Open Letter: Dear Femme

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by little man

or, perhaps you enjoy the "punishment"?

Ha! Perhaps at times I do. Other times I get incredibly frustrated when my non-demur/polite mouth results in anger from others. I make it a point to take care of me and speak my needs (not rudely or aggressively) and at times have felt frowned upon for this.

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by Bit

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Wil}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I've never found you to be anything other than supportive.


I've experienced that. Interestingly enough, the times in the past when I have felt judged have been when other Femmes have tried to take away my rights to speak to and about female-identified Butches. The mechanism has usually been that I say something inclusive of all Butches, OR I say something about one group of Butches without painstakingly referencing all the other groups of Butches--and then I am arbitrarily branded as erasing and devaluing female identified Butches.

The effect of this has been to make me APPEAR to be enforcing male-centric standards on our community, because people have loudly tarred me with that brush. The truth is that in a weird and twisted kind of way, the people who have insisted that I am holding up male-centric standards have actually done it themselves by bringing it up in the first place and plastering it all over me when I wanted nothing to do with it and was deliberately, carefully avoiding it.

I suppose the problem is that some people cannot see past the "scarcity model" of thinking, and believe whole-heartedly that there is only one kind of recognition and it's limited; therefore, they seem to believe that if a person is recognizing male-identified Butches they are automatically erasing female-identified Butches, and vice versa. (I believe this is the root of the division in the Butch community even now.)

I say there is enough attention and recognition to go around. Both male and female identified Butches are valuable members of our community and deserve recognition--just as Transmen are valued and deserve recognition.

But what has happened is that in actual practice, no one hears me. From being a strong, deeply thoughtful, analytical, articulate, and valued ally of all three groups, I have been reduced to a caricature of unthinking prejudice--and so I am silenced.

I have never read you as supporting masculine centric thinking. Ever.

I have read you speaking your truth and loving others for whom they are. Not with one excluding the other.

(((Bit))) please don't let them silence you.

[Bit]

Originally Posted by evolveme

But again, I am seeing this as "masculine-centric" rather than simply male-centric. When we call it male-centric, we're throwing our transguys and male-id'd fellas under the bus, and it's also patently unfair because of the ways that butch women, i.e., masculine females, inherently dominate our spaces as well.

I understand your point here, but the judgment I have endured from other Femmes has centered around "male-centric" rather than "masculine-centric."

It is true that I will defer to any Butch, of any ID. I always check myself and my thoughts before I post to be certain I am not offending anyone, hitting any trigger phrases, pushing any hot buttons, forgetting to hedge myself about with obligatory disclaimers... lord love a duck, it gets tiring and I mostly just don't post, yanno? I mostly just don't post.

[little man]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

Ha! Perhaps at times I do. Other times I get incredibly frustrated when my non-demur/polite mouth results in anger from others. I make it a point to take care of me and speak my needs (not rudely or aggressively) and at times have felt frowned upon for this.

not surprisingly, people tend to balk at change. especially change that challenges or cuts into their perception of "how things work". i do believe that anger is fear channeled outwardly.

no one wants to give up power...especially those who have long (and perhaps not so wisely) wielded it. rather than see the benefit to all that can be had by spreading the power (and responsibility) along a broad line, they grow fearful that their little stash of power will be diminished, thereby diminishing themselves and their perceived position in the world.

i honestly believe that if the male/masculine people on this planet took a step back and looked at where their power lies, and who supports them through things....they'd understand that the feminine should be exalted for the strong beings and forces they are. rather than give credit where credit is due, it's hidden or usurped with the growth in power going to the usurper.

i'm not sure i'm making sense.

[Bit]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

(((Bit))) please don't let them silence you.

Thank you for the affirmation and validation, darlin. {{{{{{{{{{{{{Adele}}}}}}}}}}}

It's scary, speaking up without regard for what might come next. I'm feeling a huge amount of anxiety right now. *wry smile*

[Mister Bent]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

Does anybody think that we, as Femmes are guilty of contributing to the male centric way of things?

Do we judge each other harshly? If so, how can we overcome?

Ok, well, I can't speak from that "we" (as femmes) place, but I can say that maybe sometimes yes, you do contribute to masculine-centrism.

As a matter of conditioning (as e described above).

As a matter of necessity in your support of the fragile creature that is masculine.

I utilize masculine here because we all of us who fall under the butch* portion of the name of this site, and others, share some similar qualities. I don't care what anyone says, we are fragile ego'ed creatures. We need soothing, stroking and reassuring. We need to have our masculinity fluffed.

We are, in short, somewhat pathetic. All of us, what with our noise about our "natural levels of testosterone" and our ridiculous "knightly" ways, posture strong and resilient when the fact is, we would have difficulty pressing on if it weren't for your support. In putting you in that position, in accepting that love and nurturing you offer us, we smother you.

While butch, just as femme, stands alone as an identity (not "half of something") I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for you. I am ever thankful when you, one or many or all of you, stand behind, beside or in front of me in some struggle, but sometimes I think that has placed you solely in a supporting role. And everyone of us knows, femme is so much larger than that.


*Butch, man, transman, bulldyke, bulldagger, transbutch, etc.

[Bit]

Originally Posted by evolveme

Yes, I am sometimes guilty of judging other femmes harshly.

For example, if a femme posts in a certain font (pink) and is always serving up virtual cupcakes and tea, I am less likely (read: not at all) to listen to what she has to say. I WILL skip over her. And not because the font is hard to read (it is) but because it is "too girly" and that reads as "too ridiculous."

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

The tea serving, maribou slipper wearing posts bother me because I feel they feed into the pleasing of the masculine.

Okay, this one and then I think I'm done.... at least till after ...

Yes, it's hard to read some of the lighter colored fonts. Yes, some of those posts are way WAY girly. BUT they aren't girly in service of the masculine, they're girly as an expression of the Femmes who write them.... the girliness isn't imposed from the outside, it wells up from the inside.

And yes, there are brains behind some of that girliness that pretty much never speak an analytical thought--out loud. Doesn't mean they don't think those thoughts. I've been privileged to have sometimes read them--they're just as sharp as the rest of us.

Whether that kind of post feeds into the pleasing of the masculine.... that's trickier. I think it does, but I don't think that's the reason for the posting style... I suspect those who love girly posts would post that way if---the heavens forfend!!--there were no Butches at all, because it wells up from inside the Femmes like water from an artesian spring.

And now, indeed, before she drives me insane, lol....

[Ryobi]

Originally Posted by little man

i honestly believe that if the male/masculine people on this planet took a step back and looked at where their power lies, and who supports them through things....they'd understand that the feminine should be exalted for the strong beings and forces they are. rather than give credit where credit is due, it's hidden or usurped with the growth in power going to the usurper.

i'm not sure i'm making sense.

This sounds to me like a Native American belief. It's one of many beautiful Native beliefs that have been forgotten. Or should I really say, silenced.
I agree with you, little man.

[TeaPartyTart]

E,
Thank you for igniting thought and discussion here. I read this post on different site and I'm not surprised at the lack of response 'there'. In fact, the example of you creating an opportunity for literally the same voices to share their thoughts on this topic highlights the undertow of aggression some spaces have created.

So yes, I have an opinion on this topic, and yes, I choose to share it 'here'.

I've changed over the past 10 or so years I've identified as Femme. I used to believe it was all about my power and in hindsight my power looked more like King Kong stomping on legitimate thoughts, opinions and questions of those that may have differed from mine. My power was to 'squash' not only the opinion, but to take a deeper stance and make a stronger impact on the person to ensure they didn't continue to hold opinions that aligned with the ones they shared. How dare they think for themselves? The nerve.

How have I changed? I no longer feel I need to exude power to get my point across or, in many cases, feel I need to share any thought at all. To me, this is not me 'rolling over' to a masculine opinion. I'm no longer in it to have a winner or a loser. Instead, I choose to focus on my strength.

For me, my Femme strength is about focusing on how to get to what I truly want and believe in without hurting people or countering opinions along the way. I feel I am at my best when I can keep my head high and walk through the proverbial shit storm of words. And while I love and appreciate discussion, I ---wait for it---feel there are some who don't deserve to hear my words. These are preditory individuals (male, female, etc.) who will never get who I am or what I stand for.

Regarding the pink font: Fucking hate it. I hate the constant juvenile look and immature nature of the content. To me, the perception is just too ridiculous to take the person seriously, regardless of the situation; Regardless how 'deep' the person is.

I'm sure the previous paragraph contradicts what I just shared but I think you brainiacs can handle it.

Peace,
TPT

[atomiczombie]

I am always very glad to get the opportunity to learn more about femmes, how they think and feel about being a femme, and how they think and feel about us masculine gents. Reading this thread has been educational to me, and I very much appreciate all you ladies have shared. Thank you!

[Diva]

I never felt more invisible or silenced than I felt around my father, whose favorite word for me was "Shhhh!". That's probably a whole 'nother' thread.....

And then I never felt more liberated than (1) when I came out (after 15 years of marriage to the father of my beautiful daughters) and (2) when my father died. (I know that sounds horrible.)

I found my voice and my 'sea legs' when those 2 things happened. The power was in me all along, I see that now. But I just needed a kick in the seat of the pants for the jumpstart.

My strength comes from within and from my "song"....which plays constantly throughout my brain. I got most of the lyrics from my Mom....and other strong women in my life.


(PS.....I hope the purple font isn't offensive.... )

[Tommi]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

Does anybody think that we, as Femmes are guilty of contributing to the male centric way of things?

Do we judge each other harshly? If so, how can we overcome?

Echo, echo echo....listening in..Learning in the midst of life.

[Words]

Clothes swap.

Oakland.

Realization.

Dressed up, we are beautiful.

But in bra and panties, thrown in a room together? AND...not a butch in sight?

We're fucking awesome.

[evolveme]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

In reading e and Bit's posts I had a thought.

Is the expected demur and polite veneer used as a way to silence us?

Yes.

Originally Posted by Bit

.......unless, of course, they are people I care about. That's the rub, eh? Because I care about Butches and Transmen... it's one thing to stop being unnecessarily polite to strangers. It's another to stop caring about Butches and Transmen..............

..............you caught that, I'm sure. I caught it as the thought came out of my head. Since when does politeness equal caring? Am I required to be self-effacing enough to accept any kind of intrusion, simply to be seen as caring? Am I required to seat myself last at the table (I can hear half the world's Butches cringing, lol, can't you?) simply to be considered properly supportive?

Originally Posted by Bit

I say there is enough attention and recognition to go around. Both male and female identified Butches are valuable members of our community and deserve recognition--just as Transmen are valued and deserve recognition.

But what has happened is that in actual practice, no one hears me. From being a strong, deeply thoughtful, analytical, articulate, and valued ally of all three groups, I have been reduced to a caricature of unthinking prejudice--and so I am silenced.

Originally Posted by Bit

It is true that I will defer to any Butch, of any ID. I always check myself and my thoughts before I post to be certain I am not offending anyone, hitting any trigger phrases, pushing any hot buttons, forgetting to hedge myself about with obligatory disclaimers... lord love a duck, it gets tiring and I mostly just don't post, yanno? I mostly just don't post.

Cath, whom I adore, I've selected pieces from a few of your posts that speak to the same thing. Namely, how you see yourself deferring to butches and transmasculine others always. How you appear more concerned with their comfort than your own. How your need to do this has left you feeling silenced and misunderstood.

When reading these posts, what kept occurring to me was your need to speak of the masculine other in this thread, which is a Call to Femme, to You.

It is about You. It is about what is beautiful and powerful and autonomous in You.

I have seen the ways that we have disallowed ourselves.

Here, I want to see us naming and seeing ourselves. And one another.

Don't misunderstand, I also want to talk about the ways that we are met with masculine-centrism and how we have handled it, as much as how we might choose to handle it in the future, but if I see that you are focusing over-much on the masculine, I'm just going to remind you -gently- of You.

Because, you know, it's You who just fucking rocks my socks.

It's You whom I have admired most.

It's You who have been my unofficial mentors.

It's You I think of as my friends.

[evolveme]

Regarding my earlier mention of the Dread Pink Font.

I was owning that as a likely example of one of the ways I have bought and swallowed the misogyny. The frivolity reads, well, frivolous. (Watch me do it again here for free, folks!)

I suppose that on the other side of that, you won't find me enjoying anything overly stereotyped as male/masculine (read: neanderthal). All that belching business has me clicking out of a thread instantly.

Now, as Bit pointed out, some of our best femmes may be the pinkly fonted, virtually tea party hostesses. I am not judging them. I am just not reading them. What SuperFemme asked was 'how are we participating?.'

This was one of the ways I could name off-hand. I am not getting to know these femmes. By choice.

I thought it was a great question.

How else are we party to the masculine-centrism?

[hippieflowergirl]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

Does anybody think that we, as Femmes are guilty of contributing to the male centric way of things?

Do we judge each other harshly? If so, how can we overcome?

i dont think i'm guilty of defining the way male/masculine identified persons do the business of their lives, whether i agree with how they do it or not. could be wrong tho'.

if ANY person wants to do the "world domination" attitude thing i dont feel any need to participate in their delusions of grandeur. i'd rather snicker to myself from the sidelines or slap them down in my own special ways.

do we judge one another in harshly? oh hell yes.

my "at home politics" and my "world politics" are so different as to be two distinct realities. i'm not at all confused about them and neither is any Lover who wants more than a passing chance with me.

if i choose to use pink fonts, to wear maribu and lace, to fuck myself with a hello kitty vibrator or any other so-called "girly" behavior and someone thinks i'm less intelligent or that i'm doing such things "for" someone else they can suck my dick (she said delicately).

i'm swamped with paraphernalia that extols whatever measurable intelligence i've managed to exhibit as well as my professional success over the long term. i'm a damn smart bitch and i'm also damn submissive in intimate situations. i'm also a fairly decent human being. the fact that i like to be held down and fucked like an expensive whore or that i live and breathe my Lover's desires when we find we have mutual free time and opportunity has nothing to do with my intelligence or my ability to take care of my car and home maintenance or to de-worm the cat without help from a Guy.

i choose the girly things FOR me, no one else. whenever i've decided to be without Lovers i didnt stop with the girly stuff. it's MY stuff. it's ME. it's not an act for someone else.

my lesbian friends used to ream me for being myself all the time. we're not friends anymore. if my femme friends begin to do the same i'll happily do without them as well. i love my friends but without them, i'm just fine.

in case it needs to be said, i'm not getting my temper on or anything. i just wanted to answer this (very valid) question from well within my own space.

[evolveme]

Originally Posted by hippieflowergirl

my "at home politics" and my "world politics" are so different as to be two distinct realities. i'm not at all confused about them and neither is any Lover who wants more than a passing chance with me.

if i choose to use pink fonts, to wear maribu and lace, to fuck myself with a hello kitty vibrator or any other so-called "girly" behavior and someone thinks i'm less intelligent or that i'm doing such things "for" someone else they can suck my dick (she said delicately).

i'm swamped with paraphernalia that extols whatever measurable intelligence i've managed to exhibit as well as my professional success over the long term. i'm a damn smart bitch and i'm also damn submissive in intimate situations. i'm also a fairly decent human being. the fact that i like to be held down and fucked like an expensive whore or that i live and breathe my Lover's desires when we find we have mutual free time and opportunity has nothing to do with my intelligence or my ability to take care of my car and home maintenance or to de-worm the cat without help from a Guy.

i choose the girly things FOR me, no one else. whenever i've decided to be without Lovers i didnt stop with the girly stuff. it's MY stuff. it's ME. it's not an act for someone else.

Okay, y'all, if I had the rights to publish from this here thread, I do believe you might find the flowergirl's words above right slap on the inside jacket cover.

[Lynn]

I can't really untangle this discussion from the one I have every day with my self about being a woman. I have yet to actually embrace the name "Femme" even though I'm all about embracing butches. This is the ONLY place I've felt free to express this thought. Actually, it's the only place I've felt safe enough to even articulate it to myself-- I have a hard time being "a" femme because I haven't been able to completely divorce it from the idea of butch. One seems to have to go with the other. It describes my sexual preference, but it doesn't describe ME. My whole struggle, regarding identity, has to do with coming to an awareness of and appreciation for who I am, as a whole being. As a woman. As a lesbian. To me, these are the most powerful names. A lot of times, on these sites, I maintain a bemused detachment. And, when I finally feel like I have something useful to add, I can't help but put apology after disclaimer after qualification. Lest I offend ANYONE else. But, fuck how I feel. It's like, "Ahem, excuse me. But, I have an opinion. Sorry if it offends anyone in the whole wide world. But, if you offend me, I understand because I give you your (story, religion, family upbringing, mental illness, addiction, abuse, culture, age, life stage, loss and grief....). I will understand, but you don't have to. So. Sorry if I offended anyone."

I reread an old post of mine on another site, replete with these apologies, just today and I wanted to vomit. In life, as well as on line, I still haven't found how to be as strong an advocate for myself as I am for everyone else.

[Diva]

Originally Posted by Lynn

I can't really untangle this discussion from the one I have every day with my self about being a woman. I have yet to actually embrace the name "Femme" even though I'm all about embracing butches. This is the ONLY place I've felt free to express this thought. Actually, it's the only place I've felt safe enough to even articulate it to myself-- I have a hard time being "a" femme because I haven't been able to completely divorce it from the idea of butch. One seems to have to go with the other. It describes my sexual preference, but it doesn't describe ME. My whole struggle, regarding identity, has to do with coming to an awareness of and appreciation for who I am, as a whole being. As a woman. As a lesbian. To me, these are the most powerful names. A lot of times, on these sites, I maintain a bemused detachment. And, when I finally feel like I have something useful to add, I can't help but put apology after disclaimer after qualification. Lest I offend ANYONE else. But, fuck how I feel. It's like, "Ahem, excuse me. But, I have an opinion. Sorry if it offends anyone in the whole wide world. But, if you offend me, I understand because I give you your (story, religion, family upbringing, mental illness, addiction, abuse, culture, age, life stage, loss and grief....). I will understand, but you don't have to. So. Sorry if I offended anyone."

I reread an old post of mine on another site, replete with these apologies, just today and I wanted to vomit. In life, as well as on line, I still haven't found how to be as strong an advocate for myself as I am for everyone else.

I believe it took a lot of courage to say what you just said here. No need to vomit. You have learned from your own history and that is something to be embraced, yes? <smile>

I believe, too, that you ARE finding your own power.....just by posting this evolving moment. I admire you.

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by hippieflowergirl

i dont think i'm guilty of defining the way male/masculine identified persons do the business of their lives, whether i agree with how they do it or not. could be wrong tho'.

if ANY person wants to do the "world domination" attitude thing i dont feel any need to participate in their delusions of grandeur. i'd rather snicker to myself from the sidelines or slap them down in my own special ways.

do we judge one another in harshly? oh hell yes.

my "at home politics" and my "world politics" are so different as to be two distinct realities. i'm not at all confused about them and neither is any Lover who wants more than a passing chance with me.

if i choose to use pink fonts, to wear maribu and lace, to fuck myself with a hello kitty vibrator or any other so-called "girly" behavior and someone thinks i'm less intelligent or that i'm doing such things "for" someone else they can suck my dick (she said delicately).

i'm swamped with paraphernalia that extols whatever measurable intelligence i've managed to exhibit as well as my professional success over the long term. i'm a damn smart bitch and i'm also damn submissive in intimate situations. i'm also a fairly decent human being. the fact that i like to be held down and fucked like an expensive whore or that i live and breathe my Lover's desires when we find we have mutual free time and opportunity has nothing to do with my intelligence or my ability to take care of my car and home maintenance or to de-worm the cat without help from a Guy.

i choose the girly things FOR me, no one else. whenever i've decided to be without Lovers i didnt stop with the girly stuff. it's MY stuff. it's ME. it's not an act for someone else.

my lesbian friends used to ream me for being myself all the time. we're not friends anymore. if my femme friends begin to do the same i'll happily do without them as well. i love my friends but without them, i'm just fine.

in case it needs to be said, i'm not getting my temper on or anything. i just wanted to answer this (very valid) question from well within my own space.

I thank you for this post.
I applaud you for being unapologetic for being yourself.

I too, was reamed for being too *girly* by my lesbian friends. Not taken seriously.

I love when a Femme revels in her girly because it is who she is. I am saddened when she does it because she feels she has to for a butch. Or has to do so to be a "Real Femme". The whole Real Femme thing chaps my hide.

Unabashed realness does not. It just makes me swoon.