Dating other femmes exes: what do you think?

[Rockinonahigh]

I'm going to put my $.02 worth in hear.Several years ago I dated someone I met on line who lives only an hour from me,we got along great for quite a while,untill I found out quite by accident she had had a long realtionship with a butch buddy of mine ten years or so back.At first it was a huge blow up from my now x friend(not over this) as I got handed all the crap that ended theire relationship,wich was a lot of old dry crap that both were responsable for.L (not hear) had long moved on from this but B (not hear) was still chewing the bone even tho she was in a fine relationship at the moment.It was totaly by accident that B saw us together at a drag show at the local hang out..B grabed me by the collor then proceded to drag me into the bathroom to give me the low down.I simply told her to let it go its been ten years and why are you still bellowing like a stuck cow about something long past.He couldnt even anser me on that question.I mean how long dose it take for people to let go of a suposedly past broken relationship?This is something I find a lot in dateing or meeting someone that they cant let go of whats done and over...I refuse to have a gost of past relationships in my current relationship,no mater how hard anyone trys u cant live up to the past.U can bet the other person has moved on a long time ago..I cant figure it out.It makes me feel like im not good enough,I try to understand but finaly I quit chaseing what is unaccesable.

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by gaea

although it is the femme zone yes, personally i see nothing wrong with those of the butch persuasion responding here.

With all due respect, I do. Anya asked this of her femme sisters specifically. I like the idea that we have the option to request to have conversations with only "like Ids". That is the sole reason I have not responded in this thread. THIS is am responding to because it is important to me this preference remains an option on this site

[The_Lady_Snow]

Rockin you're a better person than I, let some mother fucker grab me by the collar cause they think in their mind they still have rights to their EX head. That's down right insane right there!

I see this a lot in hetero break ups

[easygoingfemme]

I think it totally depends on the circumstances.

I have some ex's who it totally wouldn't bother me if a friend dated. I'd be psyched if they made each other happy.

I have others who I would be totally crushed about should that happen.
I'd expect a friend to ask me before making any move in that direction.

As far as me dating a friends ex it would depend on all the same points. I'd generally go with the side of no way. However, if it was a casual short relationship and in well into the past I might ask her how she'd feel about it.

[*Anya*]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

Rockin you're a better person than I, let some mother fucker grab me by the collar cause they think in their mind they still have rights to their EX head. That's down right insane right there!

I see this a lot in hetero break ups

I agree with this. Someone having a fresh break-up of a month or two is quite different than a 10-year break-up! Not to mention the battery of grabbing!

That is a call to !

[gaea]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

I have a friend- not on this site-that had a recent experience that got me thinking about this topic. I could not find an existing thread about it.

Her ex-girlfriend and my friend ran in the same real life circle as another woman that they both knew. They were not friends but did know each other to say hi and to chat about superficial things and happened to frequently attend the same activities and parties.

My friend and her girlfriend broke up after a one-year relationship. My friend started going out again a couple of months after the break-up and the woman that she knew and her ex blatantly flirted in front of her at a party. My friend was truly crushed.

I honestly did not know what to say to her (other than to empathize with her feelings) as it would never have been something that I personally would have done. I avoid a friend's (even an acquaintance's) ex out of respect for, lack of a better phrase: femme sisterhood. It just does not feel right to me personally.

What do you feel about this? Is it OK because the couple were broken up? Is there a respectable amount of time that should pass before you, as a femme, flirt with or date a friend's ex in front of another femme sister-even if not you are not close friends?

Does it matter?

Is it different online vs. real life?

Your thoughts?

Perhaps In your question i may need some clarification, you say your friend and her former partner broke up and after a few months witnessed the ex "flirting" with someone she knew however wasn't necessarily friends with....hopefully I followed this correctly...

If the above is correct

Why does the femme code apply to the "person" your friend barely knew?

And why would your friend be upset that the ex is moving on is not your friend also moving on? Is not your friend also dating? If she is how is that different?

I will give you an in real life example of a situation between two people I know, the butch has dated several women in my community she was with my friend for a year it didn't work out, the butch immediately began dating however begrudge my friend who is femme the right to date didn't believe she should and what nots and then tried to pull the card that the ex should not date anyone she knows and in my little community that is basically impossible and that would render both my friend and her ex butch single as long as they remain in this community. I personally do not see this as a realistic situation.

[Rockinonahigh]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

Rockin you're a better person than I, let some mother fucker grab me by the collar cause they think in their mind they still have rights to their EX head. That's down right insane right there!

I see this a lot in hetero break ups

Thanks Snow,I really just wanted to slap the shit out of this person,but she is the spouse of one of my best friends wo wasnt there at the time as she was parking the car when this happened.I didnt say a thing cause I didnt want to put a wedge between my long time friend over her spitefull wife.Sometimes its hard to be the sane one in a crazy world.

[The_Lady_Snow]

I have an expectation that if we're hanging out, sharing meals, talking on the phone that you're (general) not gonna rub your cunt on my dates/boyfriend/partner/slaves/boy/girls leg when I get some cake.

Unless we've made arrangements for that kind of scenario (I tend to leave these kind of scenarios for people that aren't chosen/born family) then please respect my people. I say people because Little Duck is a young very handsome butch woman who's thigh is not a stripper pole.

Respect is key I believe.

[*Anya*]

The original issue was not forever. The issue was blatant flirting a month or two after a long-term relationship. I don't personally look at it as "begrudging".

My perspective is a little more sensitivity or "gentleness" as June called it towards someone that had not yet healed as the breakup was so fresh.

I asked for feedback and knew that there were going to be differing opinions.

Forever would be just plain dumb!

Originally Posted by gaea

Also id like to say .....as femme's

Who are we to begrudge an "ex" a possible connection and or "date" and or "flirting"

I would not want to be denied that ability Im sure as heck not going to deny anyone else that especially an "ex", people become exe's for various reasons and what not's, does that mean then that NEITHER one should ever date just because they may know someone who knows someone who knows someone else?

I guess Im just living in reality as well as a very small B/F community.

[QueenofSmirks]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

... I treat other femmes exactly as I would like to be treated ...

Right, and if some acquaintance that runs in my same circle, someone who I am not friends with, decides to date someone I used to date... good luck to her. Maybe they can make something work out, who knows.

I don't believe anyone owes me any special favors because we both happen to identify somewhere on the femme spectrum. I really don't understand that kind of thinking.

[gaea]

Originally Posted by QueenofSmirks

Right, and if some acquaintance that runs in my same circle, someone who I am not friends with, decides to date someone I used to date... good luck to her. Maybe they can make something work out, who knows.

I don't believe anyone owes me any special favors because we both happen to identify somewhere on the femme spectrum. I really don't understand that kind of thinking.

I agree with this

[girl_dee]

an acquaintance's ex or online acquaintance.. yes

a good friend - hell no

If you are a really good friend of mine then we have probably shared all of our hard stuff...we've talked and possibly cried.. we've been there for each other through ups and downs..

to me it's just too icky of a situation.

There are also the types of friends who don't turn out to be a real friend at all which is a whole 'nother thread...

[tantalizingfemme]

Hell, my ex back in 2002... I would have blessed any new love interest for her, after we broke up. Instead. I moved from Arizona to the east coast to get off her radar. And even then she still operated under the belief that distance would make the heart grow fonder. Oy....

[QueenofSmirks]

Originally Posted by tantalizingfemme

Hell, my ex back in 2002... I would have blessed any new love interest for her, after we broke up. Instead. I moved from Arizona to the east coast to get off her radar. And even then she still operated under the belief that distance would make the heart grow fonder. Oy....

Completely off topic and nothing to do with relationships... we switched places! I moved from the East Coast to Arizona


Back to the thread topic.... for the record, I am not dating your ex LOL

[Medusa]

In my mind, anyone who has ever been partnered to or lived with any of my girlfriends is completely and utterly off limits.

And that doesn't mean that my sistergirls aren't partnered to some amazing Butches and Transmen but my primary relationships are with my Femme girlfriends. (I'd say a good 90% of my closest friendships are with Femmes.) Those primary relationships are important to me and reside in a protected place in my heart and no amount of sexytime will change that.

[Beloved]

It depends on so many variables. How close you are with the friend, what kind of relationship is had with the ex, how much time has passed etc. In my late teens a friend of mine dated an ex of mine and I was really ok with it. I was kind of strange at first but I didn't want him...she could have him! They broke up but she is still one of my closest friends to this day.

I've never done it, though.

[Martina]

I only have one close femme friend, and she is a Top. So it is unlikely that she would date any of my exes. If she did, I'd like to see it. Just be a fly on the wall.

In general, I think that it's none of my business who my ex dates. Sometimes it's hard to hear about because -- and this is my sad shit -- a lot of times, my exes change after me and end up giving the new person stuff they withheld from me. One was a workaholic. It broke us up. The breakup and a minor health scare got her to re-evaluate, and the next person in her life had a different/better experience in most ways. That shit makes me sad. Sad about me. I certainly wish my exes and their new partners the best. But I don't want to witness their new relationships most of the time, and that's when a friend or acquaintance is not involved.

Casual friends dating exes -- I do not care. A close friend? Only if the relationship had been inconsequential or over for a number of years. If it happened short of that, it would be awkward. In terms of my dating a friend's ex, I guess I'd consider it if I were interested. I'd have to check out how much damage it would cause first. But I don't have any hard and fast rules.

[Words]

Under normal circumstances, I'd say that I would neither flirt nor otherwise go after a friend's ex because, up until meeting Blue, I'd met no one worth losing a night's sleep over, let alone a friendship.

But...and please bear in mind here that I'm not lucky enough to have any femme friends who live this side of the Atlantic, let alone locally...say I'd met Blue and he was the ex of an (imaginary) best femme friend of mine. Would I flirt with Hym in front of said (imaginary) best femme friend? No, no need to rub salt in the wound. But would I otherwise go after Hym? Absolutely. I'd probably feel shit about it, but selfish as it may seem, knowing what I do about Blue, there is nothing on earth that would stop me from trying to be with Hym.

Which makes me, I guess, judging by most of the responses here, a potentially crappy friend. Sorry

Words

[Angeltoes]

I would choose the heart of my established friend over the possibility of having something new with a stranger. Personally, I would be hurt if a friend just disregarded my feelings that way. If you're friends you should at least be able to talk about it beforehand and find out if it's an issue.

[Martina]

The thing is that most of the time, I imagine, the parties involved just wouldn't care. So why have a rule? And if, as in Word's case, you are confronted with THE relationship, then most bets are off.

I see no point in a rule. If the question is would I be hurt, probably not. If I were, should it make a difference to the new couple? Probably not. Why should my old pain discourage a potentially good relationship from forming?

I saw mention of something called a femme code. After nearly 30 years of being a femme, I learn there is a code. Who knew? I assume it means don't flirt with a friend's ex -- in this context.

The idea is offensive to me in some ways. The assumption is that femmes need a code, that without it we'd be poaching each other's partners or ex's, that there is a real risk of that kind of behavior without creating norms we have to enforce with our disapproval.

I have never run with large groups of butches and femmes, but I have known many over the years. And I would not characterize femmes this way.