How did/will you treat your children?

[Blade]

In what ways have you treated or will you treat your children differently from the way you were treated?

If you've already raised children and could do it again knowing what you know now, what would you do differently?

Did you continue on with anything that your parents did?

[scootebaby]

Evening Blade.....cool subject..im only gonna do a quick response as i have had a lond day,and gotta be up at the buttcrack of dawn.

My son was a product of sexual assault,but he is the best thing to EVER happen to me in so many ways...without going into a lot of details,by the time he made his appearance in this world i parented both from a place of deep guilt(for several yrs) and spoling him rotten..to this day i am still a tad overprotected,he is still mama's boy at the core,and the best part is--despite my best efforts he has turned into a well rounded,smart young man.

as far as changing anything i would like to say i wouldnt give into his every whim,but im sure if given the chance i wouldn't do anything differently

[DapperButch]

I don't have any children. My partner has a son, but I did not come into his life until he was 15 years old and although he sees me as a "parental figure", since I came so late into the game (and have only been in his life for a couple of years), I am not regarded as his parent, per se.

My guess, is that even with all my education in human development and psychological theory, I would not parent as well as my parents did. They were just too good at parenting, too giving. Doubt I could match it.

If I had a child I would replicate the setting of limits, setting of boundaries, and emotional support I received as a child.

The only thing that I can think of to change, is that I would expect the child to pay towards their college education, even if I was able to afford to pay all of it. I see it as a character building sort of thing and their having an investment in their education.

[JustJo]

Hmmmm, where to start?

I'm far from the perfect parent (just ask Scoote )....I have no doubt that I'm over-protective, over-indulgent and several other "overs."

I also have no doubt where it comes from, and I wouldn't change it.

My parenting is the polar opposite to the parenting I (didn't) receive. My mother is angry, narcissistic and didn't want to be a mother...and it showed. I was taught early that my needs didn't count, and my value was determined by how hard I work and what I did for other people. Even at 49 I find myself still trying to please her...ridiculous...but still there.

My father left when I was 3 or 4 and said he'd rather go to jail than pay child support. He was true to his word, and we grew up in poverty that I don't even like to think about as a result of that choice (coupled with the choices my mother made).

My mother called my sister and I her roommates...and made no secret of the fact that she wished we didn't exist.

I was not protected...physically, emotionally or sexually...ever, that I can recall.

I was never told that I was loved...ever, that I can recall.

I remember hugging my mother when I was 18 and feeling her stiffen up and try to pull away. I resisted and (being stronger) basically made her stand there and take it. She did, but she never said a word about it after either. We don't hug. We don't kiss. We don't say "I love you." We never did, and we don't to this day.

So.... my son gets an allowance "for breathing" as Scoote says. We hug. We kiss. He can pile onto my lap on the couch (despite being 13, as tall as me and about 120 lbs). I tuck him into bed. I kiss him goodnight. I tell him I love him....when I drop him off at school, when he goes to sleep at night, and sometimes randomly in between just because.

I'll support him through college....well, through a BA or BS. If he wants graduate school (which I encourage) then he can go into debt like his mama did!

Luckily, he's not a spoiled brat. He appreciates what he gets. He's kind and sensitive. He's klutsy and messy and a bit dense in that teenage boy way at times....but he genuinely cares about people. And, most important to me, he knows that he's loved, accepted and appreciated for exactly who he is.

[Blade]

I did some of both. I stole some of my parents ideas and I came up with some of my own. I said as most kids do....I'll never do that to my kids! Did I eat my words...of course I did. However there were things that I didn't repeat and do as my parents did.

[sylvie]

Originally Posted by Blade

In what ways have you treated or will you treat your children differently from the way you were treated?

great topic Blade, i've been wanting to answer this for awhile, just haven't found the time to sit and respond like i wanted to..

my parenting experience is completely different from the way i was raised. my father is an alcoholic and was very absent from my childhood because of this.. even when i was with him, he wasn't 'there'.. my mother - was a very angry individual who did not like being a Mom, whatsoever.. i was always fending for myself, taking care of me the best way i could and grew up very lonely & feeling unprotected..

my parents broke up when i was 8 years old, which if things weren't bad enough before that they got increasingly worse by living with my mother.. She began going to bars, having boyfriends & i became a last priority in her life for a very long while. i have some major anger issues towards her for things that happened through my life and she failed to protect me for (which i have difficulty talking about coupled with the fact i'm very private..) - so i won't go on about those here..they're things i am working on, daily though..

i will say though, my aunt (godmother) would rescue me for weeks at a time during summer months each year to give me a sense of normal in my life, and i grew very fond of her and my 2 cousins who i continue to be close with today - my godmother unfortuneately passed away in 2000, but i credit her with my strong morals, my easygoing personality and anything good in my upbringing because she was indeed the most beautiful soul i know...she taught me about loving & being loved, what it felt like to matter , and i think my morals are so strong because of how wonderful her family unit felt, the strength in that and the caring & love they all showed one another.. the support was overwhelming..

my parents, to this day don't tell me they love me .. i have said i loved them a number of times through life (when i was younger), to which i got a blank stare.. i do love them.. i'm angry still about things, and some things i can't forgive, but i love them.. and i choose to let go of some things for my own well being (but not forget).. i struggle within myself, and seek ways to heal my inner being daily, and don't feel the need to lash that out on them or anyone.. i just want everyone well & happy.. i am content that i get some form of attention from them now (positive attention).. isn't always positive, but i try weeding through that.. i just work on keeping myself well, emotionally & physically now, instead ...

my mother, in the last few years has apologized and wants a relationship with me, which i accept.. (it surprised me that i would..) i have always fought for the attention of my parents.. but, it's also awkward and isn't what you would call a close relationship, but she's good to my children, and that makes it worthwhile.. that they don't know my mother the way i do..

With all of that said, i vowed through life, that when i had children, i would always be there for them, be their voice when they couldn't.. protect them, and let them know that i'm one being in their world they can always, ALWAYS count on to love them, with every bit of my heart and soul.. And that is what i have lived by, in raising them.

Originally Posted by Blade

If you've already raised children and could do it again knowing what you know now, what would you do differently?

i don't think i would do anything differently.. i am not a perfect parent, and i've made many mistakes along the way, but it not only helped me grow as an individual, but also my children too.. Together as a family unit, we are so strong.. i know i have put my absolute ALL into ensuring these 2 children are loved, protected and encouraged to do their best at all times.. They've strong morals, and have grown into responsible, beautiful individuals who are open minded, so loving and compassionate to all human kind no matter race, gender, size, etc.. i couldn't be any prouder than i am today, as a mother and although i would LOVE the experience to go back and parent again - it wouldn't be because i felt i needed to change anything but simply because i'm feeling empty nest coming on some and i miss those lil darlings who held my hand to cross the street and smiled at me through foodstained smiles..

Parenting used to be something i was always scared to fail.. i think because my parents (i felt) failed me often..But i realized over time, it's almost impossible to fail your children so long as you love them from the depths of your soul, let them know that you are there for them, for ANYthing, always and keep striving to show them the path of good, responsible decisions.. They won't always choose that path, but learning life's lessons is necessary for everyone but i'll always be by their side helping them find their way back...

i try not to ever regret decisions i make.. and although i'm not a perfect parent, we work through the problems as a family and take the lesson

Originally Posted by Blade

Did you continue on with anything that your parents did?

No.. but, a lot of my parenting comes from my godmother, Irene.. (RIP).. That woman adored life, saw beauty in the smallest things.. She was an artist, she was big on family, loved her friends dearly and was always well mannered, honest, soft spoken and VERY caring to anyone & everyone in her path.

So, these have been lessons i've passed on t o my children.. to be kind to all those in their path, the importance of family, being well mannered and responsible, authentic.. honest... And though sometimes my children throw me lil curveballs to keep me on my toes and stress me over decisions they've made, in talking with them about their actions (we always communicate things soo thoroughly).. i always feel their morals, and strengths and gentle selves shine through..

i know i've written a book here, i'm passionate about my children and their well being! thanks again for a great topic Blade! ♥

[Toughy]

I say lock them in the closet, throw a bag of cookies in there every week or so...........don't let them out til they are 18 and then put them out of the house.........

[Goo]

Where to begin? Me and my girl have talked about this numerous times. We plan on having kids within the next year or two. I plan on being the one to carry the baby...
As for parenting styles, we plan on raising him/her with an open mind and open arms. I dont want them to feel like they cant come to us with their problems, as we both experienced with our parents. I want to create an atmosphere where they can be comfortable with us.
I dont know if that makes sense...but it sure made sense in my head...

[Bard]

Ok I have a very young very smart daughter she is 7. her bio mom and I split when she was 3.5 Goose s with me every other weekend and I pay support and then some because she is my daughter I want her to have the best we both can provide for her. As for me I am the product of a functional alcoholic and a absent father.. I had a nanny from the time I was one month old and thank god for her and her family because from them I learned unconditional love, my folks split when I was 3 and from my moms side all I ever heard was how rotten my dad was from my dads side of the family how awful my mom was. My dad saw me for a while but then it got to hard I would cry when he would drop me off and he could not take that also one day my step dad backhanded me in front of him and my dad almost lost it. so pretty much my mom handed me off to anyone who would take me. at 9 years of age she drove her car off a cliff and was gone the last thing I ever said to her was I hate you and I never want to see you again. I was then sent to my dad who I had not seen in years and his new wife yeah that did not go well soo off to the grandparents I was sent and then to a foster home at 16. I saw to much at a young age learned I was not wanted and yes there was abuse.

Now when we had Abby I was worried I would not be a good mom but I just try to be like my Mommie2 was to me I tell her I love her every day and that I am proud of her I never say harsh words about my ex in front of her and she know she can call me anytime of the day or night I will be there for her love her support her and never let her doubt for a second that she is loved by me and now By "her Shannon" I am firm with her but we talk it out

Now as for my Dad we have come full circle when I was 18 we had a long talk an I told him things about my childhood that made him cry .. in the time after Abby was born he has been my rock and he loves that child more then anything he is a good man who can admit the things that went wrong

SO I hope C. Louse Long is in heaven looking down and proud of me as a parent
and I know my dad is he tells me all the time

[Lillie]

Originally Posted by Blade

In what ways have you treated or will you treat your children differently from the way you were treated?I chose to break the cycle of violence. My son is 24 and he was spanked once as a child, my daughter is 17 and she was spanked 2x. I chose a different path to teach them. I think that they live a great life because of it. I am proud of both of them. They will always come first in my heart and in my life. Thats very different than how I was raised.

If you've already raised children and could do it again knowing what you know now, what would you do differently?I think I would not hold on as tight to my 2nd child as I have. She has taught me a valuable lesson this past year. I am learning to let go of my own fears and let her live her life (within bounderies) as a teenager who I can trust

Did you continue on with anything that your parents did?No I did not. I chose different traditions and different ways of life. My kids never knew what a selfish parent was, never knew what a beating with a belt was...never knew what it was like to stay in a car at the age of 8 all dressed for easter and not allowed to go up to granma's house for easter dinner because she didnt want to wear a bow in her hair!.. I chose to start fresh..as if it should have been through my eyes growing up!.

The one think I also chose never to do was to allow anyne to tell me how to parent. I just enjoyed my kids..in all the things they did. I remember when my father came for a visit and was just appauled that my son had melted most of the army men on the radiator in my apartment. He started to yell at my son..and my son told him "gpa why are u upset..momma showed me how" ! lol..shut my dad right up..hahaha..After that my father never attempted to yell or scold my children..perhaps it was the look he got from me that very first time..or perhaps because before him stood a daughter he thought would be a tyrant like him but who was no such tyrant. Please understand I do not fault my dad for his behavior..He did what he believed he had to do to raise us..I just chose to break it and go off on my own to raise mine, with heart and love and understanding. And I honestly don't/didn't give a shit what anyone said about it..they were mine and I did what I had to do!..

[Heart]

I had two goals as a parent, based upon what I did NOT want to repeat from my own childhood:

I prioritized my son. Even in the context of many adult changes in my life, I did everything I could to keep his needs front and center. Yet, I did not sacrifice myself for him - as I do not think that makes for healthy parenting.

I always listened to and honored his feelings, even when i could not give him what he wanted. This meant talking, honesty, choices, and boundaries.

My son, now 18, is doing great in school, in his activities, and in his relationships. But I always say that it's up to my son, not me, to determine what kind of a job I did as a parent.

But I know that I did a better job than my parents were able to do, and I am proud of that.

Heart

[Tcountry]

First...I was raised in a 'good' family...in most senses of the Midwestern country values you could imagine. I have noever had the best communication with my folks BUT I have never once questioned how much they love me or care about my life...even now.
I never went to bed without hearing "I love you"
I played many sports and at least one of them was at EVERY game (even if my dad had to show up in uniform cause he was working)
I had chances to mess up and be forgiven and always know their support(love) is there

I took the things I learned from them and actively put them into my 7 yrs with 2 beautiful girls. I was always there for them and at times felt like a single parent (even though ther mother lived in the same house and their father in the same town). They were/are not legally or biologically mine BUT they were my girls in every other sense. I was there for every gymnastics class, dance recital, school concert, first day of school....I called their grandma when something was coming up to make sure she would be there. I organized every birthday party, pool party, and sleep over...(even dragged my butt across county multi times when the oldest got scared at 2am at a friend's and wanted to come home now).
I can tell you the hardest thing in the world to me was leaving their mom...not because of her but because of them. We had the worst partner relationship I have ever experienced and even after we decided for it to be over we stayed in the same house for months to keep things consistent for the girls. She decided to move them out on am emotional day and to not allow me to see them for months...THAT was the hardest thing ever. NOW their mother has realized that the girls are a big part of my life, and I am a big part of theirs. Even though we live in different towns now...thanks to mail and email and txt/phone calls...we are connected. It is hard but they are great girls and understand that their mom is "nicer" now...lol I do believe that I have been able to teach them how to be genuinely good people, and they may not have had that opportunity without me in their lives.

And even though I NEVER want to lose my kids ever again...Yes...I still want a family...Yes I still will treat them like they are the world and no matter what they can call or txt or whatever any time they need/want to talk. Family has and will always be a priority.
Kids will never go to bed without the I love you's
They will never know what is is like to not feel important
Hugs and snuggles and genuine caring are readily avaliable
They will learn and know the value of helping others and being good people
As well as being responsible/productive members of society

Yeah...I welcome the opportunity to start again with Sunshyne...and love that she welcomes the girls as a part of my life, and she is not only ok with that but makes sure I am continuing my role in their life.

[jelli]

I am one of the people that learned how to parent by mainly doing the exact opposite of how my parentals contributed to my childhood.

I've had to learn patience not only for our kids, but for myself. I am not perfect. I will make mistakes. I will continue to learn, grow, and apologize. And all of that is okay.

[jelli]

Paul Harvey Writes:





We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them

worse.

For my grandchildren, I'd like better.



I'd really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and

homemade ice

cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would.



I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn

honesty by

being cheated.



I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the

car.



And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are

sixteen.



It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your

old

dog put to sleep.



I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in.



I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother/sister.

And

it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the

room,but

when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I

hope

you let him.



When you want to see a movie and your little brother/sister wants to

tag

along, I hope you'll let him/her.



I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you

live

in a town where you can do it safely.



On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your

driver to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with

someone

as uncool as your Mom.



If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one

instead

of buying one



I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books.



When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and

subtract

in your head.



I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on

a

boygirl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what

ivory

soap tastes like.



May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove

and

stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.



I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it. And

if a

friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your

friend.





I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandma/Grandpa

and go

fishing with your Uncle.



May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.



I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your

neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at

Hannukah/Christmas

time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand.



These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard work

and

happiness. To me, it's the only way to appreciate life.

[Blade]

One thing I did differently was listen. Instead of jumping to conclusions and raising hell at the kids, I'd question and listen.

My parents always grounded me after I was about 10 yrs old, if I was in trouble I was grounded and I did still get some spankings even well after I was a teenager. I never grounded BJ from anything that I can remember, his punishment was always work. Be it digging holes, or filling the hole, or moving the dirt from one place to another in the yard. Sometimes I'd have him drive nails in wood just to pull them out the next time. Whatever his punishment it was always something he could do alone, so he could think about what he was in trouble for. Suprisingly he has great work ethics and loves to work.

The greatest compliment a parent could have came 7 yrs ago BJ's girlfriend asked me how old was he when I got him. I said 6 or 7 on the weekends and holidays and all summer and 11 or 12 when he came to live here. She said, "He adores you". So maybe I did do something right.

[jelli]

One day our son, G, got really angry about something and stormed off saying, "I hate being here!"

Cruel responded, "I know you're angry, I still want you here and I'm still going to love you."

Always a lesson to be learned or shown...

[jelli]

Caleb "played" me...

I had been outside mowing grass (trying to keep my mind off other things)

Caleb needed to work off some money he borrowed through mowing grass.

Got Caleb started, wasn't long before he was in crying/complaining it was hot out, he had a headache, etc etc...

I let him stay in and said after dinner he could finish.

KNOCK! KNOCK! (the neighbor boy)

"Can we jump on your trampoline with the kids?"

Caleb *SPRUNG* up and was ready to go play...

I let him go out with the neighbor boy... (I shouldn't have)

::: stood outside listened to him tell neighbor boy about his head and that maybe he'd just jump a little :::

I called Caleb in and explained I shouldn't have let him go out, if it's to hot to mow its to hot to play.

Caleb and the other boy were instantly asking if they could go to the neighbor's house and play INside.

Again, I let him. Again, I had to call him back after realizing he just got over on me...

Explained that yes it was hot and he could come in as often as he needed to get a drink or whatever but he was going to mow the grass and THEN he could go off and play.

::: insert a little whine more for my benefit then anything else :::

Caleb mowed fast *AND* thoroughly (Cruel checked behind him, we learned to INSPECT what we EXPECT) and then he left to go have fun.

No headache or at least not complaining about one...

I learned.

[Firedance]

So, the thing is…

Since early childhood I have been really invested in having kids and giving them a good start in life. You know, the one I didn't get. I mean, I knew my parents had screwed up, but I thought the model, (Hetero) was the way to go. You know… One Dad, one Mom, both working together to create this safe time and place for the little ones to grow and develop. This is something I had to do. A deep need I have. To nurture life. And yeah, part of it is redemption… righting wrongs, Karmic balance taken into my own hands. A need to prove with my own life, my own actions that humanity IS a beautiful thing. To make that ultimate of optimistic bets, with the highest possible stakes. Life IS a thing of beauty. I had 4 children to prove this to the universe. My ultimate act of defiance. "I WILL bring these precious, helpless creatures into existence, and I will love, nurture, & protect them with every ounce of my strength. And it WILL BE enough.

I am gabling with their lives. I feel this tremendous pressure to NOT FUCK UP!!!

The attempt to fit myself into a mould that wasn't me was warping who I am. I've worked HARD, to put this smile on my face. I am a happy fucking person. I experience joy, and profound meaning in my daily life. Except I wasn't. I found myself expending more and more energy bottling up rage. Constant rage. Instead of knowing joy when I looked upon my children I started seeing little parasites that were going to drain me of myself. Needless to say, it wasn't them. It wasn't the guy I was with, (who may just deserve sainthood). It was me. It was living a lie so I could defy the universe. Except… it wasn't a lie exactly. I didn't know Femme was an option. And so did my best to live this life with all the integrity I could.

Even so…
I was losing me. I paid such a high price for self-hood. So I did it. I struck out on my own, terrified that I was ruining my children's existence. I knew I didn't know how to be a Good Mom on my own. But I knew I wasn't being a Good Mom as I was. And so I doubled down. I bet that I could be true to myself, that I could shatter my Hetero life, that I could rip apart the only family they have ever known, AND be a Good Mom. I bet that meeting my needs would end up being good for them too.

Together, their father and I kept their world together. The only thing I could think to do was maintain stability. They see their Mom and Dad every day. He and I work well together. While I tore my world down to the foundations and reexamined everything, while my life was utter chaos, their world was safe. Not unchanged, but safe, loved. Most of this last year it took every ounce of energy I had to be present. To shelter them … to make good on the bet I was suddenly unsure I could cover.

Now… I smile more, I laugh more. These days my smile is so genuine it stops strangers in their tracks, these days my walk is a dance to the song in my heart. And my kids, My Darling Precious, Gift-From-God Children, are what I see when I look down at their faces. I see the world-shattering gift of their unquestioning trust. My love for them carries all of us through the crying, the fits, the temper-tantrums, the sorrow that comes from learning life's hard lessons. My love for them soars with them in the middle of dinosaur-poop jokes. We fly together in the joy a piece of gum can bring, day after day. All of us, together, creating this family, that looks nothing like I thought it HAD to. Together, we knit together the fabric of FAMILY. Daily I show them what love is. That no matter what the subject, "Some people do, some people don't". that, "Nothing is more important than Family", and even Moms make mistakes, and they apologize when they do. That Nothing, NOTHING will ever stop my love, and that every aspect of who they are is no less than divinely inspired. Daily, I do my utmost to live up to the trust in their eyes.

These days being a Mom delights me, instead of draining me. More and more, I'm proud of the job I'm doing. Less and less, am I afraid of that unforeseeable giant fuck up that will ruin the rest of their lives. I am Emerging, and we are ALL ever so much better for it.

I KNOW there are more challenges in store for all of us in the future. Now, I have a measure of peace about those hurdles life is bound to throw at us. This foundation I am giving them is a good one. Their family is Rock-Fucking-Solid, our love for each other is unshakeable, and the only childhood they will ever know is one where they were loved, nurtured, and protected.

So yeah, you hear that Universe?!?!?
I win this fucking bet.
I am a Good Mom.
Humanity can be beautiful.

[Silverseastar]

I was raised by a loving single mom. She had my younger brother and I and was back at university as soon as I hit 5 years old and worked part time as well. She always said she loved us and did her best to show it. There was never any violence or spanking.

But things happened because there was only one of her. Just not quite enough to go around.

What I did the same was the loving no violence pieces. I was more involved and consistent with my kids- did home birth, home school, and real hands on parenting.

Then my youngest child got ill with a disease and our lives were turned into chaos for several years. All the fear and hospital stays created a dramatic stressful environment and the best we could do was cope. It had an impact on the levels of energy for anything else. Once her remission hit it opened doors for "normal" again only she was an angry teenager who felt she lost some of the best years of her life. That was a fun time- not.

If I could change some things- I would have got her into therapy right away. Actually all of us. I would have asked for direct help versus hoping/waiting others would see what was needed and volunteer.

Parenting is tough and profoundly rewarding. My two daughters rock my world in mostly good ways. I could do without the drama that occasionally occurs between two teenage sisters tho

[Rivkeh]

Originally Posted by jelli

[COLOR="Sienna"]I am one of the people that learned how to parent by mainly doing the exact opposite of how my parentals contributed to my childhood.
/COLOR]

Yes-exactly what I did!