Eating Disorders ~

[sylvie]

This post is an extremely hard post for me - & i couldn't find a thread on Eating Disorders, so thought i would make one.. i'm not one to start threads, but this is one i felt 'i' needed - and not sure if there are others here who could use this thread, but it would certainly be a huge help to me to share and have others share - because as strong as i feel some days - my everyday is a huge fight within, between temptations, my anger letting go of certain foods, practicing abstinence with the no-no's for me & mostly, trying to overcome the things of my past which serve as ways for me to break down emotionally - in other words trying to stop finding reasons to do this, and be a healthy, happier & more well balanced me..

i would like this thread to serve any kinds of Eating Disorders, not just ones like mine, because i've learned in my meetings, many feelings and are quite similar and i constantly learn & grow into a stronger me when i share and when others share with me.. The support & encouragement is much needed, at least for me..

A little about me: *takes a deep breath*

i'm on a journey to a healthier, happier me.. The hardest part of my journey so far has been admitting not only that i have an eating disorder, but that i needed some serious help.. Admitting it to myself has been a huge step in itself, but letting the people who care about me know was almost just as hard - because now i'm kept accountable. i have been formally diagnosed as a binger & purger (i was diagnosed as bulemic in my younger years) and stems from that, of course.. the first few years, i binged & purged however for many years after, it's been binging once my doctor found me out, with the occasional purging when my emotions get the best of me.

i have a lot of anger towards letting go of my food, binging (and purging) has been a source of comfort for me for years.. It was my peace of mind, when i had no control on anything else in my life, i could control that. Over the course of about 10 years, i have pushed family and friends out of my life, i stopped doing things for myself and i let my self esteem sink .. my weight gain has been a source of pain for me, and anytime i lost weight, i did so the unhealthy way - and it's very hard for me to wrap my head around letting go of foods and not eating emotionally and letting go of the anger within... it would be so much easier to starve myself, or purge what i eat and lose weight - but i'm learning the healthier thinking pattern and i know deep down this is stinkin' thinkin' and i need to work everyday at being a healthier me - it's now going to be a lifetime commitment.

i have been to counselling sessions, i have attended some various groups for stress, and coping - and i've even attended some OA meetings, online as well as offline.. i am working on sharing this side of myself, because for so many years i've been hidden, for SO many people in my life, even my own children and i have a lot of people in my life who care about me and love me, and i want to be healthy and extend my life - not dig my own grave.. i have so much to live for, and in saying all of this, i am admitting i need further help - sharing my daily struggles, my moments of weakness or celebrating my strengths.. (it's sooo important for me to find ways to really celebrate my strengths these days)

i often post in the Healthy Weight thread, and feel GREAT when doing so.. i get so much motivation there about staying on track and healthy tips etc.. But this, is a motivation i need of a different kind and i know that thread isn't about Eating Disorders and getting help.. i have contemplated starting this thread for awhile now, but i'm shy, and admitting this truth of mine is difficult.. But the more i do, and the more resources i have for help, the better for me (and possibly anyone else who struggles also)..

If there was anyone else who wanted to share, or post here i'd be so appreciative.. But if not, i could certainly use the thread to get my own thoughts and struggles out.. Everyday is something it seems, and i'm so tired of beating myself up.. i need to seek help, i AM seeking help... Even if its just getting this out to the Universe - it's something a little more than the venues i have right now...

i also know this is a very touchy topic and not everyone wants to share publicly, i am open to making friends who are in similar situations, and am a PM away, because as much as i need the help myself, i'm a great ear for listening - and would lend any advice i could of my own too.

[princessbelle]

Originally Posted by sylvie

This post is an extremely hard post for me - & i couldn't find a thread on Eating Disorders, so thought i would make one.. i'm not one to start threads, but this is one i felt 'i' needed - and not sure if there are others here who could use this thread, but it would certainly be a huge help to me to share and have others share - because as strong as i feel some days - my everyday is a huge fight within, between temptations, my anger letting go of certain foods, practicing abstinence with the no-no's for me & mostly, trying to overcome the things of my past which serve as ways for me to break down emotionally - in other words trying to stop finding reasons to do this, and be a healthy, happier & more well balanced me..

i would like this thread to serve any kinds of Eating Disorders, not just ones like mine, because i've learned in my meetings, many feelings and are quite similar and i constantly learn & grow into a stronger me when i share and when others share with me.. The support & encouragement is much needed, at least for me..

A little about me: *takes a deep breath*

i'm on a journey to a healthier, happier me.. The hardest part of my journey so far has been admitting not only that i have an eating disorder, but that i needed some serious help.. Admitting it to myself has been a huge step in itself, but letting the people who care about me know was almost just as hard - because now i'm kept accountable. i have been formally diagnosed as a binger & purger (i was diagnosed as bulemic in my younger years) and stems from that, of course.. the first few years, i binged & purged however for many years after, it's been binging once my doctor found me out, with the occasional purging when my emotions get the best of me.

i have a lot of anger towards letting go of my food, binging (and purging) has been a source of comfort for me for years.. It was my peace of mind, when i had no control on anything else in my life, i could control that. Over the course of about 10 years, i have pushed family and friends out of my life, i stopped doing things for myself and i let my self esteem sink .. my weight gain has been a source of pain for me, and anytime i lost weight, i did so the unhealthy way - and it's very hard for me to wrap my head around letting go of foods and not eating emotionally and letting go of the anger within... it would be so much easier to starve myself, or purge what i eat and lose weight - but i'm learning the healthier thinking pattern and i know deep down this is stinkin' thinkin' and i need to work everyday at being a healthier me - it's now going to be a lifetime commitment.

i have been to counselling sessions, i have attended some various groups for stress, and coping - and i've even attended some OA meetings, online as well as offline.. i am working on sharing this side of myself, because for so many years i've been hidden, for SO many people in my life, even my own children and i have a lot of people in my life who care about me and love me, and i want to be healthy and extend my life - not dig my own grave.. i have so much to live for, and in saying all of this, i am admitting i need further help - sharing my daily struggles, my moments of weakness or celebrating my strengths.. (it's sooo important for me to find ways to really celebrate my strengths these days)

i often post in the Healthy Weight thread, and feel GREAT when doing so.. i get so much motivation there about staying on track and healthy tips etc.. But this, is a motivation i need of a different kind and i know that thread isn't about Eating Disorders and getting help.. i have contemplated starting this thread for awhile now, but i'm shy, and admitting this truth of mine is difficult.. But the more i do, and the more resources i have for help, the better for me (and possibly anyone else who struggles also)..

If there was anyone else who wanted to share, or post here i'd be so appreciative.. But if not, i could certainly use the thread to get my own thoughts and struggles out.. Everyday is something it seems, and i'm so tired of beating myself up.. i need to seek help, i AM seeking help... Even if its just getting this out to the Universe - it's something a little more than the venues i have right now...

((((((Sylvie))))))

It takes a lot of courage to talk about things that are so very personal and i am so proud of you for sharing your story.

I was once anorexic. I was in my early 20s had a baby, a really bad life, was gay and in a bio marriage to a "not so nice" person. I would go days and not eat. I got down to 50 pounds under my ideal weight. It wasn't a body image problem. It was a "i hate my life" problem and this was the only thing i knew i could control. And, oh i did. My family and my friends were constantly begging me to eat, it made me more determined not to. The days of not eating grew longer and then i went almost a week. Finally, i was admitted into the hospital. I was so runned down and so frail and weak. The docs were going to start tube feedings but i refused.

I'm still not sure what happened. But, one night i was laying in St. Mary's hospital bed and a nun walked in. She saw me crying and she sat with me for hours and helped me see that life is what you make of it. She reminded me of that little baby i had at home that was totally dependent on me. That i had good parents who loved me and were there for me. I was being selfish. It clicked. I was lucky.

To this day i'm sure she doesn't realize she saved my life. Sometimes it takes a light bulb moment or a friend to touch your heart in a way that just works. But, the eating disorder doesn't ever fully go away and it is always a struggle...i believe that anyway. I still have to be careful to eat sometimes. But, i don't do this on purpose any longer and i certainly, by any sense of the imagination, have an underweight problem. But, food taken or not taken is a controlling power that is easily used and abused when we hurt deeply. I feel for you honey. I am so happy you are making good choices about yourself.

I am proud of you. I am proud of me. You are right, it is wonderful to get that positive energy flowing and i feel that from you.

[sylvie]

Originally Posted by princessbelle

((((((Sylvie))))))

It takes a lot of courage to talk about things that are so very personal and i am so proud of you for sharing your story.

I was once anorexic. I was in my early 20s had a baby, a really bad life, was gay and in a bio marriage to a "not so nice" person. I would go days and not eat. I got down to 50 pounds under my ideal weight. It wasn't a body image problem. It was a "i hate my life" problem and this was the only thing i knew i could control. And, oh i did. My family and my friends were constantly begging me to eat, it made me more determined not to. The days of not eating grew longer and then i went almost a week. Finally, i was admitted into the hospital. I was so runned down and so frail and weak. The docs were going to start tube feedings but i refused.

I'm still not sure what happened. But, one night i was laying in St. Mary's hospital bed and a nun walked in. She saw me crying and she sat with me for hours and helped me see that life is what you make of it. She reminded me of that little baby i had at home that was totally dependent on me. That i had good parents who loved me and were there for me. I was being selfish. It clicked. I was lucky.

To this day i'm sure she doesn't realize she saved my life. Sometimes it takes a light bulb moment or a friend to touch your heart in a way that just works. But, the eating disorder doesn't ever fully go away and it is always a struggle...i believe that anyway. I still have to be careful to eat sometimes. But, i don't do this on purpose any longer and i certainly, by any sense of the imagination, have an underweight problem. But, food taken or not taken is a controlling power that is easily used and abused when we hurt deeply. I feel for you honey. I am so happy you are making good choices about yourself.

I am proud of you. I am proud of me. You are right, it is wonderful to get that positive energy flowing and i feel that from you.

i know that lightbulb moment very well.. it was a lightbulb moment which helped me see the reality of what i was doing to myself, and needing the help to get this under control after a lil over 10 years...Deep down i knew what i was doing and that it wasn't good for me, but the abuse to myself was very welcome until just recently.. i kept it hidden, and did my absolute best to push people out of my life merely so no one would find out, of course.. my love of food and abusing my system like this came first, just like any other addiction ..

So having that light bulb moment where i realized a/the damage i was doing to myself and my body and b/ the damage i was doing to those who loved me and i kept pushing away happened one day... i had started a self journey of trying to build my self esteem and was at a plateau, where i needed to face some things about myself which were continually beating me down and not letting me make real progress - this being one of those things.. so it was time to come to terms with it, even if it was just telling my doctor and secretly trying to get the help...

Of course, over the time of counselling, it became apparent i needed more than my doctor to know and i gained a real need to overcome this, or to try for the sake of not only me but the people who love me.. Today, i have a drive everyday to be better than this - and most days i use my tools and resources to keep strong.. i have talked about my Eating Disorder with a few people in my life (my children, Mtn, my parents, some family and some people i work with) because in all of these areas of my life, they help keep me accountable... Most days, i am content with that - then i have some hard days which aren't so easy and i get bent up with that stinkin' thinkin' of mine..

And i know that struggle of feeling selfish, and guilty.. that feeling is so overwhelming.. Day before yesterday after a long while of doing so well, i had a bad day.. i binged (not near as bad as i would have) because the guilt took over - and i didn't have to purge, however i merely have to think about doing so and i can be sick when i am in that state of mind, and i was some.. So this post not only is for a means of support for me, but i'm trying NOT to be hard on myself and to take each day as a new day.. But the feelings of selfishness, guilt and ahhh, disappointment, i can't even describe right now.. how does one stop being so damn hard on oneself, i need to forgive myself and keep moving forward and not dwell on this so much.. i think other people sharing their situations with me, may be exactly w hat i need in finding my way to self forgiveness, or at least seeing its possible.. i know it has to be a process and probably different for everyone..

Niki, (((((huggggs))))) , i can't express how thankful i am that You shared this with me..and i truly am so happy that you not only had your light bulb moment, but that it's not dictating your everyday or that you dont struggle so hard with it now..i would love that for myself one day, some days i feel willing and able, but i get reminded often i'm no where really near that.. Maybe this will be a struggle for life for me, right now it's about dealing with the inner stuff and situations of my past, finding forgiveness for people.. but mostly, forgiveness for myself, and healing.. truly healing... and learning different ways to deal with my emotions..

So your sharing inspires me, very much and i'm so grateful - your sharing has been a tremendous help to me in the past re: my father, and your ability to be so honest and helpful, makes me smile big.. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, xoxox

[ArkansasPiscesGrrl]

Sylvie,

I just wanted to applaud you for your post, your honesty, your struggle against that disease, and applaud you for your COURAGE in your fight.

I am closely allied with several Eating Disorder Facilities in this country, and know the fight that people with this disorder have to deal with on a daily basis. I also KNOW first hand from these facilities that people CAN and DO recover!

I wish you strength and continued courage in your fight.

Ann

[dark_crystal]

i think pretty much everybody knows i'm a recently-recovered anorexic, as i have discussed it on a whole buncha threads now.

for me it was caused by extreme partner abuse. when i finally got out of the situation i figured the fact that i had survived meant i was ok- but the trauma from that situation stayed with me and controlled everything for the next two years, manifesting in a very extreme way in my anorexia but also in a whole host of other compulsive and isolating behaviors

so the moral of the story is- seek counseling for trauma! don't just assume you can limp out of Hell and into the rest of your life without processing it- because one way or another you'll be forced to deal with it!

[sylvie]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

i think pretty much everybody knows i'm a recently-recovered anorexic, as i have discussed it on a whole buncha threads now.

for me it was caused by extreme partner abuse. when i finally got out of the situation i figured the fact that i had survived meant i was ok- but the trauma from that situation stayed with me and controlled everything for the next two years, manifesting in a very extreme way in my anorexia but also in a whole host of other compulsive and isolating behaviors

so the moral of the story is- seek counseling for trauma! don't just assume you can limp out of Hell and into the rest of your life without processing it- because one way or another you'll be forced to deal with it!

i did not know you were a recovered anorexic, so am so very happy you shared with me here - thank you!

i, too, now know that i developed this as a young child due to events in my life as a means to have control over something - in an appointment i had for an intake to diagnose me recently, they told me i was diagnosed as a bulemic - and this was something i didn't know..

Since finding that out, i am coming to terms with the fact that stuffing the hurt down all these years has not been a help to me, and needing to deal with it.. Counselling was a huge factor in my wanting to help myself more..

i really appreciate your advice, and will continue to seek help through counselling and the courses they've been suggesting for me.. Right now, i am visiting a dietician on a regular basis and also getting ready to start a course called Craving Change - after that i start cognitive behavioural therapy.. All these things combined with the therapy and programs thus far, are helping me have healthier thoughts as far as eating and exercise and treating myself better in the longrun.. But also, to help really deal with those past demons as well that have been a source of constant hurt and easily triggered - which caused me to hurt myself more deeply.. Vicious circle..

Thank you again for your advice and sharing your story.. i really appreciate hearing your thoughts, so much.. ((((dc))))

[sylvie]

Last night, i attended an OA meeting online..
i find this a useful tool for me, because the OA meetings here in Saint John are only on Monday nights and Saturday mornings, which is when i almost always work..
It is nice to know i have something i can depend on when necessary in the comfort of my home..but i need to learn to USE it more, even on days i feel strong, to help me build strength to overcome the challenges coming to me ..

The online meetings are daily, and every 3 hours, so it's always convenient to find a time to go.. Last night, however, was the first time i was taking something negative from the meeting.. And i managed to get ahold of my own thoughts and removed myself from the meeting, recognizing that it's NOT what i can and will be doing to myself anymore - and so it was a nice feeling to have that bit of control - i felt good that i felt strong enough to overcome those bad feelings .. (celebrating my success at any level is important)

Practicing abstinence is one of the most difficult things i've had to do, especially with 2 teenagers who forget what i go through and bring no-no foods into my safe zone.. It takes every bit of strength i have in me to walk away or not obsess how much i want a taste too...i feel weak and want to be strong enough to handle being around people and the food they choose to eat, and not obsess it.. Not going places with certain friends such as restaurants or get-togethers, because they refuse to understand the battle i have each day and still wave temptation under my nose as a means to drive me crazy.. One of those people being my father, who will deliberately bring something into my house without my realizing, and then eat or drink it smacking his lips and saying mmmm, don't you wish you could have some too? It's simply not nice, and i know i have to be vocal about him NOT doing that, not in my home - it will no longer be tolerated.. (but i just wish i had the strength to NOT let these things bother me anymore, sigh) ... one day, hopefully!

As a binger, prior to getting help, there were many instances i would grab something and hide someplace and stuff it in my mouth, whether hungry or not..At home, my safe zone "then" was having the ability to get as much junkfood, or piling my portions on my plate at mealtimes as high as i wanted to, and eating until my body couldn't handle anymore.. The amounts of food i stuffed into me every single day is alarming, and downright embarrassing..

i try to think of these things, to help me gain strength to be a better and healthier me today..

[Gemme]

I'm not a binger and/or purger...I'm not a good thrower upper and if I am doing so, please get me to the hospital asap as it's usually a sign of me being terribly ill...but I do have an unheathly emotional connection to food.

For me, I'm not sure it's so much about control as lack of control. When I eat, I zone out. It's like freaking happy time for my mouth and I want more, more, more.

Last year, I started a food journal and workout log and worked out and really paid attention to what I was putting in my body. I felt better and lost a good chunk of weight. Then I started at my job and I was so darn tired from the commute and work itself (I spend at least a quarter of the day outside, which is quite wearing on the body in this heat) and the last thing I wanted to do when I got home was think about what I needed to eat and/or working out.

It's taken the better part of a year, but I've gained all my weight back at this point. Now, I'm in that floaty place where I know what needs to be done, know that I can do it (after all, I just did it not so long ago) but the motivation to do it is just not there. And so, I sit here idling away. No worse, no better.

Come to think of it, I take back what I said earlier. I do binge. Was it you, Sylvie, that said 'as much as my body would hold'? Well, I go beyond that sometimes. To the point that I look, honestly, like a pregnant woman in the beginning of my third trimester. It's terribly uncomfortable and just makes me feel worse once I realize just HOW much I ate.

I appreciate you starting this thread. Motivation and celebrating the good things, small and large, are definitely helpful in gaining more control over one's eating patterns. I look forward to reading more.

[sylvie]

Originally Posted by ArkansasPiscesGrrl

Sylvie,

I just wanted to applaud you for your post, your honesty, your struggle against that disease, and applaud you for your COURAGE in your fight.

I am closely allied with several Eating Disorder Facilities in this country, and know the fight that people with this disorder have to deal with on a daily basis. I also KNOW first hand from these facilities that people CAN and DO recover!

I wish you strength and continued courage in your fight.

Ann

Ann, thank you so very much, between the posts from you all here in this thread and the touching reps i received, it helped settle my anxiousness about posting this thread.. Seeking help is hard to do, especially when it's something you've grown so used to hiding - i really do appreciate your words so much... Every bit of encouragement and support i receive these days is so helpful to me and motivates me to strive a little harder..

i am fighting, and continue to fight...thank you for your kind words & support.. ((((Ann))))