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Old 05-22-2019, 06:56 PM   #461
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Femmewench, thank you for your thoughtful words and insights. It's a worthwhile idea to observe my mother when I'm not helping her; it's just so hard to watch her struggle and be frustrated.

I admit I've been remiss in getting all that paperwork completed for myself. Thank goodness we do have everything in order for my mom.

It is my and my sister's goal to have her live in her own home as long as she wants to and is capable of doing so. She already spends about a third of her time at my sister's house, living in her own suite. At some point, I expect she will get tired of bouncing back and forth, but for now it suits her to live in two places.

Best wishes.
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Old 09-10-2019, 02:06 AM   #462
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My mom has lived with me for a year. I feel like I lost a little of me in this. I like my independence but that seems lost too. I had shoulder surgery and everytime she heard me get up she came running. I know it is sweet but sometimes I need to be alone. I was under the weather this weekend and she did leave me alone, I was grateful for that. It's hard because I like to be alone.
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Old 09-21-2019, 01:33 PM   #463
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Dementia is hard, that’s all there is to it.

A couple of times in the last couple of weeks when I have called my mother it has to be explained to her who I am before she can get on the phone. Over the last few years I’ve been learning how to cope with these bumps in the road as each new development comes along. I know that she has forgotten my life, her life, and her 60 year marriage. But I call her often enough that she knows my name, my voice, and that I am a force for good. We are getting to the point where this is starting to erode.

I know in my mind that this is the natural progression of what she’s going through, and it is not her fault. Each of these steps though, still hurt the first couple of times they happen. I adapt and accept and get over it pretty quickly learning each time that this is the new normal.

It still sucks.
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Old 09-21-2019, 02:24 PM   #464
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Dementia is hard, that’s all there is to it.

A couple of times in the last couple of weeks when I have called my mother it has to be explained to her who I am before she can get on the phone. Over the last few years I’ve been learning how to cope with these bumps in the road as each new development comes along. I know that she has forgotten my life, her life, and her 60 year marriage. But I call her often enough that she knows my name, my voice, and that I am a force for good. We are getting to the point where this is starting to erode.

I know in my mind that this is the natural progression of what she’s going through, and it is not her fault. Each of these steps though, still hurt the first couple of times they happen. I adapt and accept and get over it pretty quickly learning each time that this is the new normal.

It still sucks.

That's got to be so incredibly hard on you Kelt. My sincerest condolences to you, as you walk your mother 'home'.

Your post about your mother's dementia squares with an event that happened yesterday at work, while taking calls on the corporate reception telephone line. There's this elderly gentleman, with a southern Mississippi drawl, that draws you in for the 'klll'. He calls at weird random times; I'm guessing it's when his care attendants and nursing staff don't see him pick up the phone.... but he's got dementia super bad. At first, his voice is disarming. You feel like he's got your best interest at heart. Until, he lashes out at you in the most vitriolic of ways, which are as equally disarming. He kept calling the corporate line, wanting to talk to his favorite salesman on the sales and service team. Two minutes after his first call, which I patched through to the sales and service team, I get a call from his favorite sales and service contact on campus. I was told that "Clayton" had dementia and that next time he called, to stall for time, so IT could go behind the 'scene' to establish the identity of the phone number he was calling from... so they could permanently ban him from being able to call and harass the sales and service staff. When they disclosed the story behind the horror show this person was capable of, upending the whole entire day with his cut-throat vitriol, I felt incredibly sad for the sales and service staff, as well as the elderly gentleman who had the disarming Mississippi southern drawl. Dementia is indeed, an very unsettling medical condition for the person affected by it; and also for the people who care for those affected by this life altering end-of-life-story condition.

My heart goes out to you, as you navigate your mother's care.
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Old 09-21-2019, 03:31 PM   #465
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That's got to be so incredibly hard on you Kelt. My sincerest condolences to you, as you walk your mother 'home'.

Your post about your mother's dementia squares with an event that happened yesterday at work, while taking calls on the corporate reception telephone line. There's this elderly gentleman, with a southern Mississippi drawl, that draws you in for the 'klll'. He calls at weird random times; I'm guessing it's when his care attendants and nursing staff don't see him pick up the phone.... but he's got dementia super bad. At first, his voice is disarming. You feel like he's got your best interest at heart. Until, he lashes out at you in the most vitriolic of ways, which are as equally disarming. He kept calling the corporate line, wanting to talk to his favorite salesman on the sales and service team. Two minutes after his first call, which I patched through to the sales and service team, I get a call from his favorite sales and service contact on campus. I was told that "Clayton" had dementia and that next time he called, to stall for time, so IT could go behind the 'scene' to establish the identity of the phone number he was calling from... so they could permanently ban him from being able to call and harass the sales and service staff. When they disclosed the story behind the horror show this person was capable of, upending the whole entire day with his cut-throat vitriol, I felt incredibly sad for the sales and service staff, as well as the elderly gentleman who had the disarming Mississippi southern drawl. Dementia is indeed, an very unsettling medical condition for the person affected by it; and also for the people who care for those affected by this life altering end-of-life-story condition.

My heart goes out to you, as you navigate your mother's care.
I don’t want to give the wrong impression. While it is very common with dementia patients to be agitated, angry, paranoid, and subject to personality changes; this is not the case with my mother. She has gone mostly what I call “ragdoll“ she is very sweet and doesn’t ask anybody for anything. I am able to joke with her that she has become the ultimate Buddha with no past and no future, now everything for her is a mildly pleasant surprise, she lives in the present. In this I know that I am very lucky, my hurts are just about watching her drift away. It is difficult to be forgotten by someone when you are right there.
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Old 09-21-2019, 06:18 PM   #466
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Im taking care of mom full time now. Dementia. FUCK!
I have much gratitude for the fine quantity of hair I posses or I would have surely pulled it all out today.
I have so much more gratitude that mom is still with me who always reminded me while in HER care that “no matter how hard you think you got it someone else has is worse”. But still, FUCK!
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Old 11-01-2019, 09:53 PM   #467
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My life before becoming a caregiver was slammed now I live an exhausted life. My job days are between 10-17 hours a day, I come home and take care of mom and then travel 80 - 90 percent of the time. I cook all weekend so that mom has yummy home cooked food all week. I am exhausted everyday.
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Old 11-15-2019, 04:45 PM   #468
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This afternoon I ran into a dear friend of 32 years. She asked me how I was doing and I told her about the shoulder surgery. She asked me about my mom and I said okay but I was trying to get her into PT. Lastly, she asked me how I was doing balancing my heavy workload, business travel, medical appointments, and caring for mom all by myself.

I looked at her sweet face and knew that I had to be honest so I told her the truth. I am overwhelmed and exhausted everyday.

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Old 11-15-2019, 06:17 PM   #469
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This afternoon I ran into a dear friend of 32 years. She asked me how I was doing and I told her about the shoulder surgery. She asked me about my mom and I said okay but I was trying to get her into PT. Lastly, she asked me how I was doing balancing my heavy workload, business travel, medical appointments, and caring for mom all by myself.

I looked at her sweet face and knew that I had to be honest so I told her the truth. I am overwhelmed and exhausted everyday.

chad, they have so many programs for the elderly, or companions that will come to your own home , senior citizen programs. with or without health limitations. I'm sure you must have checked into it. Let someone or program help you, Your (((( mom )))) will like it too ! good luck
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Old 11-15-2019, 07:56 PM   #470
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Mom went for a little stroll last night, 4 AM.

“She was wearing just her pajamas and had made it out of the house down the ADA ramps to the parking lot and was heading for the street. She had her walker filled with items that she was going to sell to a Vietnamese woman.“

Those are the chart notes. It was 31°. The part of the state she lives in now and has for the last 30 years has roughly zero Vietnamese population. We may be entering a new stage. One of the reasons I chose the house she is living in now is that they don’t believe in locking people down because they are a memory patient. The back door she used as exit is near her room and the door has an alarm on it, they will start setting the alarm at night but otherwise just keep a close eye on her and go with her when she takes a stroll. If needed they will also add motion sensors.

*sigh*
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Old 11-16-2019, 07:46 AM   #471
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chad, they have so many programs for the elderly, or companions that will come to your own home , senior citizen programs. with or without health limitations. I'm sure you must have checked into it. Let someone or program help you, Your (((( mom )))) will like it too ! good luck

Thanks, I asked mom to call her insurance to see if it would pay for a service like Visiting Angel's but she has not done it. I hope to have time to make some of these calls over the Thanksgiving holidays.
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Old 11-16-2019, 07:49 PM   #472
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Mom went for a little stroll last night, 4 AM.
I'm sorry to hear this, Kelt. It's scary when things like this happen. At least you have her in a place where they seem to keep a close eye on her, and hopefully it will be even closer from now on.
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Old 11-17-2019, 11:00 AM   #473
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Thanks, I asked mom to call her insurance to see if it would pay for a service like Visiting Angel's but she has not done it. I hope to have time to make some of these calls over the Thanksgiving holidays.
chad, the senior programs do all that , they find out her coverage and the programs that fall under her guidelines. Call them and give them her information they will provide options so no one has to make the calls. it's what our TAXES pay for. They would be out of jobs if they couldn't do the work for our senior's I am in Massachusetts so I hope the programs are the same in Texas. I am assuming it's nation wide.
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Old 11-17-2019, 11:30 AM   #474
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Hey, I come to Mass every year you must be hiding. Ha!

I will check into it. Thanks.
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Old 11-17-2019, 11:49 AM   #475
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This afternoon I ran into a dear friend of 32 years. She asked me how I was doing and I told her about the shoulder surgery. She asked me about my mom and I said okay but I was trying to get her into PT. Lastly, she asked me how I was doing balancing my heavy workload, business travel, medical appointments, and caring for mom all by myself.

I looked at her sweet face and knew that I had to be honest so I told her the truth. I am overwhelmed and exhausted everyday.

Chad, the Department of Aging offers some assistance, but there are guidelines of income and such that one must meet to qualify. I would say to contact them, it couldn't hurt.
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Old 11-17-2019, 02:51 PM   #476
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My mom called and left me three voice mails this morning. I didn't hurry to call her back because I just spoke to her last night. But when I did call her back this morning, it turns out she has come up with some scheme to come stay with me for awhile and help me recuperate from my bout with pneumonia.

When I first got pneumonia, she told me how she wanted to come help me, but couldn't remember how to drive to my house. I thought my sister and I had talked her out of it. That was two-ish weeks ago.

Last night when I talked to her, I told her how much better I am doing, and that friends have been around to help me out. I'm going back to work tomorrow, and I have been on a couple of outings (doctor visits) that led me to believe I will be able to handle getting from the parking deck to my office. She said all the appropriate things last night, like she understood what I was saying. But then this morning she calls with this complicated plan to come and stay with me and nurse me back to health.

I reminded her we talked just last night and that I am better. I teased her a little and said she must have dreamed that I needed help. And probably, it was something she dreamed. But this is just another sign of my mom's confusion when it comes to conversations and what's going on.

After reading about Kelt's mom going for a 4 a.m. walk, it made me wonder what would have happened if she had just gotten in her car and tried to drive to my house? She might have made it here - but quite possibly not. It wouldn't be the first time she had gotten lost while driving. And what if she hadn't told anyone where she was going? She forgets to take her cell phone with her when she goes outside. And one day, I'm afraid something like this is going to happen.

I wonder if it's possible to put GPS on her car? Or is that something that only happens in spy movies?
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Old 01-17-2020, 09:36 PM   #477
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These days I miss me.
I miss my privacy.

I miss my life before I became a caregiver. I miss season tickets to the opera. I miss plays and symphonies with lovely ladies on my arm.

I miss me.
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Old 01-21-2020, 12:30 PM   #478
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I feel like I am going off the deep end... my kiddo is locked up for being physically aggressive towards me, so I ran away... with her in lock up and nothing keeping me at home... I just left. And I can feel myself avoiding going back. I know I need to. I know I have responsibilities. But... its so hard.
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Old 01-21-2020, 09:27 PM   #479
Kelt
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My mom is having a tough go of it this last week or so. She forgot my father and their 60 year marriage a while back and while she would sometimes ask “did my husband die?” it had gotten to where she didn’t remember his name anymore either.  When I visited her over Christmas at dinner one evening she noticed she was wearing two wedding rings one on each hand and asked me if I knew why. I told her that she was wearing her wedding ring where she always had and that the one on her right hand had been my fathers. She wasn’t sure why she was wearing them but seemed to take comfort in doing so.

Then a few days ago she had a vivid dream shortly before I called one morning and it involved my father having been in an accident and her being told by the police that he was dead. She was so relieved to be awake and asked me what I thought about it. I had to tell her all over again that yes, he really was dead, and has been for five years. There’s nothing like having to break your mother‘s heart yet again before breakfast.

Today was one of the two days a week that I have an extra caregiver come over and take her out for a couple of hours to do something different/fun like a walk in the park or a drive to just look around, special lunch, whatever they want. Todays notes included the rings coming back up again in a way that made her sad and anxious because she couldn’t remember anything about their time together. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to know that you knew but can’t ever know again.

I talk to her every other day and every time it breaks my heart just a little more and then sometimes it’s a gut punch when you just don’t see it coming.
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Old 01-26-2020, 11:04 AM   #480
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A lot of my dear friends are posting on FB about their broken hearts and missing their mother's. I still have mom. So I will shut up now and take care of mom. May be a while from here but mom comes first.
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