Rethinking our partner wishlists. Is it "settling" or adjusting to reality?

[Blade]

Originally Posted by Kobi

If you have a wishlist for a partner/companion is it an ideal list or a
guide of sorts?

Have you revised your list to increase your chances for finding an
appropriate partner/companion as you have matured in age?

Do you feel like you are settling if you deviate from your list?

If you find someone who's company you enjoy, and who treats you well,
but doesnt measure up to your preferred standards in some way,
can you set your list aside and just enjoy the company? Or, do you
find yourself holding back in case a more suitable suitor comes along?

Is there a point, age wise, when you can see yourself letting go of
the need for bells, whistles, and fireworks in exchange for pleasant,
consistent, mutually satisfying, supportive companionship?

Yes over the years I have revised my wish list. It has actually changed a lot since I was say 40.

My wish list is just a guide. Of course there are things on the wish list that is a must, but for the most part just a guideline.



I don't think I am settling if I stray off of my wish list a little. Things change life changes I change, our needs change. I could enjoy the company of someone who didn't measure up but that doesn't mean I would be in love with them. Friendship is important, and dating is sort of a way to weed out the friendships from the possible love interests.

For me the bells and whistles and fireworks almost always come first. There has to be a physical attraction. I am at the age where well lets face it I'm getting long in the tooth and if I were looking for a partner, the pickings in wish list are slim and get slimmer as time goes on. I wouldn't settle, I'd just keep looking until I found Miss Right. Miss September is working out just fine right now so the wish list is all checked off at this time.

[Shystonefem]

Not going to settle.... if there is nobody there, Ok.... I love animals... I love laughter, I love free time, I love to cuddle, I don't want you to yell at me, I am not all about "floors you can eat off of" - the house is clean but will never be spotless...... I love life and I love adventure.

[Kätzchen]

Strangely, having a conversation on the subject of settling for less, within the context of type of employment or career/career goals, rather than within the realm of a romantic relationship, was how it all began for me and the person I am exclusively seeing.

He asked me, in a roundabout way, why I was settling for less (he didn't ask, he just submitted his idea, fishing for my response). I was glad for the opportunity to ask why he thought I was settling for less (in my former roe at work), and I submitted the idea that it is not always 'settling for less' or 'adjusting to reality', when in reality chances are that we run with what we've got and build on what we can and take steps to grow (or go forward) with what we presently have or take a chance when we see opportunities to explore new realms of life. I followed up with giving him an example of how I landed the job I had (at the time) and qualified my rationale that if I had not elected to participate in my former role that one consequence would be that we would have never met each other, at all.

That said, I feel that it is good when we have a good inkling of what it is that we want or might need (ie, list of preferences). But even on my best day of knowing what I want or need is not enough.

He was impressed with my ability to propose an alternate view on whether we settle for less or have any sort of settlement that lends toward a sense of satisfaction or adds to the sum of happiness we search for.

In my mind, all the ideas I have had about what I want or need have come into play, to a certain degree, whether the focus is that of an career or employment to the type of relationship one seeks and hopes to find.


For us, thankfully, it has been conversational topics such as the one spoken of here (ie, settling for less, etc) that paved the way for us to collaborate, while pontificating on subjective ideas, within an objective trained acuity.

I am grateful and feel blessed that he is timely in his process and style of communication.

Which is a big deal, to me (holding ones own as a communicator in communicating our ideas, needs, wants and desires).

[Violette]

Originally Posted by Kobi

There was an interesting article in the paper today about single women,
over 40, who are feeling the void of simple, consistent companionship in
their personal lives.

These women have had wishlists of qualities, characteristics etc. for a permanent partner
but have found few who measure up to their ideal.
As a result, rather than "settling" for less than the ideal,
these women have been going without.

Interestingly, I have matched a former partner's extensive wish list. I was shocked. Prior to this experience, I had looked a lot of online profiles and read some folks' wish lists and thought, "My goodness, you're never going to find anyone who meets all of those things!" It got to the point that I wouldn't even finish reading those profiles.

Now, they are apparently rethinking their wishlists to devise a more practical and viable
(and maybe realistic) list of important things in a partner/companion.

So, I am wondering the following:

If you have a wishlist for a partner/companion is it an ideal list or a
guide of sorts?

I have a few things that I think are needed for a healthy relationship. I'm fairly open about some things, but some qualities are needed.

Have you revised your list to increase your chances for finding an
appropriate partner/companion as you have matured in age?

I find that I get more refined about the qualities I find necessary. The more people I have gotten to know, the more I know about what works for me and what doesn't. So, the list gets revised, but it is in accordance to my growth.

Do you feel like you are settling if you deviate from your list?

I don't feel that applies for me. Learning more about what works and does not work for yourself and adjusting your list accordingly, isn't settling. I realize you are likely speaking of people who have long lists and just find the need to cut it down to be with someone. My point is that "lists" change, but not necessarily for the reasons you write.

If you find someone who's company you enjoy, and who treats you well,
but doesnt measure up to your preferred standards in some way,
can you set your list aside and just enjoy the company? Or, do you
find yourself holding back in case a more suitable suitor comes along?

It seems to me, it's a good idea to wait for the one who might work best. Having said this, I've met much older couples (late 70's, 80's plus) who have done this. They are together for companionship and it's not really about the romance (not that older folks can't have wonderful romances, just sharing what I've seen--that there's comfort in consistent supportive companionship).

Is there a point, age wise, when you can see yourself letting go of
the need for bells, whistles, and fireworks in exchange for pleasant,
consistent, mutually satisfying, supportive companionship?

As mentioned above, matching the former partner's extensive list did not make our relationship last. Behind the list is a human who has a way of interacting with you that may or may not work for you. It turned out, she did not fit my "list" of basic qualities that I need for a relationship to work for me. Initially, there was a lot of potential; she met those qualities. Then it fell apart. When things get real deep and people get triggered, sometimes they can no longer "hold on" to those qualities. And it seems, that all of those qualities that I matched, didn't matter in the end.

[Ascot]

I've probably referenced this before because they've been with me a long time, but two relationship tenets that I still carry with me, given to me by my mother when I was quite young and we were having "the talks" are this; your partner has to challenge you intellectually and they have to make you laugh. Intelligence and a desire to continue learning are paramount to me. When I was younger, I'm sure I said that it's important that one be well educated but I don't necessarily mean that in a formal way. As I've gotten older, I've learned that education can come in many, many forms. Ignorance is not bliss.

A great sense of humor is pretty important to me, too. It's one of my nonnegotiables. It's especially important to be able to laugh at oneself. I know that isn't always easy. God knows I provide myself a lot of fodder in that regard. Life is simply too short to be a sourpuss all the time.

I am not going to settle. I want to feel lust, tenderness, respect, fierceness, creativity, comfort, protectiveness, love. They are the same things I want to receive and inspire. I don't think any of that has really changed for me over the years, but now they have a patina.

[homoe]

It's not so much of a wish list as things that will attract me to someone and make me want to get to know them better. A MUST is a sense of humor. Life is way to short to take things so seriously! Secondly, a nice smile! I don't care how attractive someone may be but if they are walking around with a scowl painted on their face, chances are I'm not even going to notice them. Lastly, I would like someone who can carry on an intelligent conversation once the sex dies out, and lets face it, if you can't communicate how long will a relationship survive?

[C0LLETTE]

Geez homoe! I'm over here.

[JDeere]

I used to have a list of what I wanted but now that I am older, I have rethought about the said list.

Nowadays, it's all about

Honesty
Respect
Communication
Sense of Humor
Has to like horror movies

[JDeere]

BUMP BUMP!

I am finding that I am accepting that this life is reality and not how I imagined it in my fantasy world!

[Shystonefem]

I have a both, a list of what I want and a list of what I don't want.

What I want....

Intelligent conversation - if we can't talk about anything on an intellectual level, you won't have my interest for very long. This is hard to find.

Someone who is as helpful to me as I am to them. I can do many things, however, if someone can do the things I cannot do, please help me as I would you.

Someone with a sense of humor. I love to laugh and I would want the same in a partner.

Someone that can listen as well as talk. I understand that things go on in everyone's life but remember, things happen in my life too. Be as interested in my day as I am in yours.

Someone that is so sincere that I trust them completely. I will tell anyone almost everything except what is deep down inside of me. If someone can get there, they will have me forever. It is not easy to get there but I do know that, someday, someone will.

Someone that pays attention to who I am and how I love. I have always known how my partners have loved and I have always tried to show them love that way, however, I don't think anyone has really known how I love and, therefore, never really expressed it in ways that made me feel completely loved.

And I know what I don't want.....

Cheaters

Liars

Cold hearted people

People that are mean to animals

Someone who tries to separate me from my family

A person that doesn't respect what is important to me.

[Nat]

My list changed a lot when I realized kids weren't a part of my future - and then realized as much as I had wanted one that I was actually relieved to have this big uncharted future ahead of me.

But really that list is changing for me too - my dreams are changing - I don't know really what I want yet - my new dreams are still being dreamed up. It's kind of exciting. I wouldn't drag someone into that. I may never.

Life changes, people change, dreams change. It's not settling to listen to the longings of today and - especially if it doesn't require dumping someone overboard - to shift course for whatever longings suit the present you rather than whatever past you of perhaps different appetites and depths and longings may have at one time wanted.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Of course it's changed. Be insane if it didn't. I find as I age, my list gets more restrictive, not more open. I used to be very open with dating, willing to try lots of different kinds of people, money didn't matter, age didn't matter, education didn't matter, type of sexuality (in kink. I was open to tops, switches, bottoms etc), class didn't matter, ethnicity didn't matter, if they drank or smoked pot didn't matter... I was open to all kinds of non-monogamy. Distance didn't matter. Lived with people, lived in communal houses of genderqueer community, alternative community, punk rock, musicians etc. Got married. Had triad relationships.

So, no, actually it's different for me. I find I'm a HELL of a lot more restrictive.
But then I seem to be living my life backwards to most people. I find most people as they get older realise they want more freedom and want to start traveling etc.

I've done all that. I've experimented with being a top, a domme, a bottom, a switch, lived in several different countries, dated men, women, transmasculines, genderqueer, bigenderded. Had four different careers, been to school three times.

So, no. I find my life is now becoming more focused. I know what I can and cannot do. So my dating list has become far more strict and narrow. I know what works and what doesn't. I know what matters and what doesn't. I know what things make me sick (mentally broken down, fatigued, depressed) and what things are mentally healthy for me.

[gotoseagrl]

I have found that you might know a lot of important things which you choose to not settle without, but not the full list until that person just arrives, unexpectedly, and fills in all the blanks. An overabundance of them.

[kittygrrl]

Originally Posted by meridiantoo

I think I am in the same place in life. I once wanted someone to be absolutely perfect or absolutely perfect for me, which meant the same thing. Does this 'soul mate' exist? For me, it has been yes and no. No one is going to meet my every want/need/desire/dream. And honestly, I'm not sure I want them to. I honor and value my own evolution as a person. I also believe strongly in valuing my partner's evolution. So, what are qualities that seem at first to be negatives or undesired traits, I would not necessarily peg as deal-breakers anymore. My deal-breakers are my only list now. I am a very different woman than I was 20 years ago. I hope to be different 20 year from now. Who would have knocked my socks off at 20 is not who knocks my socks off now. So, I have learned to be more fluid in my expectations. Does this mean I settle? Maybe. But, I think only if I feel I am settling.

Love your comments! The word settling is such loaded word..what is wrong with settling for the right reasons? I think it is very rare to find the someone who has all our bells and whistles and oftentimes the person we choose who we think has all the important ones we find is not what we needed most..or wanted for that matter. Earth life tends to be lead in the fast lane and we subject ourselves to many things which are not necessarily good for us and it is only through the universe showing us, "is this what you wanted?" we realize "No! not like that!" There is a saying about that we are always learning but not necessarily learning from it and tend to repeat the same mistakes. I've seen it often. It's not wrong, everything here gives us experience to understand (and bring) the meaning to our lives and what will give us ultimately....(at some point, hopefully)..a measure of happiness.

[Cin]

I never had a list and I doubt I ever will. There are way too many variables and unknowns for me to believe I know what I do and don't want. Something intolerable in one person seems perfectly acceptable in another because of some unfathomable and unpredictable mixture of aspects and factors, not to mention degree.

For example suppose on my hypothetical list I have that the person I will entertain as a suitable partner must be kind and easy to get along with. I meet a hypothetical someone who is kind and easy going, someone who goes with the flow and isn't always struggling against others. Then I discover that it is not so much that she is kind or even easy going as it is that she avoids conflict. She would prefer not to argue to the extent that she does not get what she wants and then she is frustrated but unable to express it. This sometimes results in her displeasure coming out sideways and as a result she can be occasionally passive aggressive. She would also like it if I were telepathic. I discover that easy going is not so easy after all and she requires my help in expressing her needs and wants. Depending on the rest of our relationship and other extenuating circumstances I might be willing to help her with this. Perhaps it would be worth it to me to stay in the relationship but perhaps it would not. But either way it's difficult to interpret other people's qualities as positive or negative and even harder to categorize their attributes.

I like M Scott Peck's definition of love as being the willingness to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth. So for me lists would probably give way to love. That is probably the most important ingredient in my relationship choices. How loving are our interactions? Love and compassion go a long way in overcoming those inevitable obstacles.

The difference for me today is that when I was younger I wasn't aware that other people had lists. Now I know they do and the only thing on my list is that the person I am interested in doesn't have one. For me I would be worried that I wouldn't measure up and always wondering if the person had to settle. I want to be someone's choice not something to be settled for.

Luckily for me none of this is an issue since I am very happily married to a woman who seems as though she was made especially and specifically for me.

[job]

Exactly what Miss Tick said.

Also, as I have gotten older I care less about being with someone. So, if I even suspect I'll be happier alone....I'm good. Any interest is gone.

[BullDog]

Well, I posted in this thread in 2011 and stand by what I said then. I've never had a list beyond someone who is honest, kind, good sense of humor, intelligent and femme. Bonus points if she loves the arts and is politically minded to some extent. Sharing the same values about the importance of our relationship and enjoying living the same kind of life are key too. Someone I can laugh with constantly and someone who loves my quirks instead of just putting up with them, and I hers.

That said, I do believe it is possible for one person to meet all my bells, whistles and fireworks because I have found her. I couldn't have dreamed her up if I tried or measured her against some sort of list of qualifications. It's big things, quirky things and lots of other things in between. It's a combination of how our individual qualities and characteristics play off of one another. In some ways we are eerily similar and in other ways we are very different yet complementary. I couldn't have anticipated all of that ahead of time. And the consistent, mutually satisfying, supportive companionship is there too based on our communication and because we want to live the same kind of life and have the same kind of relationship. It may be sheer luck that we even found each other, but yes it is possible.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I've taken the word "list of requirements" to mean "boundaries and knowing what you need and can't take in a relationship."

If someone didn't have a list of boundaries and needs I wouldn't go near them with someone else's barge pole.

Or am I misunderstanding the term "list"

[imperfect_cupcake]

Violette, your words resonate best with me.

I think the understanding of the difference between a want and a need in a relationship it kind of what Kobi is talking about.

Perhaps Kobi meant by bells and whistles, those things that are wants, not needs.

I know the difference. My list of needs is not short. Mainly because I have dated, been sex friends with, had committed relationships with a fair many people in my sexually active period of 14-46. That's 32 years. I wasn't very discriminatory with people in affairs of the heart (casual sex? Very discriminatory. But it's a different criteria). Whomever got my heart butterflies going, I'd accept. I didn't know any different. There was a whole world to love.

Now I know better. I have a list of needs. And they *do* have to be met. Or I will become sick, depressed, unhappy and non-functional. The wants are all things that would be nice but don't affect my mental health and well being and therefore aren't necessary. Like, I'm a total geek/nerd, I would love it if someone was too. But it's not vital. What it vital is that they are willing to come along to museums and galleries and learn with me.
I HATE team sports and fishing. sitting and watching a game on tv with someone is like asking me to watch paint dry. But I'm happy to go to a baseball/hockey game with them if they buy me hot dogs and teach me. Or turn the TV game into a kinky sex game.

I'm just never going to go fishing with someone on a little boat. Ever. For some people, that's a need. Just like for others with a deep enjoyment of ball room dancing, they need someone who wants to be their partner in dance and is willing to learn at least some steps.

I think understanding the difference between a want and a need is kind of what is being asked?

[storyspinner70]

I think you do yourself a major disservice by even thinking of it in the terms of a must have/musn't have list. Life doesn't work that way. People aren't a laundry list of traits for you to shop for. When you do that, you lose out on people that could have the best contribution to your life.

It's a limiting way to live your life and you deserve better than that. If you click with someone, give them a chance. You'll find out soon enough if you're compatible enough to live your life together or just to have fun for awhile, or if you need to run very quickly the other way.

Everyone has things they won't accept: abuse, etc. That's basic. But if you aren't open, if you never give someone a chance because they don't meet but 6 out of 12 requirements on your list, you never know who you let go by you. How do you know those 6 aren't enough? What if they have 6 others you never even knew you wanted - or could want?

To me, it's just limiting yourself in a way you never should be and it's not fair to yourself. If I wasn't open, I'd never have spent the last almost four years with my butch, because she is like no one I've been with before. And I'm very glad I never had those limits. She is more than worth it.