Were you adopted in a closed adoption?

[Jet]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

I get that completely and thank you for sharing what you have with us.

I am 46 and going through therapy as a trauma survivor and had never thought that the adoption stuff made any difference in my life. As I look into it, it explains so much about my anger inside. For me, my anger is not beating a dead horse.

For me, it is a good thing to process. I thought all my anger was from more recent trauma, but the trauma started before I was born.

I hope it will help with my anger and with my family phobia. Maybe my nightmares will stop, maybe I will feel whole.

We need to start another thread on trauma survival. I am a trauma survivor; sever trauma. I'm game if you are. Mine is/was in the form of severe PTSD except in this case the "S" stands for shock not stress.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by christie0918

It really IS all about the BBQ...

I don't want to give the impression that I had the Waltons kinda childhood... quite the opposite. One of those deadon examples of how things aren't always as they appear.

Momma was undiagnosed/unmedicated till I was about 16. She once was on her way down the hallway in between our (my younger brother and I's) room and hers with my father's favorite .38 in hand, going to "go ahead and kill them so they don't have to grow up in this world." It was fortunate that my father intercepted her.

She was chronically suicidal when my father was away for military crap. My oldest brother, his wife and children lived in the basement apartment of our home and Daddy felt safe leaving us. I remember no less than 5 times before my 12th birthday that Momma had swallowed a handful of pills and had to be forced to vomit by my brother.

Mental health issues weren't talked about... they were whispered about and heaven forbid if you sought treatment.

I know that she did the best she could given the "tools" she had. I know that her issues are chemical in nature (for the most part) and for the last 24 years or so, she had led a relatively "normal" life.

I can't tell you how robbed of a childhood I have felt. I can't describe the anger, hurt and abandonment issues I felt towards my father. My sister, when we are speaking (in those closer than other times) often laugh that a judge, two attorneys, the TN Baptist Children's Home and a couple social workers thought that I would be "better off" raised by my parents.

Then I look at the pictures of my folks when I was a baby. They were SO happy... so proud... and honestly, couldn't love me more than if I had been naturally theirs.

I tried therapy to deal with some of my issues regarding being adopted in my early 20's. I quickly came to the conclusion that I could spend years and thousands of dollars and still not be "whole."

I admire those willing to delve that deep with a professional to resolve the issues. I think that for me, I have chosen to acknowledge that they are there... and find "workarounds." Several years ago, I had a time of soulsearching, analyzing and "me work". I know that a lot of folks haven't yet had that... and maybe never will.

Maybe its like putting a band-aid on a spurting artery. Maybe its that "primal wound" that will never be healed.

For me, even "less than whole", I think that I'm pretty well functional. If my adoption issues continued to cause me distress in my daily life, I would be hunting them down and killing them.

I think in a lot of ways, I'm lucky that I've evolved into the person I am today.

Ahh yes, the TN Baptist Children's home, I have had dealings with them too.

I've worked on other stuff in therapy, but it never occurred to me that some of my issues come from the lies and secrecy around my adoption.

I am pretty successful too, but the past year have been really rough with the death of my adoptive father from who I was estranged. In dealing with that, I find he was not my only issue.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Ol' Jet

We need to start another thread on trauma survival. I am a trauma survivor; sever trauma. I'm game if you are. Mine is/was in the form of severe PTSD except in this case the "S" stands for shock not stress.

Start it and I will post! Ha, I've said all this here, why not!

[Rockinonahigh]

apocaliptic
yeah,those nightmares can and are hell.I have some that are so real its scary,most mornings I roll out of bed in a sweat heart raceing others I barely or dont remember at all,the ones I do remember are mostly about abuse,loss as well I some like im on the outside looking in on what like should have been..then theres one nearly like I describe just a bit diffrent,my therapist calls it a rescue dream.I hear the voice,feel the presence.smell the sents...just never see the face...really weired.
Gotta go for now,be back on later...yall take care.
Rockin

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Rockinonahigh

apocaliptic
yeah,those nightmares can and are hell.I have some that are so real its scary,most mornings I roll out of bed in a sweat heart raceing others I barely or dont remember at all,the ones I do remember are mostly about abuse,loss as well I some like im on the outside looking in on what like should have been..then theres one nearly like I describe just a bit diffrent,my therapist calls it a rescue dream.I hear the voice,feel the presence.smell the sents...just never see the face...really weired.
Gotta go for now,be back on later...yall take care.
Rockin

I wonder if it is a memory from before or right after you were born....

[Diva]

My heart goes out to those of You who have experienced trauma throughout all of this adoption process.....

I consider myself pretty fortunate, in spite of the fact that I have a lot of hindsight over the way my Mom's extended family treated me.

I have to laugh when I think on it......we see it all the time, don't we? Here's a whole field of sheep and then there's that cute black one over there (me) who is SOOOOOOO not like any of the others. I'm not sure how my parents dealt with how different I was! <giggle> All of the cousins were all quiet and plain and .......forgive me....BORING. And here is this child who lived with such happiness and would bound in a room and be so full of glee and say the first thing on her mind....and say it LOUDLY! (My joke has always been that my Dad's favorite word for me was "Shhhh!!!".)

Here lately, I have had to make the difficult decision to "divorce" myself from future contact with my bio 1/2~sister for her toxicity and passive~aggressiveness. Some of the things she has said to me ~ out loud and in writing ~ has been outrageous.

I just don't have time for crap like that.

This thread is SOOOOOO interesting...finding out just how many of us have experienced chosen families.....thanks, Jen, for starting it! It's a difficult topic sometimes.......and took a lot of courage to open up the discussions!

[Rockinonahigh]

apocaliptic
Before or after birth dreams...never thought about that.I do know im the oldest of twins,born ten sceonds after midnight (if that means anything,not to me but did to my grannie who was old world to the letter) premmie all of one pound 14oz.Grannie said I came hear holloering like a banshee,my twin didnt make it..or so they say cause I cant find out anything cause of closed records.My grannie told me I was a throw back to her younger days in the old country,said I would have made a good gypsy cause I had the heart and soul that her mother would love.

Diva I so get u on being the odd one in the family,then add queer to it,yep u got, it a barrel full of sh--.I was the first one to try about anything,go where I wanted,do what I could get a way with.I was born into a staunch italian catholic family where a girl child grew up to make more little catholics to be bidable and follow the rules.One cousin went into the priesthood,one of my widowed aunts became a nun.In truth my femele cousins were anything but saintly and the male couisins drunks,abusers and doper..all coverd up in a bright shiny package of reapectablity.Actually even with all I have gone threw I feel so blessed not to have ended up any worse that did.Heck all it took was for me to just grab bags and walk out of the mess,them get help while I rebuilt my life.
Rockin

[always2late]

Have you always known you were adopted?

Have you met your birth parents?

How did your adopted parents tell you you were adopted?


I have always known I was adopted, my parents told me as soon as I was old enough to understand what it meant. I don't remember them telling me, it seems like I have always known. I have not met my birth parents, my records are sealed. However, I did find out that in NY (where my adoption took place), one could petition the Department of Social Services for nonidentifying information. When I was pregnant with my son, I decided to try this option. What I was really looking for was any medical information they might have. That is one of my concerns with closed adoption. In this day and age of early screening and prevention for a multitude of health problems, I am at a disadvantage not knowing my medical history.

The information I received was not very helpful...but considering the age of my biological parents it was not surprising. After all, how many of us as teens think about our medical history? I did find out the ages of my bio parents, their heritage, height, weight, hair and eye color, but not much else.

[bigbutchmistie]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

I'm in therapy for a multitude of things, but the one thing that I have never thought about much in regard to my depression and trauma healing is my adoption.

I am reading and pondering and want to discuss closed adoptions from the point of view of the adoptee.

If you put a child up for closed adoption, or adopted someone that way, you may want to stay away from this thread. There will be things you don't want to hear. You are welcome, but know you have been warned. This thread is not here to make you feel better, but to work through some of the issues adoptees go through.

Now for a couple of questions to get us started:

Have you always known you were adopted?

Have you met your birth parents?

How did your adopted parents tell you you were adopted?

Thank you for your participation, I know this is a rough subject.

Jen

I always knew growing up I was adopted. My adopted parents told me from real young.

I was put on a bus when I was 18 with the clothes on my back with a bus ticket and told I was never welcomed in their home again (adopted parents) sent up here to Big D to meet my real parents.

And my adopted parents told me I was adopted by telling me that I would grow up fat and not wanted just like the trash that had me. Which my biological mom was not.

[christie]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Ahh yes, the TN Baptist Children's home, I have had dealings with them too.

I've worked on other stuff in therapy, but it never occurred to me that some of my issues come from the lies and secrecy around my adoption.

I am pretty successful too, but the past year have been really rough with the death of my adoptive father from who I was estranged. In dealing with that, I find he was not my only issue.

(insert great big gay hugs here)

I know you are pretty successful... You are an amazing woman and I'm glad you recognize what others around you know... you rawk.

Sometimes, things come forefront, at least for me, when I least expect them to... perhaps the timing of "now" for your adoption issues is more that you were in a place to be open to the idea that it "might be more"... sometimes (again, at least for me) its easier not to acknowledge something as to not breathe life into it. *shrugs* but then, whatdoiknow? LOL

I don't think it matters when you deal with them... at least you are moving forward... making that effort.

Its hard. It hurts. Its especially difficult for those of us with entrenched trust/openness issues to be that emotionally vulnerable. With our loved ones... with our partners... let's not even talk about with strangers.

For me, the resolution to some things is that there is no resolution. It just is.

I've got good listening ears if you ever need to talk.

Christie

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

I checked them both out.

Link one makes more sense to me than link 2 and has a lot of good info I found in the books I have been reading.

Link 2 talks in part about myths of adoption and how it is a myth that adoptees have problems often. I do not agree with that at all.

If there must be an adoption, I side for Open Adoptions where there are zero secrets.

I am not totally for open adoptions due to the fact they can be tested in court, I recall the story of an open adoption where a child was adopted out and then the real mom changed her mind and got the kid back.

But I am not fond of closed adoption either due to the records being sealed

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Logically we know we will die of old age, but every time I have a pain, I wonder if it is because of some disease I don't know about.



Did it change your life when she told you? Are you angry about any of it?

I agree I wonder if its a disease that I don't know about

[Jess]

Originally Posted by christie0918

(insert great big gay hugs here)

I know you are pretty successful... You are an amazing woman and I'm glad you recognize what others around you know... you rawk.

Sometimes, things come forefront, at least for me, when I least expect them to... perhaps the timing of "now" for your adoption issues is more that you were in a place to be open to the idea that it "might be more"... sometimes (again, at least for me) its easier not to acknowledge something as to not breathe life into it. *shrugs* but then, whatdoiknow? LOL

I don't think it matters when you deal with them... at least you are moving forward... making that effort.

Its hard. It hurts. Its especially difficult for those of us with entrenched trust/openness issues to be that emotionally vulnerable. With our loved ones... with our partners... let's not even talk about with strangers.

For me, the resolution to some things is that there is no resolution. It just is.

I've got good listening ears if you ever need to talk.

Christie

Not being an adoptee, I hope this is not seen as intrusive.

I do think sometimes the issues that our partners face or have faced need to be seen by us and appreciated. I have had two partners now who were adopted and it is amazing how very differently they have each dealt with the issues that come with it.

I also am a firm believer in the notion that the universe never gives us more than we can handle and that it works with divine timing. Meaning.. when the stuff surfaces, it is usually exactly when it needs to, as we have become ready to address it.

I am very grateful for this thread and will back out now to not distract. You all are incredible folks! The willingness to share is nothing but pure strength and grace. Thank you.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Diva

My heart goes out to those of You who have experienced trauma throughout all of this adoption process.....

I consider myself pretty fortunate, in spite of the fact that I have a lot of hindsight over the way my Mom's extended family treated me.

I have to laugh when I think on it......we see it all the time, don't we? Here's a whole field of sheep and then there's that cute black one over there (me) who is SOOOOOOO not like any of the others. I'm not sure how my parents dealt with how different I was! <giggle> All of the cousins were all quiet and plain and .......forgive me....BORING. And here is this child who lived with such happiness and would bound in a room and be so full of glee and say the first thing on her mind....and say it LOUDLY! (My joke has always been that my Dad's favorite word for me was "Shhhh!!!".)

Here lately, I have had to make the difficult decision to "divorce" myself from future contact with my bio 1/2~sister for her toxicity and passive~aggressiveness. Some of the things she has said to me ~ out loud and in writing ~ has been outrageous.

I just don't have time for crap like that.

This thread is SOOOOOO interesting...finding out just how many of us have experienced chosen families.....thanks, Jen, for starting it! It's a difficult topic sometimes.......and took a lot of courage to open up the discussions!

I was adopted by teeny people, I at 5'5" am as tall as most of my male cousins. My mother was 5'1" and grandmother was 4'11". I was a bull in a chinashop. Very awkward, very out of place. Very weird.

Still am around them.

You sound adorable as a kid! xoxoxoxoxo

Originally Posted by Rockinonahigh

apocaliptic
Before or after birth dreams...never thought about that.I do know im the oldest of twins,born ten sceonds after midnight (if that means anything,not to me but did to my grannie who was old world to the letter) premmie all of one pound 14oz.Grannie said I came hear holloering like a banshee,my twin didnt make it..or so they say cause I cant find out anything cause of closed records.My grannie told me I was a throw back to her younger days in the old country,said I would have made a good gypsy cause I had the heart and soul that her mother would love.

Diva I so get u on being the odd one in the family,then add queer to it,yep u got, it a barrel full of sh--.I was the first one to try about anything,go where I wanted,do what I could get a way with.I was born into a staunch italian catholic family where a girl child grew up to make more little catholics to be bidable and follow the rules.One cousin went into the priesthood,one of my widowed aunts became a nun.In truth my femele cousins were anything but saintly and the male couisins drunks,abusers and doper..all coverd up in a bright shiny package of reapectablity.Actually even with all I have gone threw I feel so blessed not to have ended up any worse that did.Heck all it took was for me to just grab bags and walk out of the mess,them get help while I rebuilt my life.
Rockin

Gosh, a twin too. No wonder you have bad dreams. Was the Grannie your aropted Grannie?

Originally Posted by always2late

Have you always known you were adopted?

Have you met your birth parents?

How did your adopted parents tell you you were adopted?


I have always known I was adopted, my parents told me as soon as I was old enough to understand what it meant. I don't remember them telling me, it seems like I have always known. I have not met my birth parents, my records are sealed. However, I did find out that in NY (where my adoption took place), one could petition the Department of Social Services for nonidentifying information. When I was pregnant with my son, I decided to try this option. What I was really looking for was any medical information they might have. That is one of my concerns with closed adoption. In this day and age of early screening and prevention for a multitude of health problems, I am at a disadvantage not knowing my medical history.

The information I received was not very helpful...but considering the age of my biological parents it was not surprising. After all, how many of us as teens think about our medical history? I did find out the ages of my bio parents, their heritage, height, weight, hair and eye color, but not much else.

So you know they were teens? I read that most birth parents who give up their kids are actually 19-30. Mine was 17.

Originally Posted by bigbutchmistie

I always knew growing up I was adopted. My adopted parents told me from real young.

I was put on a bus when I was 18 with the clothes on my back with a bus ticket and told I was never welcomed in their home again (adopted parents) sent up here to Big D to meet my real parents.

And my adopted parents told me I was adopted by telling me that I would grow up fat and not wanted just like the trash that had me. Which my biological mom was not.

Oh thats just great! I am so sorry they said that to you. How did you know where ot go? had you always known where your bio-parents were?

Originally Posted by christie0918

(insert great big gay hugs here)

I know you are pretty successful... You are an amazing woman and I'm glad you recognize what others around you know... you rawk.

Sometimes, things come forefront, at least for me, when I least expect them to... perhaps the timing of "now" for your adoption issues is more that you were in a place to be open to the idea that it "might be more"... sometimes (again, at least for me) its easier not to acknowledge something as to not breathe life into it. *shrugs* but then, whatdoiknow? LOL

I don't think it matters when you deal with them... at least you are moving forward... making that effort.

Its hard. It hurts. Its especially difficult for those of us with entrenched trust/openness issues to be that emotionally vulnerable. With our loved ones... with our partners... let's not even talk about with strangers.

For me, the resolution to some things is that there is no resolution. It just is.

I've got good listening ears if you ever need to talk.

Christie

Thank you sweetie!! xoxoxo

I may find that there is no answer, but I have several issues I somehow need to try to resolve. My family phobia if nothing else.

I want to feel comfortable at parties. I want to be excited to visit family (both mine and Cynthias). I want to stop being so easily overwhelmed. Stop scanning, stop overreacting, learn to relax.

Maybe it will help, and either way I get to meet new people and hear interesting stories and know that I am not alone in my feelings.

Its all good!

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Jess

Not being an adoptee, I hope this is not seen as intrusive.

I do think sometimes the issues that our partners face or have faced need to be seen by us and appreciated. I have had two partners now who were adopted and it is amazing how very differently they have each dealt with the issues that come with it.

I also am a firm believer in the notion that the universe never gives us more than we can handle and that it works with divine timing. Meaning.. when the stuff surfaces, it is usually exactly when it needs to, as we have become ready to address it.

I am very grateful for this thread and will back out now to not distract. You all are incredible folks! The willingness to share is nothing but pure strength and grace. Thank you.

Thanks for posting!

I think for those of us who have been abandoned in a huge way early on, having an understanding supportive partner is a wonderful and very important thing!

I like the idea of things surfacing when we are ready to handle them.

Again, thanks for posting and being so supportive!

[bigbutchmistie]

Yes they knew that's where I was sent ar 18 to meet with a bus ticket.

Some people should adopt and others should never be allowed to.

I know this sunject is hard for everyone hugs all around

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by bigbutchmistie

Yes they knew that's where I was sent ar 18 to meet with a bus ticket.

Some people should adopt and others should never be allowed to.

I know this sunject is hard for everyone hugs all around

You have to have a licence to fish, but anyone can have a baby.

Crazy isn't it?

[Diva]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

You have to have a licence to fish, but anyone can have a baby.

Crazy isn't it?

It is.

[bigbutchmistie]

Yep It Is crazy

[Rockinonahigh]

apocaliptic
my grannie was my bio grannie,she was from the old country Italy as she called it,her family heritage was a hodgepodeg of things.Mostly Italian,some spanish a bit from romainia.Grand pa was full scicilain,younger son who took his inheratence off to the new world(usa).The family rumor was that grannie had the gift and was some sort of seer,she read cards,had chryistels ect.She could almost anser many questions before I could ask them.No,she never would teach me anything no matter how hard I tryed to get her to,said it had no place in the up and comeing world I lived in.To bad cause I would love to know the things she did.
Rockin

[NotAnAverageGuy]

I agree some people shouldn't be allowed to adopt or have babies....


My real mother is one of those people, she was in essence a HO, I can say that cuz that's my birthmom. She has 7 other kids besides me, I was the only one given up for adoption, my only brother is in prison for murder and is a lifer, my sisters are addicts with children by different men (ala Jerry Springer and Maury show type).

I have been told there are 2 men who can possibly be my father but my mother lies so much I am not sure I can trust her but with her track record, I can kinda see how that could be possible.

I am either from Oilfield Trash or Cattle Rancher trash LOL, either one isn't bad, just wish I knew which one I was.