Reactions to Embracing Your Femme(ness)

[Medusa]

Hey Fellow Femmes!

I have been reading the sweet stories in the Butch Reactions thread and thought it would be nice to talk about how we ourselves and the people around us reacted to us embracing our Femme(ness).

This can be either coming out as Femme or just embracing our hyper-Feminine (or differently-Femmed) way of being.

Would love to hear your stories!

[Novelafemme]

I love this and thought I'd share it here!

[princessbelle]

Well, let's see.

I sure did think i was a freak, being girly and being gay. Never saw a femme or rather, didn't know you could be femme and be gay. All the gay peeps i had ever seen were butch.

THEN i came online. THEN i found the dash site. What a wonderful thing to find out you are....

not alone
not a freak
some gay people were actually attracted to femmes.

Oh and yeah, found out i had an ID...femme.

How truly wonderful it is to be a part of so many beautiful and strong women.

Just ...lovely.

[Novelafemme]

I was in a meeting a few weeks ago (wait, what month is it again?? ) and somehow it came up that I am gay. No biggy, but after the meeting an older male co-worker came up to me with a very startled look on his face and started going on and on about how he had no idea I was gay...I looked like a librarian, I looked so wholesome, if he had to pick a gay woman out of a line-up he would never think it was me, blah,blah,blah.

I let him finish and managed to keep a polite look on my face (I think) and when he was done I said, "Well, now you know the horrible truth!"...and walked away. I think he was attempting to give me a backhanded compliment, but dude!!!!

[Novelafemme]

Originally Posted by princessbelle

Well, let's see.

I sure did think i was a freak, being girly and being gay. Never saw a femme or rather, didn't know you could be femme and be gay. All the gay peeps i had ever seen were butch.

THEN i came online. THEN i found the dash site. What a wonderful thing to find out you are....

not alone
not a freak
some gay people were actually attracted to femmes.

Oh and yeah, found out i had an ID...femme.

How truly wonderful it is to be a part of so many beautiful and strong women.

Just ...lovely.

AY-MEN and Hallelujah!!!

[Artdecogoddess]

Hello Folks -

I was at the Femme Conference this weekend in Baltimore - It made me miss the Planet MADLY! Can't wait for reunion.

That is all (for now)
xoxox
ADG

[mariamma]

Thank you Medusa for starting this thread and thank you Novelafemme for the great link. Love the image of a busty bevy of curvy femmes laughing, singing and tearing apart a pinata.
I came out in a gentle, accepting Nor Cali town that had 4 womyn's lands and a history of Back to the Land communities that started out with hippie hetero couples and women who then discovered they loved each other more than they loved their husbands. But no femmes.
My first GF was my one and only butch I've been with and I still ache for the sweet and tender way she looked at me and treated me. I am femme mostly because I love butch women so much, I love how they make me feel in body and soul.
I spent many years with men (by choice, I wanted black kids who knew and loved their father and being with men was the best way I could accomplish this) but when I saw a butch EMT lope towards me at work one day, the sight of her broke me of my habit of men. Why have serve a man hamburger when you can eat caviar off the bicep of a butch?
When I was single again, many men came forward to court me (I'm sure y'all know what I'm talking about). They were surprised when I said I was a lesbian, had been for years and that I was with men by choice. No man has said anything as narrow-minded as what the elder gentleman said to Novelafemme but they are puzzled. At one point I subscribed to the belief that wanting a butch woman and wanting a strapping butch woman was really wanting a man. But for me, men are a poor substitute for butch women. There's an emotional quality in butch women that I crave that men don't have. There is a huge difference between wanting a butch woman or even butch male ID person and wanting a bio-male. It's not about physical structures as much as it is about biology and energy.
The men who had come forward hoping to date me listened to my story and asked if it was because my ex broke my heart, or because I really didn't like men. I told them all the story of the butch EMT who broke me of my habit of men in full detail and they would often see the delight and change in my mannerisms and go 'Aha! She really, really likes butch women! I know she likes me as a friend but...she's lighting up at the thought of a woman's muscled arm, the golden hairs on her muscled arms and the twinkling of forearm muscles. I can't compete with that. She likes me as a friend but loves butch women'. They would 'get' what I meant. I wasn't rejecting the men by loving women. Usually once we get past that point, they realize it was never about men or how an individual male treated me. It was more about embracing the full beauty of a person and loving the beauty of butch women.

[Martina]

I am not hyper feminine (nor differently femmed). Just femme. I never was androgynous or alternative. Certainly not butch.

I ID'd as femme because I wanted to fuck and be fucked by butches and wanted to feel like a woman (not a gay boy) while I was getting it. That's honestly how it started.

Then it grew to be part of me. It made sense. It acknowledged the natural connection I felt with my mom and other women while allowing me to be the queer that I am. (I am so oblivious to guys that I have been accused of being a 6 on the Kinsey scale.) It made sense for me.

I also fuck femmes. I like femmes sexually. That is unusual in butch-femme. I do not fuck femmes who try to bring out the boy in me. If I don't feel like a woman in bed, it ain't gonna happen twice.

I like Femme Tops and hungry girl bottoms. Right now, I'd say my preference is for femmes, but that stuff shifts around.

I try not to talk about femme in terms of how I dress or do my hair although it's almost impossible to avoid. But I am femme. I feel my grace, and to a special few, I have communicated it.

[2qt]

Great topic..

For me it when I first began to date women, I never really understood what I was attracted to I just knew I was attracted to women....

My 1st date and relationship was with a femme woman it wasn't a very lasting relationship because something inside me felt odd, strange, a sense of it not fitting....

I shrugged it off as just 2 people with 2 different goals in life and left it at that...

A little along the track I met another woman I connected with who happened to be femme again and again the same road led to a short term relationship of confusion, it was at this point that I began to question myself and my sexuality all over again, it was like I put myself back into a closet and I was feeling suffocated....

I remember thinking perhaps my parents are right, this was just a phase in my life and I would meet a man and fall in love and so it was, I met a man I had the wedding the white picket fence and soon a beautiful baby girl but something was still missing and my marriage failed....

After this I took some much needed self discovery into who I was, what I liked, what attracted me....A friend of mine came over who asked me to join her at a butch/femme dance curious at what it all meant I decided to give it a try...

Which is where I met an amazing woman whom just so happened to be a butch woman...

For the first time every started to fit, all those pieces that was missing was found in one person, when she brought me flowers I never had the feeling of it being wrong, when she held me in her arms it never felt confusing it just felt like home...

So that's when I began to accept and understand that my identity was a femme woman, and I was very much attracted to butch women...

Naturally having this idea has sparked much fuel in my life with my friends and others believing that labels are fake or a waste of time in fact I even had one go as far to tell me I was racist to my own kind lol but in the end....

I do identify to a label because it's not about being a label it's about being comfortable with who I am inside, it's about knowing what I can feel for another without force being involved, loving another femme woman for me felt forced, it felt empty and had no meaning for me....

I love the dynamics of a butch/femme relationship....I love my shopping, I love my shoes, I love my dresses, I love who I am as a person (Yes crazy emotions and all) and I need the opposite to balance me and make me whole....

[Martina]

Originally Posted by 2qt

I love who I am as a person (Yes crazy emotions and all) and I need the opposite to balance me and make me whole....

I know some pretty hormonal butches if that's what you're saying.

[NJFemmie]

I just am femme. I am constantly changing, evolving, exploring and just being me. I don't explain myself to anyone, I don't make excuses for anything I do "out of femme norm". There are times when I am super girly, and times when I'm not. I've been with butches, femmes and everything in between. I've topped and bottomed and go with the flow. I follow my heart and do what makes me feel right inside. I don't allow much to define my femininity - that is apparent no matter what.

[2qt]

Originally Posted by Martina

I know some pretty hormonal butches if that's what you're saying.

No just meaning that I can often sometimes be over emotional or passionate on something I feel strongly about but it's just part of who I am as a whole and I love that about myself... I agree butches can be equally hormonal some just tend to express it differently to how I do, meaning I tend to be outspoken some butches I have been in a relationship with tend to close themselves up...

[The_Lady_Snow]

I identified as dyke till right around 2001, I'm not overly girly not even as a wee lil lass I honestly was androgynous till about the age of 16 then my mother began her weird Latina Catholic cultural binary enforcement of heels and all things fluffy, frilly and uncomfortable to wear the only thing I liked was make up and having a skin regimen. I was often more comfortable amongst more masculine folk and just did my thing. I never truly embraced Femme until right around the age of 30 and after stumbling onto the dash site I learned that my gender presentation is Femme and I soaked in, participated and grew to know Femmes who were like myself.

I t was very emotional for me personally because I wasn't sure where I fit in the gender spectrum and because I often allowed my masculinity to be shamed I allowed the confusion to almost second guess my growing into my gender.


I feel very blessed to have attended outings, conferences, partake in convos both in real time and online that helped me embrace Femme. It's was a great relief that my gender had nothing to do with heteronormative expectations, clothing, hair, nails, who I date and so on.

I'm not fully grown into my gender I'm still on my journey and I don't think that it'll stop until I'm no longer here.

[blush]

I didn't have a Femme Moment. I had the gay moment, but femme just seemed a natural extension of me. As I became more comfortable with myself, I got a shit ton more girly. By being more girly, I found my voice and confidence. It just kinda fed on itself.

For me, being femme had very little to do with whom I was attracted to. In fact, defining myself as femme because I was attracted to masculine energy always made me feel more invisible.

[girl_dee]

When i was taken to a gay bar by a gay co-worker.

We walked in and i saw all the flat tops over at the bar and said * i don't wanna stay here, there's nothing but guys here!*

she said *dee? them ain't guys*

WOOOHOOO!!!

[thedivahrrrself]

For me, I started glittering about age 16. My mother is not very girly. She jokes that if it didn't sparkle or you couldn't pet it, I wouldn't wear it.

I came out at 17, and she was confused. I didn't help that much by dating a guy trying to "make sure" I was gay. Someone, I'm sure it was a gay man, slapped the label "femme" on me. It fit, and I was convinced I was some kind rebel, defying stereotypes. And I didn't want to date a stereotype, no! I would like femme girls, I decided. Until I met a charming (I use that term loosely, I was 19.) butch with gorgeous eyes.

We slept together and the way we did it felt so natural. Since then, it's been only Butch women for me.

I hated it when lesbians asked if I was straight when I was clearly in the dyke bar. I hate it when people ask who I'm there to support at Pride. I hate the backhanded compliment of "you don't look like a lesbian". My first instinct says Who the fuck are you to tell me what a lesbian looks like? But I say, "you don't look like a straight dude."

I'm a femme. I glitter. I like attention. I don't like feeling invisible.

[cara]

I'm still learning and growing into my femme-ness. I love that as a community, we have gotten past the stereotyping bullshit that often happens when we hear the terms butch and femme. I am attracted to people not based on how they ID, but how our energy works together. Most I have dated look butch, but only a few have ID'd that way. I have also dated a few femmes.

Great topic. I'm curious to read more responses.

[cara]

I suppose I should talk about the original topic. for the most part, as a femme I feel wholly invisible in the LGBTQ community. I don't like some of the "priviledges" that come with being me. people assume I'm straight. I'm not out to everyone yet because I'm not completely comfortable in my own skin. i've been out to my parents, most friends, and a few acquaintances for years. At work and meeting new people is usually a different story. this year, I have put a rainbow pin on my backpack. at first, it made me really uneasy. now, I really like it because it saves me from perhaps yet another awkward conversation. aside from a little fear when I'm walking home alone at night, I like the subtle message I'm giving to the world: yeah, I'm queer, no I don't "look" like it, and please take a moment to re-examine your views of the world. for the most part, people are very supportive once they know.

[mariamma]

Originally Posted by cara

I suppose I should talk about the original topic. for the most part, as a femme I feel wholly invisible in the LGBTQ community. I don't like some of the "priviledges" that come with being me. people assume I'm straight. I'm not out to everyone yet because I'm not completely comfortable in my own skin. i've been out to my parents, most friends, and a few acquaintances for years. At work and meeting new people is usually a different story. this year, I have put a rainbow pin on my backpack. at first, it made me really uneasy. now, I really like it because it saves me from perhaps yet another awkward conversation. aside from a little fear when I'm walking home alone at night, I like the subtle message I'm giving to the world: yeah, I'm queer, no I don't "look" like it, and please take a moment to re-examine your views of the world. for the most part, people are very supportive once they know.

I understand. I wore a pink triangle everywhere in college. I once had a (suspected lesbian) ask me what it meant, confused on why a straight-looking woman who always wore skirts would wear a pink triangle. And I wore a button that said "Vagatarian" as well as many political buttons on my coat. I still feel like I have to scream "I'm a dyke" at times in order to be taken seriously. Portia De Rossi, Cynthia Nixon and that cute country singer make it easier though.

[*Anya*]

My first true femme moment was not my lesbian moment because that came well before my femme moment.

My first real lesbian relationship was my best friend, a femme. She was beautiful, sexy, funny, smart but something was missing for me.

We were together for about a year and drifted apart but stayed friends. Her next girlfriend was a darling baby butch with dimples named George (short for Georgiana but everyone called her George). When the femme and I got together she did not know until she met George that butches did it for her either.

I met my first butch at a NOW meeting, that hotbed of lesbian menaces (according to Betty Friedan anyway).

We became friends (as much as a butch and femme that are totally sexually attracted to each other can be) and she invited me over for drinks one night.

I was nervous as hell and totally excited in a way I never was with the femme. We chatted, laughed, the hour grew late. During a lull in the conversation, she looked at me and said, "Come here". I asked, "Why?" swallowing a gasp, knowing full well, and hoping like hell that I was right...

...she pulled me close and gave me a kiss that left me breathless.

It was a crystal-clear moment of knowing that "thing" that I was missing with the femme was the exact spark that the butch possessed. She did not make me more gay but she sure as hell made me more in touch with the femme that I would be from that moment on.