Building a Culture of Empathy

[Nomad]

Originally Posted by mariamma

I do irritate people with my blanket statements. Here is some of the science behind what I say.
Your adrenals make about 50 hormones, some being stress hormones, water balance and mineral balance hormones, the gender inducing hormones, etc http://www.safemenopausesolutions.co...fficiency.html
If you feel like a woman, you will have more estrogen than testosterone and vice verse. If you feel like you are both male and female, you probably have high amounts of both hormones.
http://www.twinspirittribe.com/page/page/4580470.htm
If you are schizophrenic, you have too much dopamine. You can have temp. schizophrenia with meth use or a parasitic infection
http://blog.neura.edu.au/2012/08/07/...mmatory-topic/
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases...0311085151.htm
If you are empathic, you are skilled at using oxytocin.
Mirror Neurons - YouTube
mirror neurons part 2 - YouTube
Serotonin engenders well-being and happiness.
http://raypeat.com/articles/articles/serotonin.shtml
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/1...?dopt=Abstract
I can do a better job with explaining myself. I've just hear so much about this stuff on the radio that I assume everyone knows by now. There's a new study coming out every week on anxiety and GABA or ACTH, vasopressin and anxiety, etc., etc.
If you saw the previous links, they talk about oxytocin and empathy. Oxytocin also engenders bonding, trust, is a primary hormone involved with love, it is what you 'break' when you break a horse (as opposed to the more modern technique of gentle breaking). You break the horse's trust and get the horse to bond with the trainer (instead of dame or the herd). Dogs also have high oxytocin which is why dogs and horses are therapy animals. They help ADHD and autistic kids read and connect to others better.
I hope this answers anyone's questions. I know it's easier to believe I am a deluded crazy person. My lack of patience doesn't help. But there is a reason why I say and write about what I write about. I'm not pulling dreams out of thin air.

i dont think you're a deluded crazy person or pulling dreams outta the air, thin or not. i just grind my teeth at the idea that chemistry rules our lives. i believe 100% in the power of neurotransmitters. i'm not an idiot. i just cant get behind the whole if you have too much or not enough of xyz hormone you'll do this or be that. i think it's exactly the opposite: our lives rule our chemistry.

neurotransmitters are part of the human recipe. existential memory (experience, culture, self-talk, etc) is the other part. mix the two and people are capable of almost anything to a lesser or greater degree. add in a support system, trial and error experimentation, determination, passion and paradigm shift and the end result is a person who encourages certain behaviors in their neurotransmitters not neurotransmitters that encourage certain behaviors in a person. people become accustomed to the circumstances they create in themselves.

we feed what we need.

[Licious]

Mariamma,

My hat is off to you *okay my hair clip* for such an amazing thread topic!

Subscribing.

[Nomad]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

This ..

I believe that if how we raise our sons changed then we'd have a bit of a less violent world. Teaching our male children differently to what they are being taught now would hopefully eliminate the hate culture towatds woman.

How we treat our young when they are in our care could change the balance.

agreed. and how we raise our daughters will contribute to the same balance change. a person with healthy boundaries and an understanding of their personal responsibility and authority has no need to bend others or allow others to bend them unnecessarily. a few generations of children who refused to consent to institutionalized hatred would be a powerful force, and an irrefutably brilliant one.

[Toughy]

I think understanding and practicing non-violent communication would go a long way towards creating an atmosphere of empathy.

Several years back, a group of us studied non-violent communication by using a book and workbook. It was eye opening for me and really helped me understand why and how I was thinking and communicating those thoughts. It is really useful in interpersonal relationships of all kinds.

The book/workbook came from this site: https://www.cnvc.org/ It's the Center for Non Violent Communication.

I need a refresher for sure.........lol

If you want to change your brain chemistry then you have to create new neural pathways to replace the old ones. That can be done many ways, but I think communication is a part of doing that. A change of attitude will also help. You want to encourage your brain to create happy chemicals rather than unhappy chemicals. You can control what you think and how you express it...it takes practice and time. And we should never forget the importance of exercise.

laughin.......damn I wish I was better at it...........

[Licious]

Originally Posted by Toughy

The book/workbook came from this site: https://www.cnvc.org/ It's the Center for Non Violent Communication.

I need a refresher for sure.........lol

...

I appreciate all the links posted earlier regarding hormones and am checking them all out. Great information.

Communication and words are powerful tools as well for creating empathy.

I studied with Marshall Rosenberg when he started up in the 80s, and lived here in Santa Barbara. *Founder of CNVC system of communication*

The communication method was an eye-opener.

We don't always realize how our own words, how we form sentences, and how we speak to others affects our own perception. Well, let me speak for myself, I didn't always realize.

Speaking in an empathetic way, non-attacking way, is good for fostering empathy.

I am not sure how communication styles alter brain chemistry or hormones, but plan to look into that.

And I need a refresher course as well. Tools get rusty if not employed.

Thanks for the reminder, I appreciate it.

[mariamma]

Originally Posted by Licious

Mariamma,

My hat is off to you *okay my hair clip* for such an amazing thread topic!

Subscribing.

*curtseys* Thank you my sister from another mister

[mariamma]

Originally Posted by Nomad

i dont think you're a deluded crazy person or pulling dreams outta the air, thin or not. i just grind my teeth at the idea that chemistry rules our lives. i believe 100% in the power of neurotransmitters. i'm not an idiot. i just cant get behind the whole if you have too much or not enough of xyz hormone you'll do this or be that. i think it's exactly the opposite: our lives rule our chemistry.

neurotransmitters are part of the human recipe. existential memory (experience, culture, self-talk, etc) is the other part. mix the two and people are capable of almost anything to a lesser or greater degree. add in a support system, trial and error experimentation, determination, passion and paradigm shift and the end result is a person who encourages certain behaviors in their neurotransmitters not neurotransmitters that encourage certain behaviors in a person. people become accustomed to the circumstances they create in themselves.

we feed what we need.

I hear what you're saying. You explain the difference between having an emotion and DEALING WITH an emotion or directing the energy. Let me ask, how much support do we get when we change the course of our lives? When we change the direction hormones and neurotransmitters? Men get very little support. It is possible and many people practice redirecting emotions. It's just not generally supported but accepted, especially when it lowers emotional energy or re-focuses it on others in a beneficial way.
When we have a stress response (or any other hormonal response) it usually lasts 90 seconds. But the 'feelings' will last....longer....2 hours, 2 days, however long we experience that emotion.
Vasopressin is a hormone involved with love. When you see someone you love and have that swooning feeling...that's vasopressin in action. That 'swoon' lasts 10 seconds, 30 seconds, however long but the love continues. It goes thru peaks and troughs. It continues on BECAUSE WE PUSH THE EMOTION THAT WAY. When love fails, it probably is because we did not continue the emotion or we had become unbalanced. Dopamine runs love in the brain. Taking an SSRI (serotonin) can make STAYING in love difficult.
I believe we are saying the same thing. If one looses control of self, it probably will involve dopamine. It doesn't mean if one has X amount of dopamine, one will lose control of self. It just makes it very difficult. Not everyone is strong of will.

[WickedFemme]

I'm a real believer in the theory that thoughts illicit emotions and have done a lot of work within around that particular theory. I guess I just don't want to be in more control of my life and therefore Rational Emotive Therapy (I believe it was Albert Ellis) seems to work for me. Although, I believe that some people are incapable of controlling their behaviors based upon their emotional reactions to certain events due to some underlying mental health issues (especially Asix II diagnosis), I believe that most of us can control our emotions and that they are within our control under normal circumstances. Whatever normal is.... I would say that traumatic events can lead us to behave in ways we wouldn't normally behave. However, for me to come from a purely emotional state is not the answer. I have learned that even under great duress with my training that I can respond to situations with a certain amount of rationality.

I have a ton of empathy for others - it's my job, it's what I do for a living. I teach people how to rationally think before reacting to situations. Of course, I'm no expert and I am human and I certainly do have my moments. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't believe in the theory that chemical releases within the brain chemistry are the cause of certain emotions. I do think that those emotions can be controlled as to not cause undue distress.

[WickedFemme]

and therefore, I believe that 'empathy' can be taught to people who are not psychopaths.

[Novelafemme]

Originally Posted by Licious

I appreciate all the links posted earlier regarding hormones and am checking them all out. Great information.

Communication and words are powerful tools as well for creating empathy.

I studied with Marshall Rosenberg when he started up in the 80s, and lived here in Santa Barbara. *Founder of CNVC system of communication*

The communication method was an eye-opener.

We don't always realize how our own words, how we form sentences, and how we speak to others affects our own perception. Well, let me speak for myself, I didn't always realize.

Speaking in an empathetic way, non-attacking way, is good for fostering empathy.

I am not sure how communication styles alter brain chemistry or hormones, but plan to look into that.

And I need a refresher course as well. Tools get rusty if not employed.

Thanks for the reminder, I appreciate it.

Thank you for the above in particular, Licious!

[Novelafemme]

Originally Posted by nycfembbw

On a micro level, how do we build a culture of empathy here on BFP?

One thought I have is that it is important when we post that we think that any member could be reading the post and how will they feel after reading it if they are, for example,

400 pounds
Chinese
Muslim
homeless
elderly
a parent of a differently abled child

etc. etc.

In other words, I think it's important to have empathy for every single member of our site by not assuming that everyone is like us and showing sensitivity towards readers we don't know anything about every time we post. This goes for posting a joke, a rant, or making a statement to all (i.e. considering whether it really fits "all").

AMEN!!!!!!

[mariamma]

The first line in the mission statement invokes the principals of serotonergic search for well-being and connection to the Great Spirit/Source. A deeply spiritual practice based on Buddhist/Shamanic/Taoist traditions. Thank you for sharing my sis Licious.
Of course one cannot have empathy without well-being and happiness and a world that supports well-being and happiness. You can work empathy with grace and skill but if you live in South Sudan or Syria right now, it won't be your reality.

[aishah]

Of course one cannot have empathy without well-being and happiness and a world that supports well-being and happiness. You can work empathy with grace and skill but if you live in South Sudan or Syria right now, it won't be your reality.

i disagree. i grew up in a situation where most people did not have well-being and happiness (by american standards - well below the poverty line, very little access to resources and a lot of violence) and there was still empathy. people took care of each other, understood each other, and looked out for each other much better than they did when i lived in places where there was a higher rate of well-being and happiness. i certainly don't feel empathy as often in my relationships where i live now, where most people have much more money and time. it's been my experience, and i've read some things, about how communities tend to come together and support each other more through poverty and conflict. i can't dig up any specific articles right now b/c i'm on my way to the doctor, but i'll try to post some later. i think victor frankl may have written about this a bit in man's search for meaning.

[*Anya*]

I read somewhere that for children to learn empathy, parents need to model it but also to teach it.

Encouraging your children to put themselves in another's shoes, to imagine how they would feel if something happened to them in the same way.

Conversely, I grew up in an emotionally and physically abusive home but always could put myself in the shoes of another and have no idea how that happened. My parents never taught it or modeled it.

Perhaps some are born more sensitive and empathetic.

Another variation on the nature vs. nurture conundrum?

[Nomad]

Originally Posted by aishah

i disagree. i grew up in a situation where most people did not have well-being and happiness (by american standards - well below the poverty line, very little access to resources and a lot of violence) and there was still empathy. people took care of each other, understood each other, and looked out for each other much better than they did when i lived in places where there was a higher rate of well-being and happiness. i certainly don't feel empathy as often in my relationships where i live now, where most people have much more money and time. it's been my experience, and i've read some things, about how communities tend to come together and support each other more through poverty and conflict. i can't dig up any specific articles right now b/c i'm on my way to the doctor, but i'll try to post some later. i think victor frankl may have written about this a bit in man's search for meaning.

[nycfem]

Did you have anyone with whom you had meaningful contact while young (a teacher, a neighbor, a relative, a sitter, etc.) that may have fostered empathy in you? I have read that can be a saving grace for kids in homes where empathy is not there to be learned. My own mom was abused and dissociative/fractured, while my dad was abusive. I did have a sitter who made a huge difference to me. Now she is my mom's best friend (After my dad left my mom, unfortunately this was when I had already grown up, my mom became so much more stabilized.).

Originally Posted by *Anya*

I read somewhere that for children to learn empathy, parents need to model it but also to teach it.

Encouraging your children to put themselves in another's shoes, to imagine how they would feel if something happened to them in the same way.

Conversely, I grew up in an emotionally and physically abusive home but always could put myself in the shoes of another and have no idea how that happened. My parents never taught it or modeled it.

Perhaps some are born more sensitive and empathetic.

Another variation on the nature vs. nurture conundrum?

[NorCalStud]

The idea that if we were to all express the emotions we feel at the time we feel them or as soon as we can at least acknowledge them...That we are ready and clear to feel empathy and create empathetic environments. We are born cooperative. We get hurt. We are not always supported to deal with pain. We walk through life with this pain. I think as we clear our own trauma; we become available.

[*Anya*]

Originally Posted by nycfembbw

Did you have anyone with whom you had meaningful contact while young (a teacher, a neighbor, a relative, a sitter, etc.) that may have fostered empathy in you? I have read that can be a saving grace for kids in homes where empathy is not there to be learned. My own mom was abused and dissociative/fractured, while my dad was abusive. I did have a sitter who made a huge difference to me. Now she is my mom's best friend (After my dad left my mom, unfortunately this was when I had already grown up, my mom became so much more stabilized.).

I believe it had to have been my maternal grandmother. Until I was 10 I did spend a lot of time with her on the weekends. She was loving and caring to me.

My mon would have been different had my grandmother raised her but she was thrown out of her orthodox Jewish family for getting pregnant with my mom out-of-wedlock as they called it and her father was a rabbi. She boarded my mom with a very strict, abusive family and my mom was the scapegoat of the other foster kids.

So yes, I guess I learned empathy from my grandmother.

Thanks Nannie. She died at age 95. I still miss her.

[Metro]

Originally Posted by NCS

The idea that if we were to all express the emotions we feel at the time we feel them or as soon as we can at least acknowledge them...That we are ready and clear to feel empathy and create empathetic environments. We are born cooperative. We get hurt. We are not always supported to deal with pain. We walk through life with this pain. I think as we clear our own trauma; we become available.

NCS -- This is an interesting concept, and may I go out on a limb and guess that you pose it as an ideal?

It is my own experience that each individual processes feelings in their own unique way. For some there is a need or inclination to talk through emotions with another person as a way to come to their own understanding. Others have a need to process emotions in their own head first before expressing or speaking about their emotions (and a spectrum of communication styles in between).

As you say, people get hurt. For some this may influence their communication style and ability to process and communicate their feelings in the moment.

Well, that's my experience anyway.

[mariamma]

Originally Posted by aishah

i disagree. i grew up in a situation where most people did not have well-being and happiness (by american standards - well below the poverty line, very little access to resources and a lot of violence) and there was still empathy. people took care of each other, understood each other, and looked out for each other much better than they did when i lived in places where there was a higher rate of well-being and happiness. i certainly don't feel empathy as often in my relationships where i live now, where most people have much more money and time. it's been my experience, and i've read some things, about how communities tend to come together and support each other more through poverty and conflict. i can't dig up any specific articles right now b/c i'm on my way to the doctor, but i'll try to post some later. i think victor frankl may have written about this a bit in man's search for meaning.

Thank you for sharing your experience Aishah. I think there are differences between I mean by well-being and happiness and what you are referring to.

YOU ARE RIGHT in that people in poverty share more than people who have abundant wealth. People in poverty share more percentage-wise than their 'richer' fellow American. People who SEE poverty, who live around poverty (for example in a gentrified area) share more than people in insulated communities but less (percentage-wise) than people who live in poverty.

This is probably the evolutionary benefit of empathy and oxytocin. By sharing what we have, we all enjoy together or suffer together. Another evolutionary benefit of empathy and oxytocin is sharing ideas, team building and a probably synergistic effect of 'better outcomes thru working together than working alone'.

When I refer to "well-being" and "Happiness" I am referring to the action of serotonin and something more akin to...a Buddhist's sense of well-being. In the moment, not wanting (dopamine = I want/crave) being at peace and at One.

I did state things in a way that it could seem that I believed there is no empathy in South Sudan or Syria. There is ALWAYS a significant minority that does the opposite of what the general population does. Left-handed people, LGBTIQ people are a few readily seen. There were Catholics who hid and supported Jews in Nazi Germany. There are always those who see 'what is right' and will act accordingly. They are the exception and not the rule.

And it's also my experience that people will act 1 way in public (like they are happy and at peace) yet it's an act. I am empathic and can feel the untruth of their feeling. It's disturbing and is why I actively do energy work. I'm tired of seeing and feeling people who act one way and emote another and the schizophrenic sensation it induces in said person. And then they wonder why they are unhappy or have no love in their lives. I tend to get many who 'confess' to me. They often will say things like "I practice random acts of kindness but I don't feel any happier". When I say "Acting happy and being happy are 2 different things" they often don't get it.

But this is the America we live in now. Truth is ignored because it's too inconvenient and honesty is seen as 'saving face'.