Femme Invisibility?

[Christy51274]

I know this topic has probably been brought up time and time again, but, please, share with me ways how not to be invisible!


I've slapped a pride sticker on my car... -- CHECK √

I tell all my friends and family that I'm a lesbian... -- CHECK √

Go to gay bars/events -- CHECK √


Straight people think I'm straight. Gay people think I'm straight. What more can I possibly do besides tattoo on my forehead that I am, indeed, part of the "family"?

It's so frustrating! I'd just like to hear how other femmes deal with this issue.

Gracias,
A Hopeless Femme

[LaneyDoll]

I deal with this all the time. I used to go to alt bars and the ONLY time I ever left with a number was when a gay guy gave it to me.

~hits head on desk~

All of my friends tell me that I am intimidating so that, combined with femme invisibility, really made it hard to meet anyone. Talk about frustrating!

I never learned any "solutions" so I am looking forward to the replies posted.

[Hollylane]

I have had this problem so often, that at one point, I considered getting a tattoo on the back of my neck that looked like a clothing label with the word "Femme". Just because I got so tired of the conversation.

[CherylNYC]

It helps to ride a motorcycle. Then you can carry the rainbow sticker bedecked helmet around with you. It's my dyke badge.

[Miss_J]

Ok, So I'm at the store yesterday shopping for a new dress.. (bought two!) I also had the added/welcome frustration of spying a very very hot butch doing something in the store that resembled putting up racks.. I don't know about you but I'm not going to walk up to someone and say hey sexy Im into what you've got to offer, wanna play?

What do we do?? how can we help our counterparts distinguish us in the crowd of soccer moms, dazzling beauties who are strickly dickly and well the curious janes who just wanna look and wouldnt know how to touch even with a manual attached?

I have this tattoo on the back of my shoulder its a triangle of stone with the pride colors in the center radiating out like a pool of color, so it is my only distinquising mark of "Family" I mean honestly Ladies I get it..but not enough of it! And living in Michigan means... cold weather and I'm not baring shoulders for months on end.


Flirting has its thrills but damn.

[1QuirkyKiwi]

If I had a pound for every person that’s said I’m too straight acting to be gay, I’d be a millionaire! LOL!

I’ve even been told a few times that I’m ‘too nice a person’ to be gay! …What??? Once, I got so fed up with these statements that I said if the woman really wanted proof that I’m gay, then she might want to date me a while, then should things go well, the proof would be in the love making!

It's not the most elegant comeback I’ve said, but, she got the message, lol!

[Medusa]

I used to constantly wear a little rainbow-colored necklace with the word "Femme" in script. It helped a lot

[girl_dee]

Carry one of these in your purse...

[Novelafemme]

Originally Posted by Medusa

I used to constantly wear a little rainbow-colored necklace with the word "Femme" in script. It helped a lot

I love this

I'm not trying to get noticed by anyone, but when I see other family members I try to go out of my way to make eye contact and smile, especially if I'm with my partner. Although, I do that with most everyone anyway, so

[UofMfan]

Originally Posted by Medusa

I used to constantly wear a little rainbow-colored necklace with the word "Femme" in script. It helped a lot

My ex had a silver necklace made with the word Femme in script. Not only was it beautiful, it sent a clear message.

She too got tired of being "invisible".

[JAGG]

Well if it makes you feel any better, we wish we knew too. Sure would make things easier.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by JAGG

Well if it makes you feel any better, we wish we knew too. Sure would make things easier.

if you ever see a woman walking around with a 2x4 (either weilding or sticking out of her purse) with a chin/forehead/ tattoo that says FEMME you should probably take note.

[JAGG]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

if you ever see a woman walking around with a 2x4 (either weilding or sticking out of her purse) with a chin/forehead/ tattoo that says FEMME you should probably take note.

Well the 2x4 would really attract me Dee!!!!!!!! I would figure 1 of 2 things. Either she is really skilled in DIY home remodels in which case PERK and SWOON, or she needs a butch to help her in which case , it would be her lucky day if I was single at the time. LOL !!!!!!!!!!!!

[socialjustice_fsu]

What a great thread. It is comforting to know others are dealing with the very same issues about invisibility. I work for a large hospice unit located on a floor of one of our major hospitals. Day in and day out I see butches from all departments throughout the hospital. Let's just say it could be a lovely buffet. However, even getting them to simply make eye contact is a feat all within itself. It 'seems' they are always looking down for some reason. I think Gemme and Belle alluded to some of the reasons in an earlier post.
I am a femme. I have been judicious as to who I share my 'dynamic' (butch + femme). More than once the response has been: "You are too attractive to be "that." Or, "I didn't think lesbians wore heels, dresses...you know, acted like you do...." (I am not at all trying to be pompous but those were real responses). Looking back, my outing myself may not have been the right thing to do with some but that is their issue not mine. But....we (many femmes) are watching our lives march by simply by being in this cloak of invisibility. I want mostly to simply validate a butch's 'butchness'...for being who she/hy is to the world. When I see 'her' down the hall I would love to simply walk up and say 'We are in this together.' But, something still stops me. Maybe in some ways it works the same way for butches. I just don't know.
I heartily agree there must be some way to communicate to them that we are here and we want to know you, validate you, date you, adore you, love you (not all in the same day, though).
I think some of the brightest folks are here on the Planet. Surely we can bridge this gaping, absent link to know these butches. We want you. You enhance our world. Now we just need to know how to tell you or show you this.

[Christy51274]

Originally Posted by socialjustice_fsu

What a great thread. It is comforting to know others are dealing with the very same issues about invisibility. I work for a large hospice unit located on a floor of one of our major hospitals. Day in and day out I see butches from all departments throughout the hospital. Let's just say it could be a lovely buffet. However, even getting them to simply make eye contact is a feat all within itself. It 'seems' they are always looking down for some reason. I think Gemme and Belle alluded to some of the reasons in an earlier post.
I am a femme. I have been judicious as to who I share my 'dynamic' (butch + femme). More than once the response has been: "You are too attractive to be "that." Or, "I didn't think lesbians wore heels, dresses...you know, acted like you do...." (I am not at all trying to be pompous but those were real responses). Looking back, my outing myself may not have been the right thing to do with some but that is their issue not mine. But....we (many femmes) are watching our lives march by simply by being in this cloak of invisibility. I want mostly to simply validate a butch's 'butchness'...for being who she/hy is to the world. When I see 'her' down the hall I would love to simply walk up and say 'We are in this together.' But, something still stops me. Maybe in some ways it works the same way for butches. I just don't know.
I heartily agree there must be some way to communicate to them that we are here and we want to know you, validate you, date you, adore you, love you (not all in the same day, though).
I think some of the brightest folks are here on the Planet. Surely we can bridge this gaping, absent link to know these butches. We want you. You enhance our world. Now we just need to know how to tell you or show you this.

@Social Justice:

I appreciate you sharing your words. I really wish there were a better way to communicate with our counterparts in a way that wouldn't make us not appear to be screaming out in desperation! LOL.

Have a great day.

[theoddz]

I've had a Femme self identify herself to me ONCE, and let me tell you, it couldn't have come at a better time, too!!

I was in the hospital a few years ago having a total knee replacement and those idiots (the surgical staff) put a LATEX foley (urinary) catheter in me. Well, it shut my kidneys down and was super painful. I kept telling my nurses how badly it was hurting, but they'd all dismiss me and tell me "Oh, no one is comfortable with those". I actually went into a full reaction with that and got little to no sympathy.

Until the second day, when I got a wonderful woman named "Lisa" for my nurse. Lisa was a Femme, thankG-dinSunnyHeaven!!!! She told me so, since I was just in my first year of transition at that time, but she recognized some of my more subtle changes and knew I was trans. When she introduced herself to me at the first of her shift, she gently leaned down and whispered in my ear, "Don't worry, you have "family" here and I'm going to take good care of you.". I know I had tears in my eyes when I realized what she was saying and I asked her, almost joyfully, "Are you a Femme??", to which she smiled and said, "Let me put it this way....My significant other is very masculine." Well, I told her my sad story of hurting so badly, and no one would listen, and could she please check the catheter and see if something was wrong. Well, she ended up pulling that damned thing out and she told me it was latex!!! She saw to it that I immediately got some medication to take my allergic reaction down. It took about a week, total, to get the reaction under control, but my kidneys finally started up and making urine again. I don't know what I'd have done without Lisa, that wonderful Femme, and her determination to take such good care of me. Thank G-d for her!!!!

Ladies, you DO make a difference to us, bois, boys, Butches and fellows. Don't be afraid to take those extra measures to let us know who you are. You might be quite pleasantly surprised!!!

~Theo~

[Lady_Di]

Originally Posted by theoddz

I've had a Femme self identify herself to me ONCE, and let me tell you, it couldn't have come at a better time, too!!

I was in the hospital a few years ago having a total knee replacement and those idiots (the surgical staff) put a LATEX foley (urinary) catheter in me. Well, it shut my kidneys down and was super painful. I kept telling my nurses how badly it was hurting, but they'd all dismiss me and tell me "Oh, no one is comfortable with those". I actually went into a full reaction with that and got little to no sympathy.

Until the second day, when I got a wonderful woman named "Lisa" for my nurse. Lisa was a Femme, thankG-dinSunnyHeaven!!!! She told me so, since I was just in my first year of transition at that time, but she recognized some of my more subtle changes and knew I was trans. When she introduced herself to me at the first of her shift, she gently leaned down and whispered in my ear, "Don't worry, you have "family" here and I'm going to take good care of you.". I know I had tears in my eyes when I realized what she was saying and I asked her, almost joyfully, "Are you a Femme??", to which she smiled and said, "Let me put it this way....My significant other is very masculine." Well, I told her my sad story of hurting so badly, and no one would listen, and could she please check the catheter and see if something was wrong. Well, she ended up pulling that damned thing out and she told me it was latex!!! She saw to it that I immediately got some medication to take my allergic reaction down. It took about a week, total, to get the reaction under control, but my kidneys finally started up and making urine again. I don't know what I'd have done without Lisa, that wonderful Femme, and her determination to take such good care of me. Thank G-d for her!!!!

Ladies, you DO make a difference to us, bois, boys, Butches and fellows. Don't be afraid to take those extra measures to let us know who you are. You might be quite pleasantly surprised!!!

~Theo~

On one hand this makes me so proud of my profession and the femmes that abound within. On the other hand, I am so pissed off that the rest of the staff there treated you so poorly. Could have fricken killed you and they would have been none the wiser. Really sad, but a valuable lesson here. I will always defend each and every patient I get, especially the ones that the rest of the staff abhor or dismiss for whatever reason. And I have seen many biases and supposed reasons for their dismissive attititudes. Bottomline it is unethical in a profession that prides itself on the very highest of ethics and honesty. I think the nursing board needs to be forewarned of such bs, imnsho. They have the power to educate and demand equal and fair treatment to one and all. Fight the good fight, mon ami.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by JAGG

Well the 2x4 would really attract me Dee!!!!!!!! I would figure 1 of 2 things. Either she is really skilled in DIY home remodels in which case PERK and SWOON, or she needs a butch to help her in which case , it would be her lucky day if I was single at the time. LOL !!!!!!!!!!!!

One would think.

Yaknow you can only spend so much money sending boxes to yourself hoping the UPS butch will get the hint...signing your phone number never works, they make you fix it.... You can only break so much stuff in a small office space before they start investigating.

you can only trigger the fire alarm so many times before they fine you, and that butch firefighter is never on duty when you need her to be. (Now i have my very own firebutch and She doesn't really like the fire alarm trick)

i nearly ripped off the floor trim in my office once to get the attention of our handybutch. It didn't work, she came in, fixed it and left shaking her head saying she was not exactly sure how that could come off like that. (Luckily she didn't see the heel print )

You THINK she would have gotten the message when that darn trim came off a second time, not to mention the desk drawer being stuck and that stupid light bulb that i just could not reach.

She DID however ask me to come see her toolbox and her truck. My truck was bigger but I didn't mention that.

Hey wait! Maybe i was the 2x4 femme! Honestly i could have done my own repairs because i am very handy that way but it sounded like a good idea at the time.

Actually i was not trying to catch a date, but just to OUT myself somehow as being gay, and i am sure in the end that happened but not without a LOT of effort and extra construction work on her part.

[YBFemme]

Be yourself. Butch women will know. Trust me. And those who do not, meh.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by YBFemme

Be yourself. Butch women will know. Trust me. And those who do not, meh.

Very good advice.