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Old 07-09-2015, 09:20 AM   #61
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Originally Posted by MasterfulButch View Post
Thanks for the input.

It feels like Iím inadvertently taking away her choice as to outing herself and for situations like this where it has negative ramifications, thatís something Iím struggling to reconcile.
I'm not butch, so excuse me for butting in on the butch thread. I bolded the part that spoke to me....

The proudest moments in MY everyday life, are the moments when i am on my Kasey's arm (butch/gender male), and i am seen as her wife. I am not "seen" as queer or femme most other times. I won't go into how we deal with the attention, Dapper gave good feedback on that.

Your lady chooses to "out" herself when she steps out with you, enjoy that blessing.
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Old 07-09-2015, 11:29 AM   #62
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Originally Posted by MasterfulButch View Post
Thanks for the input.

My femmeís pretty savvy and certainly more street-smart than I am so itís not her ability to deal with such situations that troubles me. Iím just bothered that sheíd find herself in that position in the first place. It feels like Iím inadvertently taking away her choice as to outing herself and for situations like this where it has negative ramifications, thatís something Iím struggling to reconcile.

You make an interesting point about cat calls though. I tend not to think about them because they are outside my experience but perhaps this is not as wholly alien to her as I think (and should be to everyone).
I have two observations.

The first is that I have always loved being with my Butch lesbian partners because it is the only time that I am recognized for who and what I am: a lesbian.

As a femme, I have always been mistaken for straight and it has always gotten really old to have that assumption made about me.

My second observation is one that may sound strange. Perhaps it was borne of always feeling that I was not pretty or sexy enough as a woman, starting as a teenager but I secretly liked the subtle (not overt) looks or attention I always got from men. That is hard to admit here but it is true. I always ignored them but on the inside, it felt validating, in some way. Socialized to feel that way, I guess.

I never got that attention from lesbians when I was by myself, because they dismissed me without a thought, as a straight woman.

I felt a real pang inside myself as I began to get older and became one of the invisible older women. On one hand, it was a relief to no longer deal with attention that truly was not wanted but on the other; it was a formal declaration of my own aging process.

Now that I have accepted my older woman status, I notice that my (older) Butch and I get barely a glance out in public.

I don't worry about a potential problem in the same way I did when I was young and with young butches.
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Old 07-09-2015, 05:15 PM   #63
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Iím just bothered that sheíd find herself in that position in the first place. It feels like Iím inadvertently taking away her choice as to outing herself and for situations like this where it has negative ramifications, thatís something Iím struggling to reconcile.
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Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly View Post

The proudest moments in MY everyday life, are the moments when i am on my Kasey's arm (butch/gender male),

Your lady chooses to "out" herself when she steps out with you, enjoy that blessing.
It is true that for the femmes who choose masculine looking butches (who are therefore assumed to be lesbian), they are outing themselves. However, they know that and they are choosing to be with you. What Ms. Tinkerbelly said and what Anya said after her I have heard before from partners. These women feel proud when they are with us. For some femmes they appreciate the visibility that being with a masculine female bodied person affords them.

The bottom line is that your partner knows she is outing herself when she is with you and she knows that things could become uncomfortable at times. It kind of comes with the territory of dating a butch. We are lucky indeed.

Side note, it is kind of weird that you haven't brought this up to her. If you have, and she says it isn't a problem, believe her!

Good discussion. Thanks for bringing it to the thread.
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Are you educated or indoctrinated?
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Old 07-19-2015, 08:05 PM   #64
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I'm so happy to see that this thread still has a pulse.

Reading the last several posts about Femmes so beautifully choosing to out themselves every time they accompany us has me thinking about how it feels to be the other party in that configuration. I've certainly had the experience of feeling...cushioned. That's the closest word I can find for how it feels. Even as I feel more of everything I am, there's also a softness that seems to hover mere millimeters above everything. I'm pretty sure my walk changes a bit. Sometimes my biceps tighten, my shoulders straighten. I can feel my pride on my skin. Shit that might really annoy me when flying solo often becomes really funny with a partner in crime.

The feeling I don't have to carry is how suddenly people are seeing me differently. Likely no one's perception of me has changed because someone else of a certain sort is by my side. I get to be the same masculinely inclined dyke everyone always sees. I understand how many Femmes love having the validation and enjoy, even knowing the possible risks when being seen with us, finally being seen the way they see themselves. I love that our being with you can afford you that.

Thank you taking that on every time you step out with us.
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Old 07-23-2015, 11:02 AM   #65
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I always get the typical agnorant stares and suspicious looks,even in this day and age.I have long hair (half way down the back of my neck) today and I still get strangers coming up and asking me if i'm a man or a woman.It does not seem to bother me anymore,of course if I cut my hair extremely short and for my safety,still have to clear my throat everytime I enter a women's restroom.I tell those who are curious that i'm a butch woman and the same to those who are not.Most people accept me (i'm friendy about it) and to those who don't I just ignore.That's all I have for now on this subject.
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Old 07-23-2015, 11:52 AM   #66
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Originally Posted by Ascot View Post
I'm so happy to see that this thread still has a pulse.

Reading the last several posts about Femmes so beautifully choosing to out themselves every time they accompany us has me thinking about how it feels to be the other party in that configuration. I've certainly had the experience of feeling...cushioned. That's the closest word I can find for how it feels. Even as I feel more of everything I am, there's also a softness that seems to hover mere millimeters above everything. I'm pretty sure my walk changes a bit. Sometimes my biceps tighten, my shoulders straighten. I can feel my pride on my skin. Shit that might really annoy me when flying solo often becomes really funny with a partner in crime.

The feeling I don't have to carry is how suddenly people are seeing me differently. Likely no one's perception of me has changed because someone else of a certain sort is by my side. I get to be the same masculinely inclined dyke everyone always sees. I understand how many Femmes love having the validation and enjoy, even knowing the possible risks when being seen with us, finally being seen the way they see themselves. I love that our being with you can afford you that.

Thank you taking that on every time you step out with us.
Beautiful post Ascot. Thank you for sharing that.

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Old 07-26-2015, 08:53 PM   #67
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I think this is a good place for this. Some might find it a tad long, but it is nonetheless interesting.

http://www.afterellen.com/tv/443117-butch-back
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Old 07-26-2015, 09:58 PM   #68
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Just a few days ago my Butch and I went to the Fair and took our girls for the day. They are teens so they went off to ride the rides and enjoy themselves, leaving just my Butch and myself to shop vendors and enjoy the sites. My Butch carried my packages for me, and we stopped while she got me my favorite, Cotton Candy. We were walking away and she helped to guide me through the crowd with a hand at the small of my back, when I noticed these two guys giving her a dirty look. I put my chin up and strode on past them, not even giving them any regard. I am ALWAYS proud to be with my Butch. It honestly worries her more than it does me, but it's because she fears for my safety. She told me if anything were to ever happen, I was to run and not look back.
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Old 10-15-2017, 01:08 AM   #69
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BUMP BUMP

I brought this topic up for discussion in a facebook group that I belong to, so far not many responses but this thread pretty much has summed up how some butches feel.
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Old 01-11-2018, 09:54 PM   #70
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Still get stares mostly from older folks. I find it humorous now since I am older also.

I just love being gay. I would go so far as to say I am thankful of it. Told my girlfriend many times that if I were male, I'd want to be gay.
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Old 01-12-2018, 01:25 PM   #71
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Hope yíall donít mind my reviving this post and adding my two cents.

As a femme, my identity is inherently defined in contrast to butches. I wouldnít be who I am or love who I love without them. In this sense, I feel completely comfortable stepping out in public with butches because my identity is affirmed in the eyes of passersby and reflected back to me in my butch companionís smile. Since I am straight-passing, many of todayís hip, anti-butch/femme lesbians donít accept me because my femininity isnít considered subversive enough. In a way, being seen with a butch in a public space allows me to feel both empowered by my femininity and subversive of heteropatriarchal values.

Moreover, it gives me the opportunity to reflect on the sacrifices those who came before us made just so we could step out the door together. Butches and femmes fought both literally and figuratively for this right. When Iím out with a butch, I feel the weight of our shared history resting equally on our shoulders. Furthermore, itís a source of pride for me to walk down the street on a wonderful butchís arm. It allows me to feel like my truest, most authentic self. And, as Iíve posted about previously, the way in which I navigate the world via my femininity shifts when Iím with a butch. My presentation exists not for male consumption (which I experience in the form of catcalls, harassment, and the like), but for myself and for those I love.

Part of me would have to say I actually enjoy this Otherization Ė Iím not saying I relish the stares and the derisive comments. Rather, they are a reminder that I have access to something special that my harassers will never understand. These stares and rude comments have made me stronger, fiercer. But they have also made me more empathetic towards others who are different. In short, they have made me a better person.

So, when I get teased or harassed or even threatened when I am seen with a butch (or any gender nonconforming person, for that matter), part of me is grateful because they have molded me into who I am.

I canít speak for all femmes, but I have met many who have felt this way.

Anyway, hereís to remaining boldly, unapologetically ourselves.
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Old 01-13-2018, 10:08 PM   #72
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It's the "otherness" that I embrace. I'm not overtly butch looking. Not the typical gay romance novel butch who's 5'-8", slim, blue eyed, long fingers, deep voice, and on, and on.

Like everyone here, I navigate the straight world every day and my butchness may or may not be recognized or acknowledged. I'm visible to myself and my sweetheart and it's that "otherness" that makes me smile.
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Old 01-14-2018, 02:02 AM   #73
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Weird one, my Partner is the calm. cool, collected butch who needs not be in someone's face about (except as it pertains to family), She just has this aura . She will walk into a room (really not meaning to), and be the center of attention without even wanted the attention. It's like a Butch (or I think it's her Alpha bubble) and Her aura just walked in. She never makes anyone else feel any lesser. Often comes in and helps with whatever project is being done.

This was just for comparison. I am the one on T and top surgery. She doesn't seem to need the validations of the world, but encourages me to pursue them for me to validate to myself , the fact of butchness.
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Old 05-22-2018, 01:22 AM   #74
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Weird one, my Partner is the calm. cool, collected butch who needs not be in someone's face about (except as it pertains to family), She just has this aura . She will walk into a room (really not meaning to), and be the center of attention without even wanted the attention. It's like a Butch (or I think it's her Alpha bubble) and Her aura just walked in. She never makes anyone else feel any lesser. Often comes in and helps with whatever project is being done.

This was just for comparison. I am the one on T and top surgery. She doesn't seem to need the validations of the world, but encourages me to pursue them for me to validate to myself , the fact of butchness.

I don't see anything wrong with seeking validation at all. I think its awesome that your partner encourages you to be your true self!
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