will leave tomorrow’s problems to tomorrow.

Copyright © 1991-2013 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved

[tomboystud]

Without guests, the sweetest and healthiest food tastes bitter to the soul.
Michel Abehsera

We have loving friends, a supportive community, a path of growth and healing, and habits that help us maintain a relationship with our spirit. When we acknowledge how full and developed our lives are, it's easy and natural to share our wealth with others. Our smiles as we enter a room and greet others, the energy of our positive approach to life, our willingness to listen-all these are nurturing and life giving to those with whom we come into contact, both friends and strangers.
Giving to to others doesn't always have to involve long hours or arduous work. Simply showing up, genuinely paying attentions to what someone has to say, and offering a word or look of encouragement can help others feel welcome at the feast we ourselves are nourished by. Generosity comes easily when we see how far we'we already come and how rich we truly are in the things that matter most.

Today, I share my life's abundance with others.

[LeftWriteFemme]

June 1


I’m not Brian


I thought life was based on a system of ‘I will suffer and that will exempt you’. Then I would be horrified when you suffered, after I had already done so ahead of you. In an attempt to ease my dismay I would look to see who had broken the pact, you or me. Had I not endured sufficiently to protect you? Had you left the safety of the umbrella of sanctuary? Panic gives birth to blame and blame of course births nasty biting things that run loose and bury in all the tender spots. Now, the goals I tend are to end the breeding of those sharp and painful beasties, stop laying my neck upon the alter and start telling better jokes.




Scramble cracked perceptions

*


DANCE OF DEATH

Honeyed words pour from lips
Shades of doubt color my mind
Stained glass eyes look to blank walls
And picture the gallery of imagination
Attempting to sell it for hard currency

Sirens sing from the throats of mute men
The screams which rise in me fall on deaf ears
Paradox feeds controversy but it needn’t

Evolution from a cesspool is repugnant
Though process is steady made
Inertia is violent if that is from whence it came

Afterbirth is always bloody and humans not always nice
I must live and heal as others climb up and slide down
I must keep the beat and forget the dance of death.

[tomboystud]

May 31
Keep it simple
“We live a day at a time but also from moment to moment. When we stop living in the here and now, our problems become magnified unreasonably.”
Basic Text, p. 99
––––=––––
Life often seems too complicated to understand, especially for those of us who’ve dodged it for so long. When we stopped using drugs, many of us came face to face with a world that was confusing, even terrifying. Looking at life and all its details, all at once, may be overwhelming. We think that maybe we can’t handle life after all and that it’s useless to try. These thoughts feed themselves, and pretty soon we’re paralyzed by the imagined complexity of life.
Happily, we don’t have to fix everything at once. Solving a single problem seems possible, so we take them one at a time. We take care of each moment as it comes, and then take care of the next moment as it comes. We learn to stay clean just for today, and we approach our problems the same way. When we live life in each moment, it’s not such a terrifying prospect. One breath at a time, we can stay clean and learn to live.
––––=––––
Just for today: I will keep it simple by living in this moment only. Today, I will tackle only today’s problems; I will leave tomorrow’s problems to tomorrow.

Copyright © 1991-2013 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved

[tomboystud]

Recovery depends on continuing revelation.
David Crawford

Perhaps we sense that something is still standing in the way of our usefulness to our Higher Power, ourselves, and other human beings. We may be aware of a habit that feels addictive or of fears ore resentments that are holding us back, preventing us from fully using our gifts.
Step Six suggests that we become entirely ready for change. This means letting go of our illusions about the ways we limit our freedom and happiness-letting go of any denials or excuses. It means trusting that out attitudes and behaviors are capable of transformation. It does not mean attempting to force situations in which our fantasies of control haven't worked before. Being entirely ready means that we're honest about what hasn't succeeded in the past and that we're willing to accept our Higher Power's help. Genuine honesty and openness to change are the essence of the humility we need in order to grow.

Today, I look honestly at what stands in the way of my life's usefulness.

[tomboystud]

June 2
Sick and tired
“We wanted an easy way out.... When we did seek help, we were only looking for the absence of pain.”
Basic Text, p. 5
––––=––––
Something’s not working. In fact, something’s been wrong for a long time, causing us pain and complicating our lives. The problem is that, at any given moment, it always appears easier to continue bearing the pain of our defects than to submit to the total upheaval involved in changing the way we live. We may long to be free of pain, but only rarely are we willing to do what’s truly necessary to remove the source of pain from our lives.
Most of us didn’t begin seeking recovery from addiction until we were “sick and tired of being tired and sick.” The same is true of the lingering character defects we’ve carried through our lives. Only when we can’t bear our shortcomings one moment longer, only when we know that the pain of change can’t be as bad as the pain we’re in today, are most of us willing to try something different.
Thankfully, the steps are always there, no matter what we’re sick and tired of. The irony is that, as soon as we make the decision to begin the Twelve Step process, we realize our fears of change were groundless. The steps offer a gentle program of change, one step at a time. No single step is so frightening that we can’t work it, by itself. As we apply the steps to our lives, we experience a change that frees us.
––––=––––
Just for today: No matter what prevents me from living a full, happy life, I know the program can help me change, a step at a time. I need not be afraid of the Twelve Steps.

Copyright © 1991-2013 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved

[LeftWriteFemme]

June 2



The Attention Tax


Paying attention is the price exacted for living in this society. A taxation which is like a leach; it takes the life force, diverts my brain waves, claims the water rights to my river of thought. What is left I use to wash off what I can, never quite managing to feel clean or clear. I sit in the mud puddle still unsure if I understand what just happened; harboring a dark fear of the wave to come.





Cultivate creative ambition


*

BOTTLE THE ACID

My sponsor said “bottle the acid” and I did
I sat back in smug reflection until the plumbing backed up
I grabbed the fast solution and poured it down the drain.

My sponsor smiled as I learned ----
The baser things will eat my life away too.
I can never just decant power and expect it to clean sweep
The clogged pathways in my recovery.

Sloshing caustic medicine into open orifices brought me here
I long for the ease of a liquid resolution
In the end, I must clean the pipes myself.

The traps are simpler to cleanse the less I’ve lied
Telling myself I don’t have to get my hands
Or heart dirty is the biggest lie of all.

[LeftWriteFemme]

June 3



Soul Chiggers


If you can seed apprehension deeply in a generation, you can reap disillusionment for a hundred years. Bent foresight twists hindsight. Admiring ignorance, signs death’s warrant. Evil splintered to a thousand slivers burrows under the skin without killing their host. Death delayed spreads destruction along with melancholy; a septic contagion if ever there was one. And how do we fight this systemic blight? It is embedded in the water, the air, the mind, and try what I might; I can’t seem to live without any of these. Chiggers of the soul feed and breed no matter how I scratch and chew. I am raw, but still infested. How do I kill what is in me without killing the me?




Step up to indecision



*

THE WORM

Because there is never enough punishment
For those who inflict pain, I punish myself
Only I can tell if the depth of the pain is a match
Only I can judge when enough is enough.

This is the turn of the drunken worm--
Who lives in my brain
The belief that what began in pain
Must end there too.

Even now in recovery I persist in hurting myself
In a thousand tiny ways, setting trap after trap,
To catch the perpetrators, making my heart a mine field
A place unfit for me to live

I must sober the worm
And let myself off the hook.

[tomboystud]

June 3
Direct and indirect amends
“We make our amends to the best of our ability.”
Basic Text, p. 40
––––=––––
The Ninth Step tells us to make direct amends wherever possible. Our experience tells us to follow up those direct amends with long-lasting changes in our attitudes and our behavior—that is, with indirect amends.
For example, say we’ve broken someone’s window because we were angry. Looking soulfully into the eyes of the person whose window we’ve broken and apologizing would not be sufficient. We directly amend the wrong we’ve done by admitting it and replacing the window—we mend what we have damaged.
Then, we follow up our direct amends with indirect amends. If we’ve acted out on our anger, breaking someone’s window, we examine the patterns of our behavior and our attitudes. After we repair the broken window, we seek to repair our broken attitudes as well—we try to “mend our ways.” We modify our behavior, and make a daily effort not to act out on our anger.
We make direct amends by repairing the damage we do. We make indirect amends by repairing the attitudes that cause us to do damage in the first place, helping insure we won’t cause further damage in the future.
––––=––––
Just for today: I will make direct amends, wherever possible. I will also make indirect amends, “mending my ways,” changing my attitudes, and altering my behavior.

Copyright © 1991-2013 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved

[tomboystud]

Sorry I have been able to not post the other reading for a couple days. I have had a lot of things happen in my life the past couple of days. I am not even sure how I am feeling. I do know, however how to work through these feelings. I am talking to people, I am writing stuff down, I am calling my sponsor, and reading the literature. I know this too shall pass, but being in the middle of it sure doesn't feel like it. Faith in the midst of the storm is very trying sometimes.
Thanks for letting me share.
Aiden

[LeftWriteFemme]

June 4



Head Wringing


I have my say, though my fear is that I constantly repeat myself; very much the way a crow calls the same thing endlessly, but it all has different meanings to the crow. I would offer a code key to my readers if I could lay my hands on one. My mind whispers that the soothing people get from my work is like the calm induced by chanting monks. Possibly it is more the actor’s trick of reading repetitive lines each time putting the emphasis on a different word; a way of squeezing all the juice from nonsense. I jot ideas swearing these lines are to be found somewhere in my previous work, perhaps whole pages are redundant. Finally I stop this fight reminding myself I have but one voice and what I accuse myself of as similarity might merely be my style.




Find satisfaction in the middle, too


*

OPEN WINDOWS

I roll down the window in the rain
Hoping reality will soak in with the droplets
I tilt my face as I leave the car
And let the water shower my features.

The downpour is the jolt to living for which I have prayed
I stand on my lawn and rinse the day out of my hair
I clear my brain in the fresh rainwater.

The driving rain pounds the house and trees
But I feel massaged and cared for
My skin reflexive, teaches my mind to absorb and hydrate
I turn my thoughts to Greater Powers.

Even if the doors have been closed
I can open the windows
And let the rain come in.

Oh how I need to open that window and allow in the cleansing rain again.

My worm is getting all errrm wormy!

Stuck...stuck in uncertainty. Can I, can't I. Only me can do this one. That step four resentment list has got me by the proverbials. Doing step work usually means I live it alongside writing it and I just don't want to be living in/with those resentments.

I could write much about how I feel but don't feel safe enough. I guess I'll just put this bit out to the universe and the universal power.

God grant me the serenity...willingness, courage and discipline to do what I have to do.

[tomboystud]

Today is a new day and I am feeling much better. I am working through my feelings and not avoiding any of them. This is an amazing journey that in my wildest dreams I would have never guessed I would be this blessed.
Thanks for letting me share,
Aiden

[tomboystud]

Originally Posted by Daktari

Oh how I need to open that window and allow in the cleansing rain again.

My worm is getting all errrm wormy!

Stuck...stuck in uncertainty. Can I, can't I. Only me can do this one. That step four resentment list has got me by the proverbials. Doing step work usually means I live it alongside writing it and I just don't want to be living in/with those resentments.

I could write much about how I feel but don't feel safe enough. I guess I'll just put this bit out to the universe and the universal power.

God grant me the serenity...willingness, courage and discipline to do what I have to do.

Keep sharing about it. And thanks for sharing.

[tomboystud]

June 4
Build, don’t destroy
“Our negative sense of self has been replaced by a positive concern for others.”
Basic Text, p. 16
––––=––––
Spreading gossip feeds a dark hunger in us. Sometimes we think the only way we can feel good about ourselves is to make someone else look bad by comparison. But the kind of self-esteem that can be purchased at another’s expense is hollow and not worth the price.
How, then, do we deal with our negative sense of self? Simple. We replace it with a positive concern for others. Rather than dwell on our low self-esteem, we turn to those around us and seek to be of service to them.
This may seem to be a way of avoiding the issue, but it’s not. There’s nothing we can do by dwelling on our low sense of self except work ourselves into a stew of self-pity. But by replacing our self-pity with active, loving concern for others, we become the kind of people we can respect.
The way to build our self-esteem is not to tear others down, but to build them up through love and positive concern. To help us with this, we can ask ourselves if we are contributing to the problem or to the solution. Today, we can choose to build instead of destroy.
––––=––––
Just for today: Though I may be feeling low, I don’t need to tear someone down to build myself up. Today, I will replace my negative sense of self with a positive concern for others. I will build, not destroy.

Copyright © 1991-2013 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved

[tomboystud]

June 5
Honest prayer
“Although honesty is difficult to practice, it is most rewarding.”
Basic Text, p. 96
––––=––––
How difficult we find it to be honest! Many of us come to NA so confused about what really happened in our lives that it sometimes takes months and years to sort it all out. The truth of our history is not always as we have told it. How can we begin to be more truthful?
Many of us find it the easiest to be honest in prayer. With our fellow addicts, we sometimes find that we have a hard time telling the whole truth. We feel certain that we won’t be accepted if we let others know us as we really are. It’s hard to live up to the “terminally hip and fatally cool” image so many of us portrayed! In prayer, we find an acceptance from our Higher Power that allows us to open our hearts with honesty.
As we practice this honesty with the God of our understanding, we often find that it has a ripple effect in our communications with others. We get in the habit of being honest. We begin to practice honesty when we share at meetings and work with others. In return, we find our lives enriched by deepening friendships. We even find that we can be more honest with ourselves, the most important person to be truthful with!
Honesty is a quality that is developed through practice. It isn’t always easy to be totally truthful, but when we begin with our Higher Power, we find it easier to extend our honesty to others.
––––=––––
Just for today: I will be honest with God, myself, and others.

[LeftWriteFemme]

June 5



The Hope Diamond


My guess is the same god that wants me stupid also wants me to suffer. I ask myself what could be all powerful about that? I wonder is G-d like a friend or a lover? I carefully chose my friends whereas my lover found me against my greatest plans and well thought out rules. And if this is to be like marriage, may I file for divorce if things go astray? Or am I stuck with this match, like I am stuck with my deformed ear there underneath my hat or fringe of hair? I never thought of my relationship with G-d like a necklace I could take on and off at will, though the more I study it seems this beautiful thing enhances my beauty if all is right and will strangle me if it gets hung up.





Sort genius from fortune


*

RED ROSES

From tight green buds come beautiful roses.
From small verdant places I blossom too.
I open to richness unexpected and fullness unbelieved.

I look at crumpled laundry
Never anticipating the look of clean sheets blowing on the line
Doors I perceive as blocked by vast boulders
Are thrown open by willingness.

Who I am today is no one I recognize
I didn’t see myself coming.
I write though I can’t spell
I love though my heart is broken.

I think though my mind is warped
And I trust though the amulet is long shattered.
Promise is not a laid out plan but the continuum of change
I can fight it or let it carry me where it goes.