Eating Disorders ~

[sylvie]

i went to a face to face meeting last night, first one in a very long time.
i usually do online meetings because there are only 2 OA meetings a week in the city i live in, and both of those meetings are times i am usually working...
Normally i get some pretty major anxiety walking into a f2f meeting - but just to show how far i've come along, i didn't have any anxiety last night.. Well okay a little bit but nothing worth mentioning..

When i created my abstinence list some time ago, i made it a super long one..And if i overate even healthy foods, for instance, i would claim that as breaking my abstinence.. i was incredibly hard on myself.. Over time, i've worked on making my abstinence list just the items i must be abstinent from.. Other things, if i choose not to eat them, is for wanting to be healthy reasons, not because i've fallen off the wagon..

i started counting my abstinence days 72 days ago.. Even though i've really been abstinent from the things on my list for a much longer time.. At the meeting last night, a woman who leads the meeting and has been a member of OA for 22 years, had a heart to heart with me.. She understands the obsessing and she understands the behaviors and sees herself in me back when she first started in OA.. Talking with her was very comforting..

She pleaded with me to acknowledge my abstinence from it's true date, and that i am deserving of that.. i don't feel deserving of it for some reason *still don't* and i'm having a very hard time swallowing the fact that i have been abstinent for one year.. (maybe a little more, but one year for sure).. Why must i be so hard on myself? i don't know, this very moment i am typing this, i'm still shaking my head ..

They are arranging a one year celebration for me, i will get a rose and a coin and have the opportunity to share my story with everyone.. *gulp* What an honor, now it's to work on accepting that.. Today i marked on the calendar 73 days abstinent, like normal... (guess it should read 368?)

i need to work on acceptance!

~~~~~~~~~
In other news -
i am very amazed after doctor appointments, at how much damage i've done to my body over the years with the binging and the purging.. i keep finding out things that are due to my abusing my body over time, and while it doesn't surprise me, i think i am amazed that i've probably known deep down the harm i might be doing to myself, yet i continued on..

To this day, everyday is a battle *not* to purge the food i've eaten.. i struggle more with that than my recovery for compulsive eating.. And after coming down a year long journey of helping myself, and not giving in to my urge to binge and purge - one would think it gets easier at some point - it doesn't... (or hasn't..) maybe never will..

So in knowing all of this, it helps me to start accepting that i've come this far.. a year is a hell of a journey and while it's not been a perfect journey (nothing ever is) i'm learning to accept my imperfections and embracing that i have done a lot of hard work this year.. i have a long way to go, and am understanding that i could be doing this work over and over again for the rest of my life..

But, i am getting the quality of my life back.. i am smiling, i am embracing people back into my life, i am helping and inspiring people, i am improving my health and mostly - i am accepting me and the skin i am in... So this journey has brought me many positives , despite how hard it's been.. It's been worth it..

So, 368 days of abstinence..*gulp* how about that?
i'm acknowledging - that's something right?