Vulnerability, Shame and Courage

[femmeInterrupted]

I'm posting two links of Brené Brown that are on TedTalks. I'm posting them under this new thread rather than the TedTalks or the PTSD threads because what I really want to explore and focus on, are the concepts and issues behind and surrounding Vulnerability, Shame and Courage, as they relate to trauma and healing, recovery and resiliency.

In her talk Brené defines courage as the ability "To tell the story of who you are with your whole heart" Commonly, it's simply defined as "strength in the face of pain or grief". In my opinion and experience, this is very true, because it takes courage to heal. It takes courage to be vulnerable and 'lean into the discomfort'. It takes courage to be authentic.

All of these things; the ability to be authentic (our authentic selves) the willingness to 'let ourselves be seen', to fully embrace rather than numb vulnerability, are all essential in developing genuine connections. Connections with friends, family, partners, therapists, you name it.

These connections are vital to our well being, creating the framework in which we build capacity, foster resiliency, and importantly, create lives where we feel worth of love and belonging.

In my experience being vulnerable, or seen as vulnerable brings along or creates issues of shame. It's seen by many as weakness. I would even say that vulnerability is deeply gendered also, as are the issues surrounding it.

I think the talks touches on elements that are very relevant for anyone out there struggling with the effects of trauma, PTSD, Vicarious Trauma, Secondary Trauma, Compassion Fatigue and Burnout.

Beautiful, moving work based on years of Dr Brown’s research.

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown...erability.html

and

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown..._to_shame.html

[Hollylane]

I listened to the first one, and I'm listening to the second one now. They're really fantastic, thank you for sharing them, and for starting this thread.

For me, sharing my vulnerability, and my partner/friend/family member feeling comfortable enough to share their vulnerability with me, are displays of strength.

I have been told many times, that my ability to cry, and my openness in expressing my emotions clearly, are signs of weakness. That it is my softer, more sensitive feminine side that makes me unable to contain my feelings or tears. I've even had people say that because I was sobbing, and asked for a few moments, before continuing a conversation while I was emotional, that I was being hysterical. This brings back memories of the days when slapping a woman to stop her from crying was acceptable.

Thankfully, I no longer buy into that type of thinking. Today, I know that my ability to be emotionally raw, to be honest about my feelings with not only myself, but others, is one of my greatest strengths. If I didn't possess these strengths, I don't think that I would have had all of the tools I needed to recover from sexual assault, sexual, physical, and emotional abuse, or cope with the amount of pain that I deal with, nearly every day, that is related to medical conditions. For me, my vulnerabilities are expressed in a number of ways, including both tears and humor (sometimes both at the same time), and being able to have an open and honest conversation (while remaining open minded), despite how uncomfortable the topic is. I also feel that my ability to feel vulnerable makes me more empathetic to others, and at times, drives me to reach out to others that are in pain.

At work, they call me The Bleeding Heart Rep, because I frequently openly empathize with my customers, and share personal struggles with them when I feel it is appropriate. Sometimes some of my customers are so shocked that someone is truly listening to them and expressing empathy, that they become vulnerable themselves, and dissolve into tears (which, of course, makes me cry too). Every time I get a new supervisor at work, they try to change this about me, and tell me that I need to practice being detached. No thanks, I like not being an unfeeling robot.

It pains me, when I witness someone that I love, or sometimes even strangers, who bottle their emotions, and are unable to express themselves other than through anger, defense, or denial, and feel shame if they are not able to maintain their defensive wall. They tell themselves that their ability to disconnect, hold back, and disassociate from their emotions, means that they are emotionally stronger.

[~ocean]

I always feel the most vulnerable when I have a broken heart ~ the shame comes with the hurt of rejection ~ the courage is when I realize my own self worth ~ ** takes a deep breath ** this statemnet is bringing me to tears ~

[stepfordfemme]

Brene's books are an asset to anyone who struggles with shame, perfectionism and vulnerability.

Her work has literally changed my life and how I view my feelings.

I want to write a more thought filled response to this thread when I have time. Thanks for starting it!

<3 <3

[femmeInterrupted]

Originally Posted by Hollylane

I have been told many times, that my ability to cry, and my openness in expressing my emotions clearly, are signs of weakness. That it is my softer, more sensitive feminine side that makes me unable to contain my feelings or tears. I've even had people say that because I was sobbing, and asked for a few moments, before continuing a conversation while I was emotional, that I was being hysterical. This brings back memories of the days when slapping a woman to stop her from crying was acceptable.


It pains me, when I witness someone that I love, or sometimes even strangers, who bottle their emotions, and are unable to express themselves other than through anger, defense, or denial, and feel shame if they are not able to maintain their defensive wall. They tell themselves that their ability to disconnect, hold back, and disassociate from their emotions, means that they are emotionally stronger.

Thanks so much for this great post. What you say about gender/femininity and being able to 'contain' your emotions ( like, who came up with that goal? the same people who advised women to 'lay back and think of England???) and the slapping of women's face for/and 'being hysterical'
( Even that word gets on my *last* gay nerve...)
Hyster : Greek for womb-- therefore Hysteria is 'a dis/ease of the womb" = Female behaviours. Again, relating emotions/reactions/trauma responses/grief as deeply gendered.

And yes, I also agree whole heartedly (but not with my uterus) that the ability to show and share emotion rather than stuffing it down, numbing it out, require a strength and grace that, for me, dwells in the realm of true character.
I often think how much time we need to spend "unlearning" so much of the damaging things we've learnt in our lives.

One of the best things I've done as a mother has been to encourage my son to embrace his emotionality, and share it, and absolutely NOT see tears as anything other than what they are: a natural response to pain ( or joy for that matter). Any kind of pain, mental, physical, emotional, etc) We cry because it's what we are supposed to do, it's that ongoing process of healing and recovery.

[StrongButch]

I watched these TY for posting.

[femmeInterrupted]

A friend of mine recently posted something on her Facebook that was akin to this:

" I'm really stepping out of my comfort zone here..but could I ask folks to take a few seconds (minutes?) more and write me a message, email, text, or letter, telling me about a favourite memory of us or why our relationship is important to you, pls? It can even be anonymous! I could really use the love and attention this year. Here's to courage and asking for what we really need!"

My immediate reactions were:
1) She's a f*cking superstar!
2) Wow! That's brave!
3) I'm so lucky to know such an awesome person!

Having just recently been thinking about the issues of courage and vulnerability, her post felt like such a synchronis moment for me. My awe and wonderful marvelling came from her bravery in putting herself out there, for showing herself in such a vulnerable and authentic way, and having the courage to ask for what she was needing.

(i sent her a snail mail card with a photo of one us from one of my best memories of us together-- i love getting fun mail that are not bills or taxation forms! i hope she does too!)

Being vulnerable is a challenge for me.

I remember a few years ago, I was facilitating an event in community on a First Nation here in Ontario. It was a Sisters In Spirit event. One woman, from another First Nation came to be a part of ceremony and the vigil. (SIS is a movement/event that was created to honour the missing and murdered first nations women in Canada.)

That woman came in black face. (Her entire face was painted in black paint)
There were a few woman who painted their faces.

In the Anishinaabe tradition people also expressed times of bereavement through the practice of Mkadengwe which translates to Black Face. This tradition involved painting one’s face with black ash or paint to signify one’s state of being. In reading the person’s face members of the community were better able to affirm the mourner’s feelings and accommodate their needs when required.

I remember thinking to myself how wonderful that would be, because it literally lets members of the community/family/friends know that you are hurting, and have support and validation with your grief.

In today's north american culture, grief and tears are often met with uncomfortable shifting and silence, or attempts to pacify the person struggling. 'Don't cry-- Everything is O.K." etc. All this really does, is interrupt the grief process.

So here's to courage, and asking for what we need.
Here's to the courage, to do the work in figuring out what we really need!

[TheMerryFairy]

I always feel most vulnerable when I am at the point of desperation. Craving change - a change of scenery, pace or just needing something more- whether it's my freedom to escape a situation or just remembering to ebrace who I am in full confidence it can be emotionally exhausting and overwhelming.

I think the worst part for me is the feeling of guilt? Or embarrassment of coming to terms with some of the things I might have to do to feel in control of that particular situation completely.

It takes courage to express it, to sit with those thoughts and find comfort somewhere in all of that chaos and to allow yourself to share those feelings with somebody else.

It feels so nice to have the support of community and friends.

[JustBeingMe]

Vulnerability for me is when I show my emotions to the world and those around me. I often cry when I am emotionally overwhelmed and because I am butch, I am often thought of as less than a butch for doing so.
My deepest vulnerability is allowing my heart to open and show love that just ooozes out via my eyes, my hands, my touch, etc. When this happens, I have to feel like I am "safe" doing so with that person and I often tell them it's a part of who I am and how deeply I love ....with my all. The shame comes in when ridiculed for showing such deep emotions, and told I am being h. hysterical or over reacting, or over emotional. Makes me shut down and wanna just crawl back into my shell. See, I am already a shy person afraid of rejection, and it takes everything inside of me to hang onto knowing that it's ok to be ME, to react in the manner that I do, to show my raw emotions. What hurts is when no one understands it, not even the person that I love because they aren't that way. They are more reserved with their feelings. When those things I've mentioned above are said to me, it makes me feel like I am "not normal" or something is wrong with me and I feel like my butchness is being attacked for being the way I am. I've had to discuss this with a therapist in the past year because I did an inner inventory of myself and such things about me and had to ask a professional if it was really ok to feel like I feel about things I am passionate about. She said that I am a rare individual that can so openly show their emotions and always be so raw with them. That not everyone can or is able to do that.
Makes me wonder sometimes if there is anyone else out there in the world that is like me. Makes me wonder sometimes if I will ever have a love that understands me like I am and accepts me the way I am and won't want me to change. When I was a child, the man that raised me abused me physically and I was never allowed to cry. I am amazed at the fact that I turned out the way I have.Thanks to the therapists that helped me open up and learn to cry.
Thanks for letting me share. This is an interesting thread and I hope more come in and share here.

PS. I am one of those individuals that listen to music lyrics and get it deep inside my soul, it's like hearing it with my soul, it speaks to me very deeply and meaningfully.

[Jesse]

Brene' Brown is a wonderful speaker. I watched both of these a few months ago and passed the link on to several friends at the time. Good stuff!

[JustBeingMe]

yes, I watched bothed video's and she's great. Good stuff to know.

[femmeInterrupted]

[Gemme]

Excellent talks. I like the way Brené presents her work.

For me, being vulnerable is akin to tearing open an open or half-healed wound with my own (figurative) hands, handing the person(s) I'm being vulnerable with/in front of a salt shaker and asking them not to use it.

If the person(s) chose(s) to use the salt, that's ultimately on them but the force and repercussions (shame/fear/etc) come back to me, settle in the wound(s) and the scab forms on the wound(s) thicker next time.

I agree with her, that if one generation of children were taught they were worthy....all of them, from the very beginning and every day thereafter....all of the major issues in this world could be solved.