Personal Transformation in Widowhood/Widowerhood

[SoberBoi]

Lesbian Widows/Widowers,

I was in a relationship of almost 20 years that ended when my partner died in late 2008. Entering the relationship in 1989, few people raised their eyebrows when cloning was the fashion and two soft butches were together. Now, it seems like I am Rip Van Winkle rising from a long nap.... my closest friend and confidante and partner in adventure has been ripped from me and our social dynamics have changed.

I have changed. I now feel out of sync. I look like a boi, but am not butch enough, yet I can't even fathom being femme and cringe at the words "woman" and "lady". I am not transgendered, just trans-identified...I don't know how to identify. I like to date soft butches that are "butch-er" than I am, yet not bdsm or role-playing or "men"... I don't know if this is making any sense... I feel like Will from "Will and Grace"...

Bereavement is a hard enough place to be in. I detest people who ask details of where, when, how she died...like they enjoy making me relive a painful time. I now refuse to answer the rubberneckers.

Tell me how your emotional and social and gender identities have changed.... One day, you are a "We" and the next day, you are a .... what ... a "Me"....???

Thank you for sharing your grief and transformation...please, no rubbernecking questions, just honest sharing of feelings and thoughts about the transformation into society and personal identification...

[Heart]

So sorry for your loss. That kind of loss seems to demand a period of refelection and transformation.

My story is totally different, but I can well relate to feelings of having emerged into unknown territory and trying to figure out where to find comfort and resonance. It's taken me a decade and it's still an unfinished, but joyful, journey.

Of course, ultimately that sense of knowing/accepting who we are is within us, regardless of what is reflected back to us from "out there."

Wishing you peace,
Heart

[theoddz]

Hey there SoberBoi and welcome to The Planet. We're glad you're here.

First off, let me first offer my condolences to you in the loss of your soulmate. I, personally, have never had that kind of longevity in any relationship, but one of my very best friends in the whole world was widowed after 22 years with her lovely wife. Both of these Ladies were my dear friends, both separately and together. We weathered hard times and good times together and they were there for me (and I for them) in times of crisis when my own family wasn't. It doesn't get better than that. I met them in 1984, so that tells you that I was part of "that era" that you speak of, when you first got together with your honey. Oh, and let me add that both Angie and Irene were/are very feminine in appearance. In fact, had I not known them, my "gaydar" wouldn't have even gone off!!!

In 1995, my friend Angie passed away at the age of 42. I'm not going to go into the details here, but suffice to say that this is why I'm such a proponent of legal marriage for ALL. Angie died because of health issues that she couldn't get treatment for because Irene (the partner who worked outside the home) couldn't put her on her employer-sponsored health insurance. It broke all of our hearts to lose Angie. There are times even now when I still can't believe she's gone, and Irene and I have remained very close through all of the tears, angst, sorrows and, well, joys, too. Irene moved out here to Las Vegas back in 2003, to be closer to me, because I'm her "family" and she is mine. We are who each other calls in the middle of the night, you know, and my own family has brought Irene into our "fold" and she's like my parents' third offspring, and well, the "sister" my sister really never had!!

Since Angie's death, Irene has suffered from profound clinical depression and I haven't known how to help her. Angie was her world, and though Angie was my very close and dear friend, too, I cannot fill that void for Irene. Irene turned 64 this past October 31st. In the years following 1995, I have watched, consoled, stood by and held the hand of my dear friend, Irene. I've suggested that she "put herself out there" and find a companion of her own age to go out with or maybe do some road trips with....someone who she can relate to on another level besides that which I'm on. Since my transition to male, my friendship with Irene has "changed" somewhat. We're still very close, but it's different now, as you can imagine.

So, I guess I'm also taking an interest in this thread, and what others have to say about these issues you've brought up. Irene doesn't really see herself on any kind of gender spectrum, either, so trying to introduce her to a "butch" or a "femme" as a possible partner, companion, etc., would be a real dilemma for me, as her friend!! Irene looks like a Femme, in that she is feminine in appearance, would be, in my mind, assuming a lot. I don't know which end of the gender spectrum she'd prefer in a partner, to tell you the truth. I do know what kind of person she'd be inclined to be interested in, however. I think that would be the key, and it may be some sort of direction for you, too.

I know this site states "BUTCH/FEMME Planet", but sometimes you just have to push the labels aside and just get to know folks. Even if it turns out that you don't find a partner in our community, I know you'll find some really good friends. You just never know what's around the bend!!

I wish you the very best, SoberBoi, and I hope that you find what your heart is looking for. I appreciate and admire your courage in putting yourself out there. That's not always easy to do. I think the secret, as my Pop puts it, is finding "peace of mind". Good luck!!!!

~Theo~