Long Distance - How do you cope?

[Silverseastar]

I've never done anything long distance until now and I'm finding it VERY hard. The chemistry and connection is insanely high and I want to make it work but struggle with not having frequent physical contact (we are both very physical people).

So far we have chatted a million hours over messenger and on phone, and today I downloaded Skype which I also hope will help. Are there any ways in particular that you find to keep feeling connected? To deal with the physical withdrawal and loneliness?

If it helps, we're in a D/s dynamic, possible Daddy/girl, romantic dynamic and unsure yet in terms of how to define as it is very early on. We live in different countries, and a good amount of travel time apart. Travel is likely going to be limited to once every 3-4 weeks.

[Julie]

Okay... Here goes.

I am in a very long distance relationship with Dreamer. Dreamer lives in Australia and I live in New York - There is 16k miles between us and right now a 14 hour time difference. We have been doing this for about 18 months. I have been there 2 times and Dreamer has been here once. It is HARD.

Video chat - Skype - Yahoo Video - Movie Nights - Dinner -- Sometimes the video camera is on from the time Dreamer wakes up, till I go to bed. Sometimes we don't even talk. We say goodnight on the phone every night.

Communication is KEY! And so is arguing and not being afraid to be cranky and everything else that goes with relationships. I get really cranky - ask anybody who knows me. I cry a lot and I yell a lot. Dreamer is more balanced, because really only one of us can fall apart at one time and it seems to be me. I fall apart a LOT. But you have to let the other person fall apart TOO - I am not so good at this, but trying to be less selfish, which is also a struggle - cause I am realllllllllllllllllllllllly selfish.

Seeing one another every 3-4 weeks is really quite glorious. Be happy for this and who knows... You live in Canada, a country which allows partner immigration and marriage. The United States does not. At least not yet.

Also --

When you are having doubts or feeling like you cannot do this one more minute - Just imagine the alternative and if it does not sit well or makes you sad - then the alternative is not an option.

Good LUCK!

Julie

[Silverseastar]

Thanks for the ideas Julie, especially the last part about no alternative. Very good way to evaluate it.

[DaddyMenace]

::settling in, watching the thread::: such good advice already.

The alternative, as I said, it simply NOT an option.

Sir

[DapperButch]

Have you guys met in person yet? It is not completely clear from your post.

If you haven't met yet, I'd say do that first before becoming overwhelmed. I only ask because I have seen people describe themselves as being in a relationship and even pronoucing love before they have even met (and often it is not clear from their posts that they haven't). One never knows if they will be a match until they actually meet. Don't put the cart before the horse.

If you have met...ummm...listen to Julie!

The longest distance I have done was 5 hours away and that was doable. That was a relationship I wasn't looking for. Long distance has never been an option for me. I figure if I don't know what I am missing (a person I have never met), than I am not missing anything!

Good luck. Lots of people make it work.

[Silverseastar]

*giggles*

Yes of course we've met. Oh my goodness did we meet. That is exactly why it's SO hard.

[Abigail Crabby]

Originally Posted by Julie

Okay... Here goes.

I am in a very long distance relationship with Dreamer. Dreamer lives in Australia and I live in New York - There is 16k miles between us and right now a 14 hour time difference. We have been doing this for about 18 months. I have been there 2 times and Dreamer has been here once. It is HARD.

Video chat - Skype - Yahoo Video - Movie Nights - Dinner -- Sometimes the video camera is on from the time Dreamer wakes up, till I go to bed. Sometimes we don't even talk. We say goodnight on the phone every night.

Communication is KEY! And so is arguing and not being afraid to be cranky and everything else that goes with relationships. I get really cranky - ask anybody who knows me. I cry a lot and I yell a lot. Dreamer is more balanced, because really only one of us can fall apart at one time and it seems to be me. I fall apart a LOT. But you have to let the other person fall apart TOO - I am not so good at this, but trying to be less selfish, which is also a struggle - cause I am realllllllllllllllllllllllly selfish.

Seeing one another every 3-4 weeks is really quite glorious. Be happy for this and who knows... You live in Canada, a country which allows partner immigration and marriage. The United States does not. At least not yet.

Also --

When you are having doubts or feeling like you cannot do this one more minute - Just imagine the alternative and if it does not sit well or makes you sad - then the alternative is not an option.

Good LUCK!

Julie

It warms my heart to hear I'm not the only one who gets cranky and cries alot.

I can't be upbeat 24/7 I wish I could - but there are times when things in my life are pissing me off or making me depressed - those are the time I seem to need that physical presence more than ever - Thank God for Face Time - even tho I know it drives Jo crazy when I am cranky or in a down mood, at least he tries to smile thru it.

As Julie stated communication is key - and I always say what's on my mind - sometimes Jo doesn't agree and is able to say exactly what is on his mind. Lucky for me he's great at communication as well.

We have a three hour time difference and it can be a drag at times, cuz I'm up at 5:30 am his time and he's up when I'm in bed so getting a chance to say goodnite isn't always possible.

But we spend quality time together and get together as often as we can. Do I need more physical time with Da Schmooze oh yeah I do - but we live on opposite coasts and can't make any changes so I've learned to value the times we do get together

[Gemme]

Luv and I aren't too bad, in comparison with some of the other LDR couples here. Hy's roughly 1100 miles and one time zone away from me.

We text and talk every morning and throughout the day. We always talk before bed too.

We will watch Hulu together and talk about what we see while on the phone. We haven't Skyped yet, but that's because my computer is as old as Father Time and is cranky about loading it.

We'll leave things on the forums here for one another and little hidden and not so hidden messages designed to make the other smile.

Hy's visited me once and it was really nice and we got along marvelously (this is fantastic because sometimes in person, things can be different), even if I did have to work a couple of those days.

Basically, be mindful of one another's needs and figure out what works for you. Some folks, as mentioned, are needier than others. Some want more face to face interaction and some prefer or are just fine with the voice connection. As long as the two of you are connecting and things feel good and right, then it's all good.

[Ciaran]

I've done two LDRs or, rather, VLDRs (very long distance relationships) in that both were with women from opposite parts of the world to me. The first was in South East Asia and the second was in San Diego.

In neither case was it conscious for me (or my partner) that we were entering a LDR - rather, in both instances it just happened after friendship and, by friendship, I mean real-time friendship, albeit supplemented by phone, internet etc.

Neither relationship lasted but, interestingly, I don't think that either failed due to the long distance aspects. Certainly, it caused additional unwelcome challenges but not the deciding factor in either. In practice, both relationships maybe lasted longer due to the long distance nature as, due to the limited real time contact, issues didn't necessarily come to a head until much later than had the relationship been much georgraphically closer and thus spending a lot of real time together.

When these relationships were working, they were often working due to extensive travel. At times, I would fly to the US four or five times a year and my partner would fly to Ireland (where I then lived) maybe two or three times a year. All a bit whirlwind, exciting at times and tiring at other times.

I don't regret either of the relationships, especially not the second of them. It's brought me the continued love of someone I'm incredibly close to and I've no doubt that we'll be incredibly bonded until the end.

We still see each other regularly - she's based in San Diego and I'll be travelling there later this month. Later in the year, to celebrate an Irish Christmas, she'll be travelling over to spend Christmas with my family who have taken her in as a true and real member of the family - and that's saying something given how hesitant Irish families can be to outsiders.


Apologies for what turned into a ramble. Guess all I'm saying is that I tried a few LDRs, built up a lot of airmiles. They didn't work out but gave great enjoyment and I've made some great and close friends as a result. Can LDRs work? Sure they can - and there's plenty of proof of that. Equally, there's plenty of proof that more fail than succeed and much of the reason for failure is that too many use "LDRs" to substitute fantasy for reality.

Therefore, my general view is - if you're thinking of a LDR, give it a go and you could have enjoyment and ultimately have a meaningful relationship. However, for your safety and sanity and that of your partner, keep it grounded in reality at all times.

[Gráinne]

Originally Posted by Ciaran

I've done two LDRs or, rather, VLDRs (very long distance relationships) in that both were with women from opposite parts of the world to me. The first was in South East Asia and the second was in San Diego.

In neither case was it conscious for me (or my partner) that we were entering a LDR - rather, in both instances it just happened after friendship and, by friendship, I mean real-time friendship, albeit supplemented by phone, internet etc.

Neither relationship lasted but, interestingly, I don't think that either failed due to the long distance aspects. Certainly, it caused additional unwelcome challenges but not the deciding factor in either. In practice, both relationships maybe lasted longer due to the long distance nature as, due to the limited real time contact, issues didn't necessarily come to a head until much later than had the relationship been much georgraphically closer and thus spending a lot of real time together.

When these relationships were working, they were often working due to extensive travel. At times, I would fly to the US four or five times a year and my partner would fly to Ireland (where I then lived) maybe two or three times a year. All a bit whirlwind, exciting at times and tiring at other times.

I don't regret either of the relationships, especially not the second of them. It's brought me the continued love of someone I'm incredibly close to and I've no doubt that we'll be incredibly bonded until the end.

We still see each other regularly - she's based in San Diego and I'll be travelling there later this month. Later in the year, to celebrate an Irish Christmas, she'll be travelling over to spend Christmas with my family who have taken her in as a true and real member of the family - and that's saying something given how hesitant Irish families can be to outsiders.


Apologies for what turned into a ramble. Guess all I'm saying is that I tried a few LDRs, built up a lot of airmiles. They didn't work out but gave great enjoyment and I've made some great and close friends as a result. Can LDRs work? Sure they can - and there's plenty of proof of that. Equally, there's plenty of proof that more fail than succeed and much of the reason for failure is that too many use "LDRs" to substitute fantasy for reality.

Therefore, my general view is - if you're thinking of a LDR, give it a go and you could have enjoyment and ultimately have a meaningful relationship. However, for your safety and sanity and that of your partner, keep it grounded in reality at all times.

I've had similar experiences, with a couple of women across the continent or the world (England, California). I'm in Arkansas.

I think LDR can work out, with a boatload of "if's". If you're grounded in reality, as Ciaran said. It's tempting to create an entire fantasy relationship in your mind that is much heavier than reality. IF you keep a "real life" wherever you are. IF you have some idea of being together, rather than a LDR ad infinitim. That can be hard, if you're already established in your own countries or states.

It's also true that in an LDR, the goal can become getting to see one another again, rather than growing closer as a couple. Then, when you do see one another, it's tempting not to "ruin" things by bringing up problems as you only have a few days together. It's so easy to spend it in bed and doing romantic things, rather than "real life" stuff.

It can be fun, of course. You can see part of the world you've never known, away from tourists (unless you go to a famous site, like I did with English woman ). If nothing else, you could come out of it with a good friend.

[stephfromMIT]

We went colleges in different states (Me-PA, Mandy-MN) We kept in touch with Facebook and e-mail. We spent as much off time together as possible.

[justkim]

Some days better than others... that is how I cope...